He hurried down the corridor bustling with students, ignoring them as they called out his name, even when they spoke of Quidditch. He was hungry for dinner, he had a downright appalling amount of homework to do, and he was unbelievably tired â” but he couldnât think about any of that right now. Not after what Sirius had just told him.
He could see them sitting beneath the old willow, and he crossed the grounds toward them with long, hurried strides. When he was close enough to hear them, however, he stopped, suddenly wanting to listen before he spoke.
âHow dare he,â cried Lily, âhow dare he?! I mean, what did I do to deserve this â” Iâll tell you what: nothing! I did nothing! And the way he was looking at me,â she ranted on, âas though this was my fault, as though I had personally offended him, and oh â” Josie, I didnât mean to hurt him!â
Lily was pacing under the tree, wringing her hands and looking caught between bursting into tears and screaming until eardrums all across Hogwarts were blasted. Josie sat on the ground with her back to the old tree, her arms holding her knees to her chest, her face full of concern as she listened patiently to Lilyâs crazed, frenzied rant. âI mean, this is just â” this is just unbelievable!â Lily exclaimed. She didnât see James standing a few feet away, watching them intently, but Josie quickly took notice.
Locking eyes with James, Josie asked an oblivious Lily, âbut you donât love him, right?â
âOf course I donât love him!â Lily replied, exasperated, âIâm in love with James, for Merlinâs sake! But no matter how many times I told him that he just insisted that I couldnât possibly, really love James and, do you know,â Lilyâs voice grew to the point of hysteria, âhe actually kissed me â” kissed, like, on the lips!â
âSo he did kiss you? Sirius wasnât playing at anything?â James hadnât meant to startle her, but when she turned to face him it was with a white face, a gaping mouth, and wide eyes. âAnd did he really hurt you too?â He couldnât believe this was happening. As soon as he made sure Lily was okay, he was going to beat that slime ball until he couldnât walk.
âOh, James, heâ”â and then she burst into tears. Quick as a dart, James pulled her into his arms and there she continued to sob, quickly soaking Jamesâs shirt. Josie gave James an encouraging nod and discreetly stood and left. James murmured comforting words and sounds into Lilyâs mane of dark red hair for a few more minutes, running his hand up and down her back consolingly.
Slowly, Lilyâs sobs subsided, and she sank to the ground, pulling her knees to her chest as Josie had done, while James sat down and let his legs lay sprawled out in front of him. Lily swatted at her eyes, a slight blush rising in her neck and ears as James calmly watched her, not saying a word but letting concern bounce off every feature of his face. His fingers were picking at the grass and pulling up blade after blade only to drop them and leave them lying sadly on top of the rest of the grass, their green colouring soon to leave them. Sirius hadnât given him many details, though, granted, heâd run off in search of Lily before Sirius could give him many details. And now that he was here, he didnât want to pressure Lily . . . and yet â” what had happened?
âJosie and I were in the library,â Lily began after a pause, answering his silent question, âand Severus asked to talk to me in private. I had no idea what I would say, but I thought it only polite to hear him out. We havenât talked in months and months, and the last time we did â” well â” letâs just say it didnât end well.â She let out a frustrated and yet wistful sigh, and James took her hands in his, running his thumb over the back of her hand. It never failed to amaze him how soft her skin was, even on her hands.
âHe led me to an empty classroom, and he said he wanted to apologize for pushing me away, and for wrecking our friendship â” and then the next thing I know, heâs telling me you donât really care about me, and youâre no good for me, and youâre only going to hurt me, and then â” that you canât love me as much as he does. God, he loves me. What was I supposed to say, James?â
âI would make a joke,â replied James hesitantly, âbut I canât really think of a good one. Iâll get back to you in a few minutes.â It was the best he could do, and it managed to extract a weak smile from Lily.
âI told him I loved you, and that I was sorry, but I didnât love him, but he â” he just wouldnât listen. He kept on insisting that you were no good, and that he would love me more, and then he kissed me. I pushed him away and thatâs when Sirius walked in.â
The words had hardly left her mouth before James asked rather worriedly, âWhen did he hurt you?â He couldnât help himself. It was bad enough that Snape had to go and confess love to her, and kiss her, but to hurt her? It made his blood boil at the thought, if that was even possible. James could imagine it was.
âHe didnât mean to,â assured Lily, âand whatever Sirius said â” Iâm sure it wasnât as bad as he made it out to be. He just grabbed my arm to keep me from leaving, and I pulled away, and the struggle caused me to bang my knee. It was nothing, really.â
âYour right knee,â said James. It wasnât a question.
âHow did you know?â Lily asked with a puzzled frown. âI canât imagine Sirius was that specific,â she made a small crack at a smile.
âThereâs a bruise forming,â and James nodded at her right knee, her skirt right at the edge of a small dark splotch. Before Lily could say anything in response, James swooped down and laid a small, soft kiss right on the small bruise.
