“We can’t keep doing this.”
“Why not?”
He watched as tears began to form, clouding her beautiful brown eyes. He saw that she was doing everything in her power to keep them from falling.
“You know why we can’t, Hermione.”
She looked away from him. He hated himself for doing this to her, but he was getting in too deep; he was falling for her.
“But…” she spoke and he watched her hold back her tears with pain in his eyes. “But we’re friends. It’s not illegal for the two of us to be friends.”
“What kind of friendship is this Hermione? We have to meet in secret at night by the lake. And all you do is sit here and listen to me complain about my life.” He needed to end this before she pulled him in too far.
“That is what friends do Draco! You aren’t making any sense. And the only reason we meet in secret is because you want to! You asked me not to act friendly with you during school so I don’t. I just don’t see the problem.”
“The problem is that I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t keep doing this. I…”
He trailed off as he stared into her tear filled eyes.
“Why do you want me to continue meeting you here anyway?” he asked quietly.
He saw the confusion and embarrassment flash across her face as she broke eye contact and looked at the ground.
“Because I care about you Draco.” Came her answer; he almost missed it because she spoke so softly.
She looked back up at him, and his breath caught in his chest. He had to get out of this now. She reached to touch his hand but he backed away harshly.
“Draco,” he watched her hesitate. “…I love you.”
His head was spinning, she loved him. No one in his life had ever said those words to him and meant them. He saw that it had taken every ounce of her courage to tell him that, but it didn’t matter; he had no choice.
“No, you only think you do. The war is almost over, we will each go on with our lives, and you will forget me.”
“No, I -”
“Trust me,” he interrupted her. “That’s the way it’s supposed to be.”
She stared at him without blinking. He hoped he could leave it at that but she made it complicated.
“Can I ask you something then?”
He didn’t answer.
“Do you…do you feel anything…anything at all for me?”
“No.”
He turned and left her standing there. When he got to the oak front doors of the castle he stopped and looked back. He couldn’t see that she had lost the battle and now had tears streaming down her face. He could just barely make out the outline of her still standing there, in the dark. He opened the door, and went inside.
To see you standing in the dark, alone
Waiting there for me, to come back…
He had backed out too late. He was in love with her. She was all he could think about. When he walked by her in the hall, and saw the hurt look on her face, it was like someone had stabbed him in the heart with a knife and was slowly twisting it.
This was too complicated. He wanted to tell her that he had lied; that he loved her too, but he couldn’t. They couldn’t be together anyway. Once the dark lord found out that he had gone over to Dumbledore’s side, it would be too dangerous for him and he couldn’t have Hermione there and risk her getting hurt.
That’s what he told himself, but he knew that that too was a lie.
In truth, he was scared. He was scared that if he told her how he felt something bad would happen. If he admitted his feelings and then lost her, it would be too much for him to handle.
Leaving the great hall after lunch a few days later, he ran into someone.
“Excuse me, I -” he stopped. He had run into Hermione.
They looked at each other for a few minutes. Draco heard a voice in his head yelling at him to just tell her something, anything. He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again and walked away from her towards the dungeons.
He couldn’t escape her. She was in half of his classes and had started creeping into his mind while he was sleeping so all he could dream about was her.
They were on polite terms with each other. Draco had been making the attempt to at least be kind to her; he didn’t want her last memories of him to be bad ones. He knew that he had been right in what he told her. Once they get out of school and the war is over she would go on with her life and forget about him. He would be left alone with no chance of her coming back; he’d be stranded.
Like it's coming over me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
That drags me out to the sea
And I wanna be with you
If you wanna be with me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
And I don't wanna be
Stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded…
She had taken his being nice as a sign that he wanted to actually be her friend, because she had begun to say hi to him in the halls and in the great hall during meal times. He let her, because he wanted her around; he felt safe and like everything going bad in the world would be resolved soon, when she was around.
One day while they were talking in between classes, she stopped walking. He turned and looked at her. He could tell that she was deciding something but didn’t know what it was.
“Draco,” she looked as if she wouldn’t finish her sentence but then she continued. “Will you…will you meet me on the astronomy tower tonight?”
