Something to Celebrate

 

"James?" Lily called, having just apparated into her home at Godric's Hollow.  No answer.

 

"James?" After calling his name a third time and receiving still no answer, Lily was satisfied that her husband was not home.

 

Good, she thought.  I can't deal with that right now.

 

On the way to the kitchen, Lily dropped her bag in the middle of the floor and draped her cloak over a chair.  She filled a kettle with water, set in on the stove, and prodded it with her wand until the shrill whistle told her that it was boiling.  Another wave of her wand lifted the kettle and turned it so that it filled her mug with steaming water, and a flick added a teabag, which spilled some of the hot water over the sides as it dropped into the cup.

 

Taking her much-needed cup of tea to the sitting room, Lily sank heavily into her favorite chair and took a deep breath, trying to expel the cold of the late-November day and clear the muddled thoughts in her head.  She drew a deep drink from her mug, but not even her favorite earl grey could still her restless mind.

 

How could I have been so stupid? she asked herself angrily.  After all, she had known the charm for years and years, ever since her third year at school when all the girls were taught.

 

But she had forgotten it.  It wasn't like her at all to lose her head in a critical situation, but she had.  And it wasn't just that she had forgotten the charm.  She had multiple bottles of the backup, day-after potion stowed away in the cupboard, but she had forgotten about those, too, until it was too late.

 

Sure enough, she had been living in ignorant bliss until this morning (funny that now, only 10 hours later, she looked back with nostalgia at the time when she had ONLY Voldemort to worry about) when something had clicked in her brain, some unexplained combination of memory and subconscious math, and she had sat bolt upright in bed.

 

"Lily, what is it?"  James had asked, barely moving from his curled position at her side.

 

"What?  Oh, nothing, James.  I've just remembered I've got to pop over to Headquarters for a bit.  Er, Emmeline wanted to talk to me about something.  So I'll just be going then, and I'll, er, see you tonight?  Ok?"

 

Barely waking, James had murmured his assent and Lily had dressed quickly, frantically, and apparated to St. Mungo's, where her fears had been confirmed.

 

Lily shook her head vigorously and, once again, tried to clear her mind.  I can handle this, she told herself.  It's not the end of the world.  Hell, it might even turn out to be a good thing.  I just need a plan.  There's no going back, so where do I go from here?

 

But still, her thoughts returned to "What were you thinking" and "That's what too much butterbeer gets you."

 

A small pop behind her caused her to jump, spilling tea down her front.

 

"Bollocks!  James, you scared me!" she said, drying her shirt with her wand.

 

"I'm sorry?" James said questioningly.  Coming forward, he kissed her on the cheek and smiled.  "I didn't realize that coming home was going to scare you so much.  I'll knock next time – alright? - even though this is my house as well".

 

He had intended it as a joke, but Lily was in no mood.

 

"Cute, James.  Make fun of me.  That'll make me feel better."

 

James looked at her in alarm.  She must have looked like she felt, because his face fell instantly.

 

"Yikes, Lily, I'm sorry.  Bad day today?  What happened?  Is there anything I can do?"

 

"Oh-ho-ho no, thank you.  You've done quite enough," Lily lashed at him.  "I'm going out for a bit," she decided suddenly.  "I have some things to do.  Don't wait up."

 

And with that, Lily swung her cloak around herself and marched out, slamming the door behind her.

 

********

 

"Mummy, help meeeee!" the little girl squeaked happily, her scarf streaking behind her as she ran.  The young, blonde woman looked up from her magazine and laughed.

 

"I'm sorry, Amy," she called.  "Looks like you'll have to fend for yourself on this one."

 

An attractive man who looked to be in his late twenties and could only be Amy's father, chased after her, holding out his arms and making repeated grabs for the little girl, each time letting her jacket slip through his fingers so that the chase could continue.

 

"Gotcha!" he said finally, making one last grab and scooping her up into his arms.

 

"Noooo," she cried, though she sounded absolutely delighted.  He tossed her up in the air and she squealed with excitement, giggling uncontrollably as he caught her again and spun her around.

 

Watching from a distance, Lily smiled.  How nice, she thought, for these people:  young, beautiful muggles who had no Voldemort to worry about, or at least not that they knew of.

 

As Lily looked on, the woman rose from her seat on the bench and ran to her family, kissing first her daughter and then her husband on the cheek.

 

"Let's get you home before you catch cold," she told the young girl.  The husband set the girl on her feet and, taking one hand from each of her parents, she led them away from the park.

