The next few months passed quickly for Severus Snape. He had been spending more and more of his time at Hogwarts. Professor Slughorn had insisted on his help reviewing the students’ writing assignments. It was often very late at night when he returned to Spinner’s End.
At the Headmaster’s suggestion, Professor Slughorn had seen the need to give Snape his own office and work area, completely separate from the Potions wing. Snape and Violet ate lunch together there almost every day and then she would observe his work in the laboratory. She had improved her Potions marks well enough that Dumbledore called off her private lessons, although Snape did not doubt that Dumbledore was completely aware of their new arrangement.
Bellatrix had ended Snape’s Occlumency training after he became able to shut her out of his mind without breaking a sweat. Snape did not have any other audiences with the Dark Lord, but he did report in to Lucius Malfoy regularly. Before each of these meetings, however, Snape would meet with Dumbledore, who would capture most of his memories having to do with Violet. Snape also brewed a few other potions at Dumbledore’s request and those thoughts, too, were safely protected.
Snape was pleased that most of his visits with the Malfoys tended toward social calls and were a follow-up on his apprenticeship - very infrequently would they be discussing strategy of some kind. Occasionally Malfoy would mention some well placed person at the Ministry, but this information would always be shut away in Snape’s mind, not to be shared with anyone. Dumbledore had never once tried to use Legilimency against him. During the times when Dumbledore sifted Snape’s memories for safe-keeping, he always kept strictly on target. Snape was beginning to trust him explicitly.
During these months, Snape also continued to meet occasionally with Lily Potter. Although his lessons with Violet had officially ended, it had been Lily who encouraged the meetings to continue. She had said that she liked the insight that Snape was able to give her into her sister. Lily also sensed that Violet was becoming more serious about Snape so she felt it her duty to stay open to communications. Lily had neglected to mention this last part to her husband whom she felt sure would explode with rage. She decided not to cross that bridge with him until they all got that far. As well, Lily remained alert to any mentions that Snape might make of his work for Dumbledore or his interactions with Lucius Malfoy. Information was slight, as Snape was very tight-lipped about every aspect of his life.
Snape and Violet sat eating lunch together about a week before the Christmas holiday. Snape was just getting ready to launch into an explanation of the best herb-drying methods when Violet cut him off.
“Severus, can we spend Christmas together?” she asked him eagerly.
He closed his open mouth without responding.
“Let’s go to Spinner’s End,” she suggested, smiling.
“That would not be proper, there is no chaperone there,” he told her soberly.
Snape looked away from her then, knowing too well where she was going with this. He remembered Dumbledore’s command not to leave Hogwarts and he frowned. He returned his gaze to her; how to make her understand?
“It is not possible for us to spend Christmas together,” he replied slowly.
She frowned. “Why not?”
“It just isn’t.”
“Okay, we don’t have to go to Spinner’s End then. You can just come over to James and Lily’s,” she told him.
“It is not possible,” he stated again as the frown deepened.
She scowled at him and threw her napkin on the table.
Snape did not like where this was heading.
“Do I embarrass you?” she asked, cautiously.
Snape rolled his eyes, causing Violet to snap to her feet.
“I am tired of living this way!” she complained.
“That is easily remedied,” he told her shortly, with a definite glare.
Violet stomped to the door.
“I can leave and not come back,” she threatened, pouting.
Now Snape was standing as well.
“Then I suggest you do just that,” he replied scathingly.
Snape watched angrily as Violet dropped her shoulders in defeat and turned around slowly, letting herself out of his office.
He turned back to their half-eaten lunch and with a flick cleared her place away. He finished the remainder of his meal in stony silence, remembering how uncomplicated his life was before Violet came into it.
True to her word, Snape did not see Violet again before the break for the Christmas holiday. He skulked around in a nasty mood. He was angry at her for behaving like a child “ she knew what she was getting into. But more than that, he was angry at himself for allowing any of this to happen in the first place.
Violet was close to capturing his heart, he admitted to himself on Christmas Day as he sat silently drinking his tea, alone at the kitchen table at Spinner’s End. He brooded over this thought, more surprised than anything else. He had not anticipated that this would happen - Violet was a nice diversion for him. She allowed him to keep his mind on other things. She was intelligent and forthright in conversation. She kept strongly to her convictions when they were discussing things like proper Transfiguration procedures. He enjoyed her company, though she tended toward impulsiveness; he remembered the feel of her hand on his cheek.
