Falling Apart
The moment Remus had gotten back with Dumbledore, the first thing he did was take a shower. He had never felt so disgusting in his life, especially when comparing himself to the otherwise clean home that had once belonged to his parents. It felt good to be in a pair of clean robes. When he was through with that, Dumbledore insisted he go to St. Mungo’s to be checked on by a Healer, who did have to realign some bones that had healed out of place. Once he was finished there, he had the rest of the day to himself and that meant one thing.
He was going to see his friends.
He didn’t care if he hadn’t spoken to them in months. He couldn’t risk it and, while they may not understand that, he still wished to see them, especially on this day. There was no one more he wanted to spend his Christmas with and it was obvious Dumbledore understood that. Remus first checked Sirius’s flat to make sure they weren’t there. He had a suspicion they would be at James’s place and so, when he saw they weren’t at Sirius’s, he set out at once for the Potters’. Dumbledore had told him where they were now living. There were no words good enough to describe just how he felt when he saw two of his best friends standing in the doorway. There were no words to describe how it felt to see James lower his wand and grin like a fool at the sight of his friend.
“Lily, really, I don’t think I can eat anymore,” Remus said as Lily insisted on putting a fourth helping of dinner on his plate. He really could have eaten a Hippogriff, but he felt as if he may explode if he ate anymore at the current moment.
“So what have you been up to?” James inquired as his wife set the bowl of potatoes down on the table and went to check on her son. As thrilled as he was to see Remus, he was undeniably interested in where he was for the past few months.
“Just work,” Remus replied quickly, taking a sip of water. He wasn’t really lying. He was working; just on a secret mission Dumbledore didn’t want him to discuss with anyone, not even his best friends.
“We haven’t heard from you since you left,” Sirius said with a certain amount of disbelief before stuffing a potato into his mouth. Swallowing with a bit of difficulty, he went on, “That’s really all you’ve been doing “ work?”
“Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t contact you. I said I would, I know, but… well, I’m just sorry I didn’t.” He shifted the food around on his plate and glanced up at his friends, who didn’t look entirely certain, but didn’t question him further. He honestly didn’t want to even think about the past few months. He wanted to enjoy the little time he had here before he had to go back into the wilderness. “How have you all been?” he asked, desperate to keep the topic as far away from himself as possible.
“Getting by,” James replied before spearing a piece of lamb on his fork. “Order work, regular work, and a baby that cries a lot doesn’t help.”
“You bear Harry’s crying quite well,” said Lily’s sarcastic voice from inside the kitchen. “You sleep while I calm him down.”
The men at the table chuckled as James fumbled with his words for a moment before muttering incoherently and settling on stuffing a piece of lamb into his mouth. “How long are you going to be here for?” he asked Remus.
The man shrugged, trying to hide his irritation that the conversation had been turned on him again. “I dunno. I may have to go back tomorrow or in a few days, maybe longer.” He personally hoped it would be longer. He did not want to go back into the woods. He was happy to help the Order in any way he could, that fact would never be disputed, but he missed his friends and he missed being in London. The longer he got to stay here, the better. He could even endure living in his parents’ old house for that time.
James and Sirius exchanged significant glances with each other. They were both thinking along the same lines “ what, in Merlin’s name, was Remus doing that required him to be so unpredictable and unavailable? Remus had never exactly been an open book, but he had offered up more information than he was now. Yet they also knew that, if they pressed him for more information, he would never give them any. So they said nothing and simply acted interested as the man asked Peter about how the shop was.
After dinner had concluded, they retreated to the living room, where Lily sat in a rocking chair with Harry in her arms. The baby babbled gleefully, as if he knew the happiness his parents felt at getting to spend Christmas with all of their friends. Peter was sitting on one end of the couch, leafing through a Healing book James had left there earlier. Sirius had taken the stuffed dog he had gotten for Harry and was admiring it, laughing at the incredulous look James was sending him. Remus had settled himself on the other end of the couch and had dozed off at some point.
