“Come on, Wormtail,” James said, carefully placing the needle down upon the record, filling the room with the first, crackling notes of a familiar song. “You have to tell us…”
Peter wriggled uncomfortably, his eyes automatically seeking Remus for support. Poor Peter, Remus thought to himself. The questioning had begun about fifteen minutes ago and now it was Peter’s turn to answer. Harmless questions, really; questions that are asked amongst friends when alcohol is consumed. Remus had watched as his friends had gradually slipped from sobriety into drunkenness. Peter had, predictably, been the first to go, although how much of his drunken behaviour was genuine, Remus found it hard to tell. Maybe it was the way he seemed a little too loud, a little too clumsy (well, more than usual) that made Remus doubt, but Peter hadn’t seemed to have drunk half as much Firewhiskey as James or Sirius.
James was a hilarious drunk - although it was not particularly funny to watch as he staggered from one side of the room to the other, the case to the LP he had just put on slipping from his hand. Eventually it fell and, after squinting down to where it had fallen, James suddenly burst into laughter, his glasses slipping down his nose as he clutched desperately at his sides. No; he was funny because when he was drunk, all his worries about what he was doing or saying seemed to disappear and now, as he slumped down heavily on the floor beside Remus, he seemed not to care what the others would think if he reached across and ruffled Remus’ hair affectionately. Remus cringed slightly and Sirius laughed.
Sirius, despite the amount of Firewhiskey he had consumed, seemed to remain exactly the same. Well, maybe not, Remus amended to himself as he made a half-hearted attempt to bat James’ hand away once more. Sirius had become a lot quieter since the drinking had begun, only now and again answering James’ questions. He had avoided the opportunities to insult Peter, or to snap at Remus, and instead, he seemed to have been carefully listening to everything that was being said, occasionally moving to re-fill his cup.
Remus had abstained from the drinking. Even though it was New Year’s Eve and he was amongst friends, Remus could not bring himself to swallow his pride and take the drink that Sirius had offered. It about something else; he had changed its meaning so it had meant more than simply refusing alcohol. He could feel that their friendship was changing…and it was not just happening between him and Sirius, but to the other Marauders, too. They were growing older…perhaps they were growing apart? Remus shuddered at the thought, a shudder which James did not notice as he once again repeated his question.
“I…I can’t…” Peter stammered, and James sighed dramatically, throwing his arms up in the air with the words, “What are you so worried about, Wormtail? It’s not like we’d go and tell anyone, is it? Anyone we’d tell is sitting in this room…”
“Maybe he knows we’d use it against him,” Remus couldn’t help but say.
Sirius’ face cracked into a dark smile as he sat up, his eyes fixed on Peter’s nervous face. “Oh, come on, Prongs, you honestly don’t know who he fancies?” James shrugged. Peter once again looked nervously to Remus. Sirius laughed as he leant into James and whispered the name into his ear. Remus couldn’t hear what he had said and yet, he didn’t have to. Even if he had not already known, he would have been able to tell by the way James paled.
“You fa…fancy Lily?” James spluttered, half shocked, half furious. Peter said nothing; his face was red, and his eyes were pale and watery and he looked ready to transfigure at any minute.
Sirius, however, continued to laugh as he threw an arm about James’ shoulders and, after pulling his friend to him, he said, “Come on, half the boys at Hogwarts think they’re half in love with her. I even thought she was sort of pretty at one point.” James was aghast, but even Peter was giggling now. Remus watched as Sirius placed the tip of one of his fingers on James’ chin and closed his mouth with the words, “Don’t worry, I soon realised that she was a little too high maintenance for me. Besides, how could I ever compare to you?”
“B…but…you’re my friends…” James was having difficulty processing what Sirius had just said. James had never been very observant. If he had been, he would have noticed, just as Remus had noticed, the way in which Peter seemed to become virtually silent whenever Lily was present or the way, in their fourth year, Sirius had taken a particular interest in Lily’s whereabouts. It all meant nothing, however; that was something Remus was sure of. And Peter, who seemed to have composed himself slightly, managed to mumble, “You know, Prongs, she’d never look at me twice…I’d never do anything, anyway…we’re friends, aren’t we?”
