Say Something
“I see your five Chocolate Frogs and raise you three Dungbombs.”
“I see your Dungbombs and raise you fifteen Bertie Botts beans.”
“I fold.”
“Peter,” James said, glancing over at Peter’s hand of cards. “Why would you fold? You could have beaten us both with the hand you have.”
Peter groaned and threw his cards down, a Royal Flush. “I always forget how to play this stupid game.”
“Patil didn’t teach us to play this very well,” Sirius lamented, shaking his head and setting his cards down for the others to see.
“How does he even know how to play this?” James wondered throwing his cards down as well and scooping up the prize in the middle. “This is a Muggle game, he’s not a Muggle.”
“We know he’s not, James. His mum’s a Muggle.”
“That would explain it…” James ripped open a pack of Chocolate Frogs with his teeth and handed it to disgruntled Peter. “You would’ve won.”
“Thanks,” Peter muttered, biting the frog’s head off with unnecessary viciousness. His eyes scanned the Great Hall, which was full for lunch and his eyes caught sight of Madam Pomfrey hurrying between the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables, making a beeline straight for the Staff Table. It was not only Peter who was watching this spectacle with interest, every person who could see the nurse was watching her with curious looks etched into their faces. Peter caught his friends’ eyes and jerked his head towards Madam Pomfrey. This was not good. Only one patient of hers could have instilled such a look into her “ the look of utter panic.
“Let’s go,” James barked instantly, jumping up, almost tripping over the bench in his hurry. The three boys tried to remain casual as they strolled out of the Great Hall, feigning a fascinating conversation about the dung beetles in Egypt, though none of them knew exactly what was so interesting about them. They lurked in the Entrance Hall, waiting for Sirius to redo his shoelace, still chatting pointlessly about the beetles of the Egyptian desert as if they actually knew something about the creatures. Once they saw Madam Pomfrey dash by with Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall in her wake, they began their ascent to the Hospital Wing. What had gone wrong?
The boys were not going to fool themselves into thinking that they would be allowed inside the infirmary today. They would as soon be allowed to do cartwheels on the moving staircases at midnight. Instead, they hovered down at the end of the corridor, wishing they had something to improve their hearing so they could hear what Dumbledore was saying. Madam Pomfrey was so hysterical that her voice carried the distance, but Dumbledore was speaking so low, they wondered if he was speaking at all. Something had gone horribly wrong the night before; this was what they gathered from the nurse. This was no help, they knew that much already. What they wanted to know was what happened.
Someone had intruded in the Shrieking Shack the night before… Someone had gotten through Dumbledore’s enchantments, or had found the passageway under the Whomping Willow, which meant someone had broken into the grounds. Either way, someone knew where Remus was and what he was doing. The boys couldn’t take it, standing there and not being able to see their friend. Throwing caution to the winds, they marched to the Hospital Wing door and peered through the crack. Remus was lying in a bed directly across from the door, but his body was obscured by the bodies of the three adults gathered around him. McGonagall’s face had gone ghastly pale, the light in Dumbledore’s eyes had completely gone out and the nurse’s hands were wringing helplessly.
“This wasn’t an accident,” the nurse hissed angrily to Dumbledore, her eyes wide. The boys had never heard such a voice from the nurse unless she was shooing misbehaving students out of the ward. Dumbledore whispered something in response to this statement; something the boys were fairly certain was that he already knew this. “But why would he want to hurt Remus?”
James, Sirius and Peter looked quickly at each other, their eyes widened. So the nurse and the professors knew who the culprit was? How had they figured it out? Without the evidence that the boys had, it could very well have been anyone who loathed werewolves. It was difficult to even assume that this was the handiwork of a werewolf. Then again, who else would actually attack of werewolf on the night of a full moon without the fear of becoming one himself? It was then that the boys realised Dumbledore knew everything behind Remus’s lycanthropy, including who had bitten him as a child. He had to; it must have been one of the conditions when he admitted Remus to Hogwarts. Of course he would know who had bitten him.
“Albus, what are we going to do about this?” Professor McGonagall asked in a voice that the boys only just heard. The usual sharpness in the Transfiguration professor’s voice was replaced with shock and distress.
