I want you to know
I love you this much
And I'm waiting on you,
To make up your mind:
Do you love me too?
He was always touching her.
Sometimes it was an arm thrown possessively around her shoulder. Other times it was a hand lightly touching the small of her back. Often it was simply his hand holding hers. And he was always leaning down to whisper something into her ear, his cheek brushing her curls, his nose touching her cheek. Now and then he would pull her into his lap, or run his hands through her hair, tangling his fingers in the curls. And he never went more than a few minutes without kissing her â” her shoulder, or her hand, or her check, or her forehead, or most often, her lips.
He was always touching her.
And it made Severus sick to watch it. It made him sick to see that filthy, arrogant fool never more than a few feet from Lily. Severus loved to simply watch Lily. He loved to watch her brilliant, fly-away, crimson curls bob up and down as she talked with unending enthusiasm. She was always so animated, splaying her hands about, making face after face. Severus loved those faces, and he loved her uncountable freckles, and her tiny, white fingers, and her tiny, petite frame, and most of all, he loved those glorious green eyes, bright as candle flame, deep as pools of lake water, brilliant as heaven.
But now he couldnât watch her without seeing James Potter there too, with his fingers in those curls, and his chest pressed up against her small back as she leaned into him right where they stood, and her cute, little fingers occasionally jumping up to run through his unruly, ridiculous black mop, and his silly round spectacles and silly, stupid face holding the attention of those glorious green eyes.
James Potter was always touching Lily, ever since theyâd begun dating five months ago, and it made Severus positively ill. Even when Lily had stopped talking to Severus and had started to make a point of ignoring him over a year ago, she had given a cold shoulder to Potter as well.
Until suddenly they were talking, and laughing, and chummy as Head Girl and Head Boy, and suddenly the school was buzzing with the latest and juiciest gossip â” Lily Evans had finally said yes to a date with James Potter. And then suddenly they were a couple.
And he was always touching her.
After a few months of torture, Severus had trained himself not to look at his beautiful Lily. It had been the only thing he had left of Lily, looking at her. He never got to hear her talk to him anymore, or laugh with him; he never rated a dazzling smile from her anymore; he could never confide in her, or spend a lazy afternoon with her anymore. But he had still been able to look at her â“ until now. Now, when he traveled certain corridors and arrived to class at certain times, all in the name of not looking at Lily Evans, and not seeing the boy who always stood beside her, touching her.
But it was inevitable that he would see her every now in then, that every once in a while, Severus would have to watch in sickening horror as James Potter rated a smile from Lily, and heard her laugh, and talked to her and confided her and god damn it, touched her.
And this was one of those inevitable, once-in-a-while moments. He had darted from Charms class as soon it was over, only to realize he had left the Potions book he had been writing in behind â” and there was no way he could leave it there. As he approached the classroom, he heard voices, and laughter â” her laughter . . . and his too, together, right inside the classroom. Steeling himself to keep his head low, nab in, grab his book, and escape without issue, Severus didnât get past the doorway.
Lily was sitting up on a desk, her small legs dangling off. It would have been a nice sight, if James Potter hadnât been pushed up against her between her legs, his hands gripping her waist, her hands thread throughout his hair, and their lips pressed together. Couldnât they have done this earlier when he was still out in the corridor, readying himself to come in, instead of laughing and talking? Did he really have to see this? Something in his gut twisted painfully.
And then Potter had to be a git and make it all worse by lovingly trailing kisses across her jaw and down to her neck. Lilyâs face rested atop his shoulder as his lips slipped across her neck without pause, and Severus could see her face clearly. Her eyes were closed, her checks were flushed, and her lips were parted slightly in a breathless smile. She was an angel in heaven. She was heaven.
It made Severus nearly ill to think that Potter had done that to her expression â” and yet, seeing that face was bound to be the highlight of his day. And he found himself watching in a mixture of sickness and hunger, of repulsion and fascination. He just stood there in the doorway, in plain sight should either of the couple choose to take notice of him, watching as, to his horror, Potterâs hands managed to pull Lilyâs blouse out from her skirt and slip under the white fabric.
Lily pulled away from James for a moment, saying breathlessly, âWe canât do this here! What if someone walks in?â
âThat makes it all the more exciting, love,â was the quick reply James gave, before continuing to kiss her earnestly, and Severus fancied in revulsion that he saw Potterâs tongue slip into her mouth.
