The Quibbler: horrible publication or danger to the community?
The magazine entitled The Quibbler has always been somewhat of a joke to the wizarding community, writes Rita Skeeter, special correspondent. With its ridiculous rambling about Crumple-Horned Snorkacks (the ludicrous, flightless monster that does not exist) and Goblin pies, nobody would blame you for questioning the sanity of Xenophilius Lovegood, the overly eccentric editor of the unusual magazine. But new information has arisen from this publication, which is as idiotic as Hermione Granger’s new Wizengamot polices, and as dangerous.
According to reliable insiders at the Ministry of Magic and the Daily Prophet, The Quibbler might be publishing “How-To” guides on how to harm other witches and wizards. In its latest issue, one article describes the “new discovery” of a Crumple-Horned Snorkack horn, complete with photograph. The article, mostly utter rubbish, describes the many supposed magical properties of the horn, along with the method used to retrieve such an item. But what is most interesting and alarming about this article is not, at first, the content but the photograph. If one looks closely, one can see that it is not the horn of a Crumble-Horned Snorkack, but an Erumpent horn. It is common knowledge that with the simple touch of a finger or a brush of the hand, an Erumpent horn can cause a massive and deadly explosion. Why is Lovegood housing such a dangerous substance, how did he obtain this horn, and what does he mean to achieve by informing the public on how to get their own “Crumple-Horned Snorkack” horn?
This new article in The Quibbler merits a full investigation onto the publication and its owner in order to protect public safety.
CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACK HORN DISCOVERED IN THE MOUNTAINS
In an exciting new discovery, Xenophilius Lovegood (pictured below) has discovered and retrieved a horn from a Crumple-Horned Snorkack. While hiking through the forests at the foothills of the Himalayan mountain range, he stumbled upon the horn while searching for the beast itself.
“I found it lying in a cave,” Lovegood told reporters energetically. “I knew at once it was a Crumple-Horned Snorkack Horn because of its distinctive texture and size.”
Lovegood also stated that inside the cave in which he found the horn, there were also a pile of sticks: clear proof that the Crumple-Horned Snorkack once resided in that cave, as sticks are its favorite playthings. Footprints of many different types of animals were also found on the floor of the cave; the Crumple-Horned Snorkack lures its prey into the cave before having its meal.
Lovegood encourages any witch or wizard who has any interest in this extraordinary creature to take their own trip to the Himalayas, as more horns are bound to appear as the Crumple-Horned Snorkack sheds them. Meanwhile, Lovegood remains the only living human in possession of this rare and mysterious object.
Wizengamot policies take a plunge
With the recent promotion of Madame Hermione Granger to head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement at the Ministry of Magic, she has introduced several new and controversial policies into the Wizengamot, writes Rita Skeeter. These policies, too tedious to explore in detail, outline new interrogation techniques as well as witness protection programs. But the most talked about new law refers to the removal of the Dementors of Azkaban. Many members of the Ministry, from both inside the Wizengamot and out, criticize Granger’s thinking.
“Abolishing the Dementors of Azkaban is a detrimental action to the wizarding community and wizarding law enforcement,” says a Wizengamot member who wished to remain unnamed.
Granger backs this course of action by stating that “striking fear and remorse into the hearts of our criminals is immoral and unethical.” But many members of the wizarding community have spoken out against this statement, saying that the fear the Dementors create helps keep us and our children safe.
“The Dementors are a standard that all of us have come to be comfortable with,” says a Ministry insider. “Even after the war against You-Know-Who, I believe we all would feel safe now that the Ministry can have complete and undisturbed control over these creatures.”
This testimony, along with others, begs the question: is placing such a young and inexperienced witch at the head of such a vital department the best idea?
RITA SKEETER: BUGGING HER WAY INTO INTERVIEWS
Rita Skeeter, famed and vicious reporter for the Daily Prophet, has always been able to get the inside story. Her brutal writing is self-described as “the honest truth.” Nobody has ever questioned the belief that Skeeter uses only legal means to get her story.
BUT DOES SHE?
Startling new evidence suggests that Skeeter is using less than ethical means to tell the public what they need to know. Eyewitnesses have stated that Skeeter is an unregistered Animagus. Her animal form? A beetle.
“I saw Rita Skeeter transform into a beetle and sneak into a sack of potatoes on my way to the apothecary!” says Miranda Bulben of Surrey. “She was trying to sneak a peek at the recipe for my famous tomato and doxy stew!”
