No Turning Back
“How are we supposed to know we can trust him? He was a Death Eater, Professor Dumbledore!”
“I understand your concern, Mr. Black, but I must ask you to trust me.”
Sirius wasn’t the only one having a difficult time in trusting the leader of the Order of the Phoenix at the moment. The very fact that he had brought a confirmed Death Eater into their midst was enough to prove that. Dumbledore had explained. Snape was no longer willing to be a Death Eater, something had changed. The Order wasn’t so willing to buy that. Severus Snape had been there during some of the fights. He had been there when the Death Eaters had snatched Warren Yearly. He was at the campsite when the Order infiltrated. How easy was it for a phoenix to change the colour of his feathers? Not that easy.
“He’s worked for the other side,” James put in hotly, not bothering to hide his disgust towards the man. “He could be a spy for them.”
“Glad to see your thinking hasn’t changed a bit, Potter,” Snape spat, glaring daggers at the man. He didn’t have to be here, he didn’t need their help to protect himself. He could hide out on his own, but Dumbledore had had another plan. It was a miracle Severus had decided to go along with it, but he would not allow any danger to befall Lily. Unfortunately, that meant keeping her husband and child safe, something of which Snape had no interest vested in.
“I’m not going to pretend that I’m eager to have you work with us, Snape.” This man had been nothing but a horrible person in all the years James had known him. He was one of the few James did not miss when he graduated Hogwarts. He would be damned if he was supposed to trust this piece of slime now, especially considering who his allegiance once lay with. Snape had turned his back on Lily, who had been his best friend when they were in school. James wouldn’t be surprised if he turned his back on the entire Order the first chance he got.
What was Dumbledore thinking?
“I won’t pretend either,” Snape said coolly. At least the matter was settled there.
James glanced at Lily, who was steadily looking at the wall across from her. He hated to think of what was going through her mind right then. Snape had been her best friend and he had turned his back on her in the worst way. He had called her a Mudblood in front of the whole school and she hadn’t spoken to him since. Now he was back in her life. Maybe he would grovel for her forgiveness. James would love to witness that. He listened to the murmurs of the Order members around him. He could tell what they were thinking “ here was this man who had been part of the group that had killed so many of their friends and he wanted out.
How could they trust him?
“Is Voldemort going to be so eager to let one of his Death Eaters go?” Remus asked seriously. He couldn’t see Voldemort so willingly let one of his own go without so much as a backwards glance. Voldemort would see to it that there was some form of retribution.
“It’s good to see you’re still so narrow-minded, Lupin,” Snape snarled, causing several angry cries from the Order. First he comes into their midst and then insults one of their own. Who exactly did he think he was?
“We have already solved that issue, Remus,” Dumbledore calmly told him. “Severus will not be leaving the Death Eaters.”
“Dumbledore?” Elphias said uncertainly. He was now positive that his friend was losing his mind. Why on earth would he allow this man into their ranks if he was not going to abandon the Death Eaters, the very people they were fighting against? Did Dumbledore have a death wish they did not know about?
“He will be a spy,” Dumbledore explained, sensing the confusion throughout the room. He looked at every single person as he spoke, trying to convey that he was to be trusted. “He has volunteered to spy for us. He will give us information he sees vital information about the Death Eaters working.”
“And you believe this, Professor?” Sirius asked, just the faintest sound of a challenge in his voice. One bark from Moody was enough to force Sirius to change his attitude. Even if his tone was slightly more polite, Sirius still couldn’t bring himself to believe Severus Snape was willing to change. He had been up to his eyeballs in the Dark Arts ever since they met him, probably since before they met him. It was disgusting and it was who he was. Sirius didn’t believe he could change so quickly and he couldn’t understand why Dumbledore was so willing to believe it.
“Severus has realised that what he has done is wrong.”
James had to bite his tongue to keep the derisive laugh from coming out. As much as he respected Dumbledore, he couldn’t help but want to laugh at that. Of course what Snape had done was wrong! It was worse than wrong, it was inhuman. He had joined people who killed others for fun and now he wanted to pretend he was sorry?
“I am not asking you to openly trust him,” Dumbledore went on, still looking at each person assembled in the room, particularly those who had gone to school with the man. He knew there were deep hatreds that could not be so easily erased. “I ask you to trust my judgement. Severus is doing this at a great risk to his personal being. The things he has done in the past will not be excused and he accepts this. I only ask that you trust me. He will do what I ask and he will help us fight Voldemort.”
