Chapter Five: Tears and a Naked Petunia
What did he mean? It hasn’t worked for me yet. I silenced any hope that he had any inkling of interest in me. Why would he? If I were him, I wouldn’t. I was disturbed, thinking back to the conversation, which is physically difficult, since I wanted to hit myself every time I did. First of all, I made up the most bizarre lie ever. Dragon Pox? What the hell was I thinking? And then, the way I told him I liked him. I cringed every time I thought about it. It was awful, uncomfortable, and weird. None of the words came out right.
At that point, I did anything and everything in my power to avoid him. It wasn’t because I was trying to get over him, but because I was incredibly embarrassed. I could never look at him… ever again.
A week passed “ a week of keeping away from James, which meant skipping the Quidditch game against Slytherin. I spent all of my time in my dorm, enduring questioning from Amy, Kara, and all of my other friends.
“Why aren’t you going to the game?”
“Why are you avoiding Potter?”
“Are you sick? You look ill! You better go see Madam Pomfrey.”
“What’s going on with you lately?”
By early the next week, I was doing my best to avoid everyone. No one would leave me alone; even Sirius Black took to asking. “You and James are both acting funny. What’s going on?”
That’s when I knew that I had really made a fool out of myself. James hadn’t even told Sirius, his best friend in the world. The whole thing must’ve really been too terrible for words. Maybe he was too embarrassed to tell Sirius that someone like me had a crush on him. He’d probably undergo endless taunting. That lunatic has a crush on you?
I would never understand how people could confess his or her love for another. How can someone just come out and say things like that, no fear and no shame? It didn’t make sense to me. I wasn’t sure how I could ever be in the same room with James again. It was too humiliating.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have much of a choice. A few days later, Professor Dumbledore called me down to his office. I wasn’t really sure why, but I hoped it was something good. I could have really used some good news.
I made my way to his office, both curious and apprehensive. When I reached the stone gargoyle, I gave the correct password and traveled up the stairs. I raised my hand to knock on the door, but before it hit the wood even once, Professor Dumbledore called out, “Enter.” He really was good…
I opened the door and walked into the familiar office of the headmaster. “Hello,” I said, more pleasantly than I felt.
“Ah, Ms Evans. How are you?” Professor Dumbledore asked from his desk. I slapped on a false smile, eyes greeting Dumbledore politely.
“Quite well, thank you, Professor,” I put forth cheerfully. “How are you?”
Dumbledore smiled, “Very well, thank you. Mr. Potter was just telling me how everything is going.” At the mention of James’ name, my blood ran cold, my heart sure to stop. Quickly, I whipped around to see James sitting in one of the chairs.
“Hi James,” I said quickly, turning back to Dumbledore, my face turning crimson. It was the first time I had addressed him since admitting my feelings. He looked just as uncomfortable.
“Please, Lily, take a seat.” Dumbledore waved me into the seat next to James.
“You may both be wondering why I called you down.” I nodded vigorously, hoping it was almost over. “Nothing as exciting as you may have hoped. I merely wanted to check in, see how everything was going. I know you two have had a rocky start.”
“What do you mean, Professor?” James quickly cut in. “Lily and I have worked very hard since the beginning,” he defended. I felt a surge of something in my chest.
Dumbledore smiled serenely. “I didn’t mean since the beginning of this year. I meant since the beginning of Hogwarts. You two haven’t always gotten along. In fact,” he chuckled, “I recall some very vicious fights.” His eyes flashed to me, and I blushed a little bit. “I wanted to commend you two for putting the past behind you and working together. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.”
James shrugged. “Lily’s quite easy to get along with. Most of the fighting before was my fault.” How I lov”liked James…
“That’s not true. Most of it was my fault. I just never understood him before,” I interjected quickly, flushing even deeper when I realized what I had said.
“And you have a better understanding now, Ms Evans?” Dumbledore prodded carefully. What was the point of these questions? I didn’t want to answer. I hadn’t even meant to say that!
“Yes,” I said promptly. “I’m living what he did for a long time, and I now know why he did what he did.” And it was true. I never realized how hard it was to get someone’s attention. Here was James with Anna, never thinking about me. That’s what it must have been like for him. A huge chunk of the time he had liked me, I had had a boyfriend. He had done all that stupid stuff in front of me to get my attention.
James turned to me, and looked into my eyes. I immediately looked away, still mortified that he knew I liked him. I had too much pride to be able to face him.
“And you, James?”
“I guess so. I like to think that I understand Lily…”
“Well, good. And Head duties are going well?” We both nodded. “Good.” He laced his fingers together. “I guess we’re done. Everything seems to be running smoothly.” I jumped out of my chair as if it were on fire.
