The Woes of Remus Lupin
Lily returned to school that Monday, as Alice said she would, and quickly fell back into her usual school routine. The new Head Girl did her best to act normally around her classmates, as if she wasn’t hurting in any way, though no one expected her to do this. Her classmates did not completely understand what she was going through, very few of them having lost their own parents, but they did understand that she was grieving. Alice was the only person who truly understood how she was feeling, having lost her father when she was only twelve. No one expected Lily to put on an act, to pretend that everything was okay. Lily spent most of her time with Alice, who did not bring up Mr. and Mrs. Evans, something for which Lily was incredibly grateful. She could not stand to talk about her parents. It was too soon.
The seventh years knew this year was going to be the most difficult of their seven years at Hogwarts, so they were not surprised when every professor lectured them for a long time about the NEWT examinations at the end of the year. In every class the seventh years went to, the first thing the professors made sure to tell them was that these exams determined the outcome of their career searches. If they didn’t apply themselves to their fullest extent, they could not hope to make anything out of themselves come next year.
They had heard all of this two years ago when they were due to sit their OWL exams; the seventh years didn’t want to hear it again.
Some students took the professors’ words lightly, thinking that, if worse came to worse, they could take the exams over again in the summer or work in a shop in Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade. Not everyone wanted to or was good enough to work at the Ministry or in St. Mungo’s. There were some jobs that didn’t require the top grades, but were just as good. There were others who took their mentors’ words deeply to heart, knowing that they could not jeopardize their futures by slacking off this year. It was time to put their noses to the grindstone and study as if they had nothing else to do.
Out of all the seventh years, however, no one seemed to take the upcoming exams as seriously as Remus Lupin. Every night following the first day of school he could be found in the library, poring over his textbooks or his notes from three years ago. When he wasn’t in the library, he was in the dormitory practising spells on his various belongings. Most of his classmates just thought he was the obsessive bookworm who liked studying; there was nothing unusual about it. James, Sirius and Peter knew better. Remus was terrified about what the end of seventh year meant. For every other seventh year it meant the start of their new lives, their promising futures.
For Remus, the end of the school year meant the end of everything he would ever be able to have. He was never going to have the bright future his classmates and friends would have. His lycanthropy would be made public knowledge soon after he graduated. If he wished to be employed by a witch or wizard, he was obligated to share this information. He would be fined heavily if he withheld it and Remus sure he would never be able to afford a fine. If he was employed by a Muggle, he would be fired in three months when he had to miss work because of the full moon and his recovery. Any sensible boss wouldn’t stand for that and Remus knew it. It didn’t matter if he had top grades; his life was going to fall apart come graduation.
“I need food!” Sirius announced loudly late one evening. He, Remus, Peter and Frank were in the dormitory. James was still at Quidditch tryouts, as there were three positions on the team open this year and it seemed more than half of Gryffindor house had turned out for the tryouts. Peter was sitting on his bed, reading through pamphlets about different Ministry jobs. Frank was supposed to be working on his Transfiguration homework, but was doodling in the margins instead and Remus had his head bent over his Charms textbook.
“Then get some,” Remus muttered, underlining a helpful sentence with scarlet ink.
“I can’t do it without help!”
“Forgotten how to eat, have you?”
“Merlin, Remus, you’re no fun, anymore.”
“I’m studying, Sirius.”
“You’re always studying, Remus.”
Remus slowly lifted his eyes from his book and glared witheringly at Sirius, who did not back down for a second. “Here’s a wonderful idea, why don’t you ask Peter if he wants to go to the kitchens with you?”
Peter glanced up from his Ministry pamphlets and nodded eagerly. “I’ll go with you, Sirius.”
Sirius gave one swift nod toward Peter before rounding again on Remus. “I was going to ask him, Remus, but I thought the three of us should go.”
“I’m studying, Sirius.”
Exasperated, Sirius suddenly smirked and ripped the textbook out from Remus’s hands. “Let’s talk, Remus.” When he said this, he was not smirking. His tone was completely serious.
Remus, however, did not notice his friend’s tone. “Give me my book, Sirius.”
“Never boring, living with those two,” Frank said, shaking his head at his roommates’ antics. “Think they’ll kill each other?” he asked Peter curiously.
“Probably, that or one of them is going to lose a limb.”
“Bloody hell, Sirius, can I have my book?” Remus snapped.