James nodded and, after a moment thinking over what had been said, he suddenly stood up and said, “But she’d never look at sodding Snape twice, would she? And yet she’d rather talk to him than me…”
“They’re just friends, James. They have a lot in common, that’s all.”
James looked at Remus, the corners of his mouth twitching as if he had something to say. After pacing to and fro for a moment, he sat back down, his head resting on one of the pillows and, after sighing heavily, he began, “I know you’re right, Moony…I know they’re just friends, but…I don’t know if any of you really understand how I feel…”
“Course we bloody do,” Sirius suddenly interjected. “You remind us daily…you love her, we’ve got it.”
“That’s the thing, though - you haven’t!” James was suddenly angry and Remus was shocked to see the way he sat up, rounding on Sirius and almost shouting as he continued, “You wouldn’t have the first clue about what I’m going on about. You’ve never been in love with anyone, Padfoot “ well, apart from yourself. You’ve never even loved anyone in your family, so how could you possibly know?” Sirius said nothing, his face unreadable as he too continued to watch James grow redder and redder.
All at once, James’ attention was on Remus and with the same venom he had directed at Sirius, he said, “And you…Remus…you’re too bloody scared to let anyone near you in case they’ll hate you. You’re so worried about what people think that you’ll never let yourself have anything you want.”
James was shaking now; his chest was rising and falling rapidly as he struggled to remain composed, turning to Peter and saying, “If you keep thinking you’re not good enough…if you keep letting us push you around, then one day we’ll push you too far, do you get what I’m saying, Wormtail?” Peter was frozen, his hands tightly gripping the cushion he was sat upon.
James swallowed more harsh words as he lay back down on the floor to stare up at the ceiling. He was drunk, Remus told himself, unable to take in what had just been said; James was only saying these things because he was drunk. Yet it had been true, everything James had just said had been true, and as James went to speak further, Remus’ guts tightened at the thought of what was coming next.
Yet whatever Remus had been expecting, it did not come. Instead, James’ voice was soft; the anger of only moments before seemed to have vanished, and his voice was barely above a whisper as he said, “I love her…I just love her, and there’s nothing else to it. I know you all laugh and take the piss and I don’t really mind; it’s just that…it hurts sometimes. You all have no idea what it’s like for me to love her. She’s not just some girl who thinks I’m amazing at Quidditch…she’s fantastic, you know? She’s special. There is no-one else like her. And I don’t just want to go to Hogsmeade with her, or want someone to study with at the weekends…” James hesitated, blinking steadily up at the shadows of the Marauders that were cast upon the ceiling before continuing, “I want to marry her…I want to spend the rest of my life loving her, and only her. I want that more badly than I’ve ever wanted anything. More badly than I want to beat Slytherin in the new term, more badly than I want to become Head Boy next year…I just want her. If I had her, I’d love her to the day I died, I know I would. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do…” James stopped talking, blushing suddenly, turning his attention to the cauldron on the opposite side of the room.
Then suddenly he laughed, breaking the spell of the words he had just spoken, a spell that seemed to have entranced all the Marauders, and said, “Maybe you’re right, Moony…maybe Amortentia is a bit desperate…” Remus could only nod in response; he was shocked at the strength of the words James had spoken. He had been surprised by the depth of feeling. He hadn’t thought that James could ever be that serious about anything. Now, Remus felt ashamed of the times he had joined Sirius in mocking him for it…they had had no right, it wasn’t fair.
As Remus looked at Sirius now, he had no idea whether or not Sirius was thinking the same thing. He was staring down at James, his eyes moving swiftly up and down the length of his body as if searching for something. Yet this gaze was broken as James suddenly stood, and, after swaying uncertainly on his feet for a moment, laughed before wincing and saying, “I think we should get rid of it in the morning…”
Without you, I'm nothing by Clare Mansfield
Chapter Notes: It's New Year's Eve and a lot of Firewhiskey has been consumed. As the Marauders start to quiz each other will James be able to make his friends understand the strength of his feelings for Lily?
Chapter Endnotes: Hope you are enjoying reading this. Thank you for reading and reviewing
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