Stupor
It has always gotten you long before you could see it. And when you finally do see it, it’s too late. Because then… well, then you’re too far in it to force yourself out. Kind of like some quicksand-like mud. You can’t get out once you realise you’re in the situation, because your shoes get sucked in and you’re left standing there.
Immobile.
***
I sit in Charms, working steadily through the long list of charms we learned in years of past. It’s only sixth year and yet we’re already studying for N.E.W.T.s. Figures.
Professor Flitwick is at his desk eyeing a stack of graded papers threatening to topple over. But with a simple flick of his wand, the papers zoom back to their owners, who catch them and read their assignment grades.
My own parchment flies over to me and I catch sight of the grade atop it.
“Dreadful.” A wave of nausea spreads over my body, emanating from my stomach to my fingertips to my hair and down to my toes… everywhere. I think back on the night I had finished this particular essay. Sirius had had a bit too much butterbeer and, well, let’s say he had been a tad more than simply friendly to me. It had been distracting, to say the least.
The bell rings, and it’s just in time, too. Before anyone can stop me, I race out of the room for the nearest boy’s bathroom, where I kneel in front of a toilet and retch.
***
My quill lies on the curled piece of parchment in front of me. Professor Binns stands at the front of the room, monotone words dribbling slowly out of his translucent mouth.
I lean back in my chair and close my eyes. I feel somewhat relieved to be in this sleepy room “ the full moon was but a few days ago and I feel a headache coming on.
Tap. Tap. Tap-tap…
My eyes pop open at the distraction “ a mistake, for my head suddenly feels as if it’s about to split. I see Sirius tapping his quill on his desk, eyes glazed over and obviously deep in thought.
Something between a sigh and a groan escapes my chapped lips. Sirius’ eyes dart over to me before he slowly turns his head to face me. His fathomless gray eyes ask for the reason of my groan.
I mouth, “headache,” wincing, every move and every sound threatening to make my headache worse.
Sirius’ eyes glisten and he understands. No more needs to be said.
He seems to survey me, eyes meeting my own, before he turns back to face the front of the room. Sirius drops the offending quill into his bag and all is silent.
And for no reason, no reason at all, I smile.
***
I lay my head on my arms and shut my eyes, the chilly desk cooling my warm forehead. I sigh with gratitude.
After what seems like hours, I pick my head up, rubbing my tired eyes, to check the time. But my eyes fall on something else.
Or rather, someone else.
Sirius is still sitting in front of me, still staring at our ghost of a professor. His black hair lies casually on his head, in such an elegance I’d never noticed before. My eyes trace along his well-built arms and down to his torso.
I stop, my eyes halfway down his back. ‘What are you doing?’ a voice in my head calls, bringing me back down to Earth and out of… wherever I was.
‘Were you just looking at Sirius?’ the same voice echoes in my mind.
‘What? No!’ I retort.
‘You were.’
I drop my head back down onto my arms.
‘See?’ the voice nudges.
‘So? Must it mean something?’ I answer.
The voice says nothing. It’s mocking me. I can feel it.
‘What’ll you do about Elaine? Don’t deny there’s nothing there.’
I sigh. Elaine and I have been going out for about a week now. She’s a rather pretty Ravenclaw “ one that had fancied me for a long while, as far as I know. I asked her to Hogsmeade last Saturday, and we’re to go this weekend.
‘I’m not going to “do” anything… So I was looking at him. Must it mean something? And “don’t deny there’s nothing” where? I do like Elaine!’
The voice seems to “tut” at me, but says nothing more.
“Remus!”
I jerk my head up (causing it to throb horribly) and peer around, blinking in the blinding light. I spot Sirius and James at my side.
I must look confused “ why else would Sirius be grinning like he is? That sloppy smile ”
James takes a whack at my aching head. “You coming, or not?”
I stare at the clock on the wall. Class had ended nearly two minutes ago.
“Oh, erm… What?” I ask, feeling quite stupid.