“He looks bloody awful,” James commented concernedly once he was sure the man was fully sleeping and wouldn’t hear them. It wouldn’t surprise James if this was the first time in ages that the man had really slept. It would explain the horrific dark circles under his eyes.
Sirius nodded. “Guess wherever he is now isn’t working out for him.” Sirius honestly wished his friend would just realise he was happier living where he had been. Of course, Sirius couldn’t say for sure whether or not Remus was happier, but it certainly looked as though he had been. He had been healthier, at any rate.
Peter rolled his eyes behind Sirius’s back. Of course where Remus was now living wasn’t working out for him. He had been stupid to even think that he would be able to survive without any of their help. He wasn’t anything without their help. The only reason he had had a job and a place to live was because of Peter and Sirius. Sirius had done it out of friendship; Peter had done it out of pity for the man. It truly was pathetic to hear that he had been fired from his job at the bookstore. Peter could only imagine what the reaction would have been if Mr. Foster had known what his employee was. A trip to the nutter house for both of them, Peter suspected.
Peter honestly didn’t understand their concern. The man had brought whatever happened to him upon himself.
James stood up and crossed into the dining room to grab a biscuit off the tray. Chewing on one thoughtfully, he turned back to Sirius. “Talk to him, would you?” James knew that Sirius, more than any of them, would be able to convince Remus to come back home. Sirius nodded, though he wasn’t sure how much of an effect his words would have. When Harry began babbling in his direction, his arms outstretched for the toy Sirius held, the man grinned and gently placed the stuffed animal in the boy’s arms.
“I reckon it’s time I started teaching him how to say Sirius,” Sirius joked, looking up at Lily.
“I think your name might be a bit difficult for him, Padfoot,” Lily commented, grinning as her son cheerfully hugged the dog.
“Foo,” Harry managed, giggling when he saw the surprised look on his godfather’s face.
“Foo?” Peter said with raised eyebrows.
“Hey, it’s good enough for me. And Harry is the only one who may refer to me as that,” he added warningly to James and Peter.
“Right,” James said, chuckling. “Keep telling yourself that, Foo.” James laughed even harder at the affronted look on his best friend’s face. “You know you think the name is adorable.”
“Only because my godson says it.” There was no way he would let James called him that. No one except Harry could, though Sirius might have allowed Lily to use the name, just because she was Lily.
It wasn’t long before the night ended and they bid James, Lily and Harry goodnight. Peter went home at once, yet Sirius was making it a point to talk to Remus, who was also trying to get back to wherever it was he lived now. Sirius wasn’t letting him get away so easily. The man had been missing in action for months and he had just appeared with no word on what he had been doing.
“So, how’ve you been?” Sirius began, deciding to keep the questions basic before he really got into what he wanted to talk about. Besides, it was a natural question, considering what the man had gone through over the summer. First being attacked on his way home from work and then losing both of his parents.
“I’m okay,” Remus replied with an absentminded nod of the head. He wasn’t about to let Sirius know what was really on his mind. Dumbledore had sworn him to secrecy and, while he felt like the bloody enemy for being so secretive about it, he would not break his word with Dumbledore.
Sirius looked doubtful. “Are you sure? You know, it’s your first Christmas without your parents, that can’t be easy.” Sirius didn’t know the first thing about blood relatives, but he knew Remus loved his parents beyond all else and to spend his first Christmas without them had to be difficult for him.
“Yeah, I know.” It was hard. His parents loved the holidays and he couldn’t help but think about the times he had gone with his dad and grandfather to chop down a Christmas tree, or when he and his friend and his father along with Mr. Potter and Mr. Pettigrew had gone to chop down the tree, that stupid contest they’d had. Where had those times gone? All those men were gone now, one on his own terms and two not. As for the boys they had been back then, they were gone as well. They barely saw each other anymore. James was busy being a father, Sirius was busy with his Auror training, Peter practically lived in his shop and Remus was playing spy in the woods.
