As I sit and watch the snow fallin’ down,
I don’t miss you at all.
Christmas eve. She was alone. It wasn’t him that she missed, it wasn’t. True enough, she had loved him, but she didn’t any more. Not anymore. She couldn’t afford to.
The fire crackled merrily in front of her. Merrily. Nothing was merry anymore. But it wasn’t because of him. He wasn’t the reason. She blindly drew her legs up to her chest and rested her chin on them, the way she had the first time he had come to sit beside her. No, she wouldn’t reminisce. The memories were too painful.
I hear children playing, laughing so loud,
I don’t think of your smile.
She could remember the days before the Dark Lord had reclaimed his power. He was gone now, but not without cost. The snowflakes had been drifting down. He had smiled at her so, his azure jewels which were to her more precious than gold, and she had felt a feeling that had not revisited her since that night.
It wasn’t true. She liked to think that he had died in the Great Battle. She liked to think that he was gone forever – not with someone else. He hadn’t ever left her – he had been taken from her. He wasn’t somewhere in Scotts with another woman, living happily without her. He was dead. Gone. Forever.
But she knew he wasn’t. She knew he was with another somewhere else — where did not matter, only that he was not here with her.
But she didn’t miss him. Not at all.
So if you never come to me,
you’ll stay a distant memory.
That’s what he was. A memory. She didn’t need him to be here for her to move on. She would fight through life without him, even if it killed her. She would do it, live life alone, just to prove him wrong. He had told her so many times that she would die without him, but that wasn’t true. She didn’t need him.
Again, a lie. She wanted to think that she didn’t need him, but she did. Her body remembered the night that they had lain here on this very couch, staring into each other’s eyes until dawn, basking in the glory of one another’s presence.
How could he have been feigning emotion? How? She had always thought that he meant every word of what he had whispered to her that night. How he would always stay by her side, how he would always keep her near.
Be he hadn’t. He had gone, and she was left here.
Out my window I see lights goin’ down,
your dark eyes don’t haunt me.
The snowflakes still floated down outside her window. She had never pretended. She didn’t love him anymore, she told herself, but she did. She didn’t care about his bright eyes staring into hers that December night so many years ago. They had been young and in love, but love was a dream, love was nothing. Love was an illusion; she had known that for years.
And then I wonder who I am,
without the warm touch of your hand?
But who was she without him? What did she have to live for now that he was gone? He loved someone else. He hadn’t died loving her. His spirit didn’t live on with her. He had departed from her entirely. He was here, but he was gone.
And then I wonder who I am
without the warm touch of your hand?
But who was she without him? What did she have to turn to now that he was gone? By this very fireside she had seen his love flaming that the fire that kept her warm, she had seen it. She had heard him say he loved her. She had heard him say he wanted to stay by her side forever. She had heard it.
But she didn’t miss him. Not at all.
As I sit and watch the snow falling down,
I don’t miss you at all.
Not at all. He didn’t matter anymore. Insignificant, yet so important. Unworthy, yet so essential. What was left? He had always said their love would span the ages. What now?
I don’t miss you at all.
I won’t miss you at all. I won’t do it. There’s not any reason left. I have nothing.
I don’t miss you.
I won’t miss you ... I won’t think about you anymore ...
At all.
It was silent around the fireside. She was the last one left. Outside the window, the snowflakes fell persistently down around her window. She watched them, so unaffected by her tortured thoughts, the thoughts that overwhelmed her.
Why she you hold onto him anymore? He was gone. Out of her life forever. There was nothing left for her. He loved another, and that should have been enough for her. After all, Luna had saved his life in the Last Battle. She had saved him, if unintentionally.
And before that, they had been in love. Where had the love gone, the love that was with them every second of the day, the love that had bound them to one another for what seemed forever? And where was the love that had united them this very night four years ago?
He had lost it. Luna had saved him, and Hermione had not. If she had been given the chance to show him how much she loved him, she would have taken Death for him. She could not bear to live without him.
But he had not loved her. In that phrase, lay the key to the rest of her existence. She would live on without his love. She had to, just to prove him wrong.
And silently, without a soul knowing, in the small hours of the morning, she gave up her thoughts of him. No one knew it. She was alone, nobody cared, and Ron certainly didn’t. She didn’t care that he didn’t care – he was thoroughly insignificant.
She wished.
She willed herself to throw it in. It was the last remnant of him that she had, and she had treasured it every moment of her existence.
Not anymore. She was finished.
The edges of the photograph curled in the flames. He smiled out at her, lovingly, while the flames licked the edges of the lake that lay serenely behind him. She cried to see the loss of such a beautiful thing. She loved him. She needed him. No more.
Silently, in the dead of night, a tear rolled down her cheek, and with it she shed every thought of him. She didn’t need him anymore ... She didn’t miss him.
I don’t miss you ... at all.
*****
Norah Jones "I Don't Miss You At All"