We were almost at the door when Dumbledore looked up. “One more thing.” We both turned around. “I’d like you to inform the prefects, staff, and students that the lake is off limits for skating without a spell to thicken the ice being performed. And I’d like you to do it together.”
I couldn’t help but redden a little bit. So Dumbledore knew that James had saved my life, making me feel worse. I didn’t understand what the point of the meeting was, but Dumbledore never really said anything straight out. All I knew was that now I had to spend more time with James, something I wasn’t looking forward to…
The halls were empty as we walked back from Dumbledore’s office. I wanted nothing more than to run. Run in any direction I could, just try to get away from that feeling, and the overwhelming discomfort of the situation.
“Are you going to dinner?” he asked me hesitantly.
“Um, no, I don’t think so. I’m not really hungry,” I answered honestly.
“Me either.” He sighed. “This is awkward, huh?”
“Uh-huh,” I responded, my eyes looking anywhere except at him.
“I wish it wasn’t.” I could hear disappointment in his voice and reluctantly looked at him. He was frowning.
“It’ll probably blow over,” I mumbled, knowing that it wouldn’t ever on my side. As long as I liked him, I could never talk to him without a pain constricting my throat.
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you,” he said, looking into my eyes. I took in his features for the millionth time. He was so different from when I first met him. Even then, his head had been a little too big for his body. He had been scrawny, and much too confident. Thinking back, I almost wanted to smile. Every time he saw me in the hall, or any other pretty girl, he would puff out his chest, and almost march.
In second year, he was still small and light, perfect for the position of Seeker, but James never did anything anyone expected. He tried out for Chaser, and by third year, was the best one at Hogwarts. Everyone figured the only reason he tried out for Chaser was because no one expected it, but I heard him talking to Remus. He said it was because he never liked Seeking much, because Chasing made him feel like part of the team much more than being a Seeker ever would, and he liked that. I should have realized that I loved him when I overheard that conversation.
“Really?” I asked surprised, momentarily forgetting about everything “ my embarrassment, his girlfriend. My face brightened. “What about?” My voice feigned coolness. In reality, my insides were jumping eagerly. He wanted to talk to me!
“My grandfather is in the hospital, and I dunno, I’ve been thinking of you lately. I thought you’d understand.” I would have been elated that he was thinking of me, but I couldn’t feel happy. There was a sorrow in his eyes, and that prevented me from feeling anything but despair. Maybe I was over him, and that’s why I wasn’t happy.
No. That’s when it hit me. This is what it’s all about, I thought. I couldn’t feel anything because I cared more about him than myself. It didn’t matter that he had been thinking of me, because of the pain he was in. His happiness was more important.
“Is he okay? What happened?” I pushed softly, forgetting my embarrassment and patting him gently on the shoulder.
“I dunno, but the Healers don’t think he’s going to make it. He’s been really torn up over my grandmother’s death, and my mum reckons he doesn’t want to live. Well, not enough to fight.” James put his hands in his pockets. His words sunk into me.
I didn’t answer, not right away. When my grandmother passed away, I was only eight, but I remember my father telling me that the best thing you can do for another is just be there. Let them know he or she can lean on you, and that you understand, but don’t strangle them.
“Anna doesn’t really understand. I mean, I feel almost like she doesn’t know me as well as I want her to.” He ran a frustrated hand through his hair.
“And me?” I asked, unaware of doing so. He suddenly looked up at me, shrugging.
“Sometimes it’s hard to talk to my friends, we’re too close; they know me too well.”
“I know what you mean. My friends are the same way. I don’t always want to talk about everything, but they expect me to. I would just like a silent understanding.” I knew that’s what James and I had. No matter what would happen, it’d always be there.
“Yeah, that’d be nice.” He didn’t dare say that we had one. All in all, he still had a girlfriend, and he’d always be loyal James Potter. Maybe that was what I loved about him.
We made our way back to the common room, laughing and talking. I didn’t understand why it was so easy to talk to him; just like for the last six years, I never understood why it was so easy to forgive him. There was just something about him, something that prevented me from staying angry, from being uncomfortable around him for too long.
We made plans to inform teachers and students of the new rule the next day, and until then decided to go to the common room. When we got to there, Sirius beckoned James, but he shook his head and followed me to a secluded table. I couldn’t help but smile at this.
“I have a story for you.” I grinned thinking of it.
“Okay.” He smiled. “Shoot.” I could tell that he was feeling much better, as was I. One of my favorite things to do was story swap.