 

Unbidden tears welled in Lily's eyes.  James would be a wonderful father, she had no doubt.  She would be honored to have his children.  And she loved him, she knew, more than she had ever thought possible.  But it wasn't the time, she thought fervently.  She was young, for one thing.  She and James were both barely twenty-two.  They had gotten married quite soon, and Lily had wanted to take things more slowly from there on.  And, of course, there was the war.  What kind of times were these to be introducing new children into the world?  It wasn't right.

 

Several hours later, Lily still hadn't reached any conclusions.  Her thoughts continued to circle, leaving her feeling quite hopeless.  Finally, around midnight, Lily realized that walking around by herself in the dark was not helping matters.  She had yelled at James and he was probably worried sick about her.  It wasn't fair to him.  After all, this mess wasn't his fault.  Well, it was, to an extent, but it was much more her fault than his.  She shook her head and swiped away the tears that had gathered under her eyes.  With a great effort, she forced her frazzled thoughts to her home and disapparated.

 

********

 

James was livid when Lily got home.  She had expected him to be relieved or worried or maybe even slightly irritated, but she had not anticipated anything close to the irate welcome she received when she got home.

 

"Would you care to tell me what the HELL you were thinking" James asked, jumping up abruptly from his chair.  "Going out all alone at night.  You KNOW how dangerous that is, Lily.  You'd better have a damn good explanation for running out just because you spilled tea on yourself!  PMS doesn't give you the right to treat me that way."

 

Instantly, Lily's guilt over the way she had treated James earlier disappeared, leaving her feeling defensive and angry again.

 

"Who are you, my father?" she asked.  "I'll go out if I want to go out.  I don't owe you anything!"  Lily took a step forward, glaring into James' eyes.  "You have no idea - none - what's going on with me, so don't give me that PMS nonsense."  Lily quieted, taking a deep breath to try and dispel her anger.  "We have to talk, James.  It's really important, but I don't want to have this conversation while we're both angry, and right now I can barely look at you, so I'm going to go upstairs for a little while.  Please don't follow me.  I'll be back down in a while."

 

The rage in James' eyes faded, but only slightly.

 

"Please, James," Lily said, "Don't yell at me anymore.  I know you were worried, but yelling at me isn't going to change that.  We'll talk in a little while."

 

He gave a nod that looked more like a convulsion of the neck and Lily turned toward the stairs.  She had only made it up two stairs when her husband's voice, small and strained, completely lacking the furious strength it held earlier, called to her.

 

"Are you having an affair, Lily?"

 

Caught entirely off-guard, Lily turned to look at James, and the residual anger she was feeling vanished instantly when she saw the look on his face.

 

The man standing across the room was not the James Potter she had known.  He refused to meet her eyes and looked instead at her feet.  His shoulders were slumped in defeat, and his mouth was open slightly in something like desperate terror.

 

A rush of emotions filled Lily, bringing tears to her eyes for what felt like the hundrenth time that day.  Without speaking, she walked back down the two stairs she had ascended and into the living room.

 

"James," she said, speaking in a voice that was barely above a whisper.  "How could you think that?"

 

"Emmeline came by today to borrow the Invisibilty Cloak," he said to her shoes.  "And she asked where you were.  I told her that I wasn't sure, that I hadn't seen her since you left to meet her, and she didn't have a clue what I was talking about.  And then this afternoon you were so... mad at me.  And I didn't know what I had done wrong, and then you just left again, with no explanation, and you come back saying that we need to talk and I -" James voice shook.  He was really pale, Lily noticed, and his hands were trembling as much as his voice was, "I don't think I can handle this, Lily, I really don't."

 

It was suddenly so clear to Lily.  Thinking back on her behavior, she didn't see how James could have reached any other conclusion.  And he had still been nice to her.  Her heart swelled.  When he had gotten home that afternoon, even after learning that she had lied about going to Headquarters that morning, he hadn't accused her.  He'd smiled, joked, kissed her on the cheek.  Even now, he didn't sound mad.  He'd sounded mad when he'd been worried; now he just sounded scared.

 

Lily burned with guilt, furious with herself for making her brave, confident husband look so scared and confused, but somehow she also felt a strange sense of pride at having chosen such a wonderful man who loved her so obviously.

 

"Oh, James," Lily said, walking forward and taking his hands in hers. "I am so, so sorry to have made you think that.   You absolutely deserve to be mad at me.  But listen to me," she pleaded, shrinking down and turning her head up at him, trying to force him to look her in the eye.  His eyes drifted immediately toward the ceiling, and Lily waited until they returned and landed finally on her face before she continued. "I love you.  I will always love you, and I will never betray you that way."

