There was a fierce, chilly wind rushing along as Remus Lupin made his way up the quiet streets of Hogsmeade. The night was still quite dark, but there was a slight hint of the dawn approaching. The street, which was distinctly empty, had been gripped by an awkward silence. Even the trees seemed to be strangely hushed. Under normal circumstances, this would have seemed rather eerie to most people. However, to Remus it was relatively more comforting than anything else had been tonight, and perhaps during the year as well.
It was a chance for Remus to get away from everyone for more reasons than one. For all the awkwardness and the embarrassment he had faced during the year, there had been nothing more distressing than what he had experienced at the Hospital Wing an hour ago.
When Remus had learned of Dumbledore’s death back in the Hospital Wing at Hogwarts, he hadn’t been able to control his emotions. He had even been close to tears. It was never easy for anyone to comprehend the fact that someone was dead. However, this time it seemed too difficult to believe.
Albus Dumbledore, the man who always supported those who were treated unfairly, the man who gave everyone hope and courage to fight, and the man who had gladly allowed a dangerous werewolf the right to take his education at Hogwarts. He was gone, he was dead, and was never going to come back. There was no way possible for Remus to easily take the death of someone he had looked up to as a child and admired still, but he knew he would be making it harder for himself by denying the truth.
Remus knew that perhaps there were quite a lot of people who had similar feelings to his, but he felt overloaded with too many thoughts, questions, and worries. He always felt that times like these brought people closer because they needed each other’s affection and care. Molly and Fleur, for example, never looked like they could agree on anything before, but it all turned out differently back in the Hospital Wing. Surely, that was because they both cared for Bill so much. They could share their difficulties and grief with each other because they were family.
It seemed that whatever happened in the Hospital Wing just showed the importance of love and family among all the panic and terror. Remus didn’t have a family; he had no one to share his thoughts with, but he never pitied himself for it. He knew that a person like him could never have friends and family. He was a dangerous beast, a werewolf, who was despised by most people in the Wizarding community. Maybe he could have had Nymphadora; he was tempted to think of what might have been if he had not been so determined to push her away for her own good.
Merlin, it would be best if he could get out of this place as soon as possible. After all, what was the point in walking in the silence, which was causing him to reflect on his thoughts so much?
“Maybe I should just Apparate home,” Remus muttered to himself, looking around to find out in which part of Hogsmeade he stood.
He had been so deeply immersed in his thoughts that he had lost track of everything. He soon realised that he was a few miles from the Three Broomsticks, and after listening closely, he heard a few noises coming out of the bar. His hand reached into his pocket instinctively and he took out his wand.
Remus couldn’t make out much in the darkness but as he edged closer in the direction of the bar, the voices grew ever louder. Remus kept his wand within inches of himself and advanced further to listen properly.
“What do you think you’re doing, threatening me with your wand and inspecting my bar like this?” screamed an infuriated voice, which Remus recalled as Rosmerta’s “ the proprietor of the Three Broomsticks. Even though she sounded offended, there was a hint of confusion in her voice.
“Please, Rosmerta,” said an exasperated voice, which Remus recognized at once to be Nymphadora Tonks’s. “I was not threatening you; it’s all a part of the inspection.”
“I assume you are still not going to tell me why I’m being inspected?” questioned Rosmerta. Remus was now inches from the door of the Three Broomsticks, his heart beating furiously. It didn’t seem like Rosmerta was still under the Imperius Curse, nor that Nymphadora was in any serious danger. However, Remus couldn’t help feeling concerned for Nymphadora.
Just then, Nymphadora spoke in a dejected voice, “I’ve already explained everything to you, Rosmerta.”
“I refuse to believe that! You can’t just-” Rosmerta’s voice was cut off.
“Then just talk to Minerva about it!” snapped Nymphadora. “I’m done inspecting here. You seem alright, so I’ll get going.”
Remus instinctively retreated and started to walk away from the door. He couldn’t afford to be seen by Nymphadora so he decided once again to Apparate, but for the second time that night he was put off on the verge of Apparition. The door of the Three Broomsticks closed shut behind him.
“R-Remus?” called Nymphadora in a shaky voice. “Is that you?”
Remus froze on the spot. He knew he could Apparate within a second and Nymphadora would never know that he had been standing there, but something inside was holding him back. Without knowing why, Remus turned around and faced her. He could see her heart-shaped face in the dim light of the rising sun. She looked exhausted and the paleness in her appearance struck him vividly. She was a few inches away, looking at him in disbelief, as though he was the last person she had expected to run into.
