13: Trust
All things considered, Tonks decided afterwards, Wednesday 4th of July was not the greatest day of her life.
At least the potion she’d brewed to relieve her personal pressure issues was working, so that for the time being at least, she could avoid the indignity of either having to morph herself to the proportions of those ridiculous self-satisfied Muggle women that Sirius had plastered the walls of his teenage bedroom with, or milking herself like some bloody Friesian in the shower. The potion was meant for temporary relief rather than being a permanent solution, so she’d either have to brew another batch come Friday, or speak to her mum about whatever probably disturbing methods her ancestors had used to preserve their so-called dignity and stabilise their hormone balance, but for now at least, she was feeling more human and better able to cope with stress.
Which was lucky considering that first thing that morning, her husband had promptly proceeded to throw up his guts and then collapsed in a faint on the bathroom floor.
Those few minutes had been the closest Tonks had come to hurling caution to the winds and flinging their cover out of the window once and for all. Remus had been so pale, lying there limply, his eyes closed, his breathing shallow, and all she’d wanted to do was rush to the fire and scream down the Floo to St Mungo’s for a Healer to help him, to rouse him, to bring him back to her. He’d been her rock through this whole bizarre business, the one solid, wonderful, unchanged thing that she could cling to, and without his steady comfort, she could already feel the threads by which she was hanging on starting to fray and snap around her. She needed him so badly it was painful, she loved him too much to watch him suffer, but yet that was all her circumstances allowed her to do. Teddy had bolted for the apothecary at a run at her command, but she was a trained Auror, a woman of action, and it felt so bad, so infuriating, so agonising, to just sit here and wait, unable to act as the man she loved lay unconscious on the ground.
This was all wrong!
In that moment, all the frustration she had been feeling seemed to bubble to the surface; it was all she could do not to scream at the realisation that even something as normal and simple as calling a Healer to help her sick husband was denied to her. Her normal life, for all that most people would not have seen it so, was gone forever, and with the threat of prosecution and prison hanging over their son should they ever try to resume it, it seemed unlikely that it would ever be back again. Merlin, maybe dying would have been better than living in this ridiculous limbo…
No. No, I mustn’t think such stupid things, I can’t let myself…
And then Remus had coughed and his eyelids had fluttered and the world had swung right on its axis once more.
With the beacon of light that was Remus to focus on, she was quickly able to chase the darker thoughts away. As she struggled to help him to his feet and get him back into the bedroom, Teddy had returned clutching a sack of supplies, and together they had bundled the weakened Remus back into the bed. With the careful application of various potions, they at least managed to keep him awake for most of the afternoon, coherent and with his now minimal stomach contents remaining precisely where they should. They talked, playing games of chess and cards and questioned Teddy on this or that aspect of how life had changed in twenty years. But as evening rolled in, his condition abruptly worsened, the nausea returning, the aches worsening, before he finally faded back into unconsciousness once more. A quick count of the hours passed since their tumultuous journey through the Portal told Tonks that, as far as Remus’ body clock was concerned, it was almost moonrise.
Now all they could do was wait and see.
Remus had been right when he’d said there wouldn’t be “ couldn’t be “ a change, but the violent convulsions that took hold of his body not long after he’d fallen into sleep were so reminiscent of his emergence from the Portal and that stupid nightmare he’d had, that they had her wondering for a terrible few seconds if he’d been wrong. But the fit had eased after less than a minute and he’d remained in an uneasy, twitchy sleep after that; she and Teddy had left him to it, talking quietly as they prepared a lateish dinner, discussing inconsequential, get-to-know-you type things until bedtime. Tonks had agreed to Teddy’s request that she call him at once if either of them needed him, and then she’d climbed into bed with her twitching husband and slipped into an unsettled sleep.
It was closing on three in the morning when Tonks was woken by the vibrations of the bed to find her husband convulsing once more. This time she held him awkwardly until the shudders passed, and to her profound relief, his eyes opened, gazing at her tiredly as he forced a wan smile.
“Well,” he muttered hoarsely. “That could have been worse.”
Tonks respected his fragile state enough not to hit him. But it was a close run thing.
Both of them managed a few more restful hours of sleep after that, before waking to find a slightly embarrassed but smiling Teddy lingering in their doorway with a tray full of breakfast-in-bed. With Remus claiming to feel almost back to himself, they happily shared tea, toast and cereal on the bedspread with their son and ignored Remus’ jokey protests about the lack of eggs in favour of pelting him with cornflakes. Once the eating was done, and the mess magically cleaned away by her husband’s more domestically proficient hand, Tonks excused herself to the bathroom for a shower. Although the potion was still enough in effect to mean that the uncomfortable pressure and the need to physically relieve it had passed, Tonks could feel the slow build up inside of herself that meant it wouldn’t be long before the whole cycle would begin again.
