Whiskey Lullaby
She put him out like the burning end of a midnight cigarette,
She broke his heart,
He spent his whole life trying to forget.
We watched him drink his pain away at little at a time,
But he never could get drunk enough to get her of his mind,
Until the night…
“Awww, wook at dat,” Hermione sighed mockingly as she passed Remus Lupin and his fiancée Ashley Sutherland. Unfortunately, Remus was drifting back into consciousness, and had heard Hermione’s teasing.
“I heard that.” He rubbed his eyes and looked sleepily up at his former student, Hermione Granger.
“Sorry, Professor, I couldn’t resist,” Hermione chuckled, indicating the current setting before her.
Remus and Ashley were tangled in each others arms, still wearing their clothes from the previous day. Ashley was still asleep, her head resting on Remus, brown hair cascading over his chest. She was snoring softly.
“Oh,” Remus said indifferently. “We must’ve fallen asleep. What time is it?”
“Nearly one o’clock.”
“Wow!” Remus shook Ashley awake and she snorted quite loudly.
“Huh?” Ashley rubbed her eyes and looked around.
“Ash, it’s almost one o’clock, my love,” Remus said softly. “Time to get up!”
“Oh my gosh, it’s one already?”
“Yes, we’ve got to get up.” Remus nudged Ashley and she straightened up into a sitting position. Only then did she notice Hermione.
“Oh, hello dear!”
“Hi, Ashley,” Hermione admired Ashley, and how she talked to her. Unlike when other people her senior talked to her in that manner, Hermione did not get offended, nor did she believe Ashley thought of her as a child. “Would you two like some breakfast?”
“Breakfast would be lovely!” Remus replied, getting up off the old couch and helping Ashley accomplish the same. The three of them went into the kitchen in Number 12 Grimmauld Place meeting Harry as he was spreading peanut butter on a slice of bread. Hermione patted him on the shoulder encouragingly. Since Dumbledore’s death, he’d hardly eaten anything. It was nice to see him actually helping himself to some food.
“How does French toast sound?” Remus looked at Ashley who nodded her head, and then Hermione.
“None for me, I just ate,” Hermione said reaching into the refrigerator, extracting a milk carton. She poured herself and Harry a glass as Remus insisted that Ashley stay seated and allow him to prepare her breakfast.
“Come on, Remus,” Ashley moaned trying to get up as he put an arm in front of her blocking her path.
“You stay seated, young missy.” Ashley scowled at him, but reluctantly eased further back into the chair. She hated it when he called her that. It alerted her to the 10 year age difference between her and Remus. “After all, I need the practice. I’m sure you wouldn’t want a husband who couldn’t cook.” Remus turned to the cupboard quickly, so he did not see the slight frown Ashley wore at the word “Husband”. Harry and Hermione, who had seen, exchanged worried glances. Remus was very important to the both of them, and he loved Ashley with every ounce of his being. If she was getting cold feet… Well, it would just break his heart! He was so proud of her, and their engagement had by far been the highest point in his life. You could see love in his eyes every time he looked at her. It was that foot-poppin’, fairy-tale, happily-ever-after kind of love that only comes around once in a lifetime, if you’re lucky. Remus had been very lucky indeed. Harry stood up and ate the second half of his toast in two bites. He took the milk Hermione passed him and guzzled it, then left the room. Hermione followed his example.
“Remus, “ Ashley said in a very serious tone, very unlike her usual light and cheerful voice. “Remus, we really have to talk.”
“What’s the matter?” Remus asked concernedly as he flipped a piece of French toast in the skillet. He turned to see Ashley’s tear stained face, and knelt down so he was eye level with her.
“Remus, I don’t know how to tell you this,” she began shakily. “Remus, it’s just all too hard…”
“What Ashley? What’s too hard?”
“Us, Remus!” She yelled, but clearly didn’t mean to, judging by the look of shame on her face. She lowered her voice considerably when she spoke a second time. “Me and you, Remus. This is all going too fast for me. I just “”
“Wait, I don’t understand. What are you trying to say, Ashley? You want to call of the engagement?” Ashley nodded her head in confirmation. Remus looked hurtfully at Ashley.