Remus was surprised he was still standing there, on most occasions he would have tried to run away from the situation, but not this time. He wanted to be near Nymphadora, he wanted to make sure she was alright, perhaps because he felt guilty of having hurt her too much and he didn’t want to do it once more. But he also felt his presence wasn’t helping the situation much, and was only making the two of them more uncomfortable. All this time Remus was trying not to look straight into her eyes. The rapidly growing silence was much more piercing than before and he wished someone would break it.
However, it didn’t last long because a moment later, Nymphadora raised her wand and spoke in a shaky voice, “Are you really Remus Lupin?” The question sounded forced to Remus. It was as though, like him, Nymphadora was unsure of what to say. “What colour was my hair when I first met you?”
He half-smiled to himself as he took a moment to appreciate Nymphadora’s presence of mind. “It was purple,” Remus said, remembering the day he had first been introduced to her as an Order member. “And you said it was because you wanted to try a darker shade that day.”
Remus noticed Nymphadora blush slightly as she lowered her wand. She looked even graver. “What are you doing in Hogsmeade now?” she asked; there was a hint of discomfort in her voice.
Remus had no reason to lie to her, although he intended to keep the part about Rosmerta to himself. He felt that it would anger her to know that he had been eavesdropping. “I was just going to Apparate back home,” he said, truthfully.
“Oh, I see,” she whispered almost inaudibly. She became quiet once more and there was again an awkward silence. The two of them stood there in the middle of Hogsmeade, unsure of what to say next.
“Uh, were you on guard duty or something?” Remus asked all of a sudden. The question was an attempt to keep on talking and try to find out what had happened at the Three Broomsticks.
“Not really,” she replied in a hoarse whisper. “I was here to check on Rosmerta because Minerva asked me to.”
“So is she alright?” Remus asked, trying not to sound too keen on the matter, but failing miserably. He was sure he saw Nymphadora raise an eyebrow as she heard him.
“Yes, she is fine,” she said, looking at him skeptically. “When I reached the bar, I found her quite well and the Imperius Curse had worn off, thankfully.”
For a moment, Remus wanted to ask, “Are you sure?” but the thought of the annoyance it would cause her stopped him in his tracks. So instead he asked, “Did you talk to her?”
Nymphadora nodded and let out a sigh, making her seem even more exhausted. “She was in a state of shock and wouldn’t believe me at all, at first,” she whispered feebly. Remus noticed that she seemed to be really struggling to speak. “I couldn’t really bring myself to tell her what she had done under the Curse, you see. It would have hurt her too much.”
She seemed slightly embarrassed and looked down at her feet. Remus knew she hated revealing her vulnerability to others but this had nothing to with being vulnerable. It was about having emotions and there was nothing wrong with that. Remus felt like embracing her because she looked like she needed it, but he knew it would just get her hopes up too much.
“You did the right thing,” Remus said comfortingly, moving slightly closer carefully, caught in two minds. It was becoming increasingly difficult to stay away from her. He took her hand and gave it a squeeze, and saw Nymphadora tremble slightly. “Rosmerta already had a lot on her plate. We can explain everything to her later.”
“That’s what I thought too,” she muttered, shaking slightly as she withdrew her hand from his. And then, she finally mustered the courage straighten up and compose herself. “I-I think I better get going and, um, thanks.”
Her voice was rather hesitant and it made Remus flinch slightly. He felt a pang of guilt strike him as he remembered the incident at the Hospital Wing, and he was sure Nymphadora had recalled it as well.
“But I don’t care, either! I don’t care! I’ve told you a million times…”
Nymphadora seemed to have taken heart from the way Fleur reacted to Bill’s uncertain health condition to muster up the courage to scream her thoughts out in front of everyone. Her strained and exhausted voice was still ringing in his ears. Nothing could have described the sinking feeling inside him at that moment. It was one thing dealing with her when they were alone, and another when a dozen people surrounded them, many of whom were school students. If only Remus could have shouted his own feelings out, then Nymphadora would know he wasn’t so heartless and insensitive after all.