âJames,â Lily murmured, her hand reaching for his cheek and tears pooling in her eyes as she looked at him with something akin to adoration. It made James shiver. What sane seventeen-year-old boy really loved a girl? He did. Maybe he wasnât sane. He was, after all, crazy about her. âYouâre going to make me cry!â She let out a little laugh.
âYou cry, you laugh, make up your mind, woman!â James teased, before, âIs it,â he mockingly looked left and right before whispering to her, âthat time of month?â
âJames!â Lily squealed, smacking him on the elbow, but he only laughed in reply.
âWas that a yes or no?â
âIâm not going to dignify that with a response!â Lily proclaimed, pointing her nose upward, unable to fully hide the smile from her face. For a few seconds, the couple sat smiling contently, but it didnât last long. âI donât know, James,â Lily sighed, rubbing her temples, âI just donât know what to even think. This is completely left field. What did he honestly expect?â
âHe was just being delusional,â James told her. âYou have that effect on people.â
âWhat?â Lily asked, puzzled.
âOh come on, Lily,â James grinned at her, âyou know what I mean. Youâre gorgeous as anything, astonishingly smart and amazingly talented, not to mention witty, passionate, funny and did I already say absolutely gorgeous? You canât blame Snape for losing complete control of his facilities when faced by that.â
âYou forget elegant and charming,â she reprimanded, her emerald eyes dancing, âand breath-taking would have been a good word to use,â she teased. âAnd next time, find a way to fit in great cook and good dancer.â
âMy bad,â said James, âIâll be sure to catch those on the next go round.â Lily gave a little laugh, and once again silence fell, her smiling expression to melting away as she stared off into space. âI donât know why heâs got me so upset. We havenât been friends in years.â She put another smile on her face, âLetâs just forget it ever happened.â
He hadnât meant to say it out loud; he really would have been much better off simply capturing her mouth in a kiss. But it came out before he could stop himself. âYou really do care about him, donât you?â Lily started, her face immediately shining with confusing.
âWhat? Who? Severus? I hate him, James. I hate that he thought he could do this to me and that he â”â
âIf you really hated him, you wouldnât be this upset,â insisted James. Now that he had started, he might as well finish. He had wanted to beat Severus until there wasnât anything left of him when Sirius first rushed into the Common Room to tell him what happened, but he knew Lily wouldnât want him too. And James would rather do what Lily wanted than anything else. How utterly un-manly was that?
âNo, James,â Lily shook her head, fear suddenly blooming across her face. âI donât know what youâre thinking, but if itâs that I have feelings for him, I swear that I donât!â
âIâm not accusing you of having feelings for him that way,â James assured kindly. âBut you were friends for years, and that doesnât go away â” and it shouldnât have to. He meant a lot to you at one point, and even if heâs running with a dangerous crowd these days, a part of you will always see him as a good friend.â That was deep wasnât it? He hadnât meant to sound that deep. James couldnât help but smile to himself. That was pretty deep. He was pretty good.
âBut James,â said Lily almost pleadingly.
âThatâs okay, Lily. I may not like him,â he gave a chuckle at his own words, âbut I respect that heâs always been . . .â he couldnât help but make a face as he said it, âgood to you â” in his own, special, Snapey-way. Oh, and I hope you know how much it took me to actually say that.â
âOh, Iâm sure it took a lot. It was very big of you, James,â she teased softly, her eyes lighting up in that way that literally made him worship her.
âI think so, I daresay I even deserve a reward, donât you agree?â
âHmm, I think I might just happen to actually agree with you on that one . . .â she replied, her arms already coming up around his neck and pulling his face toward hers. James had told her earlier that afternoon that he could kiss her all day. He wasnât kidding. It had to be one of his top five favorite things to do â” that, and play with her hair, listen to her laugh, simply talk to her, and of course, Quidditch.
After a few minutes of kissing, they wound up with James sprawled out across the grass, Lily looking like an angel where she sat straddling his hips, her red hair glowing just like the setting sun behind her, her eyes alight, her cheeks flushed, and her lips telltale of their kissing.
âDo you ever think weâll be friends again?â She spoke at a near whisper, as though the words she spoke were a sin in themselves. James was caught off his guard. When he had first begun pursuing Lily back in forth year, he had been honestly baffled by her friendship with Snape. But in the months theyâd been dating, heâd learned that Lily knew how to look deeper than skin, and if Snape had been able to make good with her, maybe he wasnât that bad. Although hell would freeze over if James ever admitted it. He and Snape would certainly never be bosom buddies, or anything close.
âYou and Snape?â James replied after a beat. âSure, if he just drops those jerks heâs been spending time with. And if you teach him to use shampoo, he can even come by our house every now and then. Though,â James took on a pensive expression, âI still might not be too happy with him touching the kids. I might have to put my foot down there. He can stand as close as five feet to them, but thatâs it.â
âJames!â gasped Lily.
