5: Protection
Dad knows. He knows who I am.
Teddy was sure of it; as sure as he ever had been of anything in his life before. It had been written on his face, in his eyes as he’d stared at his young rescuer, before shifting his gaze to the wall where Teddy knew the Portal room calendar to be. And then when he’d looked back, his expression had been crystal clear. Recognition, realisation, not a small amount of shock “ though the latter was of course to be expected, since it wasn’t every day a man left his baby son behind and came across him fully grown a few hours later. But his dad had known, and the look he’d glimpsed on his mum’s face suggested strongly that she wasn’t far behind him.
His dad. His mum.
They were here. Looking at him. Seeing him. Recognising him. He’d talked to them. He’d touched them. No longer was he a spectator, silent and unseen, watching their life go by like a performance in which he could not take part. They were here. His parents were here.
He’d done it.
And as he made his way hurriedly into the clock-filled corridor that led to the various sections of the Time Division, it was all Teddy could do to keep himself from beaming like an idiot.
But the sound of sharp footsteps and the sudden appearance of his godfather in the door at the far end of the corridor brought him abruptly back down to earth. Yes, he’d done it. And from the look on Harry’s face, it was time to face the consequences.
But he couldn’t tell him. Not the truth.
Because if there was going to be fallout from his actions that evening, Teddy was quite determined it would only fall on him.
He stopped, watching his godfather advance, messy haired and breathless, firmly clutching a sheaf of crumpled looking papers in one hand. No, he couldn’t tell Harry. After everything Harry had done for him over the years, the love and care he’d shown him, he knew full well that he couldn’t put him in that kind of position. Teddy had broken the law. Emphatically. And his godfather was Head of the Auror Department. How could he ask him to choose between his godson and his work? How could he make Harry face having to either arrest him for blatant misuse of a powerful, restricted magical object or, be dragged into a conspiracy of silence that, if uncovered, would cost him his job and possibly his freedom?
Simple. He couldn’t. So Harry wasn’t going to find out.
Carefully, he adjusted his features into an expression of mild, but happy surprise. He smiled with deliberate bewilderment
“Harry!” he exclaimed. “What are you…”
“Can you explain this?” The grimness in his godfather’s expression killed the smile stone dead. “Because I really want to know this is not what it looks like. I really want to know you aren’t this stupid.”
Papers, crumpled and messy, were thrust into his hands. He looked down.
Oh Merlin…
His notes. How the hell had Harry got hold of his notes? He’d been so careful, keeping them safely locked up in the drawer of his desk so that no one would ever know what he was planning…
Except tonight. He’d been in such a hurry that he hadn’t put them away before he’d left. He’d left them scattered on the table.
And Harry must have come round to see him and…
Bugger.
Bugger, bugger, bugger.
Well at least now he could be sure that the Felix Felicis had worn off.
Think. Think fast…
But Harry’s voice was already ploughing on, green eyes fixed upon his face with searing intensity. “I really can’t believe this.” He was shaking his head. “After everything your Gran and I have told you about your parents, after seeing them for yourself in the Portal… do you really think that this is what they’d have wanted? Do you think that the Remus and Tonks you’ve got to know could bear to see their only son risking his future and his freedom in some pointless attempt to bring them back from the dead? They’d throw fits, Teddy, and you know it!” He shook his head again, turning away from Teddy at last as he took a moment to pace a little way along the corridor, eyes suddenly faraway. “You know I saw your father in the forest.” His voice was suddenly very soft. “I told you about it. And you’ve tried to explain to me often enough that history can only happen how you remember or you wouldn’t remember it at all. And I can’t say it ever made much sense to me but…” His eyes rose, meeting Teddy’s once more, an odd kind of plea echoing within their emerald depths. “They’re dead, Teddy. And I’m sorry but nothing’s going to change that. If it could, don’t you think I’d have done it by now?” He sighed deeply. “I hoped visiting their past through the Portal would cure you of this, not make it worse. But when Victoire brought me those notes…”
“Victoire?” For the first time, Teddy found the will to interrupt his godfather’s words. “What does she have to do with it? She’s in France, she won’t be back until Monday and…” It was as though someone had doused his heart in ice cold water as horror swamped him from crown to sole; he’d promised, he’d promised her he’d go round and see her as soon as she got back on Monday night, but with his plans and his inspiration that evening, he’d completely forgotten that… “Oh Merlin, it is Monday, oh no…” The words slipped out almost unconsciously as one hand shot to his forehead. “I promised her. She’s going to kill me.”
He could have sworn for an instant that the corner of Harry’s mouth twitched slightly upwards. “I’d say that’s pretty much a given,” he remarked dryly. “And when you failed to arrive as promised, she Flooed straight over to your house and found those.”
