Tonks walked down the Muggle street, her thoughts wandering, not really noticing where she was going. She had just been released by St. Mungo’s; she had not told anyone that she was getting out today because she hadn’t wanted anyone trying to console her or fuss over her.
Her hair was not looking its best. She’d seen that in the mirror just ten minutes ago. The pink was not as bright as it was on good days.
A thought struck Tonks as she walked aimlessly. You wouldn’t have minded if Remus had picked you up. That was true. Remus would be walking next to her quietly, ready to talk if she was ready, not fussing like Molly or trying to act as though nothing was wrong.
Most of the stores Tonks passed were uninteresting to her, but the one coming up was a music store instead of a clothes shop. She pushed the door opened listlessly and went inside.
Most of the shops in the area were chic and more fashionable, but this was more casual and informal. The room was papered with music posters both new and old. There were displays with records, tapes, and CDs, all crammed full. The purple-haired youth behind the counter nodded approvingly at Tonks’ pink hair as she entered before going back to Sello-taping a torn record case together again.
Not really knowing why she’d come in, but feeling unmotivated to do anything else, Tonks began thumbing through CDs, looking for a familiar title, perhaps one that her father had listened to years ago.
“You want me to play something?” the kid behind the counter inquired, having finished repairing the record case. “Since you’re the only customer, you can pick.”
Tonks considered. She didn’t know too much Muggle music, but she could think of something, surely.
“Um…what about the Beatles?” she asked, not sure if she had the name right. The boy nodded, however, and twenty seconds of messing about under the counter later, he had found the CD he wanted.
As Tonks closed her eyes in weariness for a moment, the bell on the front door chimed and she started to hear her name.
“Tonks? I was about to go visit you. I didn’t know you got out today.” Someone had found her. She should’ve gone straight home.
Tonks turned and saw Lupin standing just inside the shop, looking at her curiously. She shrugged and pretended to be absorbed in the CD rack before her. Just then the music from the kid’s CD started and she drew in her breath.
“What is it?” asked Lupin calmly.
“I know this song,” answered Tonks distractedly, listening.
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s alright…
Lupin was still looking at her oddly. Tonks avoided his eye. She knew what he was wondering, and she didn’t care if she was confirming his thoughts by acting like this.
Little darlin’ it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darlin’ it feels like years since it’s been here…
“Tonks, can you come for a cup of tea down the road? There’s a coffee shop and I need to spend the leftover Muggle money that Dumbledore gave me for that last assignment.”
Still averting her eyes from his own steady gaze, Tonks muttered, “No thanks, Remus. I have to go soon.”
“No, you don’t. You don’t have work today and I know you’re not going anywhere. Tonks, come to tea.” Reluctantly, Tonks looked up at him. Those dazzling grey-blue eyes were looking at her intently. He wasn’t smiling, but he wasn’t frowning. He was simply trying to get her to come. She had been right in thinking that he wouldn’t fuss, but he was trying to get her to come.
“Do I have to?” Tonks said pitifully. She knew it must sound rude, but she really didn’t want to talk to anyone. Lupin smiled and strode forward, taking her by the elbow and pulling her out of the shop. For some reason, Tonks’ felt ultra-sensitive in that elbow all of the sudden “ it tingled oddly, though not unpleasantly.
“Yes, you do. I want a word.” The door chimed merrily as they made their way back out of the shop. Lupin let go of her elbow and walked beside her silently, matching her pace. She felt absolutely miserable, and not just because that curse still made her chest twinge with pain from time to time.
Lupin held the door for her at the coffee shop and she entered gloomily. The pleasant atmosphere did not match her mood. He steered her into a seat and then went off to get the tea.
Tonks considered bolting from the store, but decided that she half-wanted to stay. She watched Lupin as he ordered and dug his wallet out of his pocket to pay. The poor man hadn’t a knut to his name- it was nice that he had some leftover money from his mission.
A few minutes later, Lupin set down her cup of tea and a cinnamon scone in front of her and took the seat opposite with his own cup. She brought it to her mouth and found with some surprise that it wasn’t tea at all. She glanced suspiciously over at Lupin, who smiled slightly.
“It’s hot chocolate. You need some chocolate in your system.” Wordlessly, Tonks drank some more, and then set it down abruptly.
“Remus, why are we here?” Lupin sighed, took a sip of his tea, set it down, and leaned back in his chair.
“Because you are depressed and you need help.” He indicated himself and added, “The healer is in.”
“I just left a whole load of them, thanks. I’m not depressed,” Tonks said sullenly. Lupin was gazing at her again with a wistful, regretful sort of look that had a certain sad charm, although he didn’t know it. Tonks felt her heart beat a little faster and wondered why she didn’t just leave.
“You are, Tonks. You’re not yourself. Everyone’s noticed when you were at St. Mungo’s,” he insisted gently. “I know you feel bad about Sirius. We all do. I just want to tell you that it’s not your fault.” Tonks felt tears threatening to fall and bent her head over her hot chocolate to try to quell them. She wished that he would get angry and admonish her so that she could put up a better defense.