âFine,â James rolled his eyes,â I suppose he can shake the boys hands or something manly like that â” but not the girls! I wonât bend on that one, Lily, I wonât! Over my dead body will he come near our daughters!â Lily laughed, and James delighted in the sound, a cat basking in sunlight.
âBack to talk of our impending marriage, are you?â
âImpending?â James repeated. âSo you admit that we will get married?â He gave her a toothy grin, âI knew youâd come to see it my way, Clementine.â
Again, Lily laughed. âOkay, where do I start?â she asked, her tone attempting a reprimand but failing. âFirst off: Clementine? Honestly, James?â A single ginger eyebrow rose on her white forehead.
âI love clementines!â replied James incredulously. âTheyâre tasty and nutritious â” just like you! Well, I donât know if youâre nutritious, per say, but youâre certainlyâ”â
âDonât finish that sentence!â Lily shrieked, her shrieks turning into laughter as James tackled her, his hands going for her stomach as he flipped her over and landed flush atop her.
A few minutes later found them lying breathless and happy. James was about to go in for another kiss, when she once again spoke in a whisper, âdo you really think weâll get married some day?â
Propping himself on his elbows, James looked down at the gorgeous girl lying beneath him, the one he had been mad for since they were fourteen, the girl he would do absolutely anything for, the girl he adored in every possible way. âYeah,â he murmured, not making a joke, not teasing. âI am going to marry you someday, Lily Evans. And then, where ever I go, youâll be by my side, and when we meet someone, Iâll say to them, âHello, my name is James Potter, and this is my wife, Lily Potter.ââ
âLily Potter,â Lily repeated at a whisper, nearly reverently. It was enough to raise James to cloud nine. But when she went on, it was with an accusatory tone, â'And this is my wife'? What, will you own me then?â James wanted to laugh at how terrible she was at hiding her grin. It was rather endearing, really.
âDonât be silly, darling, I already own you.â
âIâm being silly?â she repeated. âYouâre the one who honestly thinks youâre in control, when, letâs face it, I own you.â
James smirked mischievously, whispering huskily, âIâm happy to be owned by you, Lily.â A brilliant shade of red bloomed across Lilyâs cheeks as James finally stumped her. It had grown much darker in the last couple of minutes, but James was close enough to still see every feature of her face, even down to each little freckle.
âIf weâre lucky,â James continued, his voice becoming light once more, âour kids will have my arguing abilities and not yours,â he grinned lavishly, âbut of course theyâll have your intelligence and beauty. Theyâll be turning heads the moment they arrive at Hogwarts, Peanut. Scratch that, the moment theyâre born, peopleâll point out those amazing Potter kids.â He earned himself another soft laugh.
âAnd how many of these amazing Potter kids are we going to have?â
âTen,â James answered, not hesitating for a moment. Lily burst out in loud laughter now, and James was sure the whole grounds could hear, if anyone was still outside. That was just fine with him, as long as they knew the owner of that laugh was his and he wasnât letting anyone else have her.
âAnd youâre carrying around for nine months, going through painful labor, and giving birth to a number of these ten children, right?â Lily said, going for a stern voice.
âFind the spell that does that and Iâm all over it. And thatâs saying a lot, Lily, me giving up alcohol for nine months â” but for our babies, Iâd do anything.â With Lily laughing beneath him, James went on, âand act now on this special offer, and Iâll even let you pick out the names! All except James Jr. There is definitely going to be a James Jr., and you cannot change my mind.â
âI suppose James could be a middle name,â Lily teased.
âNo. No. I refuse to accept that. You will not destroy my dream of James Jr. Unless youâre thinking of naming the kid James James, that is.â
âThatâs the best you can come up with?â Lily taunted. âJames James? You canât possibly come up with a better name than that?â
âOhoho, well, can you, Missy? Or can you dish it but not take it, huh, Evans? Come on, what names have you got to offer up?â
âHarry,â Lily answered without even thinking. âIf we have a son, weâre naming him Harry. I love the name.â It was teasing at first, but she added after a moment softly and seriously, âDo you?â
âI think I could work with it,â said James. âYeah . . . Harry Potter â” I like it! Ooh, Harry James Potter! Nice! But mind you, thatâs in addition to James Jr. And what is this about if we have a son? Our first born will obviously be a son!â
âHow do you know that? How do you know we wonât have ten girls?â
âIâll put in a special request with my sperm . . . and wear warm boxers. Itâs fool proof.â
âOh, I see,â Lily said, attempting unsuccessfully to keep from laughing.
âAnd then, the second baby will be a girl, so when the boys come a calling after our little girl, Harry can help me go after them with shotguns and â”â He wasnât able to finish, as Lily had pushed her neck up and crashed her lips into his, grabbing at his hair.