Peter wasn’t sure he should be doing this. His friends must have been getting suspicious by now. He was never around anymore. They must have been wondering where he was. Then again, they may not even care where he was. He wasn’t Lily who was about to burst with child. He wasn’t Remus who turned into a furry beast once a month and became weak and ill as a result. He wasn’t brave and valiant Sirius or courageous and loving James. He was just Peter and he was tired of it. He wanted to make his mark.
The man he had met at the Dueling Dragons promised he could help him do that. All Peter had to do was meet him at the pub today.
Peter pulled the hood of his cloak up as he turned into Knockturn Alley. If the man, who had identified himself as Dolovsky, was correct, Peter would finally be able to make his mark on the world. He had been speaking with the man periodically. He was just grateful Remus didn’t question him when he left the shop early, forcing him to close up. Peter honestly didn’t care enough to give him an answer and Remus clearly didn’t care enough to ask. Dolovsky was very interesting, it turned out. He had seen a lot in his life.
He was a man who knew what it was like to not be appreciated, something Peter greatly empathized with.
Peter spotted the man at his usual table in the corner of the pub. Dolovsky nodded towards Peter and instantly stood from his seat, crossing the room to meet him. “We won’t be staying here today,” he said, a faint hint of urgency in his voice.
Peter raised his eyebrows, surprised by the forcefulness with which the man spoke, but he made no mention of it. “Okay… Where are we going, then?”
Dolovsky said nothing; he simply beckoned Peter to follow him out of the pub. Peter followed in silence, his mind wheeling. Where were they going? Why couldn’t they discuss what Dolovsky wanted to tell him in the pub? It had been where they had been meeting for weeks now. Peter had grown comfortable with the place. He wasn’t sure about the other places in Knockturn Alley. What was wrong with the Dueling Dragon? Unless what Dolovsky had to say was too private. This only increased Peter’s interest. This would be his chance to prove he wasn’t just the follower, that he could break away from the people he had once called his best friends. He just wanted to know what he had to do to prove this.
He watched the path they were taking carefully so he would be able to repeat it if he had to. He also noted how Dolovsky moved very swiftly, very purposefully. He didn’t make eye contact or even acknowledge anyone else on the street. He didn’t want to be caught. Where were they going that the man didn’t want to be caught going to? For a moment, Peter considered backing out. Yet he didn’t. He didn’t want to be more of a coward than he already was. He was going to go through with this, with whatever it was.
Dolovsky led him down another side alley. The alley was dark and there was the consistent drip of water in the distance, echoing mysteriously through the otherwise silent alley. Their footsteps seemed oddly loud against the cobblestones, but Dolovsky did not seem to be worried about this. Peter wasn’t sure if he should be set at ease by this. He supposed he should trust the man; he had been a wealth of advice for Peter for the past weeks. Peter wasn’t sure he would be nearly as confident about himself as he was now without the help of this man.
He had been more helpful than James, Sirius or Remus had ever been. This man was actually helping him become someone.
There was a stone door at the end of the alley. Peter would have missed it if it hadn’t been for Dolovsky purposefully stepping up to it and waving his wand in several complicated movements. Then there was a deafening grating sound as the stone door scraped against the walls as it opened. Peter was astonished that no one came to investigate the noise. He supposed people were far too used to this now to worry. It was Knockturn Alley, after all. There was always something strange going on.
The first thing Peter heard when he entered the room was talking coming from up ahead. It was indiscernible at that moment; he couldn’t detect any words he understood. Though he did know there were many people speaking at once. The room was lit by several candles, giving it an eerie glow. “Dolohov?” someone barked. Peter couldn’t deny that he was surprised that it was a female. And who was Dolohov?
“Ah, Bellatrix, so lovely to see you.”
Peter’s head whipped around when he realised it was Dolovsky this Bellatrix woman was speaking to. Bellatrix… didn’t Sirius have a cousin named Bellatrix who was always up to her ears in Dark Arts? At least, that was how Sirius made it sound. Bellatrix Lestrange, he was sure that was what her name was. What was she doing here, wherever they were?
“Ah, you’ve brought him with you.” Bellatrix came into view. Peter had never seen her before, had only heard about her. She was very pretty; he had to admit, with her long dark hair and dark eyes. But there was something sinister about her. There was a certain amount of evil behind her eyes that frightened Peter a bit. What was this place? What had he gotten himself into? “Pettigrew.” She had fully turned her attention to Peter. “I believe you know my cousin, the reject my aunt and uncle named Sirius?”
Peter nodded. The hatred certainly ran deep in the Black family. He imagined Sirius would say something just as hateful about her.
