Sweet Sorrow
Wicked Circe.
There’ve been a lot going on so I never noticed. Even if I did, I never wondered about it. A lot of things could do this to a woman, upset our inner workings like a trunk thrown from a train: stress, nerves, anxiety, flurry. All these I’d had in very high doses lately.
James and I weren’t even married.
Oh, don’t cry, Lily. What could crying do? You’re being ridiculous.
Tea! Right. Here, sweet, sweet tea. Mmmm. And the porch. Let all the hounds of Voldemort Apparate right now for all I care.
You didn’t mean that, Lily.
Look”Ivan, the cutest thing, pulling her sister on the sled again. Irene couldn’t seem to get enough of it. Their matching brown fur jackets made them look like little giant squirrels. And there’s little Ellie, playing mason with the snow in her sandbox again.
Merlin, all her neighbors had babies! Why on earth did she choose to rent a house here? What if those insane Death Eaters traced her and decided to have some fun with her neighborhood?
I’ll have to move. Somewhere quiet and isolated with no danger of anyone waking up startled and sickened by my early morning retching.
Tea!
Don’t, don’t do it, Lily. But heck, everyone must think it: No child deserved to live in these times, when every moment their innocent little adventures could be cut short by the tip of some lunatic’s wand.
Oh, go on and cry, if James sees you”
Speak of the goblin; he could appear at the most inconvenient times, couldn’t he… He really had to correct that strut of his; he’d get murdered for it one of these days.
For heaven’s sake, stop being morbid, Lily.
“Hi Prongs.”
“Shh! The kids might hear you!”
Dirty-minded idiot.
“Care if I join you on your porch this lovely evening? I’ll refill this.”
Trust the Marauders to be experts in casting magic out in the open. His wand must be there inside his cuffs.
“You’re quiet, Evans.”
“What’s there to talk about, Potter?”
Merlin, he must stop smiling like that. But why are you intent on being surly anyway?
“What, indeed. What about Wormtail’s twitch? You know, its getting better. Especially when he looks at me. His chin sort of jerks to his neck and his cheeks jump like this; Padfoot and Moony had already checked if he was perhaps swallowing balled-up tobacco or Sour Mice, but it was a twitch alright.”
Merlin. That was delicious.
“Hey! My mouth isn’t a basket goal for crocheted lemon-scented serviette rings!”
“Look what you’ve done, you made me spill, you plonker.”
“You make me spill too, you know.”
Ugh. I could strangle him.
“That Ivan is a lively one, isn’t he? Doesn’t take after his flobberworm of a father, thank Merlin.”
Oh, don’t talk about kids.
“Let’s get inside, it’s getting too chill.”
“Are you staying for dinner?”
“Just dinner?”
“James.”
“Yeah, I know. ‘Do I have to say that?’ Ow! You’re violent today, Evans.”
“Keep being your charming self and it will be your eye I’ll poke next.”
“Let me cook dinner. I won’t have you poison me”Just kidding, Lily! My, aren’t you in a mood. You look tired. Go on; let me pleasure you”Ow! I mean serve you food! What would you like?”
“Just something not burned or too salty or too hot or undercooked.”
“Snappy! Should’ve gone to Padfoot instead.”
“Why don’t you?”
“Padfoot’s not pretty and sexy.”
“How very astute.”
“Yeah, isn’t it. Come here, Lily.”
“Mind the fish.”
“It will be just perfect, don’t worry.”
Merlin, I had no idea I longed for those words this much”but mustn’t wet his shirt when he had two fillets searing, breathe and stop being a drama queen, Lily.
♥♥♥
“You fried them in garlic?”
“What’s wrong? You’re the one who initiated me on that kind of coo”Lily! Merlin, what’s the matter?”
Vile, vile, vile! I wish this was over.
“Don’t cook with garlic again. Please open the windows; I can’t bear the smell.”
“What brought this on, are you ill?”
“I’m fine, James.”
“Let’s get you to bed and I’ll fix you some soup. What soup?”
“I don’t know, but I guess chicken is safe. It’s what I had this morning.”