When they finally came up for air, it was for him to tell her before she could get a word in, âI love you, Lily; I love you more than anybody has ever loved anyone. Youâre my whole world, and it might be cheesy, but I donât give a damn, because I love you.â James couldnât say it enough. âI love you, Lils.â It sounded so right, it tasted good in his mouth, and it was music to his ears, and the sight of her reaction, the sound of her echoing reply, sent him over the edge.
He kissed her again with everything he had. And Lily kissed back with just as much fire. This was how it was supposed to be, she thought distantly, this was how kisses were supposed to be. And neither of the two noticed the slumped figure that watched them from a distance; that could just barely make out their intertwined, vertical figures across the quickly darkening grounds. The figure that turned away in anger and sadness, and swiped at tears he was ashamed of but couldnât help.
He had done a number on his own pride for her before.
For years, he had humiliated himself again and again attempting to gain her attention. And even though he always laughed it off in public when she turned him down, and all the other boys knew not to go near Lily, they still thought he was a little pitiful, chasing after this one girl. No one had ever said as much â” besides Sirius of course, who had said it as often as possible â” but James knew it to be true. He hadnât minded too much though.
He was willing to embarrass himself for her.
He had stooped so low for her, he had pleaded with her and he had turned down the offers of a dozen other girls, all for her. He had taken quite a beating to the heart waiting for her to love him too. But even with all that, this was about to be the largest wound he had even inflicted on his own pride in her name.
He could still walk away now. Snape hadnât seen him yet. He could still turn and flee, salvage his manliness and no one would be any the wiser. But even as he thought it, he knew he wouldnât. This was Lily, and his pride would take a hit or two for her.
âHey, Severus,â he greeted. It was the first time he had ever called him by his first name. It tasted wrong on his tongue.
âWhat do you want?â was the accusing reply he received. Letting out a nervous laugh, James stepped further into the Potions room, where only Snape was present, standing among a number of steaming potions, his nose deep in his grimy potions book.
âJust dropping into say, you know, hi. So . . . howâs your day been so far? That Charms test was a woozy, wasnât it?â he gave another nervous laugh, attempting his hardest to pretend this was a normal setting and a normal conversation.
âWhatever joke youâre trying to pull,â Snape replied, finally looking away from his book to sneer at James, âdonât.â
James gave a grin, as if Snape wasnât looking at him as though ready to kill. âNo joke . . ., but actually, youâre right, Iâm not just here to say hello,â James admitted.
âShocking,â Snape deadpanned, already turning away from James again, and picking up his Quill to write something on the inside of his Potions book.
âWell then, the reason Iâm here,â James went on hesitantly, âis because I actually,â another laugh, âif you can believe it, I need â” I need your help.â He raked his hand through his hair.
âYou need my help?â Snape repeated, not looking up from his book. But the Quill was stationary over the page, and James knew he held Snapeâs full attention.
âThatâs right. Iâm failing Potions â” I mean Iâm doing great in Transfiguration and in all my classes really â” but in Potions, whew,â James made a face. âSo I was hoping you might be able to give me a hand, give me a few tips, you know.â He gave another grin. He could do this. It wasnât that bad. Keep telling yourself that, you git, a voice spoke up in his head. It sounded oddly like Sirius.
âAnd why couldnât you just get help from your girlfriend?â Snape asked, straightening up and dropping his Quill to give James a piercing stare.
âThat, ah, thatâs a good point. Sheâs pretty brilliant at Potions, isnât she?â James gave yet another nervous laugh, not able to hide a note of pride from his voice. After all, Lily was great at Potions.
âShe is,â Snape answered tersely. âWhich brings me back to the point of what do you really want?â For a moment James merely stared at Snape, who did not break his gaze. But no way was James going to be caught in a staring contest with Snape. He turned twelve a while ago, thank you very much.
âGuess I better just go for broke then,â James sighed, breaking eye contact with Snape to push himself up onto a desk, his legs dangling off. It made him think of Lily in the same position, and he smiled a little to himself before going on. âLook man, Iâm here because of Lily.â He looked over at Snape without any sort of smug smile, or smirk, or grin, praying Snape would take him for real. Because for the first time in his life when it came to Severus Snape, James was being real.
âYou were a good friend to her for years, and sheâs never going to forget that. Youâll always mean a lot to her. And she means a lot to me. So I just figured we might as well make peace with each other â” for Lily.â
âMake peace with each other?â Snape echoed, not showing any emotion and leaving James to puzzle over what his was thinking. James stuffed his hands into his jean pockets.
âYeah,â he answered, âyou know, not hex and insult each other at every possible opportunity. I mean, Iâm not saying we should be friends or anything,â he made a face at that, âbut we could be, you know, civil to each other. Decent, I guess,â he finished, adding after a pause, âfor Lilyâs sake.â
What Snape said next shocked him. James didnât know what he had expected Snape to say in reply, but whatever hazy idea he had was no where near what came out of Snapeâs mouth. Heâd thought heâd done a pretty good job in his explanation. And after all, wouldnât Snape want to do something for Lily too? Apparently not.