Sirius, using his height advantage, stood up on Remus’s bed and held his Charms textbook above his head. “Not until you agree to go to the kitchens with me and Peter.”
“I’m busy.” Remus wobbly stood up on his bed and snatched the book back from Sirius. He dropped back down; causing Sirius to fall over onto the floor, and searched for the page he had been on. “Thanks, you made me lose my page,” he muttered.
Sirius sighed and rolled his eyes as he stood up. This was a lost cause. “C’mon, Peter.” He led the way to the door, Peter’s scurrying footsteps behind him.
“What’s wrong with him?” Peter asked as he shut the dormitory door.
Sirius was pulling the Marauder’s Map out of his robe pocket. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” He smiled as the map began to take form. They had a clear path to the kitchens; there wasn’t a soul in sight. “That, Wormtail, is the beginning of Moony’s nervous breakdown.” He started down the stairs. “It was bound to happen eventually.”
September was passed in a blur of blue, sunny skies and perfect temperatures marred with the unsightly downfall of homework, preventing the seventh years from enjoying the beautiful weather. All of the professors decided their seventh years must have had nothing better to do than constantly work on complicated assignments. There was no such thing as a social life, recreational sports and reading, nothing of the sort! No, as far as the professors were concerned, their seventh years were going to spend their final year of Hogwarts within the confines of the castle walls.
“What are we going to do tomorrow night?” James hissed excitedly under his breath to Remus during Defence Against the Dark Arts. The following evening would be the first full moon of the school year and James wanted to make it the best, as it was the final first full moon of their schooling career. Once school was over, who knew if they would all be able to spend the full moons together?
Remus, who was looking exceptionally pale and sleepy, shook his head, rubbing his hands repeatedly over his eyes. “I dunno,” he mumbled before stifling a deep yawn and taking down notes as Professor Hayes lectured them on the multiple properties of the Hungarian Horntail.
James watched his friend concernedly. He didn’t like that the only thing Remus seemed to do lately was fret over the NEWTs and study constantly for them. James understood why his friend was doing this; James might have done the same thing if he was in that position. James knew he would be worrying about the exams if he knew that he had no hopes of getting anywhere once school was over. But James also knew that good grades wouldn’t help someone like Remus.
What James hated the most was that this seemed to infringe on Remus’s sleeping and eating habits. James had woken up at four in the morning that day to use the bathroom and saw Remus reading his Transfiguration notes by the light of his wand. Remus hardly stayed for more than a few minutes in the Great Hall at meal times, eating only a few bites of food before heading to the library or the dormitory. James knew why he did all this, but that didn’t mean he liked it.
“Maybe we could go around Hogsmeade?” James suggested hopefully. It had been a while since the four roamed the streets of Hogsmeade in the dead of night.
“Whatever you want, James,” Remus replied indifferently, scribbling out a misspelled word and replacing it. Remus couldn’t deal with a full moon right now, there was too much else to do. He wished he could just skip over tomorrow night altogether, but he knew that was ridiculous.
“Maybe we could-”
“James, Remus, you’re missing important facts,” Professor Hayes cut in. Professor Hayes had been an instant hit amongst the students. After the hideous experiences with Professor Finely last year, Hayes was revered as a god. Professor Hayes didn’t look down upon his students, despite what problems they might have had. He didn’t lose his temper as easily as his predecessor. He respected his students and made sure they knew this.
“Sorry, sir,” the boys murmured, returning to their note-taking.
When class ended, James immediately suggested that Remus go to the Hospital Wing. He didn’t look as though he could make it through a double period of Transfiguration. Professor McGonagall would understand why he was missing. Professor McGonagall never questioned Remus’s absences from class. But Remus refused, saying he couldn’t afford to miss what they would be learning today. With his luck, it would end up on the NEWTs and he would have no idea what to do.
Shrugging hopelessly, James fell into step with Sirius and Peter, who were further ahead. There was no point in arguing with him, he just wouldn’t listen to reason. The three boys only stopped walking when they heard Lily’s shocked voice. They spun around to see that she was supporting Remus on her shoulder, a terrified look on her face. James, Sirius and Peter hurried over and James relieved Lily of her burden, bringing Remus down to the floor and propping him against the stone wall. He was sickeningly pale, the dark circles under his eyes more pronounced than ever due to his lack of sleep and the impending full moon. His eyes were shut and his face was scrunched in pain.