âBut James,â Lily tried again, and Severus could see it was taking quite a bit of effort for her to pull away from him, and even more so for her to keep him away, âit would be so embarrassing if someone saw us â”â
âKissing?â supplied James. âSay, thatâs a brilliant idea!â and his lips were on hers once more. At first it seemed Lily would resist, but apparently it was too much, and she gave a little giggle of defeat and, while Severus watched with wide eyes, kissed him back, her hands wandering beneath his shirt.
It just went on and on. How were they even breathing anymore? Severus suspected he could even grab his potions book from the nearby desk and be gone without either of the snogging duo any the wiser. Yet someone somewhere powerful hated him, and he was rooted to the spot.
âJames â”â Lily began, when Severus saw Potterâs hands travel upward underneath her blouse. ââ” I donât want to â”â
âWeâre just kissing, Lils, I promise,â assured James between kisses, and, true to his word, his hands went no further than what Severus estimated was her ribcage. Relief flushed through Severus at the words, he didnât want to imagine James and Lily â”
âYou know I want to wait â”â Lily tried again. And James laughed. Severus was dismayed. How could she honestly want to date that grimy, conceited, prat? But then James was pulling away from Lily slightly, and cupping her cheeks in her hands.
âUntil youâre married,â James finished for her, running his thumbs across her pink cheeks, and Severus could hear the smile in his voice. âAnd Iâm just fine with that. After all,â James face had turned slightly, and Severus could see his expression now, could see his cocky grin, and he silently seethed at the sight, âyouâre going to marry me.â Lily laughed.
âIs that so?â she asked, tilting her head and making a face at him. âAnd what if I donât want to marry you?â
âBah,â James waved a hand in the air. âYou have no say in the matter.â Lily rolled her eyes in exaggeration, and Severus felt a pang somewhere inside him. It was such a familiar gesture to him â” yet it wasnât for him. âAnd besides,â continued James. âDo you really think I would deflower you in the Charms classroom? What if Professor Flitwick walked in? Do you know how embarrassing that would be?â Lily gave a little gasp and swatted James on the arm.
âYou are a prat,â she declared. He only grinned. And now Severus was really ready to leave. The last thing he needed right now â” or ever, honestly â” was to listen to James and Lily flirt. It. Was. Revolting.
âTrust me, Lils,â James murmured softly, his voice and face both suddenly gentler. âI could go on simply kissing you all day long. You know I love you, right?â It was so sappy Severus was sure he would lose his lunch. Why hadnât he left yet?
âLove you too,â Lily gave in brief reply, as the two had already begun kissing again. Soon Lilyâs eye drooped shut, and Severus was locked in position, unable to turn away, watching them snog. And then, as James kissed her neck again, her face turned to Severus, and her closed eyes opened. And the green globes found his stupefied face in an instant, and their eyes locked, and Severus was helpless to do anything as she stared at him.
Even if they hadnât been friends in over a year, Severus knew in a second what the look on her face meant. Grateful that she would give him a moment to leave, that she wasnât turning Potter on him â” although Severus would have been happy to give a good hex to the bastard â” he finally spun on his heel and sped far from the room. He would just have to get his book later.
His classes were over for the day, and Severus soon found himself wandering to the Slytherin Common Room, and up to his dorm, and onto his bed. He lay there motionlessly, staring up at the ceiling, trying to recall the details of Lilyâs hair, and face, and laughter, and desperately trying to blot out the accompanying details of James Potter.
When Lily had first gotten upset with him and declared their friendship over, Severus had been angry, but sure it wouldnât last. She had a temper, this had happened before. She would apologize; everything would be okay. Yet she did not apologize, she did not do anything but ignore him, and after a few months he confronted her, and she turned away from him point blank. And then he had been furious, and decided that he didnât want her friendship. Not when she couldnât accept him for who he was. Couldnât she understand that he called her friend Josie a Mudblood but not her because she was different? Because she was better?
Couldnât she understand that nothing was as black and white as she made it out to be? It had made him fume, and after his unsuccessful confrontation with her that day over winter break, he returned to Hogwarts determined to treat her the way she insisted on being treated â” like another worthless Mudblood.