âGet out,â Snape hissed at him, suddenly furious.
âW-what?â James asked, his brow furrowing, âseriously?â
âI donât know what youâre playing at, Potter,â spat Snape, âbut Iâm not interested. If you honestly think you can manipulate me using Lilyâs name, you are sadly mistaken. Get out, now.â
Fury building up inside him, James jumped from the desk and crossed his arms over his chest, looking at Snape with disbelief and great dislike. âYou still think Iâm trying to pull something on you? God, Snape, grow up. This isnât about you, itâs about Lily, and Iâm just trying to â”â
âI should grow up?â Snape scoffed. âIâm not the one with the maturity of a three-year-old,â he said. âAnd as for doing this for Lily, donât even try and pull that on me. You donât care about her; youâre going to drop her the moment another girl walks by, donât think I donât know how people like you work.â
âPeople like me?â James repeated with a low voice. âWhat, people who know how to use soap? And how dare you accuse me of not caring about her,â he snarled. âYou have no idea what shit your spitting. I come here to make amends with you and you have toâ”â
âI donât have to make amends with you,â Snape sneered, âyou and Lily wonât last past graduation. Youâre no good for her, and sheâll realize it before long. Youâre nothing more than an arrogant prat, whose strutting and bragging will get you no more than an early grave.â
James let out a humorless, bitter laugh, throwing his hands up into the air in exasperation, letting them land on his head and curl around fistfuls of hair. âI honestly thought if she had once been friends with you, you had to be decent enough. And for some cracked up reason, I really believed you cared about her enough to want to do something for her instead of for you,â James said, shaking his head. âI should have just come and beat you senseless for coming on to my girl instead of â”â he let out another bitter laugh and threw his hands into the air again, âwhatever the hell it is I was delusional enough to think I could do!â
âYour girl?â repeated Snape, his lip curling. âShe wonât be your girl for much longer. Sheâs better than you, James Potter, and before long, sheâll realize it too. Do you really think she loves you?â Snape let out his own humorless, bitter laugh, and James imagined he could hear the oil in his voice. âYouâre right: you are delusional.â
James only shook his head. He should have known nothing good would come of this. He should have known that no matter what Lily might have seen in Snape when they were younger, there was a good reason she didnât count him as a friend anymore. But after yesterday, after how upset Lily had been, he had wanted to do something for her, he had wanted to fix this all â” he should have known Snape would always be Snape.
âShe loves me, alright,â James finally replied, his voice cold and rough. âAnd sheâll never love you. No matter how many times you tell yourself otherwise. I thought youâd at least be willing to go for her friendship if nothing else, but I guess I was wrong. I wonât be seeing you around, Snape. And stay the hell away from my girlfriend.â And with that final declaration, James made to leave the room with shoulders back and head held high.
âAs long as sheâs with you, I donât want anything, including her friendship,â Snape shouted angrily at Jamesâs back. James stopped in his tracks, his hands curling into fists. âAs long as sheâs with you, sheâs nothing more than a shallow slut, and when she realizes thatâs all sheâll ever get from being with you, sheâll â”â He never got to finish, as right at that moment, James slammed his fist into Snapeâs face.
Severus ducked out from under another punch, blood spurting from his nose. He didnât even see her gaping in the doorway. He lunged for his wand, whirling around on James even as James reached for his own wand. âSectumsempra!â he shouted. James stumbled backwards, his wand falling from his hand and clattering to the ground, a large gash running the length of his chest, his white-collard shirt and blue sweater quickly becoming soaked with blood.
And for a single moment, Snape was triumphant. For a single moment he felt a rush of adrenaline and power. He had known insulting Lily, however untrue it really was, would rip straight through the self control Potter had been maintaining. James Potter was nothing more than an overdone fool. Lily would realize that soon. For a single moment, Severus felt good. Then he heard her scream. âJAMES!â Lily rushed into the room, falling to her knees even as James stumbled back against a desk and sunk to the floor, curling around his chest. âOh my â”, James, James, talk to me!â She pressed her hands to Jamesâs chest in a poor attempt to stem the blood flow.
Tears were already streaming down her face. âJames!â Severus only gaped as Lily attempted to lift James to his feet and failed, as his blood was smeared all over her hands and arms and blouse and skirt. What had he done?
âLily . . . ?â he said, his voice barely above a strained, horrified whisper. She would despise him after this; she would never forgive him: she hated violence. What had he done? Suddenly Lily was turning on him and asking his very thoughts, with tears pouring from her eyes in rivers down her red face, venom mixed with the fear that swirled in the green beneath the blur of tears.