He studied her face. She seemed determined to get him to agree. He decided not to put up a fight about it.
“Sure.” The moment he answered and she walked away towards her next class he knew that he should have answered no.
She hadn’t told him a time to meet her, but he assumed around 11 o’clock that night would be best since everyone else in the castle would be asleep. He walked as slowly as he could to the astronomy tower. He was nervous about why she had asked him to meet her there in the first place.
When he got there he saw her looking into the dark depths of the sky. She was so beautiful. He didn’t think he could take much more of this. He couldn’t keep seeing her and feeling the way he did about her, and having to walk away each time.
“Hi,” he said.
She turned and looked at him.
“Hi,” she looked around. “Come sit with me?”
He walked over and sat against the tower wall with her, and looked up at the sky. He waited, but she didn’t say anything. He felt something small and cold brush his hand. He looked down and saw her hand twitch slightly at the light touch between them.
He looked back up at the sky. He shouldn’t be here.
He felt her lift his hand slightly to slide hers under it; she intertwined her fingers with his. Then she shifted slightly and rested her head on his shoulder.
He swallowed hard. He shouldn’t be here with her, he was leading her on. His own tears were threatening to fall as he remembered her words to him ‘I love you.’
He had to stop this. He didn’t deserve love; it was wasted on him, and she deserved to love someone better. He stood up abruptly, not bothering to wipe the rouge tear that had escaped his eye.
“Hermione, I can’t do this.”
“Why?” she pleaded.
“Because…I’m not strong enough.”
He left the astronomy tower, letting the tears fall freely down his face.
These tears are turning me to rust
I know you're waiting there for me to
come back…
“Wait!”
He turned to see Hermione running after him.
“Do you love me?”
He did. He loved her more than anything else in the world, but he couldn’t tell her that. He had never felt this way about anyone else ever, and he didn’t want to lose it; he was scared to lose it.
“No.”
“You do, I can see it in your eyes. That and you are crying.” She reached up and wiped some of the tears from his face. “Why won’t you tell me?”
“It wouldn’t work.”
He left her standing alone, again. He was fighting it. He was fighting everything he felt. But he had to; he had to do it, even if he felt pain because he wanted her to find someone better who wouldn’t put her life in danger. When he got to his room, Draco Malfoy cried.
Like it's coming over me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
That drags me out to the sea
And I wanna be with you
If you wanna be with me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
And I don't wanna be
Stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded…
A year had gone by since they left Hogwarts. Draco had only seen Hermione a few times from a distance. She had looked happy so he assumed she had moved on. He was glad that at least she could.
He had tried desperately to get rid of his feelings for her, but he could never manage it. He couldn’t even bring himself to find a girlfriend because he would only see how she wasn’t Hermione.
He knew he was a fool, but he wanted to be with her. After all the fighting he did, in the end he ended up exactly where he didn’t want to be. He made up his mind. He would write to her, and see if she still loved him, or if she didn’t if she would at least give him another chance.
Without you, I'm stranded
I love you so come back…
She had written back saying that she would come to see him at his house like he had asked. He didn’t know how he was going to say any of it, but he would figure it out; he had too.
She arrived and he lost all the words he had rehearsed so well in his mind. They sat down for tea, and drank it in silence.
“Draco,” Hermione spoke first. “Why am I here?”
He looked at her.
“I just wanted to see you.”
“Oh.” He hoped he wasn’t imagining it, but he thought he saw a look of disappointment cross her face. The silence between them returned. Suddenly Hermione got up.
“I have to go.” And she rushed out of the parlor they had been sitting in.
“Hermione wait!”
“No, Draco. I can’t. I can’t be here, around you. You are teasing me.”
“I have to tell you something.”
“What?”
He looked into her eyes. He couldn’t find the right words. “I love you” just wouldn’t do it.
Tears began to form in her eyes, and she laughed sarcastically.
“Just like old times.”
She turned to leave, but he grabbed her arm and spun her around.
“No”
He leaned in and kissed her.
Like it's coming over me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
That drags me out to the sea
And I wanna be with you
If you wanna be with me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
And I don't wanna be
Stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded…