Right?
Anybody?
Chapter Thirteen: Paginate
[Marty]
I survey the scene. That Snape guy is hanging in the air by his ankles. James is standing very close to him. In a threatening way, not a secret-passion-that-they’ve-been-trying-to-hide way. Because, uh ... that would be pretty disturbing. Anyway, Sirius is flanking James with his wand out. Peter and Remus are flanking Sirius, with their wands out. If I was that Snape guy (though thankfully I have slightly better personal hygiene. And I’m a girl, too, oddly enough) I would be pretty threatened. I would be quaking in my boots. I would be“
Anyway. I had just come out of the Portrait Hole to see this little arrangement, accompanied by Lily, who was being very nice to me up until this point and who I was considering becoming best friends with, in a girly, gossiping, hair-and-make-up-experimenting, boy-discussing, friendship bracelet way. That is, I would have been if we were both eight. Fortunately, we aren’t and I was just hoping to talk to her a bit more than I used to at dinnertimes and in the dorm.
However maybe that, too, is out of the question. Because she looks angry. Very angry. Also, like she isn’t sure who she is more angry at: the Marauders for being big dumb idiots, or that Snape guy for the bunch of flowers he is clutching rather pathetically in his hands. After all ... there is no question who they had been intended for.
I decide to try and avert the mass murder that is about to happen by a nice little reminder of why we should all be friends. “Look, guys,” I begin. “I’m sure this is all a big misunderstanding.”
Whew, I’m like a whirlwind of wisdom. Who knows what I could say next? It will be life changing, that’s for sure. It will bring people to their knees. A big misunderstanding! Of course! Why didn’t they think of that before?
The above sentences can be thoroughly ignored and put down to sarcasm and bitterness and self-doubt.
“Sure,” James says, sounding almost as disgusted as I am with what just came out my mouth. “I’m sure I just misunderstood when Snivellus ... when Snivellus ...”
“What?” Lily barks. “What did he do now, Potter? Enter your territory?”
“Actually ...” Sirius muses. “That’s pretty much it, yeah.”
“Shut up, Sirius,” almost everyone present says. Only Lily calls him ‘Black’ and James and Peter call him ‘Padfoot’. It’s only actually Remus and I who call him ‘Sirius’. That Snape guy says nothing. He just watches Lily with an unreadable expression on his face (and believe me, I’m good at reading expressions).
“It was more complicated than that,” James says (ah, now I could read his expression. I would call it his “defensive-angry-incredulous-guilty-in-love” face). “He was ... it was ... look, it was just more complicated, okay?”
“It wasn’t,” that Snape guy says. “I just came by to apologise, Lily, and “”
“Shut up, I’m mad at you too!” Lily yells (you can probably guess the expression on her face for yourself, but just in case you can’t: very, very angry. And exasperated. But mostly angry). “What were you even doing here? You already apologised! I told you it was too late. I mean, I might have listened eventually if you properly did something to change your behaviour, but I come out for a stroll to find you in the middle of a ... a ... a brawl!”
“This isn’t really a brawl, it’s more of a confrontation,” Sirius points out unwisely (expression: thoughtful. Also slightly smug).
“I’d say more of an intimidation,” James replies, perhaps even more unwisely.
I decide it’s time for more action. As long as I don’t use the words ‘misunderstanding’, ‘big mistake’ or ‘why can’t we all just be friends?’ Or the word ‘paginate’ because that wouldn’t be relevant. At all. I can’t possible think of a word less relevant than ‘to give numbers to pages in a book or journal’.
“Come on, I’m sure we can work this out,” I say. Uh oh. I’m teetering dangerously on the edge of the one ending in ‘all just be friends’. “You know, there is something to be said for inter-house unity. It’s entirely possible that all this is stemming from deep psychological prejudices pertaining to the colour of your ties. What did a tie ever do to us? Wouldn’t it all be a lot easier if we “” could all just be friends ““ uh, got along like normal human beings for a change and started working on what’s important. Like. Um. Eugene Cardrac’s house not being demolished.”
“I vote that one,” Remus says quickly (expression: desperate). How nice of him.
“I vote Marty gets off the pedestal balancing on her high horse, which is galloping across her moral high ground and learns to know what she’s talking about and/or how to keep out of other people’s business,” Sirius says.
Okay. That was harsh. And eloquent.