And then he had seen her eating breakfast, and he had watched her studying in the library with her friends, and participating in the huge Gryffindor snowball fight, and he hadnât been able to stop watching her. It wasnât long before he gave up trying to pretend he hated her. And it was clear as glass now that there was no way he hated her, quite the opposite really.
Because lying there on his bed, alone in his dorm, he closed his eyes, and he could see Lily on the desk, he could see her breathless expression â” but James wasnât kissing her. He was. His eyes flew open. He had considered her his best friend for years, but he had never really thought about her that way . . . sure, he knew she was gorgeous, and he had noticed it more and more in sixth and seventh year . . . but still.
It was painfully obvious now. And honestly, hadnât it only been a matter of time? He closed his eyes again, but this time it wasnât the kissing in the classroom he saw. It was James and Lily out swimming in the lake with that monstrosity Black, and the dirty werewolf, and a few of Lilyâs friends, Josie something or other, and Gaby Fried-something. It was months ago, right before it turned cold, when Lily and James first began dating.
And Severus could see vividly behind his closed eyes the sight of Lily in a modest blue bathing suit, being tackled in the water by a bare-chested James. And for some unknown reason, the sight of Lily running her hands across Potterâs chest was an even easier image for Severus to recall.
He opened his eyes once more, and pushed himself to his feet, crossing the room to a dirty, full length mirror on the far wall. For what could have been two, three minutes, he stared at his reflection, at his sloping, slumped shoulders, sunken eyes, and sickly face. Slowly, he shrugged off his robe, and pulled his stained t-shirt up over his arms, tossing it to the ground. His chest was thin and pale; his arms thin as sticks, white and weak. He had no chest hair, he had no muscle â” he might as well be a seven-year-old girl.
James Potter had muscle. His chest was tanned and toned, had a layer of dark curls. What would Lily want to do with Severus when she could have James Potter? Severus flexed his arms. There was nothing to see. He rarely cared about appearance â” Lily had never commented on the way he looked. She had never teased him for his small frame, pale face, and greasy hair, the way almost everyone else did.
That was part of what was so great about her â” she was better than all of them, she saw more to a person. Even as he thought it, Severus scowled to himself. He sounded like a little girl. It wasnât bad enough that he looked like one, now he had to sound like one too. Of course Lily cared about appearance â” she was a girl; didnât they all?
Yet at the same time . . . when had she ever acted as though appearance meant anything to her in anyone? What if she was only with Potter because she fancied him brave, because she had been misguided to believe him something of a hero? Lily had always held much store by bravery and heroism. If only he could show her that he was a better match for her than Potter. He knew she didnât care about appearance, or about Gryffindor and Slytherin â” if only he could make her realize that they were a good team, they had been since they were little children, and nothing else mattered.
If he could just make her listen to him . . . maybe then . . . if he could make her see that James Potter was nothing more than a conceited, overdone lie, that he, Severus, would take care of her more than Potter ever could. . . . Severus quickly dressed, his mind set.
He was always touching her.
But if Severus got his say, heâd make sure James Potter never touched her again.
âEr . . . Lils?â
âMmm,â Lily replied to her friend, not taking her eyes off the large book in front of her. She wanted to finish this essay this afternoon, and not have to worry about it all weekend. âOne second,â she added, flipping a page in the book, her eyes not missing a beat and still scanning the lines, looking for a few more tidbits to tie the essay together.
âLily . . . ?â
âOne sec, Jo,â said Lily, taking up a Quill and quickly scratching out another line to her paper. It was already two inches longer than required; Sirius would tease her if he was here, but still, she couldnât end it the moment it reached the mandatory length â” it needed to have a proper conclusion.
âLily!â
What is it, Josie?â Lily finally exclaimed, looking up from her book and scroll, tossing down her Quill and glaring at her friend.
âHello Lily.â At the sound of his voice Lily froze, her eyes round as an owlâs. She looked pleadingly at Josie across the table, and her dark-haired friend shrugged helplessly in reply, twisting one of her bouncy, black curls around her finger.
âI tried to warn you,â murmured Josie softly, purposely looking down at her own essay, and leaving Lily to deal with the boy behind her.
