Later that night, Amy and I were passing through the common room on our way to dinner. I was feeling better but starving, so dinner seemed pretty reasonable. As soon as we entered the room, my eyes roved for James. It was a bit of a nasty habit, one that I couldn’t shake.
I immediately found him in the corner, talking quietly to Sirius. He looked distressed. I almost ached for him.
Sirius must have noticed me looking at them, because he said something to James, and James’ head snapped up. His face lightened and he grinned. No, James. I didn’t come to talk to you, idiot.
Embarrassed at being caught looking, I turned away.
“Lily! Lily!” he called. I didn’t look back, though. I kept walking. He said he didn’t want to talk to me. It was too late to backtrack.
“What’s going on with you lately?” Amy asked after we climbed through the portrait hole.
“What do you mean?” Of course I knew what she meant. I just wasn’t sure I was ready to honestly answer. Everything that happened felt like it was from another life. It just didn’t seem real.
“Come on, Lily. I feel like you’ve been somewhere else for I don’t even know how long. What’s with you and James? I know there’s something. Just tell me.”
I weighed my options. I could deny everything, tell her I’ve just been tired and lie again. Or I could come clean. I could tell her everything that happened with James. I could do what I should have done a long time ago: get some advice.
I sighed. I really just wanted to deny. In some ways, I hated sharing personal things. And I felt like what happened with James and me was very personal. So personal that I didn’t even want to face it, let alone tell people the story.
But I would have wanted any of my friends to tell me the truth. I would’ve wanted to be there for them, so I decided to give them the same privilege.
“After dinner, I’ll tell you and Kara and Mary everything,” I said submissively.
“It’s about time,” Amy said with a nod.
And I did. I started from the beginning, when James saved my life, and progressed. I told them about Anna, swearing them to secrecy. I wasn’t sure why I did. After all, James was a jerk to me. He played with my emotions, even if he didn’t mean to. I shouldn’t have been protecting his relationship. But I felt obligated to. I felt like he deserved something real, even if it wasn’t with me. I felt that I owed it to him.
I continued, telling my friends how I developed a crush on him (even though I was really head over heels). I told them how he told me he liked me, but then wanted to stay with his girlfriend. I told them everything. But it really wasn’t everything. I didn’t tell them how I was crushed, how still got butterflies when I saw him in the common room. I didn’t tell them that I didn’t think I’d ever meet someone like him again. Those thoughts were only for me. I could never have said them out loud.
“If it makes you feel any better, James looks miserable. You should see him. He’s getting what he deserves,” Kara said.
I smiled weakly. Telling the story made me feel very glum.
“You deserve better. You don’t need that prat,” Amy assured.
My gaze trailed to each of my friends, their faces all equally eager to comfort. I didn’t want their comfort, though. I didn’t want any of it. I wanted James. I still wanted James. It was pathetic, but it was true. Maybe I’d want him forever. Maybe, ten years later, I’d still be wondering about him, wondering how different my life would have been if he chose me over Anna. Maybe, when I was eighty and dying, my last thoughts would be of him, how he was the love of my life.
Merlin. Those thoughts were depressing.
I was just so torn. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be the girl I always was “ willful and independent. I didn’t want him to beat me. I didn’t want anyone to beat me. But at the same time, I just wanted to sulk. I wanted to be the girl that got dumped, or whatever I was. I wanted to be sad. I wanted to be broken for a little while.
I sighed, wishing that I hadn’t told the story, wishing I could have kept the whole ordeal to myself for a bit longer.
“I’m going to take a walk,” I finally said after a moment. I slipped on my cloak and shoes and left. I needed to be by myself after all.
I followed the twists and turns of the corridors, unsure of my destiny. I let my mind rest and allowed my feet carry me.
I ended up in front of an abandoned classroom where Severus and I used to meet. I hadn’t thought about the room in months.
I pushed the door open. There were desks and chairs piled on top of one another on one side of the room, a chalkboard and space on the other. It looked just like it did when I used to meet Severus. I guessed some things never changed. Only the people in the scenes did.
I walked around the dusty room, a flood of memories filling me. Severus and I had kissed in this old classroom. It was Valentine’s Day of our first year. I told him I had a present for him, and pecked him on the lips. I can still remember how his skin tinged pink.
I found myself smiling at the memory. After all the bad that had happened between us, I still had those memories of him, of the way he used to be. I kept them close to my heart.
I remembered countless meetings, talking about everything from home to Quidditch to the meaning of life. I remembered promising that we’d always be friends. And as my mind traveled through the years, I remembered arguments and angry words. I remembered laughing as we reconciled and long conversations about our futures. I didn’t think I ever imagined they wouldn’t be intertwined. Not until later, at least.
Those thoughts of Severus filled me with a nostalgic ache.
As I fingered a stain from a potion we had worked on years ago, I jumped at a sound behind me.
Pulling out my wand, I turned around. I couldn’t make out a face, but I recognized the shadow as Severus’. Funny how after so long, I still remembered little things about him.
“Who is that?” he called out, lighting his wand in the dark classroom.
I didn’t answer, for the light revealed my identity.
“Lily?” His voice was unsure, surprised.
“Yes. It’s me.”
He walked into the room, examining me as if he hadn’t seen me in years. His eyes were suspicious. “What are you doing here?” he spat.
“Oh, shove it, Severus. What are you doing here?”
This caught him off guard. Yes, Severus. I do talk to you the way you deserve to be spoken to, I thought bitterly. All my feelings of wistfulness seemed to have been wiped away.
“I asked you first.”
I rolled my eyes. That wasn’t even a real response. “I was just walking and came upon it. I haven’t been here in over a year.”