He scowled as he studied the pattern of the wood grain on the table top. It was foolhardy to think they could have a future of any kind; moreover, it was down right dangerous. Snape slammed his hand down onto the table, causing the mug to jump and his palm to sting, reminding him once more of Violet at the banquet hall “ the first time he had seen her in such a long while. He shook his head slowly. How had it come to this? He needed to get this girl out of his head; more importantly, out of his life. Her safety depended on it. He had deluded himself long enough. He had allowed Dumbledore to provide him with an illusion of protection. He scowled darkly, thinking about his weaknesses “ he wanted to pretend that they could exist in this oasis of Hogwarts. He wanted to pretend to have a normal life.
He shook his head slowly. This was serious. He would not allow the Dark Lord or any of them to harm her because of his feelings for her. He could not bear the thought. As difficult as it was to think about, Snape knew that he could not go back to the way things were before they left on break. If he did that, there would be no letting go of her again.
Each day leading up to the Christmas holiday was a small torture for Violet. She kept her word and did not attempt to see or contact Snape in any way. She lived through each day with a hollow, empty feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Returning to James and Lily’s did nothing to improve Violet’s mood. She remained distant during the holiday celebrations and kept to her room until Lily demanded that she come out and join the festivities. Lily watched her brood, knowing only too well what could bring on this type of behavior.
Two days after Christmas, Lily let herself into Violet’s bedroom and sat gently on the edge of the bed as Violet slept.
“Vi,” Lily said softly.
Violet stirred, but did not open her eyes.
“Violet,” Lily said, reaching out a hand to rub her sister’s arm gently, “you have got to talk to me.”
Violet opened her eyes. Brown eyes stared mournfully into her sister’s green ones.
“I don’t want to discuss it,” Violet told her for the hundredth time.
“Look at you,” Lily said, alarmed. “You seem to be falling to pieces. I don’t care what you want. You need to talk to me about this!”
Violet sat up in bed and pulled the covers tightly around her. Her eyes brimmed with tears.
“What is it?” Lily implored.
“Severus… Severus is embarrassed by me,” Violet explained.
Lily took her hand. “Whatever do you mean?”
“He would not spend Christmas with me!”
Lily sighed.
“Why not?”
“Well, he said we couldn’t go to Spinner’s End because there was no chaperone there,” Violet began.
“I daresay not!” Lily exclaimed. Trust Severus to think about propriety.
“But then he refused to come here either.”
“You invited him here?” Lily asked, surprised. “But you never mentioned it.”
Violet looked at Lily intently. “I thought this was my home too.”
Lily sighed in exasperation.
“I would have told you first, if he had agreed to come.”
“Did you really expect Severus to come here?” Lily prodded.
Violet shrugged her shoulders.
“I don’t really think, Violet, that this is about you,” Lily suggested, squeezing her sister’s hand lightly. “This is about James and Severus.”
“If he cared about me, then it shouldn’t matter,” Violet said hotly.
“Think about whom you are talking about,” Lily suggested, smiling. “I think you are being a bit harsh on Severus. First of all, I commend him for not going to Spinner’s End. It means he cares, above all, about your reputation. Secondly, I don’t really think a major holiday is a good place to start with him and James.”
Lily regarded Violet for a few moments.
“How serious is this situation, Violet?”
Violet shrugged again.
“Well, seeing as he hasn’t so much as contacted me since before the holiday I would guess not that serious.”
“Why don’t you let things blow over?” Lily suggested.
Violet sighed dejectedly.
Lily let go of Violet’s hand and stood up slowly. “Come to breakfast.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes,” Lily replied sternly. “You go back to Hogwarts in one week’s time. You aren’t going to languish around here and feel sorry for yourself any longer. It isn’t good for you. Why don’t you give Severus the lead in this? It seems that he has been looking out for your welfare so far.”
Violet got up out of bed and regarded Lily sadly.
“What if he has decided that he isn’t interested in this relationship anymore?” she asked fearfully.
“I would be surprised,” Lily answered cautiously, “but I would encourage you to abide by his wishes. Maybe he just needs some time to sort out how he feels.”
Violet remained silent, wishing she could tell Lily the truth about Snape.
“Maybe he needs for you to trust him to do the right thing,” Lily went on. “And maybe there is more to the situation than you realize.”
Violet snapped her head up and looked at Lily searchingly, as the last statement hung in the air between them. The two women gazed at each other for a long moment, but no one spoke.
Lily smiled a small smile.
“Come quickly before breakfast gets cold,” she told Violet, as she let herself out of the bedroom and shut the door gently behind her.
