Swallow Your Pride by KASK
Chapter Notes: Thank you Fresca (Coloras) and Mariah (MissPurplePen) for Beta'ing. :D
I entered the common room. There were a few people there, but I had never stayed at Hogwarts for the holiday, so I had nothing to compare the number to. A cheerful fire was crackling, and I inhaled the aroma of burning wood, appreciating it. How could I never have realized how sweet the scent was until now? Pushing everything great about life to the back of my mind, I looked around for James.
I knew that I had to thank him. I could’ve just pretended that I didn’t know it was him. I could’ve gone on like Madam Pomfrey never told me. But, then again, I couldn’t have. I couldn’t live with the knowledge that I never said I was sorry for all I did, and that I was grateful he saved my life.
But it didn’t matter much, since he wasn’t there. I figured that he was either wandering the school or in his dorm. Since none of his friends had stayed behind, I doubted the former.
I made my way toward the staircase leading to the boys’ dormitories. And it seemed I was at the door too quickly. I wasn’t nervous exactly. Not nervous. Just… unsure. I hadn’t a clue what to say to him.
I raised my hand, and before I could turn around, it hit the wood.
“Err… who is it?” came James’ voice.
“It’s Lily,” I replied.
“We don’t have Head duties.”
“I know. Can I come in?” He granted me entrance, so I walked in.
I had been in his dorm before. It was generally clean, a few moving Quidditch posters plastered on the wall, and unmade beds. James was sprawled out on his blankets, a few magazines laid before him, but he sat up when I walked in.
“Hi, Evans,” he said, watching me walk in.
“You can call me Lily,” I responded, sitting down on the bed across from him. “I mean, if it weren’t for you, they’d be calling me in the grave.” I thought it was pretty clever beginning.
“Madam Pomfrey told you?” He didn’t seem at all surprised, only tired. He rubbed his face. I guess saving me must have been draining.
I took my cue and looked around the room. On the nightstand next to James’ bed were two framed pictures. One was a young James; I had to stifle a laugh. He looked exactly like he did sitting across from me. The five-year-old was grinning broadly on a broom a few feet in the air; just below him were what appeared to be his parents. He had the same messy black hair, bright hazel eyes and grin, only he was miniature. Examining closely, I realized that his head was much too large for his body.
“That was our Christmas card one year,” James said, catching my gaze.
I chuckled. “It’s cute.”
He laughed. “Thanks, I guess. My mum loves it. I never cared for it though.” He thought for a second. “In fact, I begged her not to send it. I knew almost every wizard for a million miles would see it; my head just looks so odd.”
“Like it’s too big for your body,” I said with a snicker, amused.
“Well, when you put it that way….”
“Oh,” I bit my tongue. “I’m sorry. Sometimes I say things without thinking.” I mentally hit myself. He saved my life, and I was mouthing off to him again.
James merely chuckled. “It’s fine. You’re right. It does look a tad too big.”
I smiled in return. “Just a tad. Kind of like an alien.”
My eyes focused in on the other picture. It was much more recent. It couldn’t have been more than a month old. James was in his red sweater with a girl. I recognized her, but couldn’t put my finger on her. She wasn’t particularly pretty, but not bad.
She had thick brown hair, which was wavy, and a nice smile. Her eyes looked light brown, but could have been hazel or hazel-green. She wore glasses and a Ravenclaw scarf. As I looked at her, I decided that the girl was pretty, but one had to search for it. Her eyes were shiny and happy; her hand clasped James’.
“Who’s that?” I asked, aware that I was being rude, but not fazed by it.
James glanced backward. “Oh, that’s Anna. Do you know her?” he asked with mild interest. I shook my head. “She’s in Ravenclaw. I’m sure you’ve seen her. Anita Morgan?”
“I don’t think so, but she looks familiar. How do you know her?” If James had a girlfriend, everyone knew the next day, so that couldn’t have been it. Then who was she? His fourth best friend?
“Err, she’s a good friend.”
I knew he wouldn’t tell me any more; there was something in his face that told me so. So I dropped it.
“I just wanted to thank you,” I said, “really.” I looked into his eyes. I wanted him to know that I was sincere. I really did appreciate it. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. I wouldn’t have let you drown, you know.”
“I know.”
“So, I’ll be seeing you, I suppose,” James said.
“Guess you will.” I stood and turned to go. And he picked up a book that was mixed in with the magazines and turned to the bookmarked page.
But before I left, I had to know. “Hey, James?” He looked up from his book. “Why didn’t you want me to know that you saved me?”