I shoved my wand back into my pocket. I wouldn’t need it. As terrible as Severus was, he wouldn’t harm me. I was sure of that.
“I “ me too.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You’re lying.” I hopped on a desk.
He shrugged. “Fine. I come here sometimes, to think.” Or to remember? I found myself wondering.
I nodded. “How have you been?”
“All right.”
“Same.”
It was awkward, but I expected as much. It was our first real conversation since we fell apart at the end of fifth year. I couldn’t believe it had been so long. It felt like yesterday we were sitting on the train, going to Hogwarts for the first time.
“I miss you sometimes,” Severus said suddenly. He hadn’t ever been one to tell anyone his feelings, not even me, so his words took me by surprise.
I looked down, avoiding his gaze, unsure how to respond.
“Me too,” I answered after a moment. And I did. Every once in a while, I’d remember some joke we shared, and I’d want to laugh with him. Or something would happen and I’d want to talk to him, to tell him about it. Or I’d see him looking sad, and I’d want to ask him about it. I knew that I would understand, more than anyone else. I knew that I could have made him feel better. “But I don’t regret what happened.” I knew this probably hurt him. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
I nodded. “Sev.” He looked up hopefully. “I’m just sorry the way it all ended. I was really angry…at you. You disappointed me, and I was hurt. But I should have tied things up better, I guess. You deserved that.”
He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it. No words were really fitting.
“I’m going to go,” I said softly, sliding off the desk. Severus looked at me, as if he wanted to say something, as if he wanted to stop me.
But he didn’t. “Bye,” he merely said as I walked out of the door.
I continued to walk around, but my thoughts were suddenly transitioned from James to Severus. It was good for me, though. It reminded me that there was life outside of James. Hearts still beat and the world still revolved.
My legs took me around the castle as I wondered about Severus, wishing that things had ended differently. In a way, I was glad to be rid of him. I was finally able to live my life the way I wanted to. I didn’t have to listen to his negativity, to his opinions, to his jealousy. So I never looked back, not really.
And I felt bad about it. I felt bad about leaving him behind while I moved on. Still, I had to do what was best for me. I couldn’t have looked back, because if I did, I would have turned around for him. Nothing would have changed.
I needed that change.
My mind kept drifting, until something made me stop cold. My heart rose to my throat and I was sure I would throw up.
James. And Anna.
They were kissing “ right in the hallway. I assumed that they were taking their relationship public with me out of their way.
I wanted to sprint out of my skin. I wanted to erase the memory from my mind. I wanted to believe that James could still fancy me. I wanted to be anywhere else on earth. But I was frozen. I couldn’t move; I couldn’t breathe. And I couldn’t stop looking.
I didn’t regain control of my legs until after James spotted me. That’s when I ran for it.
I ran until I was winded, until my legs felt like they were going to fall off. I ran until James and Anna were far behind. It felt good.
When I reached the lake, I collapsed. The earth was thawing, so the ground was soft and wet against my body. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of dirt under me. I didn’t know how long I laid there, the faint sunshine warming my face. It could have been minutes or hours. I neither knew nor cared. It made me feel better.
“Hey.” There was a tap on my foot. “Lily.”
I slowly opened both eyes and sat up. There was James, sitting by my feet.
“What?” I groaned. I didn’t want to deal with him anymore. “Shouldn’t you be kissing Anna or something? Celebrating your new public relationship?”
James gave me a strange look. “We broke up.” He plucked a blade of grass and began to shred it solemnly.
“Sorry,” I mumbled, although I really wasn’t. “What happened?” I figured it’d be best to play it cool. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, although they were already through the roof.
“I dunno. We were really happy for a while, but we’re not right.”
“Why?” I tilted my head, playing the curious friend role. He ate it right up.
He looked at me for a moment, eyes examining every centimeter of my face. “You know why.” Something about the way he said this made the hairs on my arms stand up.
“Remind me.”
“Welllll.” He moved a little bit closer, lifting up my legs and putting them on his lap. “There’s this girl who I’m kinda crazy about. Anna can’t really compare to that.”
I smiled. “What’s this girl like?” I played into his game.
“She’s pretty beautiful, especially in the mud.” He reached out and tucked a piece of my matted hair behind my ear. “She thinks she’s crazy, and I think she might be right. And she makes me laugh. I could talk to her all night, and I have a few times.” His fingertips brushed over my cheeks, and he leaned in. “I was kind of a jerk though, and I’m not sure if she’ll forgive me.”
I was leaning in too, my hands exploring his face. “If I recall, she owes you. You did save her life.”
James laughed lightly. “From an uncertain drowning in an icy lake, I recall.”
I grinned, wondering if this was what some people waited their whole lives for. I couldn’t help but think it was. I had found it. I was lucky.
Sitting there with James was the end, I was sure. After all the craziness and crisis, it all paid off. There was a light at the end of the tunnel and this was it. This was my happy ending.
While I contemplated all of this, James leaned in and his lips gently brushed mine. Sparks flew.
“I don’t want to rush into anything,” he said firmly. “But I’m yours.” I smiled. I smiled because it was really happening. James and I were really sitting together, on the outskirts of forever, both free to be with each other. It was the best feeling in the world, almost unreal.
And to think, I could have missed it. My stubbornness, my pride, all of it, had been blocking my happiness. Not anymore.
I hated to be the boyfriend stealer. It wasn’t like me, and I was sorry. But, as I kissed James in the mud that day, I reckoned that I’d marry him. It only made sense. I couldn’t steal him away from his girlfriend without a serious commitment! Plus, my father loved being right, so marriage seemed vital to his happiness.
(Our baby is due in August.)