This information is rumored to have leaked out from the Wizengamot, which explains Skeeter’s recent bashing against one of its members in a recent article in the Daily Prophet.
Has Skeeter’s illegal bugging been the path to all of her inside information and stories? If so, the Ministry of Magic will surely want to investigate further into the situation.
The Quibbler reaches an all time low
Xenophilius Lovegood has reached the bottom of his barrel, reports Rita Skeeter. Known for his crazy theories and ludicrous beliefs, Lovegood’s sanity has always been questionable. But now there is proof that he has certainly gone off the deep end.
In a recent issue of The Quibbler, the cover article states that acclaimed writer and interviewer Rita Skeeter is using the illegal means of being an unregistered Animagus to get her fabulous stories and insider information. This, of course, is utter nonsense. If Skeeter was able to turn into a beetle, as Lovegood states, how would she be able to talk to her interviewees? Most witches and wizards are unlikely to be able to speak beetle.
The answer to the question is that she could not. It is irrational to think that she transforms into this bug in order to gain information when she can simply ask. Being an Animagus would be a complete waste of Skeeter’s time, as would an inquiry into this preposterous accusation.
SKEETER’S DENIAL CONFIRMS ILLEGAL ACTION
Rita Skeeter’s response to last issue’s article entitled “RITA SKEETER: BUGGING HER WAY INTO INTERVIEWS” confirms the illegality of her actions. Anybody with a brain can see from reading Skeeter’s article that she is in denial about her own actions and about her fate to become Azkaban’s newest prisoner. Experts have confirmed that this denial is firm evidence that Rita Skeeter does indeed transform into a beetle and sneaks into our homes, looking for a story.
And now, brand new testimony has arisen from none other than Hermione Granger, prominent member of the wizarding community and head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.
“The notorious reporter, Rita Skeeter, is an unregistered Animagus,” says Granger. “I caught her once and put her into a jar when she was trying to spy on my good friend Harry Potter.”
Granger also makes clear that this explains Skeeter’s almost one year absence from the press after the Triwizard Tournament at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This new evidence should tell the Ministry of Magic to ignore Skeeter’s lies and file a full scale inquiry onto her treacherous reporting tactics.
Obituary: Xenophilius Lovegood jumps into lake for reason of mental instability
In the late hours of Tuesday evening, the waters of an undisclosed lake were calm, writes Rita Skeeter, special correspondent. But suddenly, they were disturbed, as Xenophilius Lovegood jumped from a cliff into the lake and drowned. Medical experts confirm that Lovegood jumped because of mental illness and that all his theories, ideas, and accusations should from this point on be deemed misguided.
Lovegood will be remembered for his interesting, but completely ridiculous and untrue theories in his monthly magazine, The Quibbler.
XENOPHILIUS LOVEGOOD STILL ALIVE AND WELL
Despite Rita Skeeter’s article in the Daily Prophet, Xenophilius Lovegood did NOT jump into a lake and drown in the late hours of Tuesday evening. He is still alive and completely dry while he writes this article.
He believes, as so do many others, that Skeeter’s recent inaccurate obituary is to distract the public from her actions as an illegal Animagus. The Quibbler stands by its position: the Ministry should conduct an inquiry on this issue at once.
Obituary: Xenophilius Lovegood is really and truly dead
Whatever the recent article in The Quibbler is reporting, writes Rita Skeeter, Xenophilius Lovegood is dead.
Medical experts still report that none of Lovegood’s eccentric accusations should be considered true.
Rita Skeeter is NOT an unregistered Animagus. No inquiry is needed. Really.
RITA SKEETER THROWN IN AZKABAN
Follwing the advice of The Quibbler, the Ministry has investigated the reporting tactics of Rita Skeeter, infamous Daily Prophet reporter, after sending officials to Xenophilius Lovegood’s house and finding that he was actually still alive.
Upon completing the investigation, Ministry officials confirmed Thursday that Skeeter is in fact an unregistered Animagus, with the ability to turn into a beetle. Skeeter has been using this ability to gather private information for her articles.
Skeeter has been tried and put in Azkaban with a two year sentence. May her Quick Quotes Quill never taint the pages of the press ever again.
Newsworthy Conversation by x2pttrclue32
Chapter Notes: 1. First, many thanks to solemnlyswear_x for betaing this!
2. I put on the DH spoiler warning just in case, since it does contain DH details. However, they are out of context so they aren't "actual" spoilers. Just a precaution.