Victoire’s seen my notes? Oh sweet Merlin, I’m in more trouble than I thought…
“And since some people have the sense to talk to the people who care about them and want to help them rather than plotting away in private-” Harry ploughed on relentlessly; Teddy did allow himself the fleeting, rebellious thought that from what Ginny, Hermione and Ron had told him over the years, Harry himself had never exactly been one for sharing his troubles in his youth either “-Victoire brought these straight over to show me. You owe that girl a big apology, you know. She’s worried sick about you.”
“I’ll go and see her as soon as I can.” Mention of his girlfriend had sent Teddy’s carefully ordered thoughts into an abrupt freefall, but manfully he struggled to bring himself back to order in time to deflect any further queries. Harry, it seemed, still believed that these were plans alone; he didn’t know that Teddy had already gone through with it, already succeeded...
I can’t let slip to Harry that it’s already too late …
“I’ll go and see her,” he said with a suddenly emphatic nod, fingering the papers with careful uncertainty. “And make sure she knows that this is all a big misunderstanding. Harry…” He braced himself, silently and repeatedly apologising for the fact he was about to lie, barefaced, to the godfather who had been so good to him for all of his life. “You didn’t think I was really going to go through with that, did you?”
One of Harry’s eyebrows curved suspiciously. His lips tightened to a thin line.
“If you’re about to try and spin your way out of this, forget it,” he informed Teddy sharply. “I’ve heard stories from Neville about your talent for talking yourself out of trouble when you were at school, and I know exactly where you get it from. I got in trouble once, serious trouble with Severus Snape, and your dad came in and talked me out of there without so much as losing me house points. So don’t try anything on with me. I know the drill.”
Harry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to do this, why didn’t I realise this is what I’d have to do?
“But it’s true,” he insisted with as much vehement fake sincerity as he could bear to muster. “It’s just…” He made himself shake his head and turn away, fixing his gaze upon an intricately designed grandfather clock so that he wouldn’t have to face those searching eyes. He felt like a complete and utter git, but he had to do this, he had to deceive Harry for all their sakes or everything would be ruined. His parents had been willing to die to protect his future; surely he could tell a few lies to protect them in return.
Even if it meant lying to one of the people in his life he loved the most.
You can do this. You have to do this.
It’s the only way to keep all three of them safe.
He’d thought so much about the ways and means of bringing them back. He hadn’t thought about what he’d have to do afterwards in order to keep them.
He forced himself to sigh deeply. “When I first saw them die, I couldn’t handle it.” That much at least was true. “I found myself thinking over and over again how unfair it was, how if one little thing had been different, they could have lived and we’d have been a family. And then I started trying to think of ways to make it happen.” He deliberately clenched his fists. “I know it was stupid. In the end, it was writing it down that made me see how stupid it was. I was just looking at those notes tonight and I realised what an idiot I was being. That’s why I came here, to the Portal. I wanted to see them one last time before I stepped away for good. I wanted to say goodbye.” He could feel his shoulders shaking, and he hoped and prayed that Harry would attribute the tremble to intense emotion rather than self-flagellating nerves. “And then when I got home, I was going to chuck these stupid notes in the fire. In fact, here!” Turning abruptly, he thrust the papers into his godfather’s astonished hands. “Take them, take them away! Shred them, burn them, line an owl cage with them for all I care but I don’t want to see them again!”
Harry stared down at the crumpled ball of paper resting once more in his hands. He was frowning deeply, but his eyes were filled with…
No, no, no sympathy please…
“Teddy…”
Deliberately Teddy turned away, raking his hand through his turquoise hair. “Don’t, please,” he muttered with complete sincerity. “Just let it go, okay? It’s over now.”
“Are you sure?”
Harry, just believe me, just let it go…
“Of course I’m sure. I wouldn’t have said so if I wasn’t.” Teddy winced internally at the sincerity in his own voice. I am such a git…
The touch of his godfather’s hand, gentle and reassuring against his shoulder was almost more than he could bear.
“I’m only making sure because I care.” Harry’s voice was becoming painful to his ears “ more than anything, he just wanted to turn tail and get the hell out of this mess before he dug his trench of guilt any deeper. “For your sake, and the sake of what I owe to your parents, I have to be certain you’re not going to risk your future over some futile plan.” Slowly, agonisingly, Teddy felt himself being turned to face his godfather once more. Green eyes drilled painfully into his face once more. “So I’m going to have to ask you to swear.”
The bottom dropped out of Teddy’s stomach. No, no, no, no, I can’t do that! Oh Merlin, what am I going to do?
But Harry was relentless, his grasp steady, his gaze firm. “So, I want you to look me in the eye, Teddy. Look me in the eye and swear to me on your parents’ graves that you’ll never try to bring them back. Please.”
His parents’ graves.
Harry had asked him to swear on his parents’ graves.
