Chapter Four: My Poetic Soul
We didn’t patrol together after that. It was an unspoken agreement, the best decision for both of us. We went our separate ways, avoiding each other’s gaze. Personally, I was more embarrassed than anything else. He knew that I liked him. I never corrected him, and I didn’t like that.
James, on the other hand, was through with me, something he had made quite clear. His speech had left me reeling, dazed for the following few days. I didn’t know why, but his words hurt me. They cut deep, deeper than I could have ever imagined. Everything he said was true, and I felt awful.
I wanted to slap myself; he had liked me, which I guess I knew, but never really believed. And you do it with the knowledge that I have a soft spot for you. I always thought that, in a way, it was the thrill of the chase, and I was the girl that always said no. But I was wrong. I don’t think it was ever that. James had liked me. He had liked me the way I haven’t felt until now. The odds were completely against me, but it didn’t matter. It changed nothing.
So I did the only sensible thing I could think of. Once the effects of our last conversation (or fight) wore off, I started to consider my options. It came down to one thing “ I had to get over James Potter. There was no other way.
So, the whole day, I tried to convince myself that I didn’t like him. I repeated bad things about him in my mind, reminding myself of incidents that showed how terrible he was. Like saving you and not asking anything in return?
It was like that all day. My heart and brain had different agendas. My brain repeated bad James while my heart screamed in protest. And after a few minutes, my brain would turn on me, erasing all the bad, leaving me with the things he had said to me.
My grandparents were married for ninety years. It surprised me how intense his eyes were, how passionate he was when he spoke of his friends and family, how easy he was to talk to. And that “ not stupid bullying he had done when he was younger to impress me “ was the image in my mind.
Still, it had worked in third year. Then, I had successfully vanished my crush on him, and I had to try again. I knew it wasn’t going to work, I knew my feelings were too strong, but still, I attempted.
And by the end of the day, I had made progress. I hadn’t exactly forgotten him, but I was doing better. I was close…very close. So I headed to the Great Hall, intending to test it out.
I sat next to Amy. I knew James saw me, but avoided my eyes. It was the beat we had been dancing to. Avoid any eye contact, glance and look away quickly, feign lack of interest. Feigning. That’s exactly what it was. For me, at least. I wanted to look up. I wanted to see what he was eating, who he was talking to, and whether he was thinking of me while he was doing it, like it would be written on his face.
“Lily? Are you alright?”
I swallowed hard at Amy’s question.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” My voice had an edge of panic. I was afraid that Amy knew what I was thinking, even though it was impossible.
“I dunno… You’ve been far off lately.”
I shrugged. “I’m just tired.” Having nothing more to say about the subject, I turned back to my food, back to James. James “ the only thing on my mind those days.
A few minutes later, Amy began to rant about Professor Slughorn’s clear favoritism. And I saw an opportunity and took it. I pretended to listen intently to Amy, all while my eyes scanned the Ravenclaw table. I quickly found Anna, the brown-haired girl James was infatuated with. She was talking to a friend, every once in a while glancing over at James with her eyes alight.
For the first time, I felt guilty about liking James, and didn’t know why. It wasn’t a crime to have a crush on someone with a girlfriend, but I felt like I was somehow sabotaging their relationship. I felt badly, because they seemed so happy together. And there I was, a pathetic heart latching on, hopelessly attracted to James.
Yet, I couldn’t do much about it. I had tried, and that was worth something. I just couldn’t turn off the feelings. I didn’t enjoy liking him; I didn’t like him because I wanted to jeopardize his happiness. It was just the way it was. Something I couldn’t control.
We weren’t sitting too far from James, Sirius, and the clan, so I casually asked someone to pass the butter, knowing that James was closest. Somewhat awkwardly, James looked up at me, our eyes meeting. He was reading me again, burning holes into my eyes. I looked back for a moment, trying to do the same to him, trying to apologize without words. But his gaze soon became too intense for even me; I had to break it. So I looked away, in a way I hoped was casual. James continued to look at me for a moment, silently handing me the butter. Just as I had planned, our hands brushed. But the plan had been soiled. I let the feelings come back. And to confirm it, the place our hands touched burned, and my stomach swooped. I should have known… just being in the same room with him did it.
This is where I was stuck. I was in a rut. Only in this rut, I had a zero-percent chance of getting out. I highly doubted James would even talk to me, let alone break up with his girlfriend for me. His girlfriend. Where did that leave me? Exactly. Nowhere.
Why hadn’t I seen the real James before? Why had I hated him? Why, all of a sudden, was I the thick one? The one who just didn’t get it? I could have had the last six years with him! We could have been the couple that was together forever, who were always next to each other, holding hands, and expected to continue after Hogwarts. We could have been his grandparents!