Dumbledore’s voice was firm, decided. He knew what he had to do to remedy this. “I will take care of it, Minerva. This will never again happen to one of my students. You have my word.”
The boys had no time to run before the door to the Hospital Wing opened and they were met with the Headmaster. Now that they saw up close, his face was nearly as white as Remus’s was when the full moon was rising. His mouth was set in a determined line; he was going to stop this no matter what he had to do. He did not have to ask what the boys were doing in this corridor instead of class. The boys had no concept of time at the moment and did not know that they were due in History of Magic. Besides, they doubted Professor Binns would notice their absence. “I think you three should go to class now,” he told them softly, his eyes hard with fury that was not reflected at the young boys.
“We want to see Remus,” James spoke up heatedly, though he knew his request would not be heeded.
Dumbledore shook his head sadly. “I am afraid that is not possible at the time.”
Sirius didn’t like how Dumbledore said this. The way the words came out, it sounded as though the worst had happened… “Is he going to be okay?”
Dumbledore studied the three faces of the boys with a look of mingled pride and concern. He was proud that his students had such bonds of friendship and concerned for the very same fact. The only answer he could give Sirius was, “All physical wounds heal eventually. You may see him tonight and only if Madam Pomfrey allows you. It is best you do not pressure her at this time.” With that, he swept away to a destination unknown to the boys.
Madam Pomfrey, however, refused to allow anyone who wasn’t bleeding at the head into the Hospital Wing that day, and for the remainder of the week. During this time, Remus had not been released and James, Sirius and Peter had no knowledge of his condition or what had happened that night in the Shrieking Shack. Many times they had approached Professor McGonagall, in hopes that she would be able to tell them something enlightening, but she said nothing, though her eyes clearly revealed to them that she wanted to. This was something only Remus could tell them when he was ready. But how could he ever tell them if Madam Pomfrey kept him in the Hospital Wing? And, when he was finally released, would he be ready to tell them?
It was only on Friday evening when James, Sirius and Peter had returned from a walk around the lake that they saw the curtains drawn around Remus’s bed. For the entire week they had been open, as there had been no occupant in need of them. So Madam Pomfrey had finally let him go. It took her long enough. They stepped lightly over the threshold, across the room, and Peter gently pulled the curtains around. Remus was lying on his side, arms folded across his chest, staring at the wall opposite him. He made no sign of recognition towards his friends.
The boys took in their friend’s appearance and saw that it had been necessary for Madam Pomfrey to keep him the entire week. There was still no colour in his face, a disconcerting fact because usually within a day or two the little colour he had returned. Under both of his eyes were fading purple bruises. There were the traces of lacerations running down the length of each side of his face. They could also see similar bruises and lacerations slowly vanishing around his neck. They did not even begin to think of what else was there that was not visible to them.
“Are you okay, Remus?” James finally asked cautiously. It was a stupid question, they were aware of this, but it was the only one he could think of. Remus said nothing; he only continued gazing at the wall. “Do you want to talk about it?”
When Remus spoke, his voice was almost inaudible. His friends had to lean in slightly to make out the single word. “No.”
James looked uneasily at Sirius and Peter, who were both biting their lips uncertainly. James and Peter then glanced pointedly at Sirius. Sirius had an uncanny ability to get Remus to admit things he normally would not want to talk about. They never knew how Sirius did this, exactly, but they needed him to do it now. This situation was different from the other times Sirius had persuaded him to speak, but he gave it a try, regardless. “What happened the other night?”
Remus shook his head, stopping quickly, his eyes scrunched in pain. His voice was pleading. “I said I don’t want to talk about it.”
They knew this was their chance to drop the subject, to let Remus talk to them about what happened when he was ready, but they continued to push him. “Was it Greyback?” James questioned guardedly. It was a ridiculous question; he knew this, but anything to get Remus to talk. Bottling up anger was the worst thing for him to do at this time. It would only come out at a later time, and more violently than if he had said it now.