Snape changed his routine once he arrived back at Hogwarts. He began eating lunch in the staff room. He even began setting the wards to his office when he was inside so no one could just walk in on him. Snape guessed that Violet had tried to come to see him twice. This he could tell by the scent of vanilla that hung about his doorway. It stabbed at his empty insides. He missed her terribly. He steeled his resolve; there was nothing for it. He cared for her too greatly to continue to play under this illusion and place her life in danger.
Snape continued with his work, pleased when Professor Slughorn announced his confidence that Snape would be ready to be named in a few months time. Snape sent an owl to Lucius Malfoy to report on this new development. He was surprised at how quickly Malfoy responded when he heard an owl tapping on the window of the staffroom during lunch.
Professor Sprout, closest to the window, unlatched it quickly allowing the owl entrance. It glided to where Snape sat and landed expertly on the table releasing the letter into his lap. Snape cut off a small piece of his roast pork and gave it to the bird that hooted thanks and departed. Snape did not even have to look at the letter to know it came from Violet. The scent alone made his heart stop. He glanced furtively around the room, certain no one was paying attention, and then he opened it slowly.
Dearest Severus,
It seems like ages since we have talked personally. I have tried
to see you twice now, but it appears that my visits are in vain. My
days go by very slowly now, the one bright spot of which is watching
each morning for your arrival. Just knowing we are in the same place
cheers my heart.
I must apologize for my childish behavior from before the
holiday. I was petulant, choosing to completely ignore the risks we
are facing “ the risks that you are facing in continuing to be my
friend. I was selfish and I am sorry.
Over the past few weeks you have made your intentions
very clear, so although I miss you so much it makes my heart ache,
I promise not to bother you any more. I do not --actually, I can not--
believe that my feelings for you were misplaced or one-sided so I
can only guess your recent behavior is not without reason.
I will be thankful always for the friendship and caring you
have shown me. I wait with longing for the day we might meet
again. No one will replace you in my heart.
Always yours,
Violet
Snape refolded the letter carefully and stowed it away inside his robe. He ate mechanically, the words of her letter running through his head. His thoughts kept returning to the same thing “ Violet watched for his arrival daily.
Later that afternoon, Snape received another owl, but this one came from Lucius Malfoy. His presence was required at a Death Eater meeting that evening. Wrapping up his daily study, Snape hurried from his office. He bounded up the stairs from the dungeons two at a time still thinking about his letter from Violet. He was hurtling himself toward the large oak doors when he suddenly collided with someone. The present moment came back into sharp focus. Books and papers went flying. Snape swore under his breath. He stumbled but did not fall. He regained his balance and turned quickly, intending to lash out at the fallen victim, but the words died on his lips.
Violet was struggling to regain her composure. Whoever had collided with her was moving so quickly that she had not even seen it coming. Her breath was knocked clear out of her. She looked up as she struggled to sit and her eyes met Snape’s. Neither of them moved for a moment.
Suddenly, Snape dropped to his knees, enveloping Violet in his arms. It was as if the past few weeks melted away as he held her close to him.
“Did I hurt you?” he breathed, glancing quickly around to see how much of an audience they had. The Main Hall was empty. Everyone must be in their common rooms getting ready for dinner.
Violet shook her head and took a couple of deep breaths. She started to cry.
Snape stiffened and pulled back, looking at her with confusion.
“What’s wrong then?” he demanded.
“I’m sorry,” Violet hiccupped, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.
Snape stood up and held out his hand to help her. She took it and stood up gingerly.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” he asked again, pulling his wand from his cloak and casting a charm to retrieve all her books and papers into his hands. He stacked the pile on the floor as Violet brushed herself off.
“I have missed you so much,” Violet said in a soft whisper, standing upright slowly.
Snape stood to his full height.
“I received your letter,” he responded, a cool detachment taking over his demeanor.
“Severus, please.”
She did not wait for his reply, but stepped toward him, drawing him into a tender hug. She buried her head into his chest. He stood stiffly for a minute then without meaning to, his arms closed around her. He relaxed in her embrace, breathing in deeply the scent of vanilla.
“Violet, I can’t,” he told her bitterly, shaking his head viciously.
“I know,” she said into his chest.
Neither of them moved.
Violet loosened her hold on Snape and stepped back, breaking his grip on her.
“I know,” she said again. “Go. Be careful.”
Snape held her gaze for one moment longer and then, scowling darkly, he turned and strode away from her, cursing under his breath.
Never Again by HandPFeather
Chapter Notes: Well, it's canon almost to the end...as of Chapter 33 of DH this is now AU. Special thanks to my beta who fit this in between movie/book mania. Special thank you especially to JK Rowling whose magical world has filled my own with much happiness.