“I’m really sorry, Remus, I’m just not ready.”
“It’s ok, Ash. We don’t have to get married right yet “”
“No, Remus,” Ashley let her head fall forward before continuing. “Remus, I don’t think “ I don’t think that we should see each other anymore. I’m sorry.”
Remus looked as if he’d been hit with a three ton boulder as Ashley handed him the engagement ring he’d given her nearly nine months before. She turned and strode out of the room as the smell of burnt toast reached Remus’ nostrils.
*
“Where’s Remus?” Harry asked the room at large, not expecting any of the seven people before him to have a precise answer. Surprisingly enough, one of them did.
“He went to the Hog’s Head again,” said Charlie Weasley, who had returned from Romania for a couple days to attend a crucial Order meeting. He was set to leave the following day. “He’s gone there every day for the past week. Last night he didn’t even bother to come home.” This was how it was now. Remus would get up, slump around the house for a while, and in the evening he’d either drink some firewhisky up in his room or go to the Hog’s Head, alone. His visits to the village had grown more frequent and early steadily after Ashley had moved out, and even more so when the news had reached them that she was now seeing someone else.
“But what if something’s happened to him? Shouldn’t someone check on him?”
“Calm down, Hermione, Dad and I went to see him last night and this morning. He’s doing just fine “ that is, he’s not bearing any extensive physical injuries.” Fred Weasley assured his little brother’s girlfriend.
“Yeah, Hermione,” Ginny spoke up for the first time that day. “I’m sure he’ll be just fine, he just needs some time to grieve.” She reached across Fleur’s lap and squeezed her hand comfortingly. She and Bill were staying at Number 12 Grimmauld Place while Charlie was staying there.
“Remus!” Ron exclaimed as a very drunk Lupin staggered toward a big chair that Bill was currently occupying. Bill hastily stood up and helped him sit down.
“I’m not a child!” Remus snarled as he feebly pushed Bill put of his way. He was so drunk he couldn’t even stand the force of the push. He fell backwards, falling on the hard wood floor. Hermione started crying, and Harry and Ron went to help Remus up. This time he didn’t protest, but stormed out of the room immediately after.
Later in the day, around three o’clock, Remus came downstairs. He requested to see Harry in private.
“Harry, I’m sorry about all of this,” Remus started once they had settled on the bed in his dusty room.
“Its fine, Remus“”
“No it’s not, Harry.”
“Really, Remus, I understand. I would have been just as upset.”
“Harry, I want you to know that you’re a wonderful wizard,” Remus said suddenly, looking very uncertain of himself. “You are a wonderful friend, boyfriend to Ginny, and someday you will make her (or someone else, whatever the case may be) a wonderful husband. I want you to know that your parents and Sirius loved you more that you’ll ever know. I love you more than you’ll ever know, strange as that may seem considering you knew me first as your professor. But it’s true. And Dumbledore always had confidence in you. He knew that you could complete your task from day one, and he was right. You will do this, Harry, I know you will. You should never doubt yourself, but keep in mind that Voldemort is a very powerful wizard. He’ll try to discourage you, bring up painful memories that may make you lose the will to continue, but you must go on!”
“Remus, why are you saying this?” Harry said looking very worried.
“Harry, have a long and happy life, ok?”
“Ok, Remus, but why are you saying this to me? What’s going on?”
“Nothing, Harry.” Harry wasn’t quite convinced, but he thought it best not to press the matter. Remus escorted him back to the living room to join the others. After giving them all a hug, he turned to Harry, Hermione, and the Weasleys before barricading himself in his bedroom.
“Goodbye, Harry,” Remus looked as if he was on the brink of tears. “Goodbye everyone.” A few of them said “Bye” back, but Harry and Hermione refused to say anything. Hermione started to cry silently once again and Harry just looked at Remus with a frown, fearful for his friend, confidant and only remaining link to his parents.
The next morning they found Remus’ lifeless form face down on his bed.
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory.
Life is short, but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees.
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said “I’ll love her till I die”.