âIs there something I can do for you?â Lily asked with a cool and detached voice, not turning around to look at him. Her mind was working faster than Jamesâs new broomstick, the one he had rambled on and on about with unimaginable earnestness a few weeks ago. What could he possibly want? Was this about what he had seen a few hours ago? What could he possibly have to say? Was he going to apologize for being a terribly nosy git? He was lucky she hadnât let James see him; he would have been beaten to a pulp if she had.
âCan we talk?â he asked hesitantly. Lily glanced again at Josie, whose dark eyes met hers for a moment, and whose thin eyebrows rose on her forehead as if to say, well, say something! But she offered no actual advice. Lily sent her a look to share her annoyance over that fact, before carefully picking up her Quill and returning to her essay.
âWhat could we possibly have to talk about?â asked Lily after leaving him in tense silence for a moment, writing out another line as she spoke. âPerhaps youâd like to discuss your Peeping Tom habits?â It was a low blow, Lily knew, but she couldnât help herself. She hadnât heard or seen anything from Severus in months, and all of the sudden heâs gaping shamelessly at her snogging her boyfriend. How long had he even been standing there? It made something inside Lily hot and bothered.
âI was hoping . . . maybe, we could talk in, you know, â” private?â Again, Lily looked to Josie. This time her friend gave a reply, nodding her head to the library doors.
âGo on,â she said softly, adding a small smile at the end. Lily returned the smile, before dropping her Quill once more and standing up from the table. Josie had been the only one of her friends who had never questioned her friendship with Severus when they were younger. Josie had been the only one of her friends who hadnât pressured her to date James from day one. And Josie had been the friend she had told first when she stopped talking to Severus, and when she started dating James.
âLead the way,â Lily muttered to Severus, who, pushing back a greasy lock from his face and glancing uneasily at her from the corner of his eye, nodded his head and headed out of the library with a slight twitch of nerves to his step. Lily trailed uncertainly behind, all the way to an empty classroom.
She jumped up onto a desk, crossing her arms over her chest and swinging her legs slightly. Severus only stared at her, his dark eyes unreadable. And Lily quickly became aware of her seating position, and what Severus had seen earlier. Her first thought was to jump down, but she didnât want to make him aware of her position if he wasnât already â” instead she only cleared her throat and shifted awkwardly. âWhat is this about, Severus?â she pressed.
âI wanted to . . .â He didnât seem to have anything to say past that. Lily raised her eyebrows at him, staring him down. She hadnât talked to him in months, and a small part of her was curious to know what he was thinking. What had he been up to lately? How was his home life? It had never been brilliant before. And then she remembered the friends he had. And she remembered reading the Daily Prophet that morning, and all the mentions of Death Eaters, and Voldemort, and mass killings. âI wanted to apologize.â
âApologize?â Lily didnât try and hide her surprise. She hadnât known what he would say, but that hadnât even been on her list of possibilities. âApologize for what?â
âFor a lot of things,â answered Severus, starting to pace anxiously, not looking at her. âFor walking in on you and watching you the way I did â” but for more than that too!â he added in when Lily opened her mouth to say something, stopping her before she could begin. âI wanted to say sorry for . . . alienating you, and for ruining our friendship.â
Lily wanted to say something. She really did. But she was literally speechless. Months and months of nothing, and then this? What was he playing at, anyway? Was he even sincere? When he had first mentioned seeing her, she had been sure this was an attack on James â” she had expected that to come a lot sooner. She had expected when they first started dating that Severus would protest. But he hadnât . . . until now.
âI mean, we were best friends for years!â he went on earnestly, finally turning to look at her, his face surprisingly bright. âAnd then, just because we had different friends, we stopped being friends. And it shouldnât be that way!â
âSeverus â”â Lily finally spoke up.
âNo, just let me finish â”â he protested, but she did not.
