I never could remember dates. The exact time something happened was usually a big blur in my memory. I typically got the general season, month if I was lucky, but I was always rubbish with days. Monday, Tuesday, the fifth or twenty-third, it never mattered much to me.
But I remember this one. It was January 29th. I only remember because it was the night before my eighteenth birthday. It’s funny how one remembers things like that, and I always wonder if I would have remembered anyway. It was a turning point, important enough to remember, but I will never really know.
I walked slowly out of the common room, mechanically, dreading where I was headed. My legs moved on their own accord, remembering the promise I made. Why had I? Why had I said I would see him? I had nothing to say. Maybe it was the desperation in his voice, the clear anxiety in his manner. He was never nervous; he said that was an emotion for the weak. Maybe that’s why I agreed.
I glanced around the room, hoping for anything to delay the meeting. The common room had quieted down, maybe because of early Monday classes the next morning, or maybe everyone was sneaking off, like me. Sirius Black was in a squashy chair, apparently sleeping, books and parchment on his lap. Mary Macdonald, my “best friend” since Severus, was chatting with Clara Travis.
I never understood why there had to always be a best friend. I couldn’t just not have a one, not Lily Evans. Girls like Lily Evans have to have a best friend. So to most, Mary was my best friend. Whether it was true or not, I never knew. But I guess it never mattered much, because since mid-sixth year, I considered James my best friend. The only problem was that he already had a best friend.
Anyway, I exited through the portrait hole, ready to use my Head Girl status as a means to get away if caught. That wasn’t really on my mind though. It was Severus. I didn’t know what to expect, and I hated that.
I hadn’t talked, really talked, to him in a long time. Not since the summer before sixth year. That was the end of our road, the end of our friendship. I hadn’t wanted it to end, but I had to take the other route. I didn’t have a choice, so I walked away.
I did look back. After the immediate anger, after I cooled off, I thought about it. I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t just a rash decision. The end of an old friendship couldn’t be made in the heat-of-the-moment.
But I knew it wasn’t. Severus had changed; I had changed.
For so many years, I carried his friendship. It was a burden “ having to deal with the looks and the questions, the comments from James and Sirius, even from my own friends “ but I was willing to carry it. I didn’t mind. It was just, as time passed, the load became ever heavier. I had more reasons against him, and I began to see what others saw.
And I was free. I felt, for the first time, I could be myself. I didn’t have to defend Severus anymore; I didn’t have to hate James and his friends. I dated guys, guys that Severus would have made malicious comments about. I even befriended James Potter, who was more different than I ever expected. For once, I could enjoy being myself, being a Gryffindor.
Severus wanted to ruin that. I knew that he did. He wanted to drag me back toward him, and I knew I couldn’t do that. Whatever he was before, it had amplified since our split. He became so immersed in the Dark Arts, I often wondered if he thought of me at all. As for me, I always did. No matter what had happened, he had been my friend, and I wished him the best in life. It killed me to see that he would not have that.
Still, I didn’t want to talk to him. I had nothing to say, but I walked. Down the endless corridors, passed the dosing portraits, up the winding staircases “ and straight into James Potter.
“Lily,” he said, eyes widening at my unexpected presence.
“Hi,” I answered nervously. I didn’t want to see James either, not there, not in the middle of the deserted hallway. I didn’t want to have that conversation in the eerily-lit corridor, the pale moon barely casting any glow through the nearby window.
“Where are you headed?” James inquired, clearly uncomfortable and looking for words. He hadn’t expected the conversation this early either.
“Kitchen.”
“Do you want some compa “ ”
“No!” I interjected quickly without thinking.
“Oh…” I could hear the disappointment in his voice and my anger faded.
“I just “ I just want to think.”
“Yeah…okay. Did you get the last flowers?” There was desperation in his voice; he was begging for my forgiveness.
Slowly, I nodded. “They’re in your room.” My voice was soft, hating myself more and more each moment. All of the flowers, every single one, from the tulips to the roses and all in-between, had died. I was angry, so I killed them. I made sure they died, and then I put them back in his room. I didn’t even know why I did it. I wanted to hurt him.