Such was the price of motherhood, she supposed, as the water cascaded down her face like false tears she no longer wished to cry. But thinking about Teddy’s wicked grin and dancing eyes as he’d tossed cereal at his father, she had to admit it was a price worth paying.
He was her son. Twenty years old, yes, and with a career and a home and a ruddy love life, but he was without question her child and she loved him for it. She still missed the little baby she’d cuddled in her arms, with an almost tangible ache that she strongly suspected would take months, even years to fade, but at least now she could reconcile the two faces of her son and love them both as deeply.
A few flicks of her towel wiped the last hints of the water away from her skin. Pulling on her still rather musty-smelling dressing gown, she made a mental note to do some laundry as she shuffled onto the landing and headed back towards the bedroom.
“I’m just so scared, dad. I love her so much but I’ve lied to her face. What if she can’t forgive that?”
Tonks paused, her hand halting as it reached out to push back the half-open door, as her son’s voice drifted out onto the landing. Through the few inches worth of gap, she could see Remus leaning back against the headboard, staring with a mixture of sympathy and understanding at Teddy, who was sat with his shoulders slumped on one corner of the bed, one hand wiping its way uncomfortably across his face.
“That’s going to be up to her.” Remus’ voice was soft and calm, but Tonks could tell by the crease of his brow and the look in his eyes that his emotions were paddling like mad beneath the still surface of his face. “But you have to tell her. Believe me when I say that things sound so much worse when they come from other people.”
“I know, I know. Like I have to tell Harry and Gran.” Teddy’s fingertips massaged the bridge of his nose intensely. “I think they’ll forgive me. They’ll be disappointed and angry I went behind their backs and broke the law, but they’ll be so pleased to have you both back as well and that’ll make a difference. But Victoire “ no offence, dad, but she doesn’t know you and mum from Adam.” A quick wave of Remus’ hand dismissed the possibility of any upset at this statement of fact. “You’re nothing to her personally. All I wanted was to keep her out of it, protect her from the consequences, but as far as she’s concerned, she’ll probably think I didn’t trust her. And I could lose her for that.”
“Trust is a delicate thing.” Tonks jumped slightly as Remus eyes lifted and met hers, and one gentle quirk of his eyebrow was enough to both acknowledge her presence and request that she not interrupt. Her nod in reply made him smile slightly. “When it’s lost, it’s difficult to get back. If your mother was had loved me any less, and hadn’t been so blasted stubborn-” he grinned dryly, avoiding the glare of mock death he must have sensed her hurling in his direction “-then she probably wouldn’t have trusted me enough to marry me after my year-long steaming great crisis of confidence, let alone to stick with me after she got pregnant and I went and had steaming great crisis of confidence number two.” One hand reached out and squeezed his son’s taut shoulder reassuringly. “And if there’s one thing I know better than most, it’s how difficult it is to tell a woman you care about that you’ve been lying to her.” His eyes flicked to Tonks once more, this time filled with an odd mix of apology and wry embarrassment, as she realised just where he was about to take the conversation. “You probably don’t want to know this,” he remarked, his voice somewhat rueful but oddly determined. “But your mother was the first woman with whom I was ever…well… intimate.”
Teddy’s head rose sharply, and the look of mingled surprise and mild discomfort at this distinctly personal revelation forced Tonks to bite down a chuckle. “Really?” he said incredulously. “But I thought… I mean you and mum didn’t meet until…”
“I was thirty-five. Yes, I did keep track.” There was something faintly endearing about the flush creeping up Remus’ cheeks. “But I’m not telling you this fascinating fact purely in order to hideously embarrass us both. The fact of the matter is, I hadn’t lived as a monk warding off women with an air of self-righteous celibacy before that. I’d come close…” The flush deepened to a rich scarlet. “Very close to going that step further on several occasions. But before your mother I never let myself do it.” He chuckled slightly. “Not that there weren’t several severe tests of my self control.”
