Chapter 1
Ginny pushed her peas around her plate, more silent than the others at the table. She mutedly accepted the bouillabaisse Fleur offered her and tried to dish some of the stew into her bowl as best she could without looking up. She knew that if her eyes lifted from her plate slightly too high, she would see into those emerald eyes, and even a fleeting glance could not be afforded.
Harry Potter had already tried three times that day to talk to Ginny alone, and each time, she had managed to slip away with some convenient help from the Order. After all, didn’t everyone want to offer some piece of advice to the Boy Who Lived? The Boy Who May Not Survive Tomorrow?
The first time he tried to get her alone, she had followed him innocently into the kitchen. However, she had soon regretted it in when he spun around to look at her with serious green eyes that seemed to contain remorse and determination. It was then, luckily, that Fred and George had swooped into the kitchen to laden Harry with more Decoy Detonators.
She knew what Harry wanted to do, and she would not let him. She would not let him discard her, the girl whom loved him more than life itself, here while he risked his life for the Wizarding world, those who had ridiculed him when he had needed the most support. She would not sit by idly as Harry entered You-Know-Who’s territory with the Order and most of her family.
“Ginny?” The low hum of conversation around the table faded into the background.
“Hmm?” Ginny had forgotten she was at the dinner table and feebly nibbled on some fish. Relieved to find a reason to turn away from those eyes that were so keen on capturing her attention, she twisted to look at Hermione.
Hermione lowered her voice so only Ginny could hear, “Harry wants to speak to you after dinner, he says.”
Ginny stiffened. Clever, Harry. “Thank you, Hermione,” she replied as offhandedly as she could. She could almost feel the piercing gaze on her and struggled to compose herself. Finding the need to do something with her hands before she could give in to her sudden desire to hex the boy a few seats down, she lifted her bowl of stew and drank greedily, concentrating abnormally hard on the bottom of the porcelain that shielded her from everyone at the table.
Dinner was over too soon. The sounds of chairs scraping the floor and of china clinking together seemed amplified to Ginny, but she calmly stood up as well and deliberately shuffled slowly to the sink to place her dishes in the sink. She would’ve offered to wash the large pile, but that would’ve been too obvious.
Someone gently touched her elbow. Hermione smiled at her encouragingly, though her eyes betrayed her feelings; she knew. “He’s in your room.”
Ginny put down the dishrag and made her way to the stairs. She had known this day would come, but still, she wasn’t as steeled for this as she had hoped she’d be. She grabbed the railing for support and pulled herself onto the first step. Climbing the three flights of stairs would be harder than she imagined.
Fight hard on a night like this
Look for a star and wish
You could get out of it.
By the time she reached the first landing, she had replayed in her mind all the afternoons she and Harry had enjoyed in Hogwarts and at the Burrow. She remembered his feather-light touches on her arms, shoulders, and belly. She relived his butterfly kisses that seemed to chase away all the dark thoughts that invaded her mind at night. She closed her eyes as she felt his warm breath on her ear as he whispered sweet nothings that relaxed her in a way no one else could.
She was halfway up to the second landing when she bumped into her brother. Ron looked unnecessarily aggravated, and his ears turned pink as he caught sight of her sister. He glanced away quickly, unable to meet her blank stare. He knew too and had probably had a row with Harry in a futile attempt to protect his sister. He mumbled something unintelligibly as he squeezed by.
The door to her room was open, the light streaming out onto the third landing. She climbed the last few steps with mixed emotions. Was she furious he wouldn’t let her go with him? Was she frustrated he was treating her like a fragile doll? Was she worried about what would happen to him tomorrow? Was she hurt he didn’t trust her enough to accompany him?
A dozen questions ran through her head, but she knew they would not be answered. Not unless she confronted the person she least wanted to see. Control yourself, Ginevra, she thought bitterly, what were you expecting, wedding bells to ring? Frankly, she was. She had wanted to grow old with Harry, even though it might have been impossible. She had wanted to be with him for the rest of her life. She sighed impatiently at herself.
She entered her familiar room. Harry had his back to her as he stared out her window. She took a few breaths to steady herself, but she could feel the stinging behind her eyes already.
“Harry?”
He whipped around; he had known it was her, but years of Quidditch training had honed his reflexes. She had caught him off-guard, that much she knew as she saw a glimpse of agony flitter across his face when he saw her. But it was gone just as quickly as it came. She closed the door gently, fighting back the impulse to slam it in an effort to keep out all her troubles.
“Ginny. I “ “ No matter how much she suspected he’d practiced for this moment, he, too, seemed nervous and unsure of how to go on. “I’m not good for you, Ginny.”
The tingling sensation behind her eyes intensified. “I have no idea what you mean,” she replied more tartly than she had intended.
Harry seemed to be pleading with Ginny to make it easier. “You do. I…My future isn’t guaranteed, and you need someone “ someone stable. Someone who is safe to be around.”
Ginny felt her anger flare. “Harry, I took that from you during Dumbledore’s funeral.” Even she flinched from the severity of her tone. “I would’ve thought you had realized by now, after all your time here with me, that we…we are right.” Ginny struggled to find the right word and settled finally with the only word that could truly sum up the past few months.
Harry ran his fingers in his hair; obviously this wasn’t going as planned. “Look, Ginny, there’s only a slight chance I’d survive,” Ginny didn’t miss the shiver that ran through his body, “and that sort of suffering, the pain of losing someone close, isn’t worth it.”
Ginny’s fury mounted. “Losing you as a friend isn’t any different from losing you as a boyfriend, Harry!” she shouted, no longer able to reign in her emotions. “I understood that separating from each other last time was for my safety, my family’s safety. But, now, on the eve of the most terrifying battle in history…Harry, you should be seeking me out rather than turning me away!”
Harry’s eyes flashed with anger. “This is for the best,” he said, his voice strained. “Ending our relationship before…before my death will make it easier for you to move on.” His eyes softened with sadness. “You don’t have to wait for me.”
Bite down and then pray, pray, pray
You'll make it through this to sing and say
You hold life dear
Ginny couldn’t recover fast enough to reply before Harry continued. “You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, Ginny, while I,” he chuckled mirthlessly, “I was doomed to die at Voldemort’s hands before I was even born. If that’s right, then someone’s been spending a bit too much time with Fred and George.
“However, I don’t regret our time together, Ginny. You’ve shown me more love than I could ever have imagined. When I’m with you, I forget I hadn’t known love growing up. I forget Voldemort could be just round the corner. I forget the pressures of being the Chosen One.
“Hermione told me about the nightmares. I’m to blame for them, I know. I’ve caused all this needless worry and horror that you shouldn’t have to suffer through. So stop torturing yourself, Ginny, and put all this behind you.” His emerald eyes were so solemn, filled to the brim with tears he would never cry. Ginny could only stare speechlessly. “If only we weren’t who we are.” Harry awkwardly smiled before fumbling toward the door.
As the door clicked shut behind him, Ginny crumpled to the floor of her brightly lit bedroom.
Moments turn to hours that become years...
And now I'm
Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there.
End notes: This chapter was written July 18, 2007. Nothing from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows has or will be incorporated into this story.
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