Our eyes spoke more than our words. I didn’t know what were in mine; maybe sympathy, maybe excess anger, maybe finality. I knew what were in his, though “ a mix of hurt, disappointment and understanding.
“If you ever change your mind…” His voice faded with a nod, knowing I knew where he would be, and walked away.
I stood rooted to the ground, watching his body disappear into the darkness. I wanted to call after him; I wanted to stop him. I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t important when he began to like me, or that his original intentions had been cruel. I just wanted him to stay.
But I couldn’t. My body wouldn’t move. All I could do was watch…watch him leave my life. And for minutes, I stood there, my brain frozen. I lost my friend, and my heart broke all over again. Another friend lost, a friend that could have been so much more.
It wasn’t long before I intercepted, until I began to function. I didn’t want to think about James. I would think about him another time. I had to meet Severus. I was already fifteen minutes late….
It was the same. The room hadn’t changed in a year and a half. Our place. It was our place. And there was Severus, wondering if I was going to show up. Severus. Severus, sitting there, eyes glued to the door, waiting for me.
“Lily!” he exclaimed in disbelief as I walked through the door. He hadn’t thought I was going to show up. He had good reason. I hadn’t been sure I was going to show up. I had had no reason to, yet I had said I would and I kept my word.
“Hello, Severus.”
He jumped up.
“I-I didn’t think you’d show.”
I gave a curt nod, eyes examining him shrewdly. “Well, I did. What do you want?”
“I miss you.” Severus Snape said those words. Those words came out of Severus Snape’s mouth. How was that possible?
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to react.
“I-I miss talking to you and meeting you. I have since “ forever.” There was desperation in his voice, the same desperation that had been in James’.
But I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know what to say. So I just looked at him, taking in everything about him, everything I once knew. The face that was so familiar.
“You have to believe me!”
Why should I? I continued to stare at him.
“I really “ I really care about you.” And I knew he did. “Lily.” He was pleading. Pleading to make me understand. “I’ll change, I will. I’ll “ I will forget about the Dark Arts, it’ll only be you. I promise. Lily! You have to see.”
I did see. I saw the honesty in his eyes, the earnestness in his voice. He would be true to his words, I knew. I knew that if I rekindled our relationship, if I took it to the level he was willing to, he’d be true to only me. But what if it was just an act? Severus was good at lying.
Even if it was, it sounded nice. He loved me. He had told me so many times toward the end. That was his excuse, as to why we had to stay friends; he was in love with me. He needed me in his life.
To me, that was more reason to run. I couldn’t stay best friends with him, knowing that he loved me.
But I could be with him. Couldn’t I? That kind of loyalty could do me no harm. He would be good to me, he wouldn’t lie and he didn’t want me just to hurt another. I wasn’t an object to him, not the way I was to James. But wasn’t I James’ best friend? Maybe he didn’t think of me like that. Maybe James was my best friend. I was nothing to him, not the way Sirius was.
“Sev, I “ ”
I hadn’t called him Sev in ages and the nickname felt strange in my mouth.
“Wait. I almost forgot.” He dug for his wand. “Happy Birthday.” From thin air, a bouquet of daisies appeared. He handed them to me. Severus Snape was handing me flowers, a gesture of romance, and it was bizarre.
“Thank you,” I managed to splutter out, taking the flowers.
He gave me a nervous smile. I knew that if I said that I’d be his, it’d make him happy.
“Will you give me another chance?” His voice was soft, much too soft for Severus, much too tender.
I wanted to say yes. I wanted to say that I would forget the past, that we could start fresh as girlfriend and boyfriend. I wanted to say that I wanted to be with him.
But I couldn’t.
I had to think about it. I had to think about it because what we had was in the past. I couldn’t forget it. And I didn’t want to, because it played no part in my life. It was the past. The present was James.
James.
James, who never really liked me, who started to pursue me to hurt Severus. James, whom I had been dating. James, who wasn’t my boyfriend. James, who I had hoped would ask me to be his girlfriend. James, whom I would have said yes to in a heartbeat.