Sirius gives me an odd look before he pulls me up from my seat. I feel a tingling sensation where his warm hand meets my elbow, and suddenly, I feel very awkward “ on top of stupid.
Cynicism
That voice. It’s always nudged you out of a nonchalant mood. It’s that mood you like best. You don’t feel anything. No happiness. No pain. You’re just you. You want to stay like that forever. You don’t have a care; you don’t have a worry. Peace and quiet. Sometimes, it’s necessary.
But no. It always has to think of something. Must it be so pessimistic? Must you be so pessimistic?
***
Remus and James head up to the Common Room “ James wanted to drop off his bag or something and Remus went along.
I make my way down the stairs, not too quickly, but not too slowly either.
‘Why did Remus choose to go with James instead of with you?’ I hate this voice thing. Conscience.
Stupid.
I shake the thought out of my head.
‘Forget about Remus! He has a girlfriend, for crying in mud,’ it speaks again.
There we go. My anger’s coming back. There’s some familiar territory.
I ignore it. Hope it goes away.
It doesn’t.
‘He’s a bloke!’
Now that’s pushing it. ‘And you think I don’t know? Haven’t I gone over that for days, weeks, months?’
My internal battle is interrupted by female voices the floor below me.
“So, how are you and Remus?”
My lip curls in disgust.
Elaine.
Novelty
The feeling of rocks dropping into your stomach is not at all pleasant. The ever-dizzying feeling of your world spiraling away from you is simply weird. It’s like… you can feel the sense of the world leaving. You can feel your understanding of your world slipping from your outstretched fingers.
And you can’t do anything about it.
***
“Sirius!” I hiss in his ear, pulling him aside in the Common Room.
“Problem, James?” His eyes light up mischievously.
I feel like laughing. The bastard knows bloody well, but he’s not sorry. He’s damn proud.
I shake my head. “With Elaine? What th’bloody hell did you say to her?”
He shrugs, a grin forming on his face.
He’s proud.
***
Remus and Sirius roar in laughter.
They’d been, erm, attempting to mimic how I act around Lily. Let me take the moment to say I ignore their mirth.
Putting my arms behind my head, I look up at the canopy of my four-poster, my feet lying on my pillow.
“Prongs, Prongs! She’s” “ Sirius takes on a girly voice “ “pure!” The two burst into laughter from Sirius’ bed.
I can’t help but laugh. I chuck my pillow at Sirius’ head.
And it’s a clean hit, too.
“Why, you little berk!” The pillow comes sailing back over. I chuck it at Remus this time and Sirius brings his own feather-stuffed pillow into the fight.
Remus follows suit after getting a face full and a full-fledged pillow fight ensues right in our dormitory. By this time, the three of us are on the floor, where the pillows soon lay forgotten, and tumbling and wrestling take their place.
I’m hit in the jaw by Remus. Or Sirius. My own fist collides with someone’s elbow, and I feel my glasses fall to the ground in a stroke of someone’s stray arm.
I pull myself out of the fray just as Remus pins Sirius to the ground by his wrists. He shifts his weight and kneels on his opponent’s hands, pumping his arms in the air and laughing. Sirius lies underneath him, his legs flailing about, trying to kick him. Victory for Remus.
I smile in the excitement, watching from beside Sirius’ trunk.
He cheered too soon. Sirius lifts Remus’ knees up and tumbles over, this time pinning Remus to the ground and sitting on his stomach, one leg on either side. His face hovers over Remus’, as if mocking him. After a moment’s (awkward?) silence, we all laugh. I cheer for Sirius, my face red.
And then…
Sirius’ smile fades and he leans in. Lips meet red lips.
My own smile fades, mouth dropping in horror.
What?
Sirius pulls away and meets Remus’ eyes. He smiles.
Exposure by pheonixflame
Chapter Notes: Enjoy and, please, review! :D
Thanks, Brandi (the*evenstar) for beta'ing this! *hugs*