Bellatrix laughed cruelly. “What would he say if he saw someone he called his friend here?”
“Where are we?” Peter finally managed, pleased that his voice did not come out as a squeak. That would be the last thing he needed.
“Quiet! The Dark Lord is coming.”
The Dark Lord? Oh no, what had he done? Only the Death Eaters referred to Voldemort as the Dark Lord. This wasn’t good. They knew he was part of the Order of the Phoenix. Had this Dolohov man, who had pretended to be his companion for so long, fooled him? He was going to be killed. He knew it. Peter was going to be killed! His mother, what would happen to her? She wouldn’t be able to take it. First her husband and then her son? Both murdered by the hands of Dark witches and wizards. She wouldn’t be able to handle it. It would kill her if the Death Eaters killed him.
But why would they kill him? He was hardly the strongest member of the Order of the Phoenix. That role belonged to Dumbledore or Moody. Not him. Certainly not him. Peter was weak and they must have known this. They would just want to kill him, turn him into an example. Peter Pettigrew would just be an example to the rest of the Order. It would show them what happened if they continued to defy Voldemort. He was going to die here, all because of his own stupidity.
Peter had never seen Voldemort before and he was not prepared for what he saw. Voldemort was barely a man with his milk white skin and his red, slit eyes. The Death Eaters milling about the room had come into a formation around Voldemort. Peter noticed instantly how rigid and structured this was, unlike the Order meetings where they just sat around and spoke freely. This was more like an army. Clearly this side knew how to fight better than the other. But that didn’t matter, did it? They were going to kill him.
Peter doubted he could run fast enough to escape.
“As you can see, we have a visitor.” Voldemort’s voice was icy and cruel. Peter wondered how James and Lily had faced the man and listened to that voice without wanting to be sick. Of course, they must have wanted to be sick. He was out for their blood, after all. “Peter Pettigrew. As several of you know, Peter is a member of the resistance.” There was a rush of angry whispers amongst the group. The Death Eaters loathed the resistance almost as much as they loathed Mudbloods. Voldemort simply held up a hand and the murmuring stopped at once. “Yet there is something different about Peter.”
Peter waited for someone to dare to ask what was different about him, as he was rather curious himself, but no one did. Clearly they did not speak unless they were spoken to. Peter could feel his heart hammering painfully against his chest. If they were going to kill him, he wanted them to get it over with. He couldn’t stand waiting for it.
“Peter is unhappy,” Voldemort continued, turning and addressing the assembly at large. He sounded as though he was relishing this moment and Peter was sure that he was. He was waiting to move in for the kill. There was a rush of murmurs amongst the Death Eaters and Peter was curious to know whether they were positive or negative. It certainly appeared as if he was encroaching upon their territory. He wouldn’t have been so welcoming if he was in their position. “He believes there are greater things worth fighting for than the resistance’s cause. I admire this.”
Peter’s eyes could have very well popped out of his head. Voldemort admired something about him? Where was this going? Why would Voldemort admire something about him? There was nothing admirable about him at all. He was part of the Order of the Phoenix, the resistance. The very people who were trying to stop the Death Eaters from getting what they wanted! What was going on?
“In fact, I think we have something to offer him. I believe Peter realises there is a higher cause worth fighting for. He understands that the resistance’s cause is futile. He understands they cannot win and, I am sure, would much prefer to be on the victorious side.”
Peter’s eyes widened. He knew where this was going and now he wasn’t so sure he should have ever opened his mouth at the Dueling Dragons. No, he wanted out of this completely, he didn’t want to change sides. He wanted to stay out of the danger. These people… they’d done terrible, terrible things. Would Peter be expected to do them as well? Would he be expected to torture and kill people? He tried desperately to keep the panic out of his eyes. It would only make matters worse if Voldemort saw he was a chicken.
“Of course, I am sure he understands that now that he has been welcomed into our midst, there’s no turning back.” Voldemort was staring directly into Peter’s eyes and, no matter how much he wished to, he did not look away. It was true. Peter would not be able to back out now and, as insane as it sounded, he was intrigued very slightly. The Order only spoke of the terrible people the Death Eaters were, not of anything else. “But we can protect Peter in ways he could never imagine. Of course, there is a price.”
There was always a price. For Peter’s protection, they expected his loyalty.
“Is something wrong with your arm?”
