“I don’t want to do this anymore,” Sirius said petulantly, leaning back in his chair, arms folded across his chest as he glanced hopefully around the common room for support. None came; Peter had been sulking on his own for most of the morning, and James was off frantically trying to copy his Transfiguration essay from anyone in their year that would oblige. Despite the obvious disinterest of his pupil, Remus would not give up. He had long ago stopped letting them copy from him - ever since McGonagall had twigged that the three essays that were handed to her on a Wednesday afternoon where uncannily similar, and given all three of them detention for it (James and Sirius for not even trying to be original; Remus, for letting them do it.) James still attempted to get a way with not doing it himself, usually choosing the most unobvious candidate to copy from in the hope that it would not arouse McGonagall’s suspicions. Once, he had even tried to steal Snape’s essay, but it had ended in a week in the hospital wing for both of them, and innumerable detentions.
Sirius, on the other hand, was unable to find it within himself to ask anyone else to let him copy (and not being stupid enough to copy Peter) he had begrudgingly agreed to let Remus help him in the free periods before Transfiguration. However, despite the fact that Remus was his friend and a generous teacher, Sirius found that these sessions were anything but easy. Remus was patient; frustratingly so sometimes, as Sirius would try and infuriate him in to giving away the easy answers. It never worked. Remus was too quick and too used to Sirius’ tactics for that, and instead he would gently nudge Sirius in the right direction, leaving him to decipher the texts on his own, and to painfully construct his own answers.
Remus looked up from his book and smiled, his eyes mischievous as he shrugged flippantly, “Fair enough. I mean, if you want to have detention with McGonagall for the third time this week…”
Sirius did not smile.
“Oh bloody hell, Moony!” he huffed, pulling out another piece of parchment and dipping his quill reluctantly into the pot of ink, “Why can’t you just make it easy for me…you know…give me some clues as to what the answers should be…”
“Because you’re not an idiot, Padfoot, however much you pretend to be.” Sirius wrinkled his nose and glared down at the words he was writing. Remus smiled, teasing as he continued, “You know this stuff…you know you do…you don’t really need my help.”
Sirius shook his head, sending his dark hair in front of his face, hiding his expressions as he said darkly, “If I know this stuff, why do I find it so hard?” Remus said nothing, instead continuing to read. For a few moments they continued in silence, Remus absorbing the words of the incantations he read, Sirius pouting down at his parchment. Remus knew that this wouldn’t last for long and, true to form, Sirius raised his eyes from his essay and asked, “Where’s Prongs?”
Remus conceded this interruption and pulled the map towards him, scanning it swiftly until his eyes found the dot marked “James Potter.”
“Looks likes he’s trying to get into the Hufflepuff common room.” Remus handed Sirius the map before turning the page of his book. “I don’t think it will do much good, though. Their portrait changes the password at least five times a day.”
“He’s talking to Marianne Merrydew now,” Sirius said before letting the map fall to the desk in front of him. He ran his finger down the page, pausing as he copied out a quote and then, after a moment of hesitation, he said, “I’m kind of going out with her you know.”
This had immediately gained Remus’ attention, but he tried to not look too interested as he slowly raised his eyes from the book to Sirius’ face. Sirius looked impassive as he waited for Remus to speak; the information he had just offered clearly did not affect him in the same way as it had his friend. But Remus was stunned, and could hardly hide this as he hesitated; Sirius rarely ever spoke about things like this.
“I can’t remember who she is,” Remus lied in an attempt to get Sirius to say more. He opened his mouth to speak yet before he could, the portrait swung open and two giggling second-year girls entered. Realising that the map was still open on the desk in front of them, Sirius quickly pressed his wand to it and muttered the words “Mischief Managed” before folding it quickly and slipping it inside the pages of his textbook. The second-years paused and were staring at Sirius, whose only response was to pick up his quill and continue to write. This, however seemed to prove more than enough. The girls burst into fits of giggles before, blushing profusely, they scurried up the stairs.
Sirius continued writing as Remus watched him; the opportunity had gone now, the moment had past. Yet after a couple more sentences, Sirius put down his quill, leant back in his chair and said, “You know…pretty Hufflepuff in our year…quite short brown hair…brilliant at Herbology?”