Cerberus breath, shouldn’t have said that.
“Since when have you become a liquid breakfaster? You didn’t puke this morning, too, did you?”
“I did, yes.”
Please let him be really daft just this once.
“Oh, Lily.”
Why did I bother wishing anyway? “I know.”
“Hey, what on earth are you crying about? Come here.”
“James, don’t be stupid; who’d want to have a baby right now?”
“I would. Dammit, let it never be said that because of Voldemort I didn’t want my baby.”
How could I have been so stupid? “Oh, James.”
“Come on”bed. You need some cuddling, love.”
♥♥♥
“I’m just so worried.”
“Mothers are experts in that, I heard.”
“Don’t be facetious, James! I don’t even know how long I’ve been pregnant. It’s been crazy lately. And then after I realized what I’ve been neglecting to notice, all I could think about is that damn prophecy.”
“Oh, don’t. We’ll be mighty disappointed if you conceived last Christmas instead of in October!”
“James.”
“I never thought I’d see the day when prim and proper and tough Evans whines.”
“I don’t feel tough at all right now.”
“We’ll go to a Healer tomorrow””
“No, we can’t! What if he hears about this?”
“Madam Pomfrey then. Oh, she’ll have my head.”
“Yes, I do think.”
“Not if we invite her to the wedding right after popping in.”
“Oh have you already proposed to your girl?”
“I just did.”
“And she’s not saying ‘yes’. How uncouth could you get?”
“Sorry, madam, but I love you so much you disarm me even of my inherent charms”don’t roll your eyes, you asked for this. Please don’t think that this application is just a spur of the moment, or only triggered by a sense of obligation. But you know I nearly live here if you don’t kick me out every night. Shows how much I want to be with you. Will you marry me, Lily Evans, and let me cling to you forever, as fire to flame?”
Where on earth did that come from? I need air and a glass of water. “Overdone!” Yeah, right, Lily.
“Ungrateful, evasive wench.”
“Yes, I’ll marry you, you pompous heart of my heart.”
“Let’s see if you have a riposte for this.”
Oh. Sweet. Venus. Whoever said diamonds were overrated must have never been given one. Not by roguish men with beautiful, sparkling hazel eyes.
“You like taking me off-guard because that’s only when you win.”
“This belonged to my gran, Lily. She gave it to my mum for my future betrothed.”
“What a lucky, lucky girl.”
“I thought you’d be nice and clingy when I brought you up here.”
“I’m never nice and clingy, Potter.”
“Yeah, that’s why I love you, Evans.”
“Do I have to put it on myself?”
“Say you love me.”
“Give me my ring and I’ll show you, James.”
♥♥♥
It’s an impromptu wedding, how could he? Where had all those tulips come from? And why had the Headmaster’s office been transformed into a conservatory? Madam Pomfrey had even examined me resplendent in crimson dress robes so bright I keep thinking I’m bleeding all over her!
‘You may kiss the bride.’ As if James needed permission.
I hate how my happiness refused to assert itself. I hate the suspense. Even Peter’s ridiculous twitch couldn’t distract me. When will my child be born? When?
“Lily, it will be alright.”
“I hope so, Albus.”
Those twinkling eyes nearly had as much power as James’s hazel ones, amazing, really.
“Believe so.”
♥♥♥
“You are three months along, dear. Your confinement will be in July.”
James and Sirius and Remus looked ready to faint. It was comical. Dumbledore’s lips twitched. “You’ve been pregnant all that time and we had no idea! You could’ve”” James wisely drank his cider and didn’t continue. If he had, I would’ve chucked my broccoli at him. I had a current liking for throwing things.
I looked ready to”I don’t know. July. James and I and this baby now fit the prophecy as snugly as my silk gloves. There was this tiny, tinny voice in my heart that was pushing me to do some jig. But it was tiny. The voice shrill with worry was louder, more insistent.
“Don’t tell me I’m godfather, Prongs.”
“I’ll bloody shout it to you! YOU’RE GODFATHER, SIRIUS!”
“Nutter. Lily, pound this idiot for me, hmm? The bad kind.”