That group they had been in Hogwarts had long since disappeared. Reality had slapped them all in the face. Still, that didn’t mean he couldn’t value the time he had with his friends before Dumbledore sent him back into the wild.
“Have you been getting on well?” Sirius continued pressing, he would keep doing so until he got a satisfactory answer.
“As well as I can.”
Sirius gritted his teeth and stepped in the man’s path so he could not walk any further. “Merlin, Moony. We’ve been worried sick about you. You just came home one day and announced you were moving out and you were quitting your job! That’s not like you! Then you said you were going to contact us and you never did. What, in Merlin’s name, have you been doing these past few months?”
“Nothing you need to concern yourself about.” He said it a little nastier than he should have and he regretted it. Remus didn’t blame Sirius for being concerned. Merlin knew Remus would be the same way if he was in the man’s position, but he was in no position to talk about what was going on in his life at the moment.
“Is that so?” Sirius was looking at him with a cool glare. He rarely fought with Remus about anything and he didn’t like to see that a fight was where this was heading. This was supposed to be a happy time. It was bloody Christmas!
“Yes, it is.” Remus’s gaze was hard and determined to say nothing more on the subject. “Is there any more to your interrogation?”
Sirius’s tone was sharp. “No, there isn’t. Happy Christmas, Remus.” And, before anything else could be said, Sirius had disappeared into the dark night.
Only two days after Christmas, Dumbledore had appeared at Remus’s home to inform him that he would have to go back to the wilderness at the beginning of February. Voldemort had been slow in his act to move to the Dark creatures, but, according to Severus Snape, the man was getting ever closer to it. Remus needed to be there if that happened, so he would be able to inform the Order about this. Remus didn’t want it to happen, but there was a tiny part of him that thought if it did, he would be able to finally come home to stay.
So the Lupin home was vacant once again when its only occupant disappeared on his mission for the Order.
Peter was busy with his life as a double agent. Far too busy for his liking. He knew that he had to keep up the front for the Order and his friends. He had to keep pretending that he was completely on their side, that nothing had changed. The Dark Lord was expecting him to provide him with copious amounts of information and Peter was becoming increasingly edgy when there wasn’t what his Master would call a sufficient amount. If he didn’t continue to come up with information, he was sure the Dark Lord would begin to question Peter’s loyalties, something he couldn’t let happen.
Peter hoped it wouldn’t come to that. He knew where his loyalties lay, but he wasn’t sure if he would be able to convince the other Death Eaters.
Sirius continued to go to his Auror training, praying for the day when he would no longer be a trainee but, of course, that day was years away. It didn’t make him any less impatient. He had thrown himself into it, needing distractions from everything else that was weighing on his mind. James had informed him that he and Lily would be moving out of their house again, as they had seen him suspicious-looking figures not too far from their home. James decided it was best to get Lily and the baby out of there before anything could happen. Sirius didn’t understand it. How were the Death Eaters finding them?
“James, go check on Harry.”
It was well past midnight and Harry’s crying had just shattered the otherwise peaceful night. Both Lily and James were exhausted, but it was James’s turn to go check on him. James moaned incoherently and considered just letting Harry cry himself out before realising that was completely the wrong thing to do. Besides, he imagined Lily would continue asking until James was so fed up he would go do it.
He wasn’t sure which was worse “ Harry crying or Lily telling him to make Harry stop crying. Both were noisy in the middle of the night.
Groggily, the man crawled out of bed and padded across the cold wooden floor towards the cradle where his son had been resting. James carefully picked Harry up and cradled him in his arms, disappearing into the next room so as to not disturb Lily. James sat down in the rocking chair and gently rocked back and forth on it. “Listen, Harry, you’ve got to learn that crying is something that needs to be kept to daytime. Your mum’s on her last nerve.”