It was that thought that scared me. Where had I made the jump from having a crush on James to wanting to spend the next ninety years with him? My heart started to beat rapidly. Everything was closing in… I had been so afraid of never finding someone; I had never considered that the person that was right for me was James, the one that was always right there.
“I “ ” I swallowed, the thought of food sickening. “I’m not hungry,” I finished quickly. Amy looked at me with concern.
“Are you okay, Lily?”
I took a breath, swallowing air, looking for the words. The truth was, I didn’t have any, because I didn’t know if I was okay. Tears swelled up in my eyes, the feeling of dread intensely overwhelming. I began to inhale rapidly, afraid that if I didn’t, I would suffocate. But all the air didn’t help; instead I put a hand to my throat, gasping. I felt like vomiting.
A few people were casually glancing over at my mental breakdown or panic attack or whatever it was, but thought nothing of it. Chest heaving, I managed to steal a glance at James, who was looking back at me, eyes uncertain. When I caught his eye, I couldn’t breathe. I could feel the blood drain from my face, being sucked like a vacuum, and something rose up in my throat…
My heart throbbing painfully, I sprinted out of the Great Hall to the nearest toilet, aware that all eyes were on me. I would probably have been looking at me too “ the Head Girl going mad. It was quite an interesting sight…though quite mortifying for me.
But I was able to overlook the embarrassment, mainly because I spent the next ten minutes throwing my brains up. I don’t know what did it, but I didn’t think it was the food. Before I felt sick, I was thinking about how James might never leave my mind. What if, fifty years later, I was still thinking of him? What if he’d always be the one that got away? I couldn’t stand it…
I sunk down next to the toilet, hoping wholeheartedly that the floor was semi-clean. I had heard stories of the bacteria lurking on bathroom floors, and that was all I needed, to contract some disgusting disease from the loo.
My eyes stung, preparation for the tears that I was sure would follow. I waited a few minutes, but no tears came. Instead, my eyes just tingled sorely, wishing that liquid would flow.
A few hours later, sitting alone in my dorm, wondering what on earth James could be thinking of me, I decided that my vomiting was symbolic. My poetic soul figured that I was (literally) throwing away my crush on James. Although I still felt the same as before, I wouldn’t let myself think it. It was the only way I could get over him.
So the whole next day, I refrained from thinking of James at all. Well, a few slipped through the cracks, but I did a pretty good job. It was the hardest in Transfigurations, though, because right before it, I saw Anna and James hug. They were discreet, James wanting to have a normal, serious relationship, but I saw it nonetheless. I understood why no one knew; it was difficult for the Quidditch hero to have a girlfriend, so they didn’t let anyone know. I wished I didn’t know…
My insides turned to ice, and I hated him. I hated him because it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that I had to feel this miserable, and I couldn’t do a thing about it. I hated him for picking her over me, even if it was before I even noticed he was a person. I hated him because it hurt too much to love him.
Maybe you deserve this, said a small voice in the back of my mind. Now you know what it felt like for him all these years… I knew the voice was right. Maybe it was justified, but it still didn’t make me feel any better. I hated that voice of reason, just like I hated James. Stupid James, who turned out to be oh so sensitive and compassionate.
Later that day, I had Head duties. I stopped saying we, because it hadn’t been James and me for at least three weeks. I left the common room, James still at a table with his friends…not that I noticed or anything. I hated everything about him.
Wand hanging dully in my hand, I started down the corridor, turning my brain off. Patrolling alone wasn’t very entertaining; in fact, I hated it. So instead of being trapped with myself, I learned to walk numbly. It went by more quickly.
“Lily!” a voice called down the hall. My senses immediately returned, recognizing the voice as James’. I stopped instantly, body stiffening like I had been shocked. My heart skipped at the sound of his voice.
I paused for a moment, brain moving hastily, thinking how to handle the situation. I should’ve kept walking. I should’ve pretended not to hear him. I should’ve known not to let this escalate. But it was James and I couldn’t do any of those things. So I turned around to see him walking toward me rather fast. “Do you wanna patrol together tonight?” he asked rather breathlessly, finally catching up to me.
I eyed him, hoping to look skeptical. I guess I was. Why did he want to patrol? It would be unnecessarily awkward and hard for me. I needed to get over him, not become closer to him. I needed to stop feeling this way. I needed to heal!
My insides were screaming ‘yes’ though, and I knew I would succumb. But until I did, I stared at him, pretending to be making up my mind. Instead I memorized every inch of his face. I wouldn’t have many more chances…
“Err, sure,” I finally said, my heart singing in agreement. He grinned, that easy lopsided smile, and we began walking.
