Chapter Three: She Wasn’t Drowning
James and I didn’t have any more heart-to-hearts after that. The holiday passed and we hardly spoke, as usual. I mean, there was the occasional “I have so much homework” or “It’s been a rough week” on patrol, but other than that, we didn’t really communicate.
I wanted to countless times. I wanted to say something, to spark up a conversation, to comment on the weather, anything. I wanted to talk to him again. I wanted to see the boy that I saw that night, because by the end of it, as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I knew that I could love that James. I couldn’t talk to him though. I wasn’t the one who started conversations. It wasn’t my role in our relationship.
But I tried. I opened my mouth, hoping that words would fall out. But they never did. They just stayed grudgingly in there, refusing to come out.
That was, until a few weeks ago. That day, I had no problem finding words to say to James. I was just so… angry. I don’t even know why. It just didn’t make sense. I had no real reason to be angry with James. But I couldn’t turn it off. I couldn’t make the frustration go away.
Two weeks ago, on a Thursday, we were patrolling, like always. There was nothing unique about the date or patrol. James and I were walking, he in his own world, and I in mine. The odd thing was that my world was increasingly focusing on him. I would glance in his direction, wondering what he was doing or what expression was on his face. I would admire how the lighting always made his face look peaceful and serene. I would notice the amber in his eyes.
I did it without even realizing it. My eyes would just stray there. At first, I just thought of it as curiosity. But as it happened more and more, I knew I was more than curious about what James was doing. I mean, there weren’t too many things he could have been doing. We were patrolling.
That’s when we heard it. James looked in my direction and I immediately turned my head, hoping he didn’t catch my gaze. If he did, he didn’t dwindle on it, for there were footsteps approaching. We both turned our lit wands in the direction of the noise. At first, neither of us could see anything. But we both soon saw a girl coming down the corridor. It was difficult to make her out, even with the light.
“James?” the girl called softly, trying to be quiet.
James squinted in her direction for a moment. But he must have placed her, because he responded, “Anna?”
Anna? I finally placed her. She was the girl from the picture! She approached James and maneuvered her way into his arms. “I missed you.”
She missed him? I watched the scene unfold in front of me. I was the onlooker and almost felt awkward about it. It was as though I was watching something I shouldn’t have been. It was none of my business, but I couldn’t unglue my eyes.
“I missed you, too. But what are you doing? It’s past curfew,” James responded to the girl, still hugging her firmly.
She grinned and looked up at him. “I was hoping that having the Head Boy as my boyfriend could help me with that.”
Boyfriend? Did she say boyfriend? James was her boyfriend? Something was very wrong with the whole situation. James didn’t go off with other girls. James was supposed to want me for all eternity.
James smiled back at her, looking unsure.
“Oh, please! Can’t you just skive off for a little while and take a walk with me?” Anna pleaded, giving a puppy-dog face. How pathetic!
He played with the idea for a moment before grinning broadly. “Okay,” he answered and she gave a leap with joy, kissing him on the lips.
But don’t worry, before he completely disappeared, he threw his head over his shoulder and yelled, “Hope you don’t mind, Lil.” He was going to snog that stupid girl was what he was going to do, and he called me Lil. Nobody called me Lil.
Why was he allowed to talk to me all night and date a girl at the same time? It just wasn’t fair. Why was he allowed to make me like him and then not like me anymore?
I just stood there for a few moments, rooted to the ground. I could hear their giggling echo through the halls and the sound of a broom closet door shutting. Well, maybe I didn’t hear the door shutting, but I could have sworn I did.
I felt almost betrayed…and helpless. I hadn’t really ever felt helpless before; I never let myself feel helpless. But I couldn’t control this. I couldn’t make James turn around and care about me again. I couldn’t do anything about him kissing Anita Morgan.
That made me angry. I wanted to punch something. Preferably James’ girlfriend. And I wasn’t a violent person.
James’ girlfriend.
Why didn’t he tell me about them when I picked up the picture and asked about the girl? Why hadn’t he mentioned it? Why hadn’t anyone else mentioned it? This was James Potter. Everyone knew when he was dating someone, but the one time I actually cared, it was a secret?
The boy drove me nuts. Everything about him drove me nuts. The way he always knew what to say.
Then I remembered that he saved me from the lake. I hadn’t forgotten, but it temporarily slipped my mind. I don’t even know why he did it, if he didn’t even like me.
Because he’s stupid and noble, I grudgingly answered.
Why didn’t he go save his girlfriend from the lake?
Because she wasn’t drowning.