Not knowing how I could possibly follow that up in a way which won’t lead directly or indirectly back to mass murder, I leave. Quickly. My expression ... hurt.
[Remus]
I stare after Marty in a state of shock. I can’t quite believe that I’m watching her walk away so simply, without even a word.
“You complete assholes,” Lily says almost incredulously. She begins to follow Marty, but then turns around. “All of you,” she adds, for good measure, just in case any of us presumed she was talking to someone else.
“I can’t believe I just said that,” Sirius mutters.
“Idiots,” Snape jeers. “Who do you think you are, talking to girls that way?”
It really comes to something when you’re being given lessons on social decorum from Severus Snape, hanging by his ankles in mid-air. Sirius and James seem to realise this too, because they say nothing in response.
“I should go after her,” Sirius says. “Apologise. I didn’t mean it, after all. I just said it. It didn’t mean anything ...”
I shake my head. “No. Let her cool off for a bit. Both of them,” I add, when James opens his mouth. “Let’s go and wait for them in the Common Room. They’ll be bound to come back.”
“Yeah,” Peter says. “Marty wouldn’t just stop being friends with us over one little thing ... would she?”
“No,” Sirius shakes his head. “Of course she wouldn’t. She needs us!”
“Yeah,” James agrees. “Yeah, without us, she’s just ... she’s just ... she’s nothing. Right, guys?”
We stand around hopelessly, looking at one another. I think we all know it’s not true. In reality, she’d be fine without us. But we’ve kind gotten used to her. A lot. Actually ... we’re the ones who need her. Even if she does have that weird thing about pumpkins.
And we need her a lot more than we realised, I think.
“I didn’t mean it,” Sirius insists pathetically.
“Personally, I think you deserve this,” Snape says. James looks at him thoughtfully, then takes out his wand and flicks it. Snape falls to the ground with a thud.
[Marty]
“I can’t believe he would say that!” I rant to Lily. “After everything, I thought I had taught them something ... about how to act, how to not be ... not be ...”
“Tosspots?” Lily supplies.
“Well, yes, although I was going to say big dumb idiots myself.”
Lily shrugs. “Same thing, really. All Marauders are the same. There’s nothing you can do about that, Marty. They are all evil and they all think they’re better than everybody else and can just stamp on other people’s feelings. It’s completely normal.”
“So you think I should just forget about it?” I ask hopefully. It does sound appealing. I could be the better person, take it in my stride, hold my head up high and start all over again, with some new training courses for them in how to be decent human beings. In fact, I could make a business out of it. I could be employed to teach idiots how to be useful and polite and give talks in schools and prisons and get awarded medals for converting the nation “ no, the world! “ into one that is loving and peaceful and good.
“Hell no,” Lily scoffs. “Just forget about them. Leave them to waste their lives in peace. They’re not worth the bother.”
“But they are,” I insist. “They’re misunderstood ...”
Lily shakes her head. “No way. Evil.”
“Misun “”
“Evil.”
“Mis “”
“EVIL. That’s final. No exceptions. Just like every other member of the male species.”
“That’s not exactly true,” I say. “I mean, I never knew my Dad, but is yours in the same league as the Marau “ uh, as these evil men?”
Lily looks thoughtful. “That’s a good point. Every male until they are ... is thirty still too young?”
“You can’t really put an age on it,” I say. She nods.
“I suppose not. Every male up until they have children, is a completely evil waste of space and is basically just a thief of valuable oxygen. Agreed?”
“Not really.”
“Good, so we’re agreed. Now, I know you’re used to spending time with them, but how about you come round with me now instead? I know I’m friends with Roxie and Phyll and Mary, but I’ve never fit in completely, after Sev “ Snape “ I’m more used to a twosome. You and me, yeah Marty? How about it?”
As appealing as being Lily’s best friend sounds, I’m just not sure I can give up on the Marauders so fast. “But, Lily, you don’t understand them like I do. It’s different. Sirius wouldn’t have meant it. He’ll be sorry by now ...”
Lily sighs. “He still said it, didn’t he?”
She’s right. I know she is. But still. I observed them for so long, I took all those notes ... I was going to write their biography. An in depth, analytical study of their psychology.