Which were otherwise known as two empty holes full of rotting spell residue.
Deep inside his mind, Teddy could hear a part of himself laughing with sudden, frantic hysteria. Of all the oaths he could have asked for, of all the promises he could have been requested to make, Harry had chosen the one that he could in good conscience agree to. It wouldn’t be pleasant, but it wouldn’t be a travesty either.
Perhaps the Felix Felicis hasn’t quite worn off after all…
Summoning every flailing ounce of courage he had left, Teddy forced his gaze up to meet Harry’s.
“I swear,” he said deliberately. “On the graves of Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin, the graves I have visited and laid flowers at with you and with Gran, that I will make no attempt now or at any time in the future to alter history in order to save my parents.”
It was a masterpiece of an oath. Every part of it was true. Every part of it was a lie.
And Harry was smiling.
He believed him.
Teddy Lupin. You just flat-out lied to your godfather.
But I had to do it.
“Thank you,” he said with such sincerity that it was all Teddy could do not to wince. “Call me a distrustful sod if you like, but I needed to hear that. Well-” his hand clapped down with in sudden good cheer on Teddy’s shoulder “-now that’s all sorted, shall we get out of here? I’ll come with you to Shell Cottage so see Victoire if you like, or you can come back to Grimmauld Place with me if you want to talk some more…”
”I can’t.” Teddy hoped the words spilling from his lips didn’t sound as horrified as they had done in his mind. “I mean, I’ve left the Portal and everything in a mess. I’ve got to tidy up first.”
“Need a hand?”
Oh please stop being so bloody nic… “It’s kind of restricted, Harry. You shouldn’t really even be in here…”
Harry flushed faintly but he continued to smile. “Ah well. Old habits die hard, I guess. Do you want me to wait for you outside?”
Teddy shook his head. “It’ll take a while. And anyway…” He gave a slightly embarrassed shrug. “If I’ve got to go and grovel for forgiveness from my girlfriend, I could do without any witnesses.”
At that Harry laughed outright. “Now that I can relate to. The amount of grovelling I’ve had to do with Ginny over the years…” He chuckled again and gave Teddy’s shoulder another squeeze. “Will we see you for dinner at Grimmauld Place this week? James hasn’t stopped asking when you’ll next be coming over.”
Teddy managed to smile in return. “I think Victoire gets first dibs on my time this week. But I’ll see what I can do.”
“Well it’s an open invitation.” Finally Harry withdrew his hand. “Drop by any time. Bring Victoire along if you like.”
“I’ll ask her.” Teddy hesitated and then forced the words out. “Thanks Harry. For everything.”
“No problem.” With a final smile, his godfather turned and started back towards the dark door that led into the rotating hallway. “See you soon. Oh!” He turned suddenly, almost apologetically and Teddy couldn’t hold back the abrupt surge of horror in his heart. Did he know? Was he about to strip the lies away?
But no. “Which door is it to get out from here?”
Teddy bit back a sigh of relief. “Two left from straight ahead.”
“Thanks. And good luck with Victoire!”
And then, with a final smile and a quick wave over his shoulder, Harry pulled the door shut and was gone.
And Teddy felt sick. Felt sick at the lies he had told, felt sick that he was so relieved to see his godfather leave, felt sick that he had sworn an oath, however carefully crafted, and known he hadn’t meant it.
Is this what it’s going to be now? Is this the price I’ll have to pay for protecting those I love?
Have I done the right thing?
Yes.
In spite of it all, yes. How could he wonder when he’d felt his father’s eyes upon him, heard the real, true sound of his mother’s voice…
“Teddy?”
For a moment, he wondered if he was imagining that he’d heard her speak, that the thought alone had somehow conjured the words into the air. But then he heard a door creak open, heard footsteps in the corridor behind him and he knew that his ears had not been deceived by his mind.
He turned.
His father still looked weak, clinging to his mother’s shoulder with as much dignity as he could muster, still battered, bruised and bloodied from the battle he’d fought and his experience - whatever that had been - inside the Portal. For her part, his mother’s eyes were fixed upon him. Her skin was chalk white, bloodless.
One look was enough for him to know. They’d been listening.
They’d heard everything.
“You’re Teddy.” There was a flatness beneath his mother’s trembling tone, a strange cocktail of disbelief, shock, horror and daunted hope. “Our Teddy. Grown up.”
And Teddy found that he was smiling again, smiling in spite of the lies he’d had to tell, in spite of the shock on his parents’ faces. Because despite everything that had happened, it didn’t change the fact that they were here.
He loved them and they were here.
Now all he had to do was hope that somehow he could find a life for them to live. And that they, at least once they were over the shock of it all, would learn to love him once more as well as he loved them.
“Mum,” he said softly. “Dad. Welcome to your future.”