âWhat have you done?! What did you do to him?!â she shrieked. âLook at him! What did you do? What did you do?!â But before he could answer with more than a stupefied stutter, she had her back to him once more.
As petite as she was, she hadnât been able to get James off the floor, and now she had her wand out and was muttering spell after spell in growing hysteria. Nothing she said had any effect on James, however, and as Severus watched her there sobbing and screaming, covered in her boyfriendâs blood, he felt disgust for himself wash over him. What had he done?
He had to do something, he had to fix this. He had to make this all better â” and he would win Lilyâs thanks, and he would make up for this terrible disaster. He had to fix this â” but how? Lily was rocking on her heels now, her bloody hands covering her face as she muttered something inaudible. âIâve got it!â she screamed out suddenly, wide-eyed and nearly crazed. Grabbing her wand from where she had dropped it a moment ago, she quickly began to mumble a spell, waving her wand up and down the length of Jamesâs gash.
To Lilyâs ragged breaths of relief, Jamesâs skin seemed to sew itself back together. Severus watched on in with mixed emotions: fearful this would not work, worried of how Lily would despise him if it did not, but still rather upset at how hysterical this was making her, and even a small, vindictive part of him felt rather disappointed. He would have to learn the spell that she used; he couldnât let something like this happen again, let it get so out of hand. Lily attempted to swallow another sob, and seemed to choke on it, her small frame still shaking.
He wanted to help her; he wanted to do something â” but what? Struggling as she did so, she attempted once more to pull a white-faced James to his feet. Though he gave a grown as he did it, James was apparently strong enough now to help in Lilyâs struggles, and they succeeded in getting him standing, his arm thrown around her shoulder as he leaned heavily on her. Severus approached her to help further, but stopped in his tracks when James coughed out, âIâm okay,â and smiled palely at Lily, his face deathly white and his eyes rather dulled.
âI know, youâre okay,â Lily said, her words punctured with another sob, âweâre going to the Hospital Wing, and youâre going to be okay . . . youâre going to be okay. . . .â And Severus was left to simply watch the couple once more, not kissing this time, but stumbling from the room, both covered in blood. The moment before they disappeared into the corridor, Lilyâs face turned toward Severus. Her dark green eyes stared straight at him from her pale white face, her own bloody handprints imprinted on her cheeks, tears running tracks through the red smudges.
And what he saw in them he had never seen in all the years they had been friends and in all the years they hadnât been friends. It was what he had feared the moment she shrieked out Potterâs name. It was unadulterated hatred. And then they were gone, and Severus fell into a chair, stunned, confused, ashamed, and simply tired.
He expected someone to come after him, perhaps a professor, perhaps Black or Lupin. But no one came. He was left to simply sit there, trying to remember when he and Lily had been the best of friends, and the name James Potter had triggered mutual disgust. But all he could remember was Lily telling him she didnât love him, and Lily kissing James Potter, and Lily sobbing and covered in blood, and Lily staring at him as though he had morphed into Satan.
How could he have gone so wrong? How could he have let things get this bad? Perhaps he had been too blunt with Lily, perhaps he should have gained her friendship again, and then he could have been there for her when James hurt her, as he inevitably would, and then, then Lily would finally love him the way he loved her. But it was all lost now. The way she had looked at him. . . .
After what could have been a few minutes and could have been a few hours, he slowly stood. Mindlessly he let his feet carry him from the room and down the corridors, until, to his own shock, he found himself walking to the Hospital Wing. He stopped in the doorway, staring at the sleeping figure on a bed twenty or so feet away.
Remus, Sirius, and Peter had all pulled up chairs around James, and Lily was sitting on the bed beside him, running her fingers through his dark hair, and running a hand down his cheek, and smoothing out his blankets unnecessarily, all as if in a need to do something, anything, with her hands. She had washed her hands and face, but her blouse was still drenched in red. She didnât appear to care.
What would he say to her? What could he possibly say to her? How much had she seen of his conversation with James? Had she only walked in on time to see him hex James? â” or had she been privy to most all of the conversation? Severus didnât know which was worse.
When he had called Lily a shallow slut, it had merely been to anger James. He knew Lily was nothing of the sort, and he would never dare truly accuse her of it. But he wasnât going to let Potter walk away with the last word. He wasnât going to let the git go to Lily and tell her how he had been the bigger man, and had gone to Severus with an olive branch, only to be turned away with malice. Severus wanted Lily to see James for what he was â” a bully.
And it had all gone wrong. âYou have nerve, coming here.â Severus had been so lost in his own thoughts he hadnât even seen Sirius take notice of him and approach him. His face looked murderous as he stood in front of Severus now, glaring at him with his arms crossed over his chest. From the corner of his eye, Severus could see Lily watching them from Jamesâs bed.
âIs he okay?â was all Severus could think to say, hoping Lily would hear his concern.