“It doesn’t have to be forever,” Lily says. “Just show them what they’re missing, teach them what guilt feels like. Come on, Marty, they’ll never understand how to face up to the consequences of their mistakes if everyone forgives them all the time. It’ll be like training them to be better people.”
This gets me. Didn’t I just have a fantasy about doing that? I did? I knew it! The method might be different ... but the end is more important than the means, right? Or something like that?
“Okay,” I say. “Let’s do it.”
Lily smiles assuredly. “Excellent. Now, first, you’re going to need some lessons of your own. First up, no matter how much they beg, I want you to ignore them.”
I nod. Ignore. Right. Only ... “Wouldn’t it be better if I gave them an evil look or something?” I ask. Lily considers this.
“Show me your best evil look,” she says eventually.
“What, now?”
She sighs. “We’ll have to assess whether it’s better that way or not, based on the quality of the evil.”
I take a deep breath and gather my strength. Narrowing my eyes and pursing my lips, I glare at Lily as if she’s one of the Marauders themselves. Only the thing is, I actually really like the Marauders and as soon as the corners of her mouth twitch, we both burst into peals of laughter.
“Oh, Marty,” she gasps after a minute. “You’re a terrible actress!” Which only sets us off again.
Eventually we calm down and I say, “Maybe just ignore them, then?”
She nods, still chuckling. “It would probably be best if you avoid them altogether. We can’t risk you giggling whenever you meet their eyes ... that will hardly make them learn how to feel guilt. Complete indifference, that ought to do it.”
I look at Lily. Her morning violin playing has picked up recently, gone from mournful to something a bit more cheery. Personally, I think it’s her separation from that Snape guy, who only ever seemed to bring her trouble. At least, that’s all I ever saw. Maybe they were great friends when they were alone, but when other people were around, the whole friendship seemed to be based on him trying to look like he cared less than he did and her making excuses for him to other people (though not seeming utterly convinced herself). Ever since she was “ well, freed “ she seems to be enjoying herself so much more. She no longer has the constant worry lines that you only notice if you look closely and she joins in the late night discussions with the other girls. She’s even being nicer to James.
“What?” she asks, when she notices me looking.
“Nothing,” I say. “I’m just glad we’re friends.”
Her green eyes crease into a smile. “Me too. You’re a lot more normal than you used to be ... I mean, you’ve still got that ... uniqueness, but you’re not so uptight about The Cause, you’re more willing to have a laugh every now and then. But don’t lose that Marty-ness, all right? It’s why we love you.”
I smile and say nothing. But I can’t help but think that when I wasn’t so ‘normal’, less than a year ago, they didn’t love me. And I’ve only been more willing to have a laugh because other people have been more willing to let me.
Still. Maybe she’s right. I have changed since becoming friends with the Marauders and I think it has been for the better. I’m going to vow here and now that I won’t change myself too much; not solely to fit in better with other people, anyway. I know if she could see me now, my Mum would be happy, thrilled that I was fitting in so much better, able to enjoy life so much more and not be so lonely (because, although I know I said I wasn’t, I really was, to be honest). But she would never want me to lose myself because of it. Being a bit wiser doesn’t mean I can’t still be me.
When we return to the Common Room, all four Marauders are being restrained from about killing each other by several students each.
[Remus]
When we settle back inside the Common Room to wait, after letting Snape go crawling off back to his Hovel (sorry, I meant House), the four of us are sitting round the fire, not talking. Strange, actually, how quickly we had gotten used to five. Strange too, how we’d never had trouble having fun before Marty, so why is it that after her, now she’s gone, not one of us can start a conversation?
“She’ll forgive us,” Sirius eventually says. Funny how his mistake now includes all of us. She won’t forgive him, she’ll forgive us. As if we made him say it.
“Of course she will,” Peter reassures him.
“If you think about it, we didn’t even do anything,” Sirius continues. “She can’t blame us. There’s no reason for her to hold a grudge or for us to even feel guilty. If anything, she should be apologising to us.”
“How’d you work that one out?” asks James, looking unconvinced.
“Well, she left, didn’t she? Didn’t give us a chance to explain ourselves.”
I am slowly getting more annoyed. Where did all this ‘us’ and ‘ourselves’ come from? We didn’t even do anything! It was him!
“I guess,” Peter shrugs. He doesn’t look so sure either.
“What do you think, Moony?” Sirius asks. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
Just say yes. It will be easier for everyone if you say yes. Say yes, Remus ... yes ... yes ... “No.”