Peter’s head snapped up and he saw Remus emerge from behind one of the shelves, carrying a rather large box. At Peter’s questioning look towards the box, Remus explained that this delivery had just come in. He had no idea what it was, as Peter had not told him anything about it. Remus heaved the box onto the counter and peeled back the tape. Inside were novelty broomsticks “ they were no longer than a quill and flew around with a simple tap of the wand. When Remus had come back to the front of the store, Peter had been rubbing his arm as if it was hurting him. “You didn’t hurt it, did you?”
Peter shook his head quickly. “No, no it’s just a bit itchy is all.” To make it look somewhat believable, Peter gently scratched his forearm.
Remus still looked doubtful, but he simply nodded and went on removing the new items from the box. “Where do you want these?”
“Over there is fine.” Peter nodded toward the empty shelves next to the silver owls. The store was in a bit of a lull today, which didn’t surprise Peter. June was a rather odd time of year. There were no major holidays coming up to buy presents for. Occasionally someone would come in looking to buy a birthday gift for someone; otherwise there were just browsers and the occasional customer.
“Are you okay?” Remus asked concernedly as he began transferring the broomsticks to the indicated shelf. Remus was worried about his friend. Peter had become so detached lately that it was very disconcerting. Remus had hoped his friend was just going through a slump, but that didn’t seem to be the case. He knew that Sirius had tried a few times to talk to the man, but it had no effect. James wanted to talk to him, but with Lily nearing her due date, he was far too preoccupied with setting up for the baby to do that.
“Yeah, I’m fine, why do you ask?” Peter asked quickly, with the faintest hint of an accusation in his voice. Why did Remus suddenly care if he was okay or not? It wasn’t as if he had cared before. Maybe he knew something had changed? Remus was perceptive when he wanted to be. Maybe he detected something was different.
That was the problem Peter faced now. He couldn’t risk his friends finding out what he was doing. The Dark Lord had been very strict about that. Absolutely no one could find out about where his allegiance now lay. Peter was going to have to change that. He had to stop being the moody bugger he had become. His friends weren’t stupid; they had noticed the change in him and he couldn’t risk them investigating. Merlin knew they were nosy enough to delve into his private business.
Privacy knew no bounds were they were concerned.
“I was just curious,” Remus said, raising an eyebrow at him. Since when had it become illegal to wonder about his friend’s well-being? Peter was just so strange lately and it was beginning to bother Remus.
“I’m fine, Remus, don’t worry.” This time Peter was sure he had inserted some kindness into his voice, to show Remus he was not going to bite his head off for asking a simple question. Remus seemed to relax upon hearing this and he then went on about a bloke who had come into the shop earlier, asking for the most bizarre items “ ranging from spinning kneazles to hiccupping chickens. When Remus assured him, for the thousandth time, they had nothing even resembling that, the man grew very upset and had to be forced out of the shop.
“Where was I when this was happening?” Peter asked, knowing he would have recalled such an occurrence.
“You’d gone to the post office to post an order.” Remus sneezed as a puff of dust came off the shelf. “Anyway, the man wasn’t very happy.”
“Hopefully he doesn’t come back,” Peter commented as he went to ring up a customer who had just approached the counter.
“Too bad we can’t charm the place to keep him out.” It would certainly be bad for business if the disgruntled customer continued to come back. Yet Remus was certain he had gotten his point across “ unless he wanted a wand to become part of his anatomy, he would only be permitted back if it was with a different attitude.
“Yeah, too bad we can’t,” Peter agreed, giving the woman her change and wishing her a good day before she left the shop. Peter checked is watch, the store would be closing soon and it was rather slow at the moment. “You know, Moony, why don’t you take the rest of the night off?”
Remus glanced up from his work, a surprised look on his face. This had never happened before, unless there was a full moon that night. This wasn’t the case. “I’m not due to leave until you are. I’ve still got to get this done.”
Peter shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. It’s slow right now; I doubt it’ll pick up. I’ll finish it for you.”
“Peter, I can finish it.”
“No, you’ve worked hard all week and you’ve been closing the place up for me a lot. I’ll do this for you. Go on home.”
Remus was surprised, admittedly so, but he was not displeased. He had been closing the place up a lot and he was happy to do it, but it was nice for Peter to offer to finish his work for him. Besides, Remus had promised his parents he would stop by. He could do it now. “Thanks mate.”
Peter nodded. This was going to be his plan, from now on. He was going to be kind to his friends. He wasn’t going to make it seem as if there was anything different. He had picked his side and he would just have to fool them. He wasn’t the coward they all thought he was. He wasn’t as stupid as he appeared. He knew what he was doing and it was only going to benefit him in the end. Peter Pettigrew was smarter than they knew.
Merlin how it would get them in the end.