It was true. Lily was stressed out, constantly worrying about her family and her friends. She was lucky when she got any sleep as it meant a few hours where her mind wasn’t racing through this terrible war they were engulfed in. James looked down at the tiny replica of himself and couldn’t help but grin. Even months later it was completely surreal to him that he was a father. “You know, this won’t last forever.”
James wasn’t sure what he was talking about or why he was bothering to say this to his infant son, but he just kept going. “This whole war… it can’t possibly go on forever, can it? I mean, either way it has to end. We can’t keep living like this. It needs to end, doesn’t it?” Harry hiccupped and James chuckled. “I’ll take that as a yes.” James turned Harry so the baby’s stomach was resting against his chest and lightly patted him on the back. “Surely this will end by the time you’re old enough to go to Hogwarts.”
James nodded approvingly as a burp emitted from his son’s mouth. “You’re going to love it there. All of the secret passages, the Gryffindor common room because you will be a Gryffindor. Not to mention making the best friends of your life there.” Like the ones James had made, the best friends he didn’t see anymore. But Harry didn’t need to hear that. “You’ll love it there; it’ll be the time of your life. Just don’t blow anything up or else your mum will never forgive you or me because she’ll think I gave you the idea.” James would be proud of his son, and probably would have given him the idea, but Lily would most likely have a heart attack.
“You probably won’t remember this, but I’m sorry we’ve lived in so many places since you’ve been born.” Even if Harry was only a baby, James would never say out loud that Harry was the cause of it. It wasn’t his fault Voldemort was a maniac and wanted to kill an innocent baby. James would be damned if he allowed that to happen. “It’ll calm down soon; we’ll be able to have a normal life. Hopefully it’ll happen soon.”
One day his son would get to know a peaceful world. James had been lucky; he had been spoiled with a good life growing up. His parents would give him anything he wanted because he had been something they thought they would never have. Harry was a blessing in this terrible time they were living in. He was proof that there were still good things out there. Maybe people wouldn’t recommend having children at this time, but James wouldn’t have had it any other way. He loved his son and he was going to give him a good world to live in.
James shifted again in the chair and pressed his lips to the messy mass of black hair on his son’s head. “C’mon Harry, time for you to go back to sleep.”
Living the life of a double agent was difficult, but Peter felt that if he could do this, he could do anything. No one had a clue! Not a single person knew that he was no longer loyal to the Order of the Phoenix. No one knew that he had a Dark Mark burned onto his arm. He had even fooled Remus about it, claiming his arm was itching. The git had actually believed him. It was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. He was going to make it out of this mess. He couldn’t say the same for those he had once called his best friends, but he was going to make it out of this war. It was becoming increasingly obvious that Voldemort was going to triumph in the end.
The Order’s numbers had dwindled pathetically. So many of them had died, others were unable to fight and some had just disappeared altogether. It should just how brave they were, not even being around to fight for a cause they supposedly believed in. Peter wasn’t entirely sure what he believed in anymore, but he did not believe in fighting a battle he knew he could not win. The Order wasn’t going to win. No matter how hard they tried, no matter what they sacrificed, they were not going to win.
Peter didn’t care. He was being protected. All he had to do was provide enough information for Voldemort in order to keep that protection. Peter had initially thought it would be difficult, but it was proving to be remarkably easy. He had the information Voldemort wanted, after all. Peter had the Potters. Peter should have felt guilty. He really should have. James and Lily had never been anything but kind to him and Harry was an innocent baby, but, strangely, Peter felt no remorse whatsoever.
He had, however, resolved to keep their whereabouts unknown for now and, if someone were to question him, his answer would be that they would go into some form of hiding provided by Dumbledore and then who knew if they would ever be found? For now, James’s location would be a secret. Voldemort hadn’t been asking about it for a while and Peter supposed he may have been thinking the same. They couldn’t risk the Potters vanishing completely. How they would do that, Peter had no idea, but he never had any idea of what James Potter was going to do.