He must have sensed his wife’s redoubled glare of death heating his skin because he coughed sharply, his eyes carefully avoiding the door. “Because the point was, I’d made myself a promise. When I was in my fifth year at Hogwarts, I watched my friends and classmates start to pair themselves off and I wanted that myself. There was one girl from Ravenclaw…” His eyes glazed for a moment in misty nostalgia before apparently remembering the identities of both members of his audience and snapping himself prudently back to earth. “But at the same time, I couldn’t bear the thought of becoming that close to someone and lying to them about who “ about what “ I was. It felt like the worst breach of somebody’s trust I could make “ to not give them the choice as to whether or not to sleep with someone who was, in the eyes of society and the law, a Dark Creature. So I made a vow to myself right there and then that I would never allow myself to become intimately involved with any woman who didn’t know exactly what she was getting herself into. And I kept it.” His smile was both sorrowful and proud. “I kept it too well. Because I was too afraid to trust any woman I grew close to. I was terrified that I would tell her the truth and she’d run screaming into the night. I couldn’t face the rejection and so I never let myself try. I never let myself trust. And though in a way I can be grateful that my lack of trust led me to your mother, at the same time it is one of the shameful truths of my life that I have never willingly told another living soul about my condition. Every person who has known that I am a werewolf has come to that knowledge by other means.” His eyes lowered towards the bedspread. “And aside from your mother, only one woman I have dated has ever known and she guessed the truth for herself. It was the lies, not my condition that ended that relationship. Every other has ended at my hand because I was too afraid to risk going any further. I kept my promise by hiding from the truth. And even with your mother, who knew from the very start and hence stripped me of my convenient excuse to step back, I very nearly ruined everything. I trusted her. But I couldn’t bring myself to trust her to trust me, couldn’t believe that there was anything for her to trust and that nearly cost me her… and you.” He smiled gently. “And the point behind this blather is this “ you have to trust people, Teddy. You have to give them the chance to trust you. Because if you keep trying to hide from Victoire, or if she learns the truth elsewhere, you will lose her without question. By telling the truth to her, I admit you may lose her anyway, but that’s her decision to make, not yours. Trust her. And trust her to trust you. If what you have is worth fighting for, she’ll make the right decision.”
The slow, weary, determined smile that spread across Teddy’s face matched his father’s so precisely that for a moment, Tonks wondered if he was morphing it to match. Quietly, he rose to his feet.
“Thanks dad,” he said softly. “I really needed to hear that.”
Remus pulled himself round to sit on the edge of the bed facing his son. “What are you going to do now?”
Teddy swallowed a deep breath. “I still think it’ll have to be Harry first. I had an owl from Gran this morning saying she’ll be back tomorrow morning though. “ Tonks felt her heart leap unbidden at the news her mother would soon be returning. “So if I owl Ginny and ask when Harry’s coming back, I should be able to see him later today and Gran tomorrow morning. And then, I guess, it’s time to trust Victoire.” He sighed deeply. “I just wish they were all here now. I want this over with.”
Remus rose, forcing Tonks to shift position in order to maintain her view as her husband placed one hand against his son’s shoulder. “Teddy. Why leave her until last? Go and tell Victoire now.”
Tonks felt a surge of irrational irritation “ she didn’t want that girl to come back here, she didn’t want her sharing in a family secret before her mother had even been told… But the look of mingled hope, terror and confusion on Teddy’s face forced her to still her personal surge of motherly protectiveness. Remus was right. Their son had been lying to everyone he loved for days. He needed this.
“I… I mean, are you sure?” Anxiety was written large across Teddy’s features. “We agreed to Harry first…”
“Do you think she’d tell?”
Teddy frowned slightly. “Not if I asked her not to. Even if she was furious with me for lying to her, she’s not vindictive, and as long as she understands I’m going to tell Harry as soon as he’s back…”
Remus smiled reassuringly. “Then go. Tell her. Trust her.”
Teddy’s smile was both relieved and taut with terror. He braced his shoulders manfully. “Okay,” he breathed. “I will. I guess…” He gestured down at the pyjamas he was still wearing. “I guess I’d better wash and get dressed.”
Tonks was prudent enough to step away from the door as Teddy walked towards it, greeting her son as though she’d just that moment stepped from the shower, as he hurried past her with a nervous nod of his head and vanished into the bathroom in her place. Ducking back, she finally opened the door to their bedroom and stepped inside.
Remus was standing by the wardrobe, still pale, but steady on his feet and looking, by Remus Lupin standards, reassuringly healthy. He smiled at her a little ruefully.
“Did you hear that whole thing?” he asked wryly.
Tonks grinned crookedly. “A Ravenclaw girl?”
Remus snorted as he reached into the wardrobe and drew out a set of robes. “You can talk,” he retorted, although Tonks was amused to note that a faint hint of a blush still stained his cheeks. “This from the woman who once told me she decided aged fourteen that Bill Weasley was going to be the love of her life.”
“What can I say? He looked good with a badge on.”
“And I do remember long, misty-eyed conversations with me and Sirius in that first month we met about a certain young Auror called Simon, who you described as having a God-like physique and muscles to die for…”
“Bring him up again and I will hit you with something pointy.”