At once, Sirius stuck his head inside the doorway of the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom and called for their professor, who was outside almost instantly. He crouched down beside his ill student and put a hand to Remus’s forehead. Concerned etched across his face, he looked up at Sirius and Peter. “You two, go on to class,” he instructed them.
“But-” Sirius began. He wasn’t leaving his friend like this.
“Please, Sirius, just listen to me. James and Lily can stay with him and I’ll get Madam Pomfrey.” When the two seventh years still looked doubtful, he added, “I will let you know what happened as soon as I can. You have my word on that.”
Still reluctant, Peter and Sirius made their way to their next class while Professor Hayes hurried to the Hospital Wing. James kept a reassuring hand on Remus’s shoulder, frustrated that his friend had brought a lot of this upon himself. If he had just listened to James, Sirius and Peter every time they suggested doing something fun like sneaking into the kitchens or Honeydukes’, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Of course, the full moon had to take some of the blame, but maybe it wouldn’t have hit him so hard if he wasn’t overworking himself.
James glanced up and saw Lily looked extremely upset. It must have been destroying her to see people she cared about getting hurt. “Are you okay, Lily?” he asked, watching her closely.
“Fine…” she replied distractedly, waving a hand as if she was swatting away James’s question. “What do you think happened?”
James sighed and searched for the right words to explain what must have been going on in his friend’s mind. “Remus hasn’t really been himself lately.”
Lily’s frown deepened. “What d’you mean?”
“He’s been stressing himself out over the exams and hasn’t been sleeping very much or eating very much lately. You’ve seen him in the common room; his nose is always in one of his textbooks. It’s not healthy for him.”
Lily shook her head, obviously confused. “I don’t understand. He’s smart; he doesn’t need to do all that.”
James nodded, a sad smile on his lips. “He is smart and, under any other circumstances, you would be right.”
“What are you talking about?”
James took a deep breath; this wasn’t something he should be telling Lily. Remus was the one who was going to have to explain everything, but James could set it up for him. “It doesn’t matter how smart he is, or how good of a person he is. You probably think he has a good future ahead of himself, don’t you?” Lily did not hesitate to nod and James felt a twinge of pride in the girl. She would never refuse to believe in her friends. “Well… that’s not true.”
Lily looked highly affronted. Her cheeks were red with building anger and her eyes became narrow slits as she glared at James. “How can you say that about one of your best friends?” she snapped.
“I’m not saying that it’s fair,” James hastened to add. The last thing he needed was for Lily Evans to think he had no faith in his friend. “Any hope of that bright future everyone thinks he has was destroyed when he was just a kid, before he had any chance of making himself into anything.”
The red slowly left from Lily’s face and she spoke calmly this time. “This has to do with that sickness he has, doesn’t it?”
James had forgotten Lily knew as much that Remus was sick. Remus said she hadn’t brought it up in ages and had actually started asking him about his mum again, as if she was the sick one. “Yes, it does,” he confirmed. “Anyone he would want to work for would have to know about it if they’re a witch or wizard and chances are they won’t want him working for him. If it’s a Muggle, they’ll fire him once he misses a lot of his workdays because he isn’t feeling well. People don’t understand it and it’s not fair.”
Lily looked down at the still form of Remus, who, if possible, looked even paler than before. Why was it taking Professor Hayes so long to get the nurse? What James was telling her sickened her. She hated that her friend was doing this to himself because he had no chance of making a good life for himself because of something he had no control over. Couldn’t someone just look past that fact and see who he really was? “So what does he think all this studying will do? It doesn’t appear to be doing much, it’s just hurting him.”
“I think Remus knows that too, but he won’t admit it. He’s stubborn when it comes to things like this. He thinks that maybe if he proves he isn’t worthless, if he gets the top grades over everyone else, then he’ll have some chance to make it. He’s scared of life after Hogwarts because he knows he’ll end up depending on his parents or on me, Sirius or Peter and he hates that. He thinks he’s taken too much from us already.”
“How do you know all this?”
“He’s my friend. I make it my business to know these things.” James turned to squint down the corridor to see if the professor and nurse had returned. There was no one in sight yet. “What he doesn’t know is that Sirius, Peter and I are happy to help him when he needs it.”