“Are you alright, Lily?”
Remus, ever the gentleman. “I’m fine.”
“No garlics, right?”
“No, James, it’s just”” Oh damn dilys, when had I ever learned to squeak?
“Lily, James, will you join me for a moment? I have a very old vintage bottle at the moment which I think will calm Lily. No harm yet, I trust, Poppy?”
“A quarter of a goblet only and diluted!”
♥♥♥
“Albus, I’m frightened.”
“Funny how fate works, doesn’t it? The ones I told about the prophecy turned out to have already conceived the subject of the prophecy.”
“You also told Alice and Frank.”
“And Alice is also expecting, James.”
Why aren’t you smiling about that, Lily? Aren’t you relieved?
“Oh, how ungracious of me, I nearly forgot my wedding gift for you.”
“Oh Albus, you don’t have to”what’s this?”
Albus twinkled at the key as if they had a secret together. “Oh, you know, you might want a vacation house. Lovely little cottage, in the edge of a moor.”
♥♥♥
“We’re living in Godric Gryffindor’s moor.”
“Dumbledore’s barmy, but a good kind of barmy.”
“James, I don’t want to stay here. I wish we wouldn’t have to stay here.”
“I know, Lily.”
“Stop smiling!”
“But this is a gorgeous little cottage, isn’t it, for something centuries old?”
Of course I noticed. The house was all stone and brick, but nothing was overbearing or hard about it. The doors and windows arched and the roof was thatched golden. The furniture inside were all gleaming wood, in rustic carvings and designs. The hearth looked like a real cave, where two logs easily burned with room to spare. Thick woven crimson rugs covered the floor entirely. But how could anyone be charmed by a cage? For I’d be caged here, me and my baby.
♥♥♥
“Are you still fretting, Lily?”
“How do you feel about this?”
“I’m thrilled!”
I stared at him. At the same time, the tiny, tinny voice rose a notch in volume and intensity.
“Why are you worried anyway? You think we’ll be killed? I think about that, too, but Lily, you married me; you certainly didn’t do it because you were thinking we’d never have time anymore, did you? You were even playing hard-to-get, if I remember.”
The tiny, tinny voice was positively near shrieking now. James was nice with his little speeches.
“You married me because you want to get old with me, didn’t you?”
Oh, Merlin, I should have packed some tissue.
“Lily, let your optimistic subconscious take control of your mind. It can’t be good for our little savior worrying like this.”
“Our little savior.” I savored that. And my child forgive me, I loved it and already begrudged Alice her own child’s claim at the honor.
“Yeah, Lily! Little Potter, the whipper of Voldemort’s ass!”
I hate it when I find such crudeness funny. But as James was laughing along with me, it felt as delicious as always. Baby, are you laughing, too, or are you shaking your head at your parents’ silliness and presumption?
“Oh, come here, Lily. I swear, you might have cried more these past few days than in the last twenty years of your life! You told me you were a cheerful baby. If you want little Potter to be one as well, you better take deep breaths now.”
“Trying to help me with labor already? You couldn’t be that excited!”
“I’m that excited. I’m so proud of our baby, Lily. We’ll be there for him, of course. And his godfather, too. And Dumbledore. I say, by the way the old codger was acting, our baby’s already his favorite.”
“Did you say ‘him’?”
“Merlin, Lily, I hope so! Can you imagine how harder it will be if our baby’s a girl”oh sorry, sorry! I didn’t mean to upset you, love. Calm down.”
You’re such a ninny, Lily! But I couldn’t help it.
“James, I-I’m so happy, and proud like you, but”but at the same time, I can’t bear this. No baby deserves such a harsh sentence. It is a sentence, you understand? A judgment on an innocent. Our baby hasn’t even begun to breathe but he was already given an enemy. He’s destined for greatness, but we know firsthand what he will go through before that.”
“Stop it, Lily. You’re also confusing me now whether to laugh or cry.”
“I know, James. I know. That’s exactly what I feel.”
Wretched beginning to a wedding night, this. I can’t wait for my baby to kick that Voldemort’s misanthropic ass.