âSeverus! Weâre not going to do this â” weâve already done this!â she exclaimed. âThis isnât just about your friends. This is about you. We were best friends when we were little, but weâve changed â” the both of us, but you especially. We have different beliefs, and different lives now, itâs that simple â”â
âBut Lily â”â
âIâm done,â Lily cut him off again, jumping down from the desk. She couldnât help but wonder how him seeing her kiss James had triggered this, but she didnât want whatever this was to continue. It had been painful enough for her to watch her friend go over to the dark side, for lack of a better expression. But she had moved on. He needed to as well. âGoodbye, Severus.â
âWait!â he called out desperately, grabbing her arm to stop her from leaving the room. âPlease, just listen to me!â Lily shot him an annoyed glare, her eyes darting to her arm and back to his face. He quickly released her arm as if it were on fire, and she brought it to her chest, rubbing it with her other hand. âPlease,â he pleaded softly. âJust listen.â
She should have just walked away. Every bone in her body was telling her to simply turn around and leave. But instead she gave a little sigh. âIâm listening,â she murmured, looking to him with a ready and open expression. He better not make her regret this.
âYou say we have too different beliefs,â Severus began, his hands nearly shaking, his eyes large and anxious, yet clearly desperate to make his point while she was willingly listening. âBut not on the things that really matter!â
âSeverus,â said Lily, giving him a look of disbelief. She couldnât help herself.
âNo, really! James, heâs the one with different beliefs, he â”â
âNo,â Lily interrupted sharply, her eyes flashing. âI agreed to listen to what you had to say about our friendship, not to listen to you have a go at James. If thatâs all weâre here for, Iâm going to dinner.â
âHeâs not good for you!â exclaimed Severus, looking a little shocked at his own outburst, but carrying on nonetheless. âYou have to know that! I mean, you hated him when we were younger, whatâs changed since then? Heâs not good for you!â he repeated.
And that quickly, Lily was furious. He had come to take a shot at James. For a single moment, for one brief, bright moment, she had really believed perhaps he had come to ask forgiveness for the stupid things he had been doing, and for the stupid people he had been spending his time with, and maybe, just maybe â” but no. He had come here to insult James. He had changed since they were children, and he would not change back.
âDonât you get it?!â Lily fired out when Severus opened his mouth to speak again. âPeople change, Severus! People grow up! They donât stay ten years old forever and ever! They grow older, and they mature, and they come into their own beliefs, and they change. Youâve changed, and so has James. He played awful pranks when we were younger â”â
âIt was more than that!â Severus cut in indignantly. Lily was not to be stopped. He wanted to talk? Fine, it was his turn to listen to her talk.
âBut he grew up!â she plowed right on, her eyes aflame, daring him to interrupt again. âHe was immature when we were younger, and he was arrogant. But he grew up! He learned when enough was enough, and he became someone to be proud of. Heâs a good friend to Sirius, Remus, and Peter, heâs been taking care of his mother since his father died, heâs ready to fight Voldemort, heâs a good man, and heâs not the boy he was. Heâs changed! And you have too, Severus, but not the same way; donât you see? James changed for the better, but you â” youâve become â”â
âSomeone canât change like that!â insisted Severus, his voice rising. Lily couldnât believe this was really happening. She had imagined the conversation they would have about James before, she had wondered what Severus would say â” she had always been sure he would eventually say something â” but now that it was happening. . . .âJames Potter is a conceited, foolish cad, and he always will be, Lily! Canât you see that? Canât you see how bad he is for you? Heâll only hurt you, Lily, heâll only hurt you!â
âHe wonât hurt me, because he loves me!â Lily shouted, losing control, heat rising to her face in anger. âAnd I love him too! And no matter what you say,â Severus was shaking his head at her, âit wonât change that. I love him, Severus,â she held her voice steady now, her eyes locking with his, âI love him.â
âYou canât,â Severus whispered at first, before more loudly, âyou canât!â
âWhy not?â demanded Lily acidly, her whole face glowing in anger, her eyes smoldering, and her breath coming ragged.
âBecause he canât love you as much as I do!â
And Lily could only gape at him.
âItâs the truth, Lily,â Severus went on quickly, as though to salvage what he had said, âI do love you; I always have. I may not have realized it when we were younger, and I may have taken you for granted â” but I never will again, Lily, I promise you!â
âSeverus,â Lily shook her head. She wanted to be angry with him. She was angry with him. She did not deserve to have this put on her. But the look on his face â” the earnestness, the hopefulness â” âIâm sorry, but I â” I love James.â
âBut he doesnât really love you, Lily. Remember how we used to talk about the way he lusted after you, not loved you? I really love you, Lily, Iâll take care of you the way he never will! Please â”â and his hands reached forward to grab her hands.
