Learning and Turning
James and I didn’t part until about three o’clock in the morning. We hadn’t realized how late it was, and were shocked when finally checking. Time had just flown by, and I couldn’t believe that I had sworn I could never talk to him again. He was just so easy to talk to, to share secrets with…
Tired but happy, the happiest I had been in a long time, I headed to my dormitory. I knew that James was confused. I was too. I couldn’t help but want him to dump Anna, to confess his love for me, to never want another.
There was a bubble in my chest, and even as I lay in my bed yawning, it prevented me from sleep. My life had been hell the last few weeks. Everything had been a mess, from James to the world. People were disappearing, the papers were full of it, but in spite of it all, something was going right. James was talking to me. Even if we weren’t together, just talking to him would make me happy.
The next day, I awoke completely exhausted. Four hours were not enough for me to survive classes. Classes… I lay back down, an idea igniting in my brain. A minute later, the idea had grown, and I realized that I was violently sick. I was going to be rebellious and skip classes, or at least a few. I figured that I deserved it. And honestly, I did. I was Head Girl, and took it into consideration, but hardly ever skived off classes. I was in my seventh year and thought, if not now, then when?
When I reopened my eyes, it was about eleven. Let me tell you, it felt amazing. Just laying there, with nothing else in the world to do, was a feeling I’d never forget. I lazily stretched out and watched a few crows out of the window from my bed.
Finally, I rose and took a leisurely shower, singing softly to myself. Then, I got dressed in comfortable clothes and flopped back on my bed. I just wanted to enjoy the day; I didn’t want to think about James (though it was hard not to) or Anna, or the drama that would surely ensue. I just wanted to feel life. Maybe it’s hard to grasp, but I wanted to just enjoy living. I wanted to watch the invisible wind run by and ruffle the unprepared branches. I wanted to watch the lake, so near freezing, ripple angrily.
And I did. Well, until I got quite hungry. It hit me suddenly, a stab to my stomach. I knew that watching life would have to wait. Food had to come fast.
Smiling at the secrecy of it all, I made my way out of the dormitory and toward the common room. It was rather fun, breaking rules knowingly. I was supposed to be in class, not heading to the kitchen.
Yet, I was.
I crept out of the common room, past everyone who had a break, murmuring “hospital wing” under my breath. I never before understood what the appeal of rule breaking was. I never understood why James and Sirius did it. For this feeling, I thought, crawling through the Portrait Hole.
If only James could see me. He’d be proud. I laughed at the thought. Lily Evans skipping classes. He would never believe it.
Only if he saw it for himself…
I had the perfect idea. So I ran to the kitchens, grabbed a sandwich (that was forced into my hands) and started looking for James.
I wasn’t even sure of the exact time, so I couldn’t be positive what class he was in. I searched my mind, chewing on a chicken sandwich that was quite delicious. I estimated that I should be in Ancient Runes, which James didn’t take. I ran through his schedule, matching the ones we had together. It would put him in…Muggle Studies? His favorite class, literally.
I headed for the classroom that housed telephones and staplers and a hundred other things that were a part of me. Imagining James’ face, I knocked on the door.
As soon as the professor opened the door, my eyes roved over the students for James. And there he was, whispering something to Sirius, who was planted next to him. After a moment, he glanced up. When he saw me, he straightened up and grinned. I winked at him.
“Hello, Professor.” She was a graying witch with a kind face and sharp eyes. I found myself wondering what qualities one looks for in a Muggle Studies teacher. Was this witch Muggle-born? Did she just know a lot about Muggles? “I need James Potter for the rest of the period.” James shot me a strange look, clearly not expecting that to fall from my mouth. “We have Head business to attend to. Professor Dumbledore was supposed to send a note, but he forgot.” I gave her a nervous smile and hoped that I was a good liar. I never really lied to someone in authority before; not like this, anyhow.
After a grueling moment, where I was sure she was going to call for Professor Dumbledore, the professor gave a curt nod. “James, bring your things.”
James scrambled to collect his books and jumped out of his seat. As soon as he was near, I turned around and walked toward the door, closing my eyes and smiling. I did it!
James closed the door behind him and caught up to me. I couldn’t help but laugh. I started out with a few giggles, but after the first one escaped, they came faster and harder. After a moment, I was laughing from the bowels of my stomach, the gasping-for-breath kind of laughter. James looked at me strangely for a moment, unsure of what had just happened, but he began laughing too. I guess it really was contagious.
When the chuckles died down, I wiped my eyes. “Merlin,” I said, a few excess giggles coming out.
“So what’s this emergency, Evans?”
“Emergency?”
“Why you pulled me out of class…”
“Oh. Don’t be mad.” I glanced at him and walked along.
“I don’t like where this is going.” He let out a small, nervous laugh.
“I-I killed Anna.”
“What?”
I knocked into him with my shoulder. “You should’ve seen the look on your face!”
“Merlin, Lily. You almost gave me a heart attack!”
“I just wanted to do something, I dunno, wrong I guess. Skipping class and pulling you out, I mean. We only have a few months left, so I thought, why not? And I planned on telling you later, but I didn’t think you’d believe me. And the next thing I knew, I was knocking on the door.”
James looked down at the ground for a moment and then back at me, grinning and running a hand through his hair. “You really are something else.”