Remus chuckled. “Fair’s fair. Besides, you were seeing Simon every day, whereas the last I’d heard of that particular girl was that she’d moved to Borneo for a magi-zoology project she was starting, with her husband and two kids in tow and child number three on the way.” His brow creased with thoughtful horror. “Dear Gods, she’s probably a grandmother by now.”
“Never mind, Remus.” Tonks snatched up some robes of her own as she squeezed her hair into curls in her preferred shade of pink. It was the first time since the Portal that she’d really felt much like morphing for the pleasure of it. “I rather like the thought of looking so good for my age.”
There was something slightly mordant about Remus’ chuckle as he pulled his robes on and settled them over his shoulders. “Well, that’s one thing, I suppose. For the first time since I was about twenty, I look the same age as my contemporaries.”
Teddy’s arrival was all that prevented Tonks from thumping her husband’s self-deprecating head with a conveniently placed pillow. The young man smiled nervously as he adjusted his robes and settled his hair into a rather contrite-looking shade of brown.
“Well, I’m going,” he announced awkwardly. “Wish me luck. If I survive the morning, I’ll come back by lunchtime and we can arrange to have Harry come round. You’ll be okay?”
Remus grinned. “No wild parties, I promise. And I’ll try and stop your mother from wreaking the house.”
They heard Teddy chuckling as he headed down the stairs, heard him call out “Shell Cottage!” as the fireplace whooshed and roared and carried him on his way, leaving Remus and Tonks alone in their old home.
Smiling to herself, Tonks dropped herself down on the windowsill, leaning back against the pane as she watched Remus brushing out his thick and permanently dishevelled hair. Why he bothered was a mystery “ it was hardly as though they were expecting company for an hour or two yet, and she had always preferred him a little mussed. It brought back pleasant memories that, once potions and hormones were sorted out, she had every intention of refreshing…
Lost in a brief daydream, Tonks didn’t notice that the cushion of the window seat was slipping until she found herself tumbling to the floor in a haze of ripping curtains and flurried limbs.
Remus’ laughter rang out across the room. “Dora, I just told Teddy I wouldn’t let you wreck the house!”
“Well it’s your fault then, isn’t it?” Rubbing her bruised thigh, Tonks accepted the offered hand and pulled herself uncomfortably back to her feet. “Clearly you’ve been negligent in your duties as a Tonks wrangler and…”
But the sentence went no further. For at that precise moment came the knock at the door.
Tonks froze. Remus froze. Their eyes locked.
Remus’ eyes darted towards the window, to the now battered curtains and the lawn beyond; abruptly, he caught Tonks by the arm and hauled her sharply back against the wall and out of any potential sight. “Was that…?”
Tonks felt herself nod. “I think so. But we can just ignore it. They’ll think no-one’s in and they’ll go away…”
The knock came again. It was a firm knock. A determined knock. A knock that meant business. Tonks had been in law enforcement long enough to know the knock of trouble. Or the knock of those in search of trouble.
Oh shitty shit. That can’t be good.
We just have to wait. Wait for them to go away, wait for them to give up and leave…
“Teddy Lupin?”
The voice, magically amplified, echoed up from below, a woman’s voice, hard and businesslike.
“Mr Lupin, I know you’re there.” The tone was dry and cold as ice. “I saw the curtains moving upstairs.” Tonks blanched as Remus felt his own eyes widen. Oh Dear Merlin… “ This is Zenobia Moon from the Auror Department,” the voice continued, confirming Tonks’ suspicion and worst fears all at once. “I have with me Edgar Fortescue and Dennis Creevey from the Department of Mysteries. We’re here regarding Penelope Weasley and the sabotage of the Time Division Portal. We have some important questions and I must ask you to open the door immediately. I have a warrant, Mr Lupin. If you do not comply, I have the authority to enter and arrest you for non-compliance.” Zenobia Moon’s voice was sharp. “And I don’t think any of us want that, now do we?”
Tonks couldn’t help but think that truer words were never spoken. But that didn’t change the facts.
It’s like Remus said. People can’t find out like this.
She had completed the morph before Remus had even noticed she was changing and his wide, horrified eyes were enough to tell her that he did not approve of the plan. But she forestalled his arguments with a hard glare.
“What choice have we got?” she hissed sharply. “She’ll be in here otherwise. Teddy won’t be back for a while and I can’t pretend to be him with people who know him. I’ll bluff. It worked with Victoire, didn’t it?”
She could see his mouth working, forming words of protest, but she didn’t wait to listen.
“Stay here,” she told him. “Trust me.”
And then drawing her robes around her and squaring her shoulders, the woman who appeared to be Andromeda Tonks turned and hurried down the stairs