“So,” he started, “are you okay?”
I was caught off-guard. Why wouldn’t I be? Did he think I was lost without him or something? Because I wasn’t, not a bit.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you ran out of the Great Hall. Are you sick?”
“No, not really…I mean, yes! I have Dragon Pox.” What? I clapped my hand over my mouth. No, no, no! I silently moaned. Why did I say that? It wasn’t true; it just came out! What was I thinking?
James’ eyes widened. “What?” he asked slowly. The idea was clearly shocking to him. “Are you going to be alright? Did you go to the Hospital Wing?”
“No, not yet.”
“What? Are you sure? We should go! Right now!” He took hold of me and began marching me in the opposite direction.
This little lie was becoming problematic. It would take Madam Pomfrey about two minutes to tell me that I, in fact, did not have Dragon Pox. I could hear her now. Almost drowning in the lake, lying about a deadly disease, having to have James Potter keep saving you… What is wrong with you, Miss Evans? Tut, tut. You’re Head Girl; shouldn’t you be more sensible?
Of course I should! What was wrong with me? No normal person would just slip something like that out.
“I’m not sick,” I clarified simply, knowing that I had to. Why had I said it in the first place? I was digging myself too deep…
He whipped around to look at me. “But you just said…”
“It just slipped out. I’m definitely not sick. I lied, er, sorry. I’m not sure why I said that.”
He looked confused, the way I felt. “Okay. Then…why were you sick?”
I took a breath, my stomach dropping with what I was to say. I was going to tell the truth. I had to; maybe it would free me from the gloom I constantly felt.
“I…well, you see…er...” His eyes were focused strongly on me, like they could see right through me. Why were his eyes like that? “I had a panic attack,” I finally stated lamely.
“Oh, okay,” he said quietly. “This whole thing has been kind of weird. And I kind of blame myself. So…can we just forget about it?”
Relief washed over me, but something stuck. Why did he blame himself for me being loony? “Yes. Good. I’ve been kind of out of it lately. Amy said I’ve been acting neurotic. I guess it’s true.”
James laughed. “Yeah, just a little.” He placed his pointer and thumb about a centimeter away from each other. I playfully hit him on the arm, laughing, trying to act like a friend, not like someone who thought about him all the time.
“Hey, listen.” I turned to him curiously. “I’m sorry about yelling at you last time. I was out of line and I made a lot of conclusions that probably aren’t even true. All the stuff about you liking me and being angry with me for having Anna, it was all rubbish. I practically made it up. So, I’m sorry. Are we okay?”
I didn’t know how to answer that question. I could’ve said yes, smoothed it all over, said that we were fine and none of the stuff he accused me of was true, but “
“No,” I answered, hating myself for admitting it. James looked surprised at my answer.
“Why?” he finally asked, eyes trying to understand. It wasn’t going to work. I didn’t even understand.
I sighed, getting ready to dive off of the deep end into an unknown body of water. My stomach lurched forward, and I finally understood what my father had meant. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything; something was stopping me. My pride. Closing my eyes, I swallowed it.
“I-I, well, er, you really didn’t make any of that stuff up.” I took a breath, trying to be brave, trying to stop myself from bolting. “I mean, I feel horrible all the time, because I don’t want to feel like this, but… I dunno what to say. Ever since you saved me, I think about you a lot,” I finished weakly. I couldn’t believe I had actually said those things! Then again, I wasn’t really sure he could even understand what I had said. My words all ran together, and I kept stuttering unattractively.
James looked at me for a moment, at a loss for words himself. “I’m not really sure what to say, and barely sure what you said,” he spoke slowly. The truth was, I wasn’t sure either. It would have been funny if I had not been so immensely embarrassed.
“Umm, me either.” It was awkward, neither of us knowing what to say. I, Lily Evans, had just confessed my lov “ feelings for James Potter. I never thought this day would come. “I guess I’ll just say that I’m happy for you and Anna, and that I’m getting over you, so I…I can’t talk to you anymore.” Maybe I was more courageous than I thought, because, looking back, I don’t know how I had the guts to say any of those things.
“So, I guess I’ll see you around,” I said, finality in my voice.
I marched down the hall, closing my eyes once my back was turned. “Lily,” he called softly.
I would have given anything to have had the strength to keep walking, but I didn’t. At the sound of my name on his tongue, I stopped stiffly, and slowly turned around to look at him.
“It hasn’t worked for me yet.”
Swallow Your Pride by KASK
Chapter Notes: Thank you to my Beta, Mariah.