“You know, that’s what they tell me.” I did a shrug meets model pose thing, which I thought was very endearing. I was still trying to win him over, I suppose.
“So you pulled me out of my favorite class to break the rules?”
“Guess I did,” I answered simply.
James whistled, putting his hands in his pockets. “Well, I’m impressed.”
“Good,” I said, more confidently than I felt. I was weak all over. “And if you want, I can give you a private lesson in Muggle Studies. I’m not completely qualified, but my experience is satisfactory.”
“Do you have a resume?”
“Not on paper, but I was a proud Muggle for eleven years.” My hand brushed against his. He didn’t move away. And he was laughing and smiling an awful lot. Good signs? I thought so.
“Wanna go for a walk outside?” he asked. I nodded, following him out the doors into the sunshine. “You know, I have a confession to make.”
“Do you now?” A confession? I can’t say I wasn’t worried. I couldn’t handle much at that point.
He looked at the ground as he walked, not into my eyes at all. “I do like Muggle Studies now…but I really only took it, well, for you.” A little color rose in his cheeks. It was cute.
“For me?” I was honestly surprised, but pleased nevertheless.
“Well, yeah. Back in third year, I-I, you know, had a thing for you. I wanted to understand you, like Snape, and I thought that was the best way.” James practically choked on the word ‘Snape.’
I tilted my head a little, eyes urging him to look at me. He did. He looked up, eyes soft. “Bet you never thought the roles would be reversed, huh?” I asked.
“I hoped…”
“And now?”
James laughed bitterly. “Now, I dunno. I have a girlfriend.” His hands flopped in the air in frustration. “I’m a cheater.”
“No! No, you’re not. We never did anything! Unless it was with someone else…”
James shook his head, clearly thinking that I didn’t understand. Maybe I didn’t.
“I’m an emotional cheater. I’m a thought cheater, if that even makes sense. You don’t know the things I’m thinking. I can’t be around you anymore,” he said flatly. It was a shock, I had to admit. We were having such a good time, and he just had to ruin it all. I didn’t get him out of class to seduce him or anything. I just wanted to talk, to laugh, to enjoy his company.
“I “ okay,” I responded, still recovering from the blow. Maybe I staggered backward or maybe my eyes betrayed my feelings, I don’t know, but his eyes softened a little.
“You know it’s not what I really want.” I blinked at him. “I mean, it may not seem like it because we keep our relationship private, but Anna and I have a connection. I really like her.”
“More than me. Got it.” I pushed a strand of hair behind my ear, suddenly embarrassed and self-conscious. What was with this boy? One second he was acting like the world shone in my eyes, then the next he couldn’t see me? He talked about how he liked me forever, how he sculpted his schedule around me. Then he loved his girlfriend? He was definitely confused and dragging me along for the ride.
“Lily, it’s not like that,” he called, but I was already walking away. “Come on.” He caught up to me. “Lily, you don’t want to be the ‘other woman.’”
I whipped around to face him, eyes looking directly into his. “No, I don’t. And that’s why I am happy to stay away. I don’t chase, James. I don’t know what I have been thinking. If you don’t want me, then I don’t want you either.”
Wow. I couldn’t even believe I said that! I sounded confident, something that I didn’t feel. I liked James. I liked him even though he was choosing his girlfriend over me, even after everything that had happened. I did. But at the same time, I had lost my pride. I had lost my life. It was as if everything revolved around him for the last few weeks. And it didn’t, not really. I was a good person. I was a catch! So if he didn’t want me, that was fine. It was his loss.
“See you,” I said curtly and turned to head back to my dorm. Walking across the cold ground, I felt a little lost. I knew he had a girlfriend. I knew that he was with someone else, but I still thought that I’d win. In the back of my mind, I figured we’d get together, especially after he told me he liked me. I thought it’d all work out, somehow, someway. I was wrong.
Things weren’t really like that, I guessed.
When I was safely and securely in my dorm, I began to cry. I had been a fool. I let myself get wrapped up in James, a boy who had a girlfriend. Stupid, stupid! I thought, burying my face in a soft pillow. Merlin.
He was being ridiculous, I decided. He was being an emotional cheater? I understood that he didn’t want to cheat on his girlfriend. But I wasn’t asking him to cheat on her. I never encouraged that! And I never would! I merely told him how I felt, and if he felt the same, how was that my fault? It wasn’t. Yet he made me feel like it was. James made me feel like I was responsible for his thoughts and feelings. That wasn’t fair.
I feel almost like she doesn’t know me as well as I want her to. James was the one who said that! He was the one who said that we have a connection. Or maybe that was me… I couldn’t remember. But he definitely implied it. James made it seem as though he liked me more than Anna, and then, all of a sudden, he was in love with her?
Slowly, my tears stopped and I lifted myself up. I wasn’t going to let him make me feel bad and I certainly wasn’t going to cry over him. I was going to be the bigger person. If Anna was what he wanted, then he could have her. Who was I to get in the way? I wasn’t going to try to coerce James to dump Anna. He didn’t want to talk to me? Fine. That was his decision and I wasn’t going be the idiot who cared.
I was done with that boy. And it felt good. I had felt hopeless for so long; it felt nice to be angry. I felt like I finally had some control, some power.
Swallow Your Pride by KASK
Chapter Notes: Thank you to my Beta, fg_weasley.
Chapter Endnotes: One more chapter, guys! Thanks for sticking with me and this story!