I wasn’t a fan of the whole situation. In fact, I hated it. It drove me up the wall. I wanted to tell James exactly what I thought of him and his stupid girlfriend. So I decided that I would. I would give him a piece of my mind. He wasn’t allowed to just run off to snog some girl. We were patrolling. It was our duty!
The next day, I was heading to meet James in the same spot we met every day for patrol. Overnight, I had cooled down a bit, and didn’t want to start any conflict. So I wasn’t going to say anything about the previous night. That was, until I arrived to see James and Anita kissing goodbye.
Everything came rushing back mysteriously fast. My fist curled into a ball and my nails scarred my palms. I really didn’t know where this anger came from. It was nothing like I had ever felt before.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, Anita and James broke apart, noticing my presence.
“Sorry,” Anita said, “I’ll just be going.” I gave her some sort of contorted grin. It couldn’t have been pretty.
The girl scurried off, leaving James and me to patrol.
“What’s wrong with you?” he asked casually as we began to walk. I was pretty sure that the vein in my temple was enlarged and pumping out of my head rapidly.
“What’s wrong with me?” I asked fiercely. It wasn’t a yell, and I was proud of myself for containing my anger. “What’s wrong with you?”
“I dunno. Nothing really. I’m pretty good.”
Was he completely oblivious to everything in the world? Did he not notice my slight irritation?
“You can’t just do that!” I exclaimed.
“Do what?” he asked, looking at me with interest.
“You know I’m angry and you’re ignoring it!”
James smiled, and it was adorable. “A little.” I stared at him, a real withering stare. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”
“What is?” I asked, surprised. I didn’t think he actually knew what I was angry about. I probably wouldn’t have if I were him.
“I shouldn’t have left patrolling. It was irresponsible and I’m sorry.” He paused, thinking for a moment. “And I’m sorry I called you Lil. I know you hate it.” That had caught me off guard and it showed. My scornful look turned into one of surprise.
“How do you know that?” I breathed, looking at him. James just shrugged.
“Are you still mad?” he asked. I thought for a moment.
“Yes!” I almost shouted. He was still with Anita Morgan, so yes, I was still mad.
“Why?”
“What?”
“Why are you still angry? I apologized,” James repeated.
“It isn’t that!” I responded.
“What is it then?” he blinked calmly.
I wanted to say it. I wanted to tell him that I was jealous and that I liked him. I wanted to tell him that I thought about him all the time. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I had too much…pride. How I hated my father.
I knew I needed to say something, but my mind was drawing a blank. James’s gaze was too intense to think. Finally, I gritted my teeth and responded.
“It’s that stupid girl!” I answered. “It’s that we talked all night and you just never talked to me again! It’s that you’re kissing her right in my range of view. It’s that it’s disgusting! It’s that you didn’t tell me you were dating her!”
“Why do you care, Lily?” he asked after a moment. “Do you have feelings for me or something?”
I looked at him. There was something firm in his eyes that I hadn’t really ever seen before, but they were soft. His eyes were always soft when he looked at me. Well, they used to be. They used to always be playful and alive when he looked at me.
“No!” I scoffed, dropping the word as if it were a worm. But we both knew it wasn’t true. “I just don’t like her.”
James looked frustrated. “You know what I think?” he nearly yelled. I shrugged, attempting to look as if I didn’t care, when I was really hanging on every word he spoke.
“I think you’re greedy, Lily Evans.”
“What?” I asked, sounding shocked. It was a reflex.
He leaned his head in so his eyes were closer to mine. “I think you are greedy. I think that you are self-centered and you don’t care about anyone but yourself. You don’t know how long it took me to get over you!” His hand flew up with exasperation. “You treated me like dirt for three years. You hurt me and you didn’t care, you stepped on my head when I was drowning, you kicked me when I was down. But I still liked you. You were a jerk to me, but I didn’t even care. And now, now, I’m finally through with it all. I’m not under your spell anymore. I have a girlfriend; I’m happy. And you can’t stand it! You like me after I’ve moved on. And you do it with the knowledge that I have a soft spot for you. I can’t even believe it. It’s going to begin all over again.” He threw both of his hands into his hair and I wasn’t sure what to think.
“I’m not going to let it happen again,” he muttered to himself. “I don’t like you, Lily. And I would’ve before, but I’m not going to let you take out your anger on my girlfriend or me. So I’m out of the game before it begins. Later.”
And James walked away. As I watched him walk down the corridor, I half-admired him.
Swallow Your Pride by KASK
Chapter Notes: Hi everyone! Sorry, this is taking a bit. I'm trying to get chapters of both of my Lily/James stories up, but I can only do one at a time. Anyway, here is chapter three!
And thank you Mariah!