She stepped out of his reach, still shaking her head.
âYou donât know what youâre saying,â Lily told him, using all her might to keep her voice steady. She was eighteen. She was mature. She would make him realize how wrong he was. She would be civil about this. She would be kind about this. She would not lose control.
âHe leaves flowers on my pillow, and little notes in my books that say âI love youâ and âI miss youâ and âyouâre prettyâ and âyouâre my everythingâ and this is even after five months of dating. He calls me the most ridiculous names, I donât know how he even comes up with them â” Buttercup, and Bunny, and Peanut, and Beautiful, and Bumblebee, and Muffin, and â” and the way he looks at me, no oneâs ever looked at me that way before. And he never puts any pressure on me; he can always cheer me up â”â
âBut he wonât forever!â persisted Severus. âI will, Lily, you have to listen to me â” he canât love you the way I can. He canât!â
âBut he does,â said Lily, and completely unbidden, tears sprang to her eyes, as if something inside her had finally broken. Was this really happening? Honestly? This suddenly? This quickly? âHe does love me, and heâs honestly the sweetest, greatest person Iâve ever known, Severus, and you canât just â”â
He didnât let her finish, but grabbed her arm instead, and pulled her to him, pushing his lips to hers. For a moment Lily was frozen in shock, his lips pressed against hers awkwardly, before her hands rose to his chest and she shoved him away, staring at him in fury and disbelief, tears now streaming down her face, her anger completely surfaced, ready to rear its head at him. âWhat are you doing? God, Severus â”â
âWhat the â”?!â Lily and Severus both whirled around to find Sirius standing in the doorway of the classroom, staring at them in shock. His eyes traveled from Lily, upset and crying, to Severus, looking desperate, and quickly fire built up in his face, and he spat angrily, âWhat are you doing, Snape?â
âNone of your business!â hissed Severus. âGet out!â and he turned back to Lily, and his voice softened, and he reached for her again, saying, âLily, please, ignore him. Heâs just as bad as James and he â”â Lily pulled out of his reach again. Somewhere along the line her head had begun pounding, and she couldnât think, and she didnât want to deal with this right now.
âNo, Severus, no!â she shrieked. âIâm in love with James, and you canât change that! I donât love you! Iâm sorry!â she cried. She didnât know what to feel. This wasnât supposed to happen. She had never wanted to do this to him; she didnât want to see that look on his face. But she didnât deserve this! She had never led him on; she had never purposely hurt him. Who was he to put this on her? How dare he?!
âLily,â he murmured softly, a plea still ringing in his voice and shining from his face as he reached for her and this time captured her arm. She attempted to pull away, but his grasp was tight, and she stumbled, banging her knee against the desk. And that was the final straw â” Sirius stormed into the room.
âDonât touch her!â he roared.
âStay out of this, Black!â snarled Severus at Sirius, adding to Lily with a gentler voice, âAre you okay?â Lily didnât answer; Sirius had taken a hold of her, and was pulling her way from Severus. Lily knew it couldnât end like this -- that she couldnât just leave Severus here -- that she had to make him realize that what she and James had wasnât a passing thing, and he couldnât change that -- and she had never meant to hurt him -- and he had no right to do this to her -- and she didnât deserve to have this weight on her shoulders -- but Sirius was wrapping his arms around her, and he was shepherding her away, murmuring soothingly into her hair, âitâs alright, Lils.â
âYou stay away from her,â Sirius threatened Severus, âor Merlin, I swear Iâll . . .â he never finished the threat, but his tone of voice was enough.
And as she left the room with Sirius, Lily looked back at Severus, standing there with slumped shoulders, his dark eyes wide and sad, and his expression lost, as if he couldnât understand where he had gone so terribly wrong.
To Be Continued. . .
A/N: Originally this was simply a very long one-shot. However, there is apparently a maximum word length on chapters, so I had to split it into two chapters. The second half is already written and should be posted soon. Please review!
Title derived - and the lyrics at the beginning - from the song "I Love You This Much" by Jimmy Wayne.
I Love You This Much by MagEd
Chapter Notes: Ever since book seven, the dynamics of James, Lily, and Snape have been swirling through my head. This is the result.