And then we buried him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whisky lullaby.
*
*
Ashley had arrived at Sirius’ old house the moment she’d heard the news. She’d said nothing the entire time, and didn’t even cry until the evening of the funeral. It tore Harry's heart apart when he’d seen her new boyfriend, Steven, comforting her as Scrimgeour said a few words. Next Harry, Ron and Hermione got up and said more personal things about Remus, though their speech wasn’t very long. It was too hard on them. Finally a few members from the Order talked about his great achievements for several minutes, ending the first part of the ceremony. After that, the small group of people that had gathered for the funeral apparated (or side-along-apparated) to the cemetery where Harry’s parents were buried to lower the casket into the soft spring soil. They covered him, and then they separated to mourn in their separate residence.
Harry, Hermione, Ron, and the Weasleys returned to Number 12 Grimmauld place, while Ashley stayed behind for a few extra minutes. After that, she didn’t return to Grimmauld, nor did she go to Steven’s house, where she’d been living for several weeks. Instead, she went to a small muggle hotel. Being muggle born, she’d long since known how to handle muggle money, and kept some extra on her a lot of the time.
The person who led her to her room was shocked to see that there was no luggage for him to carry, but he said nothing at the look on her face. She looked ill, and very sad. Perhaps she’d gotten in an argument with her spouse or boyfriend, and just wanted to get away. Yes, that must be it.
When Ashley got into the room alone, she collapsed on the floor, not even bothering to go to the bed. She wept openly for the first time since she’d heard the news of Remus’ death. It had been her fault, all her fault. She wasn’t even sure why she’d called off the wedding in the first place, only that it felt like the right thing to do at the time. Oh boy, it didn’t feel right anymore.
Ashley finally crawled over to the bed, sitting on the edge next to the phone. Gathering up some composure she finally picked up the receiver and held it to her ear as she dialed the room-service number, ordering herself more liquor than she knew she could handle. Although it definitely wasn’t going to solve all of her problems, Ashley got drunk to the point that she could no longer stand. When she moved back in with Steven, this became a steady habit.
The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years, she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night…
“Ashley, honey, get up,” Steven said cautiously, lifting Ashley from the sofa. She’d slept there for the past months, though he had no idea why. Perhaps it had something to do with Remus. She’d often get drunk when she thought about him, which was all the time, but who could blame her? Steven knew he would think of Ashley, if he believed the reason she’d committed suicide was because he’d left her. Thankfully, that would never happen. He would never leave her.
“Don’t call me 'honey',” Ashley scolded groggily. She’d become more hostel toward him every day since Remus’ death. She had stopped returning his “I love you” ‘s and it worried him. Maybe Remus’ death had affected her so that she no longer loved him. No, of course not, she was simply too drunk to respond.
“Ok Ashley, what is the matter?” Steven had to know what was going on inside her head, he just had to. The response he got was neither what he expected, nor what he wanted to hear.
“It’s you, Steven! You are here with me now, and he’s not! You’re not him, Steven, and you’ll never replace him! I thought you could, but you never will!” Ashley broke down in tears and collapsed in his lap. It was the closest she’d been to him in months, yet he didn’t feel the least bit happy about it.
“I get it, Ash. I’ll leave tomorrow.” Steven got up and gave her a look of pure distain he knew she didn’t deserve. “You wont have to look at me that way.” He walked away. That was the last time he’d see Ashley.
As the weeks wore on, Ashley’s neighbors saw less and less of Ashley. A particularly concerned neighbor called her home one day after not seeing her for several days. There was no answer. Really getting worried, she walked the short distance next door and knocked. No Answer. She knocked again. No answer. She knocked a third time and when there was no answer yet again, she stepped in. Nothing could have prepared her for what she was about to see laying on that couch.
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby
La la la la la la la,
La la la la la la la…
Authors Note: This is my first fic, so I don’t have much experience… I picked a song fic because I am a great music lover, and I thought this was a beautiful song. This song is called Whiskey Lullaby as performed by Brad Paisley and Allison Krause… Please review, and be sure to include as much constructive criticism as you can muster! I’m always looking to improve!