He thought for a second before shrugging. “I dunno. I guess I didn’t want you to feel like you owed me. I didn’t want it to be a big deal. It really wasn’t. It was just… something you do. Someone is drowning, you save them. Instinct, I think.”
“I don’t think it is instinct.” I paused. “Maybe just character?” I smiled at him, aware of how easy it was to smile around him. He grinned back at me and I left.
I was exhausted, but wanted to get some reading done before bed. I told myself that I would do so much reading with all the leisurely time I had, but in reality, I did hardly any. Instead, I spent my days sleeping and doing similar relaxing activities. I have to say, it was nice. I was often sleep-deprived during school, staying up to all hours of the night doing homework that I procrastinated on.
So I took a seat in the common room with my book. The fire burned closely, and the heat drifted in my direction. It certainly felt nice. My eyes lost focus on the words as I became drowsy. I couldn’t help it. My eyelids felt like lead. They closed. But only for a minute, I told myself.
It was only minutes later that someone was shaking me awake. It took all the strength I had to pry my eyes open, even if it was just a crack. I couldn’t make out the tall figure at first, so I opened my eyes a little more. It was James, I came to realize.
“What is it?” I croaked, my voice strange from sleep.
“You may want to go to your bed. Take it from me, chairs are quite uncomfortable to sleep in.” I squinted up at him and nodded, rubbing my eyes.
“What time is it?”
“Almost three.”
“In the night?” I asked, shocked that I had slept that much.
“Morning, actually,” he replied with a smile.
I could feel the creases on my face and, to my embarrassment, drool hardened on my cheeks.
I was slowly reawakening; my eyes were wider and mind clearer. “I won’t be able to sleep now.”
“Me either. I slept all afternoon,” James said. I forgot he was there. He took a seat in the chair next to me.
“Will you be here for a few minutes?” I asked. He nodded, so I ran to my dorm, brushed my teeth, and splashed water on my face. When I returned, I felt much better, but hoped it wasn’t obvious that I had fixed myself up a bit.
I sat down in the same seat and my eyes fell on the fire “ the predator. It was the reason I slept, the soothing flames and lulling heat.
“You know, my grandparents were married for ninety years,” James started.
“Wow,” I said softly. I couldn’t imagine that. With someone for ninety years… the idea was ludicrous.
“They met in Hogwarts, were married right after graduation. And you know what the crazy thing is?” I shook my head. He grinned. “Their names were Francis and Frances.”
I laughed. “Really?” I asked doubtfully.
Smiling, he nodded. “It got a bit confusing, but they couldn’t let that get in the way.” He stopped and tilted his head backwards. Was he finished with the story?
“Well…?” I asked. He looked back at me.
“Well what?”
“Well, what happened? Aren’t you going to finish the story?”
“I hear you’re smart, I thought it was pretty self-explanatory. They got married, had my dad, and were together for a long time.”
“What do you mean were?”
“My grandmother passed away this summer,” James replied ruefully. I could tell that it was still an open wound for him; there was pain in his eyes. It was obvious sorrow, but I could see it and I felt bad for bringing it up.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“It’s fine,” he said. “Really,” he added gently, noticing my uncertainty. “It’s been really hard on my grandfather though.”
“I can imagine, losing someone after being together for ninety years. That’s always scared me.” Did I just say that? Was I opening up to James Potter?
“What has?” he asked softly, his eyes inquiring.
I didn’t like the look in his eyes. He was trying to read me “ to see into my soul. “Well, err, the thought of being with someone that long. I’m afraid that I would get sick of the person and ruin it all. Even after five or ten years, will it be the same? Will you feel the same?”
He thought for a moment, and I watched him. “I think,” he started slowly, “that if you love the person, then yes.” I liked that answer. “If you are with a person that you truly love, that you would give anything for, then it never changes. Six months “ one hundred years, it won’t go away, because you both grow and change together.”
“Was that how it was with your grandparents?” I prodded gently.
James nodded and turned to me. “After the funeral, my grandfather hugged me. And I’ll never forget what he said. He told me that he had just lost the love of his life, the most important thing in the world to him, and that it hurt like hell. He said he probably wouldn’t ever be the same. But then he looked me straight in the eyes; he said that his time with her was something he would never trade, that it was the only thing worth living for. He told me to find that. He told me that once I had that, nothing else would be as important. And he said once I found it, to cherish it and never let it go.”
I felt like crying. It just suddenly came over me. Would I ever have something like that?
“That’s nice,” I replied softly, a knot in my throat, and something swelling in my chest for this boy. This was a James Potter I had never seen, a James Potter who was amazing.
“I’m sure you’ll find it, Lily,” he said certainly after a moment. I gave a nod, hoping he was right, and we talked for the rest of the night.