“When I was five, and my sister six and a half, my parents left us with a sitter one afternoon.” I couldn’t help but laugh as I began the story. “Well, she was playing a game with me and we thought that Petunia was in her room. About an hour later, there’s a knock on the door, so we answer it. There stands one our neighbors, Mrs. Cassidy, and a stark-naked Petunia.” James jaw dropped, and I giggled. “So, Petunia had been running around the neighborhood naked for the last half-hour. When my mum got home, Mrs. Cassidy spent about an hour yelling about how her son was violated. I’ve never seen my mum so angry. It’s turned into quite the story to tell at all major holidays. Petunia hates it, making it twice as fun.”
James laughed, a huge grin on my face. “And what about you? Any naked excursions?” I threw my head back and laughed.
“Loads. Most of taking place in the winter. You didn’t notice when you pulled me from the lake?” I teased.
“Oh, I just thought you were wearing a tan shirt.” We both chuckled, eyes meeting in mirth.
“Okay, your turn.”
James pondered, looking for a good story. After a moment, he grinned. His eyes were bright and happy, and mine were too. I hadn’t felt that good in a long time. I was increasingly realizing that my happiness was directly influenced by James.
“Got one! Okay, picture it, third year. Sirius, Remus, Peter, and I were still in the beginning stages of our style. We hadn’t mastered it yet, but we were getting there. Our pranks and meandering wouldn’t be perfected for about another two months. So, innocently, we were wandering the school. It may have been a tad past curfew.” I doubted that it had been a ‘tad’, but listened intently, liking the story so far.
“Well, we needed to find some information on Transfigurations for, well, a friend and it was in the Restricted Section. So we headed to the library. What I saw is something I’ll never forget.” I titled my head in wonder. What could have been so bad that it got a horrified expression like that from James?
“You know Pince, right?”
“Of course…”
“Do you know if she’s married?” I stared quizzically at him before slowly shaking my head. I had never thought to ask the librarian her marital status. “Well, we don’t think she is.”
I continued to look at him, eyebrow raised. “Why?” I finally asked.
“Well, we saw the beginning of some er, inappropriate, behavior between her and Professor Slughorn.”
“What?” I couldn’t believe it! Slughorn and Pince… That pairing made me want to puke.
He grinned at my reaction. “Did you catch my drift by inappropriate?” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and we both roared with laughter.
“I wasn’t even there, and it sounds horrifying,” I gasped between chuckles.
“Oh, you don’t even know. We were sure that Peter was blinded.”
Merlin. I was in love with James, again. How did I let myself fall into the trap? He had a girlfriend! Yet I couldn’t walk away. I couldn’t pass up another night of conversation.
We laughed and talked, joking and teasing. The common room began to clear and the darkness of the night deepened. I was so sure I would never be able to communicate with James again, after my embarrassment, but it was so easy. He understood me, in a way that most people, not even Severus, ever did. We were alike; the same ideals, attributes, goals, and morals.
“Okay, describe yourself in one word,” James said. I loved how our conversations went from joking to serious, how either worked for us.
“One word?” I pondered, smiling a bit. “Crazy.”
“Why?” James asked softly, tilting his head slightly to the side; looking into my eyes, face very close to mine. His eyes were hypnotizing, making me feel drowsy. I couldn’t look away…
“Oh, because it’s true,” I heard myself say, unaware I was saying it, and leaning into him more than I should have.
Our faces were very close, too close.
He has a girlfriend! a voice screamed in my head. A picture of Anna flashed through my mind; a picture of Anna and James hugging…
Oh, shut up, a stronger voice ordered, as I moved to close the space between us. I was sure our lips would touch, but as I inclined further, I felt nothing but air.
I instantly snapped up. James had moved away at the last second. Anna must have been tugging at his insides.
“How would you describe yourself?” I quickly asked, wanting to change the subject. I didn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed for wanting to kiss him, for being left without one. He was leaning in too, enough to lead me to believe that maybe, just maybe, he felt the same. He was just too loyal.
I breathed out. “I dunno, foolish, I guess.” A million words flickered through my mind to describe him. None included ‘foolish’ in any way, shape, or form.
“Why?” I finally asked, taking my turn to read him.
He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “Because,” he gulped air in. “Because, well, you see…” His mouth opened and closed, no words coming out. “It’s harder to say than you’d think… I, well, likeyoualot.” I understood what he said, and my heart soared. He sighed. “I dunno, I always have, and being with Anna didn’t change much.”
Tears swelled up in my eyes. I didn’t even know why. I was just so happy. The only problem was Anna. I didn’t think that James would have been heartless enough to dump her for me. He wasn’t the type. And, ironically enough, I was glad that he wasn’t.
Swallow Your Pride by KASK
Chapter Notes: Thank you to fg_weasley for Beta'ing!
Chapter Endnotes: I have an update! Swallow Your Pride will now be seven chapters! It's all finished and the last two chapters should be up shortly. Thank you for reading!