Through the sleepless nights I cry for you
And wonder who
Is kissing you.
It was true; Hermione still cried herself to sleep over him. He had left her over four years ago, but gaping chasm he had left in her heart had never been filled — he had wounded her permanently, so much that she never dared to love again. It was hard and hurtful love, but the best that she had ever known. She cried herself to sleep nightly, wondering where he was now, who he was with, if he had settled down with anyone else. These were the questions that she pondered endlessly, through the sleepless nights.
To whom did she owe these sleepless nights? Who had stolen her Ron away from her? Who had taken him away from her? They had been so happy together for so many years. What happened? Who had come along who was more beautiful than she?
Many people could have come along. Anybody, really. Since Ron had left, her confidence had been shattered, and her self esteem was gone. She thought nothing of herself, for she was nothing without her Ron, nothing without the man who had torn her heart. She cried for him every second of her existence and loved him for even more.
Oh, these sleepless nights will break my heart in two.
She was past denying that she loved him. She wanted to let him go, but in letting him go, she had opened a wound. Every night as she cried herself to sleep, as she cried for her Ron who had left, she poured salt on the wound that seemed perpetually fresh.
The sleepless nights had brought her pain that a thousand words could not express. What Ron had taken from her when she left was more than words could say; it was more than she could give. Ron was not a part of her, he was all of her. There was nothing in her that did not rely on his presence and their mutual love.
When he had left, he had taken everything with him. Even now, she could feel the familiar pangs of hurt and broken love twisting in the palm of his hand.
Somehow through the days I don’t give in.
I hide the tears
That wait within.
It was an ongoing effort to hide the pain that she felt. She still knew Harry very well, and Ginny even, hated her brother for what he had done to her best friend. “She trusted you!” she had said when Ron left, hand-in-hand, with that buxom blonde who had stolen every hope left in her body. But even Ginny did not know the pain that she still harbored.
Ginny did not know how Hermione cried herself to sleep every night. She did not cry for herself, but for the man that she had lost. She prayed every night that he would remember her fondly, if not in the way that she had seen them always. All the sleepless nights were unbearable. They tore at her soul like a knife, tearing her heart in two from hiding the tears that longed to fall from her eyes every second of every day.
Somehow, she managed to keep the tears behind her eyes, to turn the prominent despair into mild exhaustion. When the hurt became unbearable, she would retreat into her home, her fortress of solitude, and cry the night away.
Oh, but then through sleepless nights, I cry again.
When her tears were exhausted she would fall asleep, only to awake and remember her state of loneliness and solitude.
Why did you go?
Why did you go?
Even though she had pondered it for years and years, the questions still remained. Why did he go? Why did he leave her? What was so special about the other? What had she done wrong? He had left her and taken with him everything that was her livelihood and her love. He was her love, and apart from him, there was nothing left for her.
Don’t you know, don’t you know, I need you?
But he already knew that, didn’t he? He had left knowing that his actions would render her alone, terrified, and totally helpless. She was attached to him; her actions had shown it clearly. If he knew, as he surely did, why did he leave her? He knew she depended on his presence, and he was not there. He knew she needed him.
I keep hoping you’ll come back to me.
Oh, let me be,
Please let me be.
Why wouldn’t these thoughts leave her alone? It had been four years since he had left with the other, and yet the sleepless nights still chased her. Tears still followed her sleeping patterns with the accuracy of a hawk. The hope that he had brought would not leave her alone. “Leave me be!” she sobbed, tears falling down her face, so many times at night. “Leave me be! Please!”
She knew she was being stupid with her thoughts of restitution. He would never come back. She was a big girl now, and she should have been able to come to terms with that, but she never had, and never would, it seemed.
Oh, my love, please end these sleepless nights for me.
Ron tantalized her still from afar. He did not think of her at all but to remember one who had disappointed him. He did not know the value of what he had left, but thought only of the present. She knew these things, she knew she should be able to sleep at night, but she couldn’t. Ron would not release her.
Why did you go?
Why did you go?
Don’t you know, don’t you know, I need you?
She wept because he knew she needed him, but would not leave her alone. He would not leave her life. He was the center of her universe, and when he left she fell apart.
I keep hoping you’ll come back to me.
Even after all these years, she held onto the hope he had left her with. “I love Luna,” he had said. “She saved me. You never did that.” Perhaps, she had thought, perhaps if he did not love Luna, would he love her? It was a faint hope, but a hope still. If Hermione saved him, would he love her?
The thought was unbearable: Luna, kissing Ron under the mistletoe, somewhere else. Ron, kissing lips that were not her own. She remembered his soft kiss. She remembered the way that he had wrapped his arms around her and held her close in front of the fire.
Oh, let it be, please, let it be.
These thoughts only added to the longing in her eyes, the want that she had for her Ronald, not Luna’s Ronald. Come back to me, darling. Come back.
Oh, my love, please end these sleepless nights, for me.
Come back, and end these sleepless nights. Please Ronald, for me?
Oh, my love, please end these sleepless nights, for me.
Come back, please! End these sleepless nights! Don’t make me stay here alone!
Oh, my love, please end these sleepless nights, for me.