 

James stopped trembling, but he still looked incredibly afraid.

 

"Do you believe me?" Lily asked.  James looked at her critically for several minutes, biting his lower lip.  Lily waited, starting to worry herself.  What if he didn't believe her?  What if he did, but was so mad about how she'd treated him that it didn't matter anyway?

 

Finally, his expression cleared.

 

"I believe you, Lily," he said simply.  Relieved, Lily took another step forward and, removing her hands from his, circled her arms around him.  He stiffened for only a moment, then reciprocated her embrace.

 

Lily melted into him, breathing in his scent and freeing herself from the worry that had been plaguing her all day, content to simply be in his arms and know that she hadn't done irreparable damage.

 

"My god, James," she whispered.  "You can't even imagine how sorry I am."

 

"I'm sorry I accused you," he whispered back, "I trust you and all, but I just couldn't come up with another explanation." 

He didn't ask, but the question hung in his words anyway.  Lily took a deep breath, steeling herself.  Saying it aloud, she knew, would make it real.

 

"This morning," she said softly, "I was at St. Mungo's."

 

"Why?  What's wrong?" James voice became urgent instantly, and he stepped back, holding her at arm's length with his hands on her shoulders.  "Are you sick?"

 

"Not exactly," Lily looked up to meet his eyes.  She spoke her next sentence as steadily as she could.  "I'm pregnant."

 

"Pregnant?" James spluttered.  Lily almost laughed at the shock on his face.  "Pregnant?  You're sure?"  Lily nodded.  "Pregnant!  But that's...  that's..." he struggled.

 

"Inconvenient?" Lily suggested, watching him anxiously.

 

"Brilliant!" he exclaimed, his face splitting into a wide, boyish grin.  "Wonderful, terrific, brilliant!  I'm going to be a father! I can't wait to tell Sirius!  High five!" he said to her.

 

Utterly bewildered, Lily held up a hand and James slapped it with his own hand so enthusiastically that it made her palm sting.

 

"Pregnant!" he said again, "I love it!  I love you!"  he kissed her forcefully, wrapped his arms around her, and lifted her up, swinging her in circles.  Lily laughed aloud.  She couldn't help it.  James' reaction was so simple and beautiful, it assuaged some of her own doubts.  Maybe it was just that simple, she thought.  She was going to have a baby.  She and James were going to be parents, and she could be happy about it or not, but it wouldn't change, so why not just choose to be happy?

 

"God I love you," James said, finally calming down somewhat.  "How long?" he asked.

 

"Just a few weeks; I think it must have happened the night of the Order Halloween party.  We were a little tipsy, you know, and I forgot the charm."

 

"Wow," James said simply. "Wow."

 

"You don't think this might be a bad thing?" Lily asked tentatively "I mean, bringing a new person into the world in the state that we're in, with the war and all that?"

 

James' expression grew somewhat more serious, but he didn't stop smiling.  He kissed her again and looked deeply into her eyes.

 

"Lily, I know it's not the way we might have planned it, but since when have we been much for plans?  And as far as Voldemort goes, what is it that Dumbledore's always saying?  That love is our greatest weapon against him.  And I can't think of a bigger act of love than having a baby with you.  No, I don't think this could be a bad thing.  I think that if anything, we really need something to remind us of the joy of life right now.  I think everyone could use a reminder and something to celebrate.  Don't you?"

 

So it was that simple, Lily marvelled.  She had always loved James' idealism.  It made life seem so much easier.

 

"And who knows," James continued, "Our little boy might just be the one to finally finish Voldemort off."

 

Lily laughed.  "What makes you so sure it's going to be a boy?"

 

"It's a boy," he said, nodding vigorously, "I can feel it.  Hope he doesn't get my hair, though, poor kid.  And I hope he gets your eyes."

 

James kissed her again, and Lily smiled, finally feeling truly happy about being a mother.  She watched James run to the fireplace, throw in a handful of floo powder, and throw his head inside the flames, knowing that he was itching to tell Sirius.  She continued to watch him as, several minutes later, he pulled his head back out, and immediately dove in again, off to tell Remus this time, surely, or Dumbledore.

 

He was so proud.  Lily rested a hand on her stomach and imagined it growing full and round to accomodate the life there.  Perhaps they would get rid of Voldemort before he was born.  Perhaps not.  Either way, with James as his father, he was going to be one lucky child.