Remus knew that he had hurt Nymphadora a great deal by denying her and avoiding her for the whole of the past year. She had turned so pale and so unlike herself during this time that it vividly reminded him of how much pain he seemed to have caused her. But no one knew how much it aggrieved him to do so. Remus did love her, he loved her a lot, but he just wanted her happiness. And he had been so sure living with an old, poor werewolf would not make her happy. But now that he looked at her pale and forlorn appearance, a storm of confusion was raging inside him. Did he really know what would make her happy?
Before it had been so easy to avoid her and refuse to let her into his life. But now Remus could feel his resolve weakening. He had a strong urge to stop Nymphadora from leaving and explain to her why had pushed her away. Why was he losing control? Remus closed his eyes, hoping that doing so would bring about an end to all his problems.
“Nymphadora,” Remus said, turning towards her but refusing to look at her directly in the eyes. Words were lost among all the emotions soaring through his mind. “I-I’m…”
“Yes?” Nymphadora. She stared at him uncertainly, clearly taken aback. She did not speak as she waited patiently for him to complete his sentence.
Remus stared at her in amazement as he felt himself turn slightly red. She had edged rather close without him noticing it. All that he had wanted to tell her got stuck in his throat.
“I’m sorry…for everything.”
Remus had a lot more to tell her but the words had deserted him. He could see disappointment in Nymphadpra’s eyes as she took her eyes off him. She was now looking at one of the houses nearby, avoiding his gaze.
A minute later, she took a deep breath and looked at him in what he interpreted as a mixture of fury and misery. “Is that,” she began in a shaky voice, “what you have to say after all this? ‘I’m sorry?’”
He was only a few inches away from her and could see that she was nearly in tears but was making an effort not to cry. Remus felt disgusted by his own conduct. He had wanted to make things alright, but he ended up making them worse than they were. If only he could have said the right things, everything would be different. Remus knew he had to put things right and clear them up.
“Listen to me,” Remus whispered nervously, grasping both her hands tenderly and looking into her watery eyes. “I really am sorry for hurting you. I felt it was for your own good-”
“But that’s where you’re wrong,” she said impatiently, cutting him off. “You’re being so silly!”
Remus smiled weakly.
“Yes, that’s what you think,” he told Nymphadora, and he was pleased to notice her eyes weren’t watery anymore. “But you must understand the danger that you will put yourself in. I’m a poor, unemployed werewolf and I’m much older than you. I don’t understand, Nymphadora, why you are still so persistent about this relationship?”
“What do you mean you don’t understand? Haven’t I told you a million times already?” she said, looking at him in exasperation and freeing her hands from his grasp. “I don’t care, Remus, because I love you! It doesn’t matter to me that you’re a werewolf or that you’re old or anything else. We are all in danger anyway “ there is a war going on. I just love you, Remus. Don’t be foolish and push me away for such irrelevant reasons.”
Remus had heard her say those words so many times that it was surprising to him how much they affected him at that particular instant. He had known all along that Nymphadora never cared about the consequences of being with a werewolf. But somehow he had never been able to not care about it himself. He was too scared that he would harm her. She was the only person who had loved him for what he was. But maybe she was right. He was just being silly. Letting her in his life couldn’t possibly put her in any more danger than she was already facing.
Remus felt very ashamed of his cowardly act. How could he let his fear get the better of him? It didn’t seem right. He wasn’t going to let his fear get in the way of the one chance of happiness he had. He looked at the tired-looking woman with mousy brown hair. A woman who used to be bright and sprightly had only become such an extreme contrast to her usual self because of him. He didn’t want to hurt her or deprive her of the truth anymore.
“I love you, too, Nymphadora,” he whispered, breathing heavily as he felt nervous excitement spread all over him. It was impossible to speak any further. Slowly and gently, he pressed his lips to hers, meaning to pour all his emotions in the kiss. It was short but tender and unlike anything he had felt before. It was perfect bliss. “I always have.”
Remus gazed at her curiously searching for a reaction. There was bright twinkle in her dark eyes that could have, according Remus, outshone the sunlight. Her breathing was growing rapid and a genuine smile graced her lips for the first time in months. It was the same infectious smile that usually caused Remus to smile with her and it wasn’t any different this time.
I Don't Trust Myself by ginny112
Chapter Notes: I would like to thank my beta violeteyes for being so amazing ! I would also like to thank those who liked I've Done it Again and sent me wonderful emails asking for a sequel. I hope you like this just as much. Happy reading!
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Harry Potter. It's all Jk Rowling's. The title name comes from John Mayer's song 'I Don't Trust Myself'.