Remus rolled his eyes at the absurdity of James’s query. “What do you think happened?” he snapped, bringing his hand up to his forehead. What a stupid question. Who else could have been behind this? No, a pixie did this to me, Remus thought crossly, his eyes narrowing. He didn’t want to be mad at his friends, but he could not keep his attitude in check, particularly when he didn’t want to. He had every right to be mad. He hadn’t asked to be turned into a werewolf; this was solely Greyback’s decision. Remus did not ask for the monster to appear at his house that night, twelve years ago. He also hadn’t asked to be accepted into Hogwarts, no matter how much he wished for it. This was Dumbledore’s decision. The only thing Remus did was accept the offer.
“Remus,” Sirius continued, his voice almost beseeching, “What happened?” Sirius knew more than anyone else that keeping your anger bottled up only backfired in the end. This was something Remus had to get out now more than later.
“Merlin, are you three deaf?” Remus shouted, sitting up so fast he made himself dizzy. Closing his eyes, regaining his balance, he went on. “I said I don’t want to talk about it. Why is that so hard for you to understand? Can’t you just leave me alone?”
“Did you at least tell your parents?” Peter asked hopefully. If he had told his parents, at least he had told someone. The occurrences of the last full moon would not be entirely a mystery. His parents needed to know.
“Of course my parents know,” Remus said, the volume of his voice lowering. “I couldn’t hide this from them.”
James’s face was reproachful. “But you can hide it from us?”
“I didn’t tell them. McGonagall did. Did you honestly think McGonagall would let me go home looking like this and not have an explanation ready for my parents?” Remus fell back onto his pillow, facing away from his friends. “Look, can we just drop it for now?”
Sirius tried hard not to sound too expectant. “Does that mean you’ll tell us eventually?”
Remus was careful not to give any indication of yes or no in his voice. “I don’t know, Sirius.” Though there was no sign of positivism or negativity in his voice, there was an air of finality that James, Sirius and Peter knew not to cross. Their friend was not willing to share what had happened to him and if they continued to force him, there was a chance that he never would tell them.
They pushed the limits all the time, but this time, they knew better than to cross it.
The four boys sat quietly in their usual compartment on the Hogwarts Express, the minutes ticking by dreadfully slow as the train progressed to Platform Nine and Three Quarters. Conversation was nonexistent, save for the several times Sirius asked James what time it was. Soon, James gave in and allowed Sirius to wear his watch for the duration of the ride, just to rid himself of the repetition. They were interrupted only by the appearance of the lunch trolley, but none of the boys was very hungry, and so the confused witch pushed the trolley right on away.
Eventually, Peter pulled out his Wizards Chess set and started a match with James, while Sirius softly refereed the match. The game was halfhearted and done only to distract themselves from the unnatural silence that had befallen them. There was nothing to talk about, and the only thing three of them wanted to talk about was off limits. Occasionally, they would throw glances at Remus, who stared determinedly out the window, thinking if they looked at him long enough, he would cave in and tell them what they wanted to know. They had no such luck.
“There goes your pawn, James,” Sirius said, shaking his head as one of Peter’s men crushed James’s pawn to pieces.
“I hadn’t noticed,” James remarked sarcastically. “I must have left my eyes in my trunk. Thank you, Sirius.” James scooped up the remnants and dropped them unceremoniously in the box. He sat back in his seat and turned to Peter. “I can’t believe your parents are willing to put up with the four of us all summer.” Earlier that week, Peter had received a letter from his parents allowing Peter to invite his friends over for the summer holiday.
“Yeah, I thought after they found out we drove Remus to pulling out a cricket bat on us, they’d have some reservations,” Sirius scoffed.
Peter smiled at the memory, which was hilarious now that it was so far in the past. “As long as it’s not aimed at them, they have no problem with it.”
The sky outside had been overcast the entire morning. The clouds steadily grew darker with each second and had finally decided it was time to burst. Pellets of rain noisily bashed the windows of the compartment relentlessly, making it almost impossible to see outside. Remus, who had focused all of his energy on watching the countryside trail by, now had nothing to distract himself with. Instead, he turned his attention to the game between James and Peter.
This, however, did not last long.
“Victory!” James shouted, pumping his fists in the air. Peter, defeated, collected the broken pieces and replaced the box in his trunk. James, still basking in the glory of his defeat, turned to his best mate. “Hey, what time is it, Sirius?”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Not time to arrive.” He snapped the clasp on the watch and threw it at James, narrowly avoiding hitting him in the chin. “Happy Christmas.” Sirius sighed and looked around the compartment. Never had it been so awkward between the four of them. Not since their second year when they had discovered Remus was a werewolf. Actually, it had not even been awkward then. That discovery had resulted in a standoff, a separation between the four. There had been no time for unease.