âHeâll live,â Sirius replied bitingly, âno thanks to you.â Severus looked at the ground, shamefully. He could feel Lilyâs eyes on him. âGet out of here,â Sirius barked, his hands literally shaking. It was a wonder he hadnât attacked Severus yet. âAnd donât come back, you bastard.â
He should have listened to Black, he should have walked away. But he couldnât help himself. âI need to talk to Lily,â he said hesitantly, pleadingly, as disgusting as it was for him to admit.
âShe doesnât want to talk to you,â answered Sirius immediately, vehemently.
âBut I need to explain to her what happened â”!â Severus broke out rather desperately. He didnât get very far, as Sirius cut him off with words dripping in disgust, dislike, and disdain.
âShe knows what happened. She wanted to find James, I told her he had gone to talk to you, and she walked in on your conversation just in time for you to shoot James down, insult her to provoke him, and hex him.â
âThatâs not how it happened,â Severus argued weakly. âIt wasnât that simple.â But he was fighting a losing battle, and he knew it.
âYes, it was. Yes, it is. Get out.â Severus had intended to fight his way into the room and apologize to Lily, convince her to listen to him and accept his apology. But before he could even begin to push Sirius out of the way, James woke up, right before Severusâs eyes.
Lily let out a shriek of delight as James moaned and alerted the room to his now-conscious state. She immediately threw her arms around his neck and laid a kiss on his lips. He let out what looked like a painful laugh. âDonât hurt his newly healed chest, Lils,â Remus teased. Lily looked a little ashamed as she pulled away, but she was still delighted nonetheless, a smile lighting up her whole face.
âI love you,â she told James immediately, as if afraid he didnât know it, cradling his hand in hers.
âI love you too, baby,â James replied, bringing their intertwined hand to his face and kissing her hand, before his head sank tiredly back into his pillow.
âGet out,â Sirius repeated, drawing Severus away from the couple, âbefore I punch your sorry ass straight to hell.â Severus didnât even try and think of something to say in reply. He only turned on his heel and stalked from the room. He barely got ten feet, however, when he heard her call his name.
He whirled around to face her in surprise, unable to stop the hope rising in his chest. Her hair was an angry tangle and her eyes were bloodshot, but Severus had never thought she looked prettier. He didnât care about James Potter. His life would be easier if the bastard was dead. But he cared about Lily, and he couldnât stand the sight of her sobbing, and looking at him with that utter hatred. Maybe if he could get her to forgive him . . . maybe he would take up Jamesâs offer. Even if it was just another of Potterâs ploys to gain Lilyâs affection, Severus would make it real.
And then she slapped him. Her hand was cold and rough across his cheek, biting worse than skin deep, searing him. She didnât say a word; she only turned around and walked back into the Hospital Wing.
She didnât have to say anything.
Severus knew it didnât matter if his chest was small and pale. It didnât matter if his hair was greasy. It never had. It wouldnât matter if he was the most attractive guy in the world. Lily didnât love him, and after this, he had no chance of bringing her around. How did it all go so wrong?
âMr. Snape!â Professor McGonagall shrieked. Severus said nothing. He had known this was coming. âI have been looking for you,â the Professor was red-faced, her eyes blazing, and her voice was cut to kill as she stalked toward him from the opposite direction of Lily. âWhat you did to Mr. Potter was unacceptable! Absolutely unacceptable! I do not care what he may have done to provoke you, nothing could have been worthy of that response! Nothing! If it had not been for Miss Evansâs quick thinking. . . .â
Severus listened to her scream and shout without moving, without speaking, without doing much of anything at all, and soon she was joined by Slughorn, who, although he did not shout nearly as much, sentenced him to a sickening amount of detentions. Eventually, after Professor McGonagall was finally rendered speechless by her indignation and could do no more than take, loud, angry breaths and glare fire at him, Severus was sent to go and think about what he had done.
He hurried back to his dorm room, not stopping to talk to anyone about anything. He flopped onto his bed and buried his face in his pillow, his mind burning with images of the last two days. The stinging in his eyes followed soon after, and he let it come. Before long he was sobbing into his pillow. It was all wrong. It was all so completely wrong. It wasnât supposed to happen this way. She was supposed to love him too. But she didnât. She loved James. And he had lost any friendship he could have had with her. She didnât love him. He had lost her. She didnât love him. He had lost her. She didnât love him. He had lost her.
âDo you feel okay? Are you comfortable? Does this hurt your back?â she asked worried question after worried question. Her face was animated in an adorable way.
âI canât believe you managed to find me a wheelchair!â exclaimed James, laughing despite himself.
âCome on, mate, did you expect any less from our lovely Lily?â Sirius laughed, walking alongside the couple as Lily wheeled James down the corridor to the first class of the day in the wheelchair she had pestered Madame Pomfrey to find.
