I watched her the entire night.
I memorized how her dress robes flowed from her body as she gracefully swept her way around the crowded hall. My eyes followed each tear that fell from her face as she gazed around at all the people she had come to know over the years. Green with jealously, I saw the way she clung to him the entire time.
There was a time, not so very long ago, when Lily and I were friends. Not amazing friends “ no “ but I can say with certainty she was my best friend. In my dark and menacing world, very few have ever even touched any part of my being. I remain unchanged and unreachable, outwardly reveling in my quietly defiant independence.
But it was eleven year old Lily that reached in and grabbed me. Pulled my wretched self out and examined it, eventually molding into something more… Something that felt joy and hope. Something that almost resembled a human.
Our friendship had been my lifeline for many years. Though I would admit it to nobody “ not even her “ she was my world. Everything I did, everything I was was because of her. Her beautiful soul “ shining so bright it sometimes blinded me “ managed to let some piercing rays fall onto my shriveled and wasting self.
But those days had fled. And like room lit by a single candle, when her flame left my life, I descended into total darkness. The dark side of me “ the side I had always known would someday engulf me “ pulled me into its black embrace. Small traces of light she had left behind still shone, though for her and only her, but they could no longer dispel the velvety night that shrouded my soul.
There were times, like this moment, as I watched her talk with her friends, laughing over the past, that I wished I could take back all the hate that had pushed her away. More than anything else I wanted her to be by my side once more, pulling me away from this twisted and dangerous path. I wanted to hear her tell me that it would all be ok, and I wanted her laugh to lead me to that time.
Caught in my thoughts, I hardly realized that my Slytherin companions had left me at the table alone. With a cool and calculated glare I watched them exchange final words and laughs, reminiscing with each other for the last time.
This was appropriate, really, seeing as this was the last night we would ever be here together. Hogwarts would have seen the last of this group of graduates, and in al truth would probably benefit from it. Between the pranksters and rising dark forces, the castle would be far more at peace without our corpses filling it to the brim.
That was my opinion, but I knew others felt differently. They were leaving their “friends” and their “almost family.” In fact “ to many “ this castle had been “home.” I snorted to myself at the thought. “Home” had no real value to me, for I didn’t believe I had ever known one. Home was just a place to live and eat, nothing to attach emotional value in.
I felt only one sorrow from leaving this place of magic, and she had just floated by me.
And then the reality crashed down upon me. I was leaving. Lily was leaving. This was it; I would never see her again. We were off on our own paths, and there could be no question of the differences in them. This was it.
My throat was constricting, and my eyes clouding. How could I not have seen before? Lily would no longer even be able to light my soul by just being near. She would disappear completely, leaving me with nothing, nothing.
I stood abruptly and quickly glided through the crowds, out the door and into the night. My footsteps were jagged and brisk, almost stumbling as I strode across the grounds. I was still in shock, though I felt foolish for it.
Of course this was what would happen. What did I expect?
Her to come back to me, to admit that she missed me as much as I missed her? For I to somehow gather the strength to tell her tell her that I needed her, that I loved her? What could I have possibly hoped for?
Lost in my swirling tempest of thoughts I didn’t register the world around me. It didn’t matter after all. I was slowly coming to the realization that nothing mattered anymore. But, when a small and unsure voice arose behind me, that seemed to matter.
“Severus? Severus, are you ok?”
It had been so long since I had heard my name from that tongue that I thought I must be hallucinating. She had really driven me mad. But all the same, I turned around, carefully fixing my features into blankness.
I appraised her over my long nose.
“Lily.”
With that, she smiled, though she didn’t seem to want me to see, for she fought it down. I raise an eyebrow, but inside was begging her to please, please smile for me.
“Sev.” She said, and I almost fell over. Sev, she called me. Only Lily had ever given me a real, friendly nickname. “Are you “ uhm “ are you ok?”
How odd she would ask me that. As if she could see, as she could always see, right into the deepest and most secret parts of my soul.
“No Lily, I’m not.”
She looked at me, head tilted to the side, and I wondered why she was out here, why she was speaking to me after all this time. By the way her eyes bore into mine, I could guess she was wondering the same thing.
“This is it, you know.” She whispered. “This is the last night…” Her voice trailed, and I could sense she didn’t know how to say what she wanted to “This “ This might be the last time we’ll ever see each other.”
My insides clenched and a hard lump forced it’s was into my throat. I wanted to deny it, but I couldn’t. I wondered if I was completely transparent to her.
“It is.” I forced out.
“I need you to tell me something Severus.”
I glared at her, trying not to show that I would do anything, anything for her.
“Will you follow your friends?”
My heart fell through my stomach. I wanted to scream at her “ I have no friends! You were it!” But I don’t. I know what she is really asking. Will I turn from the path she had forged for me?
“I don’t know Lily.”
Her eyes “ the most amazing eyes the world has ever seen “ glisten, and her voice quavers. “Please don’t. Please Sev, it’s not you. You’re better than that.”
I feel anger then. I’m better than that, but not good enough for her?
”I’m not better than that.” I turn away from her, not wanting her to see the emotions that I cannot keep down. “It “ It’s like this. I’m.. dark.. And I can’t fight it anymore.” My voice breaks, though I am trying so hard it hurts to keep it steady.
“But Lily, the worst part about being me, the part that “ that pushes me closer and closer to the edge “ the part that makes me most.. weak…” I can’t believe I’m telling her this. My throat hurts and my stomach is in knots. I throw my head back and blink furiously to keep the tears at bay.
“The worst part of being me… is not having you.”
I hear I small sound, a pained and sorrowful whimper, but I don’t turn around. I have already emptied myself to her, and there is no more I can do. Soon I hear the sound of her leaving, leaving for good.
My eyes squeeze shut, and I feel my heart harden to stone.
All remaining traces of Lily “ any hope I had of ever finding my way back to the light “ are gone. And I stand there, on my last night a student, wondering at the new, unfeeling, shell of a man I have become.