Remus shrugged. He knew exactly which girl that Sirius was talking about; she had been hovering around the portrait of the Fat Lady since the start of term, her hair often pushed back by an Alice band, and she would smile demurely every time that Sirius would pass.
“She’s the girl who sometimes waiting outside isn’t she?” Remus said. Sirius nodded as he began to aimlessly spin a Knut that he had found on the floor beneath his chair.
“Do you like her?”
Sirius didn’t answer for a long time, his gaze completely held by the Knut which was rotating rapidly on the desk. As it fell his eyes once again focused on Remus, and after a confident laugh he said, “Don’t be an idiot, Moony; would I be going out with her if I didn’t?” Remus simply shrugged.
“No, I like her,” Sirius said, as if offended. But as Remus watched him he saw the enthusiasm silently drain from his face, his voice wavering uncertainly as he continued, “Well…I mean I do like her, it’s just…she isn’t half as annoying as some of the girls…she just seems to want…”
“Want what?” Remus said a little too sharply. Sirius’ eyes narrowed suspiciously, before this suspicion gave way to his usual disarming smile as he said silkily, “Oh no, nothing like that. Mind out of the gutter now Mister Lupin.” Remus turned as pink as the second-year Gryffindors as he nervously rifled through the parchments in front of him.
“You know that’s not what I meant…” he managed to say, hot with embarrassment.
“What I was going to say,” Sirius articulated, enjoying the way his friend was squirming, “Was that she just seems to want to be more serious than I like to be. You know me; I can’t really be serious about anything for too long.” Relieved that he had not taken the joke further, Remus sighed, studying Sirius’ face intently for a moment before speaking, “Maybe the fault lies with you then, and not her.”
Now Sirius was genuinely offended as he stuffed the Knut he had been playing with into the pocket of his robes, snapping, “I never said it was her fault, did I?”
“No I know.” Remus’ voice was soft in an attempt to calm the fury that he could see boiling in his friend’s eyes. It seemed to work - Sirius relaxed, his shoulders sagging as he leant back in his chair once more.
“I mean, I like it when it’s fun…it’s great when it’s like that; when I don’t know much about them, and they don’t know much about me. I like knowing that this is a virtual stranger I’m with…yet I’m saying and doing things that I would never, in a million years, dream of doing with someone I didn’t know.” Remus could feel the blush returning. “I just don’t like it after that…after that has gone and it’s time to get serious. They want to know too much then. They want to get to know me - well, you know, like how you know me…” Sirius smiled warmly at Remus who, was frozen, his mind frantically processing all that his friend was saying. “I don’t want them to get to know me like that…it makes me feel…” Sirius paused as if searching for a word, and in a state of anticipation, Remus waited. No such word came, however, and instead Sirius shrugged and sighed.
Silence once again descended between the two and, after a moment of waiting for Sirius to continue, Remus turned his attention back to the books in front of him.
“I don’t use them, you know,” Sirius said suddenly, causing Remus’ eyes to flit upwards and lock with his. For the briefest of moments something unsaid seemed to pass between them, their eyes forming the words they didn’t even know they needed to say.
“I know,” Remus replied solemnly. Sirius looked away first, his eyes automatically drawn to the incomplete essay on the desk. He groaned and looked up at the clock before, with what looked like a great deal of effort, picking up his quill again and beginning to write.
Remus appeared to be reading, his eyes were focused on the text in front of him, but he could not take it in. He was thinking about Marianne Merrydew, that sweet, pretty Hufflepuff girl who had probably been waiting for Sirius on the nights they had passed her. Sirius had never said a word. Maybe he had, though; he probably would have told James. James and Sirius had no secrets. Was that why he had always smiled at Sirius when they passed her? Or had Remus just imagined that? He shook his head as if to clear it, but still these thoughts continued. He thought of the way she might react when kissed; would she close her eyes and sigh? Would her body relent against his? Would her hands roam up over his shoulders and through his hair? Suddenly, as he looked at Sirius scowling down at the parchment, it just didn’t seem fair and, frustrated, he slammed his textbook shut.
Without you, I'm nothing by Clare Mansfield
Chapter Notes: Tension as Remus and Sirius attempt to do their Transfiguration essays.
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