âIf you had listened to me and stayed in the Hospital Wing another day â”â Lily began.
âI hate the Hospital Wing, Lils!â whined James. âAnd Iâm just fine, really. This isnât necessary. If I could just â”â and he attempted to stand up. Lily shrieked out an indescribable sound, immediately stopping him. âLily!â James sighed, laughing in spite of himself once more and shaking his head.
âGive up, Prongs, itâs useless,â Sirius recommended, smirking at his friendâs predicament. âIâve got to get all the way down to Potions; Iâll see you two later. Take it easy now, Jamesie-poo, and take care of our boy, Lily!â
âI will!â Lily called out after him as he walked away, ignoring James shaking his head sadly and Sirius laughing. âAre you sure you feel up to going to class?â Lily turned back to James. âBecause if you want to go lie down. . . .â
âActually,â said James.
âWhat?â Lily gasped, immediately alarmed. âWhat is it? Where does it hurt?â James did not reply, but curled his finger at her, gesturing at her to come closer. She bent down, bringing her face towards his. âWhat is it? What â”?â James cut her off with a kiss.
When she pulled away, she was a little pink in the cheeks, and James looked extremely pleased with himself. âWas that really necessary?â Lily asked, shaking her head at him, but smiling nonetheless.
âOf course it was, Iâm a wounded man, I deserve a little loving,â he winked at her, before giving a dramatic sigh. âAlright, nurse, wheel me away,!" Apparently he had come to terms with his helplessness. Dutifully, Lily took hold of the handles of the wheelchair once more, and wheeled him down the corridor. When her red hair finally disappeared from view, Severus stepped out from behind the statue of armor he had been so stupidly hiding behind.
She didnât love him. He had lost her. And she did love James. And he would forever be touching her. Refusing to dwell on it any longer, refusing to cry another tear for Lily Evans, not after he had cried himself bloodshot and dry last night, Severus turned in the opposite direction of the couple. He headed back to the Slytherin Common Room, where a small gathering of sixth and seventh years waited. Lucius Malfoyâs head was talking to them from the fireplace, and Severus quickly forgot about Lily.
He didnât care about her.
He didnât care when she spent the rest of the week fussing over Potter, even if the boy did manage to ditch his wheelchair by lunch. He didnât care when Potter sealed a Quidditch victory with a romantic, back-dipping, wolf-whistle-inducing kiss with Lily on his broomstick in front of the entire school. He didnât care when he passed by Lily on a day no different from any other day and the sunlight fell across her from a nearby window, making a small ring on her left hand twinkle up at him mockingly. He didnât care when James announced with a certain amount of glee six days later, at graduation, that he and Lily would be married by this time next year.
He didnât care about her. He didnât care that he was always touching her.
Here he was, on the train leaving Hogwarts for the last time, never to return, and he did not care if it meant never seeing her. He didnât care about her. He never wanted to see her again.
âSeverus?â His head snapped away from the train window to look at her. The phrase his father had used to say, Speak of the devil suddenly came to mind, almost cruelly. He hadnât heard her come into his compartment. He was alone, and he had been lost in thoughts â” and now here she was, his thoughts come to life, standing timidly in the doorway.
âWhat do you want?â he asked bitterly. Lily didnât speak at first, only teetered in the doorway, and Severus wanted nothing more than for her to leave. And yet . . . and yet . . . why was she talking to him? She hadnât talked to him since March, and now it was June and â” but he didnât care. She didnât love him. He had lost her.
âI wanted to say that Iâm sorry for ever hurting you,â Lily finally admitted rather bravely. âIâm sorry that we grew apart, that our friendship was ruined. Iâm sorry that you became who you became. Iâm sorry that you canât accept the most important person to me, even when he tried to be civil to you. Iâm sorry that everything went so wrong.â
Damn it, he didnât care! âWhat do you want from me?â demanded Severus, slipping his shaking hands under his legs, hoping she wouldnât notice.
âI want you to be happy.â
âI am,â he snarled. Lily nodded her head, not saying a word, before turning and leaving. The door slid shut behind her with a loud bang.
He was always touching her.
And it made Severus sick to watch.
How ever long it takes,
I'm never giving up,
No matter what,
I love you this much
Fin.
A/N: There it is, the other half. This chapter covered two important bases: making sure there was no doubt Lily belonged with James all the way, and showing a more final, no-going-back crack between Lily and Snape than what is presented in DH. How'd I do?
This took longer to post than I thought it would, as I ended up adding a little more to the ending than there originally was; my first ending was a bit rushed. I'm still not sure how I feel about this ending. How about you let me know what you think in a nice review? ;)
I Love You This Much by MagEd
Chapter Notes: Here it is, the second half, at long last. As always, I own nothing in the Harry Potter world, J.K. Rowling is the true mastermind, this I acknowledge, and I cower in fear at the thought of being accused otherwise.