Peter had also been doing a job of keeping any suspicions away from himself. He had been keeping up the masquerade of being on their side, yet he had to make sure no one saw past the façade. To do this, Peter had been bringing up such innocent questions such as: What do you think is wrong with Remus? Not to mention he had also been remarking how odd it was that he would vanish for months and not even tell them where he was when he showed up again. The fact that no one seemed to know where he was wasn’t working in the man’s favour. Peter had been pushing this information into Sirius.
The way Peter saw it was “ Sirius was James’s best friend and brother, but Sirius knew Remus better than they all did. It came with living together for so long. It would hit Sirius the hardest if he thought Remus was betraying them all. Sirius would take it extraordinarily personally, considering how many people had already betrayed him in his life. First his own family and then one of his best friends? He wouldn’t be able to handle and then who knew what might do? Peter would dearly love to see the look on the man’s face when he came to that realisation.
This was what brought Peter to the man’s flat. He knew Sirius should be home from the Auror Academy by now and this was as good a time as any to talk to the man, put the ideas in his head that maybe their werewolf friend wasn’t to be trusted. He had to keep the blame far away from himself. Peter already had it all mapped out, it was just a matter of putting it into action. When Sirius let him in, Peter could see at once that Sirius was at his best for manipulating. He was tired, not too happy, this was perfect.
“How’s it going, Wormtail?” Sirius asked, leading the man through the entryway and into the kitchen, where Peter saw he was boiling some water. “Tea?” Sirius offered.
“Sure, thanks.” Peter took a seat at the table, thanking Sirius again when he passed over a mug. Peter took a sip of the scalding liquid, grimacing at the heat, before carefully broaching the reason he stopped by. “Have you heard from Remus lately?” Play it carefully. That was what he was doing. He just had to sound curious, innocently curious. He had to sound as if he was concerned for the man when, really, he was just trying to incriminate him.
Sirius shook his head and Peter was pleased to notice the shadow of annoyance appear in the man’s expression. “Haven’t spoken to him since Christmas.”
“That’s quite a long time, especially for you two.”
“Yeah, I know.” Sirius distractedly took a sip of his drink. “But Remus is a grown up, he knows how to take care of himself.”
“But you still worry.” It wasn’t a question. It didn’t have to be. Peter knew this for a fact. This was what would play to his advantage. Sirius definitely took Remus’s absence and lack of explanation about it personally. Merlin, this was too good to be true.
“Yeah, I do,” Sirius admitted. He was furious with his friend, but he still worried about him, especially around the full moons. James hadn’t mentioned anything about Remus appearing in St. Mungo’s, so that could only mean the transformations hadn’t been so terrible, unless he was going to another hospital or not getting any help at all.
“Do you ever wonder why he hasn’t told any of us where he is?”
Sirius raised an eyebrow at Peter. If truth be told, Sirius had wondered why. It was so unlike Remus. Initially, Sirius had just believed it had to do with him still coping with his parents’ deaths. Now, however, Sirius wasn’t so sure. It had been ages since Mr. and Mrs. Lupin died. While Remus might not entirely be over, he had to be past it a bit. “I do… Yeah, I do wonder. He’s been gone for months now and we don’t know where he is or what he’s doing.”
“Maybe he doesn’t want us to know,” Peter supposed thoughtfully, taking another sip of his tea. “I mean, we are his best friends and it’s strange that he wouldn’t tell us anything about what he’s doing. War changes people, doesn’t it?”
“Of course it does.”
“Maybe it’s changed Remus.” Peter drained the mug and offered Sirius the tiniest of grins. “Thanks for the tea. I need to get home. See you later, Padfoot.”
When Peter was gone, Sirius couldn’t help but mull over what he had said. There was truth to his words. War changed people in so many ways. In what way had it changed Remus?