2 - Not Everyone's Bound to Love You
“Guards! This is murder! I want to talk to the executive officer! Instantly!” Snape had been roaring and banging against the bars like a rabid beast for a too long time, and Remus headache was getting worse with every minute. He knew he should be there too, calling for the human guards, but somehow he didn’t have the energy to do so.
“They know it, Severus,” he called out in exasperation. “They know it anyway!” Snape stopped the yelling but didn’t turn to face him.
“The director of Azkaban knows that I’m a werewolf, I’m sure of that. He even knew I was a teacher at Hogwarts, once. Actually ““. But Snape didn’t let him finish the sentence, whirling around and to continue his yelling, now at him
“Shut up! I don’t want to hear one word! Dumbledore’s going to get us out and you’ll pretend you don’t exist until he does that!” Snape had reached the state of fury normally reserved for Sirius and Harry, and he had totally lost control. With balled fists he stalked over to the opposite wall, standing a moment, then pacing back again. He looked a lot less menacing in his striped prisoners’ clothes than he did with his sweeping black cloak, but then again Remus had always failed to find him intimidating, at the back of his mind still remembering the pale scrawny boy he had been.
“Dumbledore is dead,” he said. It was only a fraction of a moment, maybe he only imagined it, but the mask of derision and bitterness fell apart to reveal insecurity and emotion for a second. Then Snape scoffed at him.
“Stop babbling nonsense. Dumbledore isn’t dead. He’s been thought dead before, he never was. Only a lunatic like you would believe the ministry’s lies.” Sometimes it was hard to ignore Snape’s constant insults, but as always he reminded himself of the hundreds of times he had not objected to James and Sirius insulting him.
“I wish I had your faith in Dumbledore, Severus, but it’s not going to help us. Dumbledore isn’t immortal. Why would he pretend his death in such a time? And why is no one in on his scheme, if it is one?”
Snape simply glared at him. Remus suppressed a smile, thinking how much Snape really resembled Sirius. Both had never managed to overcome the past, both somehow remained immature no matter how bad life dealt them, both were impulsive and insulting ... both came from less than intact pureblood families, both ... the only difference, he thought, is that Sirius had better people skills, was befriended with James and had better looks. Maybe, if Sirius had looked like Snape, their positions would have been reversed. If just the two had realised that. But maybe they had, and that knowledge had made it all worse ...
He started to lose himself in memories, mostly sad ones, in guilt and resentment, grudges he didn’t want to have, and painfully beautiful memories. He dismissed the cold he was beginning to feel in their damp cell, and when his thoughts started to turn in a darker direction, he was used to it.
Sirius is innocent. Was innocent all along. And I didn’t ...
The potion. I didn’t take the potion. There’s the moon over the hill, the bright moon ... I can’t control it, can’t keep my mind ... I’m so sorry, so sorry...
‘Your name could have been cleared, if not for me, Sirius.’
‘It doesn’t matter, Moony. Doesn’t matter. Name’s not cleared, so what? I sometimes want to rip his throat and die, that’s all ...’.
He gasped and wrapped his arms around his body, trying to get away from the bars, where a group of Dementors hovered, crowding closer to their new victims, their breath being decay, their black soulless pits sucking him inside.
No patronus without a wand. Remus had never fought a Dementor without a wand, but knew it was useless. No magic could help him. Snape was standing in the closer corner of the room, staring in to distance. Was he too in the clutch of their depression? His sallow face was strained.
I destroyed this man’s life. I didn’t say a word, I didn’t tell them off “ I could have given them detention when I was a prefect. I could have, if I hadn’t been so selfish. I wanted to have friends, to keep them, even if they only kept me because I was a beast ...
Because I am a beast. They wouldn’t have liked me otherwise. I had delicious, dark secrets, they just loved it.
But I, the human me, was boring, dull, a book-worm. I ranked just below Peter in their coolness scale...
Remus thrashed to the side, to shake the memories off, banging his shoulders against the stone walls, scraping his skin through the thin prison clothes, sliding down on the ground.
Fangs and claws, hot breath ...
He could hear the wolf howl, all around him, heard him whimper. Frantically it clawed at his face, his eyes, trying to grasp the human, the man, tearing out its fur, his hair, rolling on the ground...
‘Because you know ... you being a dark creature, nothing personal “ I think we shouldn’t meet so often right now. I mean, when it’s over, then of course ... but as long as You-know-who is still ..’.
‘It’s a muggle gun, Mr Lupin. Do you know how to handle one? And these are silver bullets. The werewolf registry advises you to always keep it with you. Just in case...’
“Clear your demented mind, Lupin, or we’ll never get them off our backs!” A harsh kick in the rips brought Remus back to reality and back to Snape.
“Don’t have an inch of human reason left? Clear your mind, Lupin!” Snape hissed at him. Remus tried to sit up, and to his great astonishment managed to do so. Long years, since his early childhood, he had trained his self-restraint and discipline. No violence, no indulgence, no drugs, no falling in love. He had kept the beast down even when it hadn’t been there.
He could do this, he could clear his mind and shut it from the Dementors. He could manage to think of nothing. His breath became even, the cold vanished. Inch by inch the Dementors retreated, leaving them finally alone.
“Thank you,” he breathed.
“Well, that shows how truly overrated Harry Potter really is,” Snape answered in a snide voice. “Even a deranged werewolf manages to keep his mind in control better than him.”
“It is a physical condition,” Remus answered softly, not managing to bring up much anger yet. “Not a mental one.” Snape snorted.
“Rubbish. It’s in the books, and even better, it’s in your face. You’re rotten from inside. At least the School board seemed to agree with me.”
The day was short at Azkaban. Already the little light that had penetrated through the barred hole that was their window disappeared. Shadows got real, and the cold got worse. Lupin chuckled into the stretching silence, and his breath formed into icy little clouds.
“Do you know why I never react much to your insults, Severus?”
“I know a whole bunch of reasons, Lupin. First : you’re just as big-headed as the other three of you. Second, you’re a sissy and don’t dare to destroy the illusion of a tame beast you so desperately cling to. And of course you’re much too far gone to realise everything I say is true.”
“No that’s not it. It’s because I don’t think you yourself believe in what you say. You hate me because of what James and Sirius did, because I witnessed it. You hate me because of old grudges, not because of who or what I am. You’re only using the werewolf argument to get me where it hurts.”
“You’re quite wrong,” Snape spat back. It was almost as if they were having a real conversation. “Even if you weren’t a werewolf and I had never met you before, I wouldn’t like you. Sad news to you, Lupin : Not everyone’s bound to love self-piteous bootlicking nancies like you’re one.”
“That’s something else,” Remus said with a suddenly tight voice. They fell quiet once more while the shadows grew stronger.