James and Peter, who had both been slumped in their chairs, sit bolt upright, able to sniff an argument a mile off.
“What Remus means, of course,” James says, laughing nervously, “is yes.”
“No,” I say. “It’s not. It wasn’t me who offended her, or you or Peter either. So I don’t see why she won’t forgive us. But as for Sirius ... that’s another thing entirely.”
“Moony,” Peter warns quietly, trying to avert another fight.
“What? Do you mind being tarnished with his brush, Wormtail? Do you think it’s fair that we suffer for his mistakes? Do you think he would stick by us if he didn’t have to?”
“Of course I would,” Sirius scoffs. “I do it every day.”
“Oh, do you? When was the last time you suffered for one of our mistakes and didn’t try to worm your way out of it or pin the blame on somebody else?”
“Every bloody day!” Sirius says much louder, so that people start to look over.
I say nothing, I just sit there and look at them, anger bubbling up beneath my skin.
“Guys, come on,” James says. “Let’s not do this now.”
“You’re not so innocent either,” I snap at him. “If you hadn’t started that fight with Snivellus ...”
James looks angry. “I can’t help it if the snake sets off some fighting reflex in me, Remus, I couldn’t just let him harass Lily again.”
“Why not?” Sirius asks. “It’s not like she’s ever going to fall in love with you because of it.”
“I’m not doing it to make her fall in love with me, I’m doing it to stop her getting hurt!”
“And, of course, the benefit to being all manly and protective of her is that she might bat her eyelids in gratitude one day, right?” Sirius asks.
“James, don’t you start fighting, too,” Peter begs. “I don’t want to be left to maintain peace on my own ...”
“Sorry, Peter,” James growls. “You’re on your own this time.”
Peter sighs. “I thought as much. Can’t we just concentrate on what we’re going to do about “”
“Shut up, Wormtail, leave it to the mature ones,” Sirius says nastily.
“Don’t talk to him like that, just because you know I’m right,” I say. Sirius whirls around to face me and draws back his fist. “Going to hit me, Padfoot?” I ask. “Go on then. See if you’re man enough ... or is it all just an act to entice the ladies?”
He leaps at me. I’m ready. I feel James and Peter start to grab at us too, whether to join in or break it up, I don’t really know. There’s not much time to find out, because soon, we are being pulled apart by several seventh and fifth years each (every male sixth year is, after all, involved in the fight). The Head Boy is yelling over the top for everyone to calm down.
“I’ll calm down when Remus doesn’t have a face left,” Sirius hisses.
“I’ll stop having a face when you’re daring enough to try it,” I spit at him. “You’d beat someone up who was weaker than you, would you?”
“You’re not so weak, Remus,” James says pointedly. And not like he’s trying to make me feel better. More like he’s trying to accuse me of pretending to be.
I jolt suddenly to try and be released from the grasp of the lads holding me back, but they hold on tighter.
The portrait hole opens. Marty and Lily come in.
Lily looks disgusted. “Come on, Marty,” she sneers. “I told you they weren’t worth it.”
Marty looks at us for a second, then looks away. For a moment, I am sure she is about to laugh, but it must be wishful thinking on my part. Head bent, she hurries after Lily and up to the dormitories, completely avoiding eye contact with any of us.
Each of our shoulders slump. “Well done,” Peter sighs. “Now we’ve really blown it.”
I consider yelling at him that it was probably all his fault, but to be honest, I can’t quite bring myself to. I was the one who started the fight this time, after all.
“Yeah,” I say. “We did.”
The seventh and fifth years (and even a couple of brave fourth years) who had been restraining us seem to sense that we’ve lost our drive. They let us go and we collapse back into our armchairs.
“I feel awful,” Sirius mutters. “Like this big empty hole, clawing at my insides. I don’t recognise it. What is it?”
“Guilt,” James grunts. “We feel guilt.”
Well. I can’t argue with that.
AN: Nope, he certainly can’t. I love teenage boys. They’re so hilarious. *Pets Marauders* I think they probably had felt guilt before that, by the way, a little, but never at quite that same intensity. Or maybe not. Maybe this really IS the first time they’ve been truly sorry for hurting someone’s feelings, or even realised they HAD hurt someone’s feelings. What do you think? Leave a review, let me know!