Peter cleared his throat hesitantly. “When is the… full moon… for July, Remus?” It had been agreed that for that night Remus would have to go home and come back when he was feeling better.
Remus shrugged. “At the end of the month.” This was the first time in months he didn’t have to worry about whether or not Greyback would be showing up. Dumbledore had taken care of everything to prevent another visit. The beast had not been arrested, but he had no memory of what his motives had been. The Shrieking Shack had also been given extra safety precautions. Dumbledore put up spells that only he could break. Remus didn’t understand why Greyback wasn’t arrested, and no one was willing to divulge the information. The adults could hardly use the excuse that he was too young to know. He was fifteen, he deserved to know why.
Sirius bit his lip. “You still don’t want to tell us what happened?”
Remus shifted agitatedly in his seat, avoiding his friends’ eyes. “What do you think happened?”
“Greyback obviously hurt you,” James supplied, choosing his words carefully. “It had to be more than that, though.” It couldn’t just be the physical wounds. The day after that full moon Dumbledore had told him that all physical wounds heal, it was the ones in Remus’s head that may never do so.
“What did he say to you?” Sirius pressed on.
Remus laughed hollowly. “Nothing I haven’t heard before.” It wasn’t far from the truth. Greyback had said everything anyone who knew what Remus was said. The only difference was that with every word, Remus began to believe it. In the back of his mind, a voice told him it was all a lie “ he deserved to be a wizard, he was not, as Greyback put it, a “freak of nature” and his only purpose in life was to keep others from having the same fate as him. Soon, the voice in the back of his mind gave in and allowed Remus to believe every word Greyback spoke. He did not deserve to be a wizard, he was a freak of nature and his purpose in life was to condemn others to the hand in life he had been dealt.
James’s voice was almost inaudible when he next spoke. “You know what he said isn’t true.”
Remus said nothing to this, but merely excused himself to use the bathroom. Anything to get away from the tide of questions that was, without a doubt, coming.
Once the compartment door was completely shut, James turned to Sirius and Peter. “This is bad.”
“No, James, it’s incredibly good,” Sirius snarled, pressing his forehead against the cool glass of the window.
“Sirius,” Peter hissed warningly. Now was not a time for him to develop an attitude when James began stating the obvious. “I don’t see what we can possibly do. He’s not going to talk and we can’t make him.”
James gritted his teeth, searching for any way they could do the exact opposite of what Peter was telling them. There had been a point in their friendship where they could tell each other anything; this point had long since disappeared. This was territory they were unfamiliar with. They only knew what happened the night Remus was bitten. They knew nothing of the years that followed, the years before they all met in the same compartment on their way to Hogwarts. They didn’t know how he was treated. What could they do to get to the former point of their friendship where absolutely nothing was off limits?
“We’ve already proven to him we don’t care what he is,” James persisted fiercely.
“I don’t think that’s the problem, James,” Sirius muttered, his eyes glaring at the countryside as if this held some blame. “He knows we don’t care, we showed that ages ago. Why else would we be trying to become Animagi?”
Peter folded his arms across his chest and leaned back in his seat exasperatedly. “Then what are you saying, Sirius?”
“I’m saying that we can’t change the opinions of others. Whatever Greyback said to him, it involved that. It involved him saying that Remus is scum and that no one in their right minds would ever be friends with someone like him. We’re only three people and three people are nothing compared to the hundreds that would never put up with what he is.”
“His parents do,” Peter interjected.
“Because they’re his parents. They would love him no matter what he is, that’s the kind of people they are.” Sirius planted his forehead in his hand. “Maybe we should just do what he wants and stop talking about it. We’re not helping him by trying to force him to tell us exactly what happened that night. We’re not helping ourselves either by constantly wondering.”
“We can’t just drop it, Sirius, and pretend that nothing happened,” James snapped disbelievingly.
“Yes we can! We’re not helping, James!”
