“What time is it Lucius?”
“It’s half past four, my lord.”
Voldemort let out an impatient sigh as he rounded upon his lowly servant.
“It must be July by now! When is book six starting? I’m bored!”
Voldemort eyed Malfoy carefully.
“It hasn’t started without me… has it Lucius?”
“No, no my lord, of course not, you’re a very important character -”
“I am the only important character, Lucius,” whispered the Dark Lord dangerously.
“Yes, my lord, of course you are -”
“And don’t you forget it.”
“I won’t my lord, please forgive my impertinence,” muttered Malfoy hastily.
Voldemort opened a nearby window and rested his elbow upon the windowsill, staring wistfully out at the summer sunshine.
“I always appear at the end of the book…” he muttered softly. “It should have been my turn by now.”
Malfoy stood up slowly and brushed the dust from his robes.
“I haven’t been called either my lord, perhaps the sixth book has not yet begun.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Lucius. Rowling said it would be out by now.”
Voldemort slumped back down in his chair and reached idly for a bag of marshmallows.
“My lord, don’t!”
Lucius leapt forward into the air and grabbed the bag away from his master, crouching in anticipation of the punishment he was about to receive. Surprisingly however, the Dark Lord did nothing.
“Perhaps your right, Lucius. Those mallows are deadly.”
“Indeed my lord,” Lucius breathed in relief, “I’ll just get rid of these, shall I?”
Malfoy tiptoed carefully towards the rubbish bin and emptied the contents of the bag into it.
“Now! Nothing more to worry about,” he said brightly.
“I wouldn’t be too sure about that.”
Both Voldemort and Malfoy turned in surprise at the sound of a new voice in the room. Severus Snape strolled inside the Dark Lord’s lair and sat opposite Voldemort, munching on a bag of marshmallows.
“That was some book, wasn’t it?”
Voldemort, ignoring the fact that his mouth began was watering at the sight of Snape’s marshmallows, stood from his chair and faced Severus angrily.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Book six. ‘Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince’. Amazing, wasn’t it? So much action. And the ending!”
Snape looked up from his marshmallows to see a terrifyingly angry Lord Voldemort breathing down his neck.
“Do you mean to tell me that book six has begun without me?”
“It’s finished! They even have a release date for the seventh book, July 21st. ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows’.”
Voldemort’s eyes flashed scarlet as he reached for his wand in anger. Snape closed the marshmallow bag as he looked up fearfully into the Dark Lord’s eyes, and Malfoy crouched once more in his corner.
“What… were you not in it?”
J.K Rowling, the world’s richest author, number one in every ‘Best People in the World Ever’ list, and the lead singer in the band ‘I Told You Harry Potter Was A Good Book’, sat with contentment in her magnificent castle in the Scottish highlands. Sure, it may be an hours journey to the nearest coffee shop, but what was that compared to blissful solitude… not to mention an army of secret House Elves begging to succumb to her every whim.
Yes, peace. It was so very, very peaceful.
Ms. Rowling moved her pen to the other side of her desk to see if it looked better that way.
It didn’t.
She was beginning to wonder how long it would take before the blissful silence drove her to the brink of insanity, when a loud rumbling sound from her fireplace told her today was going to be slightly more interesting.
As she turned around in her chair, observing the fire with vague curiosity, it suddenly turned a bright acid green, as Remus Lupin emerged from the flames. He was followed closely by Minerva McGonagall, Severus Snape, and Harry Potter himself, all yelling rather loudly at the unperturbed author.
“See!” Rowling exclaimed brightly. “Wasn’t it a great book? I knew you’d like it.”
All four of her characters turned towards her in frustration.
“A great book?” Lupin ran his hands through his greying hair in exasperation. “A great book?! Look Jo, I don’t know about this… I mean I appreciate the Tonks thing, I do… I did ask for a bit of spice after all… but… Dumbledore dead? He wasn’t too happy about that I can tell you.”
“Yeah, and I’m not too sure about it either,” muttered Snape. “I mean, am I good? Am I evil? Isn’t the fact that I killed Dumbledore really bad for my character’s development? I mean is it some kind of plot twist?” He looked around the room for somewhere to sit. “To be honest, I’m very confused,” he stated, as he slumped into a nearby armchair.
“That’s understandable,” smiled Rowling sweetly. “Don’t worry, it will all be explained.”
“Will you explain it now?” asked all four characters in unison.
Joanne Rowling stared at them for a brief second while contemplating this decision.
“… No.”
Harry’s shoulders sank, his hopes dashed. Or, perhaps it was the strain of standing so straight as he determined to let everyone around him know he was very grown up now.
“Well I for one demand to know what’s going on!” stated McGonagall. “Dumbledore is dead, we don’t have a hope without him, and Potter won’t tell me a thing!”
“Well I’m not supposed to,” shrugged Harry. “Anyway, I’m pretty upset about Dumbledore myself you know. And - oh yeah,” exclaimed Harry as he rounded upon Rowling, “Why in the name of Merlin were there no sweets in the entire book?! Are you trying to kill me?”
“Maybe,” muttered Jo wryly.
“And what the hell’s a Horcrux? It sounds like something for a horse!”
“The Dark Lord is fairly angry himself you know -” began Snape, just before the fireplace began to roar once more, and Lucius Malfoy entered the room followed by Voldemort himself.
“I must say, I think it was rather harsh that I wasn’t in the book at all, Jo,” began Lucius. “I mean, just because of last summer…”
“Forget you, Lucius, what about me?” Voldemort rounded on Rowling in anger. “I am the most important character, and I didn’t even make an appearance at the end? What, were you too busy to include the greatest character of all?”
“Tom -”
“No, Jo, forget it,” stated Voldemort in hurt. “You know what? I demand a new title “ the Prince of Darkness sounds fitting enough.”
“So, you’re… P.O.D., my lord?” asked Lucius.
“Haha “ Pod!” laughed Harry.
“No -”
“Poddy!”
“Shut it Potter, or I will make your imminent death more painful than you could possibly imagine,” snarled the Dark Lord. Turning towards Rowling herself he asked, “I can only assume I will have a much larger role in the next book?”
“Which will of course, be the seventh book, which will be the last,” sniffed Lucius sadly.
“What are you, the narrator?”
“Oh wow, that would be so cool!” exclaimed Malfoy, his eyes shining. “Can I be the narrator in the next book?”
Rowling stared from Malfoy’s bright face to Voldemort’s look of disguist, Snape’s confusion and Harry’s laughter, and decided she really did like peace and quiet after all.
“Book seven is finished, and nothing is changing, and that’s that!” said Rowling as she pushed them forcefully towards the fireplace. “Just wait patiently for your roles in the seventh book. That’s all I ask.”
As the fire swirled a bright green around the characters of the Potter world, they all looked at each other, agreeing solemnly on one thing:
“Fat chance of that.”