“Everyone has a different reason why Sirius died. Ask different people. Harry would say that he was foolish enough to go when he should’ve known otherwise and that that made Sirius come after him. Severus would say that he hadn’t been able to teach Harry Occlumency and that he didn’t stop Harry from going to the Ministry.
"Dumbledore would say something along the lines of it being his fault because he didn’t stop Sirius or Harry from going to the Ministry when he should’ve been communicating more with both of them.
"I can’t help thinking that if I had shielded Sirius or if I had managed to get Lestrange while they were dueling, or if I could’ve physically made Sirius stay in Grimmauld Place, Sirius wouldn’t have died.
"But none of that is right, Tonks. I don’t know your reason but I can guess that it isn’t fair to yourself.”
“But those reasons are wrong. Remus, if I had gotten Lestrange when I was dueling her earlier, she wouldn’t have gone on to Sirius,” Tonks said weakly, willing herself not to cry. Lupin sighed.
“Do you really think that?” he asked, tenderly. Tonks was silent, but felt a traitorous tear trickle down her cheek as she kept her head down.
“Oh, Tonks… Don’t think that. It’s not fair at all. Any number of people could’ve saved Sirius “ don’t beat yourself up for something that isn’t your fault. Grieve for Sirius, yes, but don’t blame yourself for his death.”
Tonks felt another tear trail down her cheek. She felt horrible trying to believe his words, as though insulting Sirius’ memory by trying to shake off her guilt.
“Do you blame Harry, Severus, Dumbledore, or me for Sirius’ death?” Tonks shook her head miserably. “Then you’re not allowed to blame yourself. Chin up, Tonks. Everyone wants to see you smile again.”
Tonks wiped her cheeks with the back of one hand and nodded. She could feel his eyes on her and wished that she could be happy for him, but she still felt miserable. The hot chocolate would be gone if she didn’t alternate her mechanical reaction from drinking it. For something else to do, she broke off a piece of the scone and ate it silently.
“Well, Tonks. I’m afraid I can’t think of anything more to say to make you feel better,” he said, somewhat sadly.
“How about ‘I love you’?” Tonks offered, dully. There was a silence in which Lupin seemed unable to understand her words and Tonks slowly realized with sudden horror what she had just uttered. The truth.
The silence stretched on and on. Tonks looked up at Lupin and saw that he was paralyzed, staring at her with a mingled look of shock and incomprehension on his worn face. Tonks found her voice again first.
“Merlin, Remus, sorry. That probably scared you to death… I don’t know what came over me there… I mean, I do “ I would like “ dammit!” she said, finishing with an audible hopelessness. Lupin continued to stare at her.
“It’s only half-Sirius, Remus, I’m lovesick,” Tonks whimpered, looking back down at her lap. “It’s an unrequited love thing. You could probably help me if it wasn’t for the wretched fact that it’s you that I’m mooning over, no pun intended.
“Nothing would make me happier than making you happy, Remus. I wish I could. I can see by the way that you’re about to drop your teacup that I’m not doing anything but paralyzing you.
“I’m so sorry, Remus. I’ll go.” Tonks stood up awkwardly, not meeting Lupin’s eye, choosing instead to flee the coffee shop without looking back.
She did not know why she returned to the music store. Perhaps it was muscle memory, retracing her steps as though she could redo the afternoon without her mistakes. Whatever the reason, she found herself back in the store. This time when the boy looked up, he looked a bit puzzled.
“Hey, your hair is brown now. What happened?” Tonks reached up and pulled her fringe down in front of her eyes. Sure enough, it was the color of depression.
“I don't even know. Could you put on that Beatles album again?” she asked unhappily. Moments later, the boy had put in the CD again and Tonks was listening to the same music as before.
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s alright…
But it’s not alright, she thought desperately. I just told Remus how I feel and he’s probably still petrified in that coffee shop.
Little darlin’, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darlin’, it feels like years since it’s been here…
But winter is just starting, she thought miserably.
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s alright…
Tonks started rifling through CDs again until she found what she was looking for. On the cover, four men were walking across the street. Tonks brought it up to the counter and paid for it silently, listening.
Little darlin’ the smiles returning to their faces
Little darlin’ it seems like years since it's been here…
“I wish this song was true,” she murmured to herself as she left the shop.
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For those of you who don’t know off of the top of your heads, Tonks bought a copy of “Abbey Road”. It was one of the main pieces of evidence for the whole “Paul is dead” thing, since he’s barefoot and all. Review, review, review, and I’ll be forever grateful!!!
Here Comes the Sun by Fading
Chapter Notes: All of the stuff here belongs to British people I am in awe of: J.K. Rowling, of course, for writing the series that my friends tell me I obsess over, and George Harrison from The Beatles, a band that my friends tell me I obsess over. This is a songfic with "Here Comes the Sun" from Abbey Road.
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