“But-” Lily was cut off by a faint moan issuing from Remus’s mouth. Remus brought a hand up to his forehead as his dazed eyes slowly opened. When he spotted James and Lily sitting by him, he instantly tried sitting up straighter, but James prevented him from doing so.
“Good morning, sunshine,” James said pleasantly, as if it was every day Remus fell asleep in a corridor. “Have a good nap?”
“W-what happened?” Remus asked confusedly, scrunching his eyes together for a moment before opening them again.
“Your lack of necessary habits such as sleeping, eating, and having fun with your friends has caught up with you.”
“Oh.”
“Professor Hayes has gone to get Madam Pomfrey.”
A grimace passed over Remus. As if fainting wasn’t bad enough, now he had to face the wrath of Madam Pomfrey. “Great.”
James carried on his matter-of-fact voice. “She’ll be out for your blood and lecture you for an hour and a half at the least.”
“Wonderful.”
“Before she comes, can you promise me something?”
“What?”
James was utterly serious now. “Give yourself a break, don’t work so hard.”
“James-”
“Do you want to end up in this position again?”
“No.”
“Then just listen to me, please.”
The sound of footsteps distracted the three and they saw that Professor Hayes and Madam Pomfrey were approaching them. The nurse did indeed look furious, probably because Remus had not gone to her the moment he felt ill. James helped Remus to his feet and stepped away as Madam Pomfrey swooped in, immediately leading him away to the Hospital Wing. “Feel better, mate,” James called.
“Here’s a note for Professor McGonagall, explaining why you’re late,” Professor Hayes said, handing James the parchment. James and Lily thanked the professor and headed to the Transfiguration classroom.
“He’ll be okay, won’t he?” Lily asked nervously, glancing over her shoulder at the retreating backs of the nurse and Remus.
“He’ll be fine,” James assured her.
Lily sighed in relief. She bit down on her lip, as if she was struggling to decide whether she should tell him what was on her mind. “I… I got the letter you sent me. I don’t think I ever told you I did.”
James’s eyes lit in surprise. “Did you?”
“Yes and it was very sweet.”
“It was one line long, if you don’t count everything I crossed out. I just wanted to tell you I was sorry. It was nothing, really.”
“Yes, but it was still nice.” Lily was silent for a moment, studying James out of the corner of her eye. “You know, maybe I’ve been wrong about you.”
It was with great effort that Remus finally convinced Madam Pomfrey to let him out of the Hospital Wing. When they arrived at the infirmary earlier, the nurse had demanded that he go sit on one of the beds, where she forced him to drink a Dreamless Sleep Potion so he could catch up a little on his sleep. Then the nurse had him eat a meal so large he thought he’d be violently sick. He had half a mind to hide the food somewhere when he was full, but the nurse didn’t leave him alone long enough to do that. She was insisting that he spend the night just so she could make sure he wasn’t going to pass out again, but Remus wouldn’t have that. He had important things to do.
Luckily, he promised that he would come to her the moment he was feeling ill the next day. He would even miss class if it was necessary.
Now he found himself walking towards the Great Hall. He wasn’t hungry “ how could he be after that monstrosity Madam Pomfrey had him consume? - but he knew dinner was going on and he needed to talk to someone. It couldn’t wait another minute. There were very few people he knew he could trust completely and he was not being fair to one of them by keeping this a secret from her. He knew he could trust Lily. He knew she would never betray a secret of her friend’s if she was asked not to. He didn’t know why he had decided to tell her now, probably because she had seen him collapse right before a full moon. He had heard part of the conversation she’d had with James. James had done everything to set this up for him, to give him an opening to tell Lily.
Lily was a good person. She would never betray him if he told her he was a werewolf.
He could see the redhead leaving the Great Hall by herself. Perfect. It would be so much easier to get her to talk with him if she was by herself. He wouldn’t have the added obstacle of shaking off Alice or Frank. “Lily!” he called.
Lily stopped and turned on the spot, trying to find her caller. When she spotted Remus, she gave him a small smile and met him by the staircase, where he was standing. “Are you feeling better?” she asked anxiously, her eyes searching him, looking for any signs of his illness.
“Yeah, loads better,” he told her, nodding sincerely. “Err… can I talk to you for a bit, privately?”
There was a knowing look in Lily’s eyes that told Remus she had an idea of what he wanted. “Sure, let’s go outside.”