“I-I’ll have to think about it.” The words came out before I knew it. Maybe it was the image of James that stopped me from saying yes. Maybe it was my heart.
Severus nodded, disappointed but not crushed. Not yet. There was still hope for him. Maybe there was still hope for James and me.
He walked to the door, but before he left, turned to face me.
“I bet he doesn’t even know it’s your birthday.” His words were quiet but powerful. There was hatred in his eyes, not toward me, but toward the person in my mind. He knew I was thinking of James; he could read minds.
Maybe Severus was right. Maybe James didn’t care about me. Did he even know it was my birthday? My eighteenth birthday…
*
The walk back to the Gryffindor common room was uneventful. It was as though the castle knew I was coming through and intercepted any possible problems.
I had no idea what time it was, but I figured it had been a while, for the common room had thinned out considerably. Mary and Clara appeared to have gone to bed, but Sirius Black was still there, awake now.
I stared at him for a moment, taking him in. He was rapidly writing, his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth. He didn’t seem to notice me, so I continued to watch. Sirius Black. James’ best friend.
That’s when it came to me. James’ best friend…
“Hi, Sirius!” I said, sounding happier than I felt. He continued to write. “Sirius? SIRIUS?”
As if pulled from something, he jumped up.
“Oh, hi, Evans.”
I gave him a strange look. What was wrong with those people? Him, James, Peter, and Remus… they were all off their rockers.
“Unfamiliar name…”
My eyebrow rose. “Your name is unfamiliar to you?” What was I thinking, trying to talk to Sirius Black? Friend or not, I was just being delusional. James, yes. Sirius was pushing it.
He looked at me, his eyes burning holes into my own. “Actually, my first name with your voice, it just didn’t click.” His eyes were so intense, and then, just like that, they were focused on the parchment in front of him, leaving me quite unnerved.
“Oh,” I finally replied. “What are you working on?” I was trying to be friendly and hoped it didn’t sound too forced.
“Potions essay,” Sirius muttered. “Just finished.”
I nodded. “I can look it over, if you’d like.”
I guess that was too friendly, for his grey eyes were up quicker than a bullet.
“Okay,” he said slowly, handing me his essay. “And, yes, I’ll talk about James.”
He must have seen the shock on my face because he let out a chuckle.
“Think I don’t know you at all, Evans?”
I sighed. “I dunno what’s going on.” I abandoned his essay and looked at him, hoping for any answers.
“You’re mad at him and he’s been giving you all sorts of flowers because of it,” Sirius answered simply. I wish it had been that simple.
“You know why I’m mad at him?”
Sirius nodded. “He told you that he only asked you out in fifth year to get Snape mad and jealous.”
“Yes! Why would he tell me that? He told me he really liked me all those years, but he didn’t! He couldn’t have. He just wanted to hurt Severus! What am I supposed to think?” I wanted to believe James; I wanted to be with him. We had been finally dating. I liked him for a whole year and it happened. We were together. Not boyfriend and girlfriend, but at least going to Hogsmeade together! That was something.
And now, I might choose to spend the rest of my life with Severus. Lily Snape… Lily Potter…
Sirius sat back in his chair, looking relaxed. He always looked relaxed. I never knew how. No one could be that easygoing, and part of me assumed he wasn’t. He wanted to look careless because he had more cares than anyone else.
“You’re supposed to think that James is a good guy. You’re supposed to think that he really does like you. Why does it matter what he did two years ago?”
I shrugged. “It just does.” I knew he was right, and I knew my answer sounded awful, but I didn’t care. It did matter.
“You’re just looking for something against him.” Sirius’ voice was cold. He was James’ best friend, and I didn’t blame him for being cold. If James were really my best friend, I wouldn’t have thought things against him; and my voice would have been cold to anyone who did.
My eyes went back to his essay, reading every word, trying to escape his gaze. It was fruitless; I could feel his eyes on me.
“Do you want to know why he really asked you out that first time?”
My head whipped up. “What he said isn’t true?” There was undeniable hope in my voice.