“You want to know what happened?” James, Sirius and Peter whipped around to see Remus standing in the doorway with an unreadable expression in his eyes. It looked like reluctant defeat, or unspeakable annoyance. “I’ll tell you what happened, if it makes you all stop talking about it. I went to the Shrieking Shack that night, just like any other, and Greyback was there. He was waiting there all day for me. I don’t know how he knew that was where I would be, but he did.” Remus closed his eyes for a moment as the scene replayed in his head, Greyback’s voice ringing loudly in his mind. “And… he said he wanted to prove that I was nothing “ as a wizard or werewolf. That I couldn’t fight him off as a wizard and I couldn’t fight him off as a werewolf. He was right. You didn’t see me until Madam Pomfrey was through, if you’d seen me before then, you’d see that he was right. I couldn’t fight him off, I was too weak.”
“Greyback is a monster, Remus,” Sirius asserted vehemently. “You shouldn’t be expected to fight off a monster.”
“He’s the same thing I am, Sirius! We’re both monsters.” What couldn’t they grasp about this? He was no different than Greyback. The very fact that he fought back proved this. Only a monster would fight back the way he had tried to. He could have taken the beating without protest, shown that he was the better man, but he didn’t. He was trying to prove something to himself, and he didn’t even know what that was. He lowered himself to Greyback’s level, the level where he showed he was what everyone expected werewolves to be “ complete and utter monsters.
“You’re not a monster.”
“I fought back, Sirius! I fought back. If I hadn’t, I would still have some dignity left that proved I was above that kind of thing.”
“You were defending yourself,” James inserted in the hopes that it would do something to remedy the situation.
“Listen, James,” Remus said slowly, visibly fighting to keep his voice in check. “I swore to myself a long time ago that I would never become what I became that night “ a vicious beast. I could have taken it, Greyback wouldn’t have killed me. He had something to prove and he couldn’t do that by killing me.”
Remus stared at the faces of his friends. He’d seen each of them wince horribly the mention of Greyback killing him, but the wince went away when Remus said that was not going to happen. He knew when James said that he was defending himself; it meant that he was trying to keep his life. “I became like Greyback that night.” He slumped against the frame of the compartment door.
“Not entirely,” Sirius murmured. Then, in a louder voice, added, “If you had become like Greyback, you wouldn’t be beating yourself up about this.”
Remus said nothing; he only sat down on the empty seat beside James. The corners of James’s mouth turned down as he tried to think of something to cheer his friend up. “Who’s up for wrecking Peter’s house this summer?”
Peter, startled by this sudden change of subject, jerked his head up and yelped, “What?”
“Well, you two have done it at my house for two years, you got Remus’s last year, now it’s your turn, Peter,” James explained reasonably.
“What about Sirius’s house?”
“We’re not going to my house, Pete,” Sirius rebuked quickly. “Besides, my house is a wreck enough without you three having any part in it.”
James scoffed. “I seriously doubt your mother would let your house go to ruins.”
Sirius smirked. “Not unless I had something to do with it.”
“Yes, but you’re not home often enough to do something like that.”
Sirius barked out a laugh. “Wait until I’m an adult and I can use magic outside of school. Think my dear old mum would enjoy having a house full of wild animals?”
“She’d fit right in, wouldn’t she?” Remus offered in a small voice.
Sirius feigned outrage, though was pleased that their efforts had proved fruitful and Remus was back to joking around with them, even if only a little. “Remus Lupin, I am astonished! No, I am outraged that you would ever compare my mother to a wild animal!” He slapped a hand to his forehead and shook his head wildly. “The more appropriate comparison is a banshee.”
“Oh, well, sorry for the confusion.”
“You’re quite forgiven.”
Some time later the train skidded to a halt at Platform Nine and Three Quarters and, almost at once, the students began filing into the corridors, ready to greet their families after another year of separation. James, Sirius, Remus and Peter sat in their compartment, watching through the window as the others passed by.
“So,” Sirius finally said, tapping his knee with his hand, “fourth year is over.”
“Yeah,” James said, nodding slowly, Peter and Remus doing the same.
Sirius stood up and pulled his trunk off the luggage rack above the seat. He looked over his shoulder at his friends and nodded towards the door. “I say good riddance.”