Lily led the way out onto the sunny grounds and down toward the beech tree by the lake, the tree she knew Remus and his friends enjoyed sitting under when the weather permitted. The two sat down and Lily waited patiently for Remus to begin. If this was what she was suspecting, it would be hard for him to come out and say it.
Remus opened and closed his mouth several times before exhaling slowly and staring Lily straight in the eye. “First off… please don’t think any differently of me when I’m done,” he asked her, his voice almost pleading. He had been so lucky with his friends since he started Hogwarts, the ones who knew his secret hadn’t abandoned him. He didn’t want Lily to be the first. He didn’t know if he could handle losing a good friend like her.
The corners of Lily’s mouth turned down, but she was genuine when she said, “Of course, Remus.”
“I… I told you a long time ago that I get sick a lot… When I was three… I loved dogs; you need to understand that first. That’s what got me out of my house one night fourteen years ago. I heard something scratching against the house and I thought it was a dog. But it wasn’t. By the time I found out what it really was… it was too late, there was nothing the Healers could do to help me. They keep trying to come up with cures, but none of them have ever worked. They only make it worse. I… I’m a werewolf, Lily.”
He kept his gaze focused on the grass. If Lily was repulsed by this information, by what he was, he didn’t want to see it. He had gone for seven years without telling her, seven years keeping this vital part of his life from her. He knew she must have had suspicions about him. He didn’t know if they screamed werewolf, but he knew she didn’t entirely believe the stories he gave her about his illness. He hoped she would find it in herself to understand why he didn’t tell her and to forgive him for it.
“It’s okay,” Lily said gently. “You don’t have to be afraid of looking at me.” Remus slowly lifted his eyes and saw that Lily’s were swimming with tears. Wonderful, he had just made a girl still grieving for her parents cry. “I… I always suspected it was something like this. When James said people wouldn’t understand, wouldn’t care who you were. Severus… I never believed him when he said you were one. I didn’t want to believe him.”
“Werewolves are disgusting,” Remus muttered bitterly.
“Don’t ever say that,” Lily said sharply, wiping her eyes clean and staring Remus in the eye. She would never allow her friend to say that about himself. “Not all werewolves are disgusting. You aren’t disgusting. I could never say anything like that about you and I don’t want you saying it about yourself. You’re not disgusting! You’re a good person, you don’t deserve what happened to you, but you fight it. Don’t ever speak so lowly of yourself!”
Remus couldn’t help but smile as Lily yelled at him. The fact that she was saying all of this to him meant that she wasn’t repulsed by him, that she accepted him. Maybe it meant that she still wanted to be his friend.
“What are you smiling at?” Lily asked suddenly.
Remus chuckled lightly. “You’re yelling at me.”
“Well I’m certainly not allowing one of my friends to say that he’s disgusting! I need to get this through your head!”
“You’re one of the few.”
Lily sighed and gave Remus a sad smile. “I know there are people who didn’t make this easy for you. I won’t be one of them. I still want to be your friend.”
“Thank you, Lily.”
“I promise I’ll never tell anyone. But I guess James, Sirius and Peter know?”
“They’ve known since second year.”
“Good. It would have been horrible if you went through almost all of school and no one knew.” Lily stood up. “I need to get inside, talk to James about sorting out those two fifth year Slytherin Prefects.”
“Jenkins and Parkinson?”
“Yes, they’re absolutely horrible. James knows what to do with absolutely horrible people.”
“Do my ears deceive me?” Remus said, shocked, standing up as well. “Is Lily Evans trying to use James Potter to get back at people she doesn’t like?”
“No,” Lily said defensively. “I’m just going to ask James to talk to them.”
“And intimidate them.”
“If he feels like it, who am I to say no?”
Remus was happy to see that some of Lily’s old self was coming back. He knew she needed time to cope with her parents’ deaths and it seemed she was doing so, but she was coming back to herself. The Lily everyone knew was breaking through again. “I haven’t asked you yet, are you feeling better?”
Lily knew at once what Remus was talking about. “Not completely, but I’m getting there.”
“Good, everyone’s missed the old Lily.”
Lily smiled and pulled Remus into a quick hug. “You’re a good friend.”
“So are you.” Remus stepped back and began leading the way to the castle. “Now, let’s go inside, I want to see what James says when you ask him to deal with those two.”
Lily rolled her eyes, but couldn’t keep the grin off her face. She hurried to fall into step with Remus and headed to Gryffindor Tower.