“Well, it is. But why do you think he wanted to get Snape angry?”
I looked into his eyes, hoping mine were just as intense and terrifying. If they were, Sirius didn’t show it.
“Because he hated him,” I answered, my voice low.
Sirius took a breath. “Yes, but why do you think he hated him?” He was getting exasperated, oddly. Usually I was the one who got frustrated when we were in each other’s presence.
“I dunno.”
Sirius rolled his eyes, obviously thinking me an idiot.
“You.”
I didn’t understand.
“He’s always been jealous of Snape.” There was disgust and hatred in Sirius’ eyes.
“What?” The idea was simply preposterous. James Potter, probably the most popular guy in school. Funny, athletic, good-looking, smart, and jealous of Severus Snape? Severus, someone who had nothing compared to James.
“I just don’t…I mean, what do you mean?”
He rolled his eyes again, knowing that I would ask him to clarify. “It all started with you. He told you that he started asking you out because he wanted to get Snape pissed, right?”
I nodded, trying to follow him. In all honesty, it was never easy to follow the thought process of Sirius Black, or his best friend at that.
“Well, Prongs only did that because he hated him. And why did he hate him?”
“Me?”
“Correct.”
“So… He was jealous because Sev and I were friends?” I still struggled to comprehend.
Sirius ran a frustrated hand through his hair. At this gesture, I would have gotten angry. I wasn’t an idiot. It wasn’t like Sirius Black was some being of higher intelligence. But I didn’t get angry. James had been jealous of Severus.
“Friends?” Sirius asked. I stared at him. “He wasn’t jealous because you were friends. He was jealous because he did everything to get your attention, but you were too busy with that ass. You were over the moon for Snape and you wouldn’t even give James a second glance. He was convinced it was Snape’s fault that you didn’t like him. He wasn’t going to take it out on you, so he hated Snape instead. That’s why he asked you out, to hurt Snape for taking you away.”
“Oh,” I mouthed, my head dropping back to Sirius’ Potions essay. I pretended to read it for a few minutes but knew that it was pointless to even look it over “ it was better than mine.
I didn’t stay to chat with Sirius for much longer. After a few more minutes, I stood wearily and said goodnight.
“Evans?”
I turned around, halfway to the stairs.
“Happy Birthday,” Sirius said, glancing at a clock on the wall. 12:01.
I looked at him for a moment, wondering how he knew. Then it came. “James?” I asked. All he did was nod.
I was tired, and it was lucky that I collapsed on my bed when I did, for I didn’t think my legs could hold me another second. However, I wanted to, not sleep, but think.
Did this change anything? Did it matter that James hadn’t really used me as I thought he had? Could I just forget everything that happened with James and fall back to him? Fall. That’s what I would do. Or maybe I had fallen. I was already gone.
But Severus. Severus. His face appeared in my mind, the face that was increasingly unfamiliar. I had known him for so long, but I wasn’t sure if I really did anymore. Did he really ever know me?
I tried to feel something. I thought about him for a few minutes, doing anything to stir up what I had once felt. Once, I had cared for him deeply. I thought I was in love with him. I thought that we’d end up married, that somehow, like in a movie, it’d all work out. I figured that James the Jerk’s head would explode, or he’d die some equally humorous death, and Severus would change for me. I thought we’d grow old together, that’d I’d be the reason his life was good.
I guess that things never really work out that way. I could no longer feel any desire, even for friendship, for Severus. I couldn’t love him and I couldn’t grow old with him. Not after James. There was no comparison.
The funny thing is, I used to say that to Severus. “Don’t worry, Sev, Potter and Black are nothing next to you.” “There’s no comparison, Sev. You’re so much better than them.” “You have qualities that they’ll never have. And you have me.” I guess things really do change.
*
It was my birthday. I turned eighteen. Eighteen. It sounded so much older than I felt. I couldn’t believe how much time had elapsed. Hadn’t I been eleven yesterday? Getting my wand and school robes, riding on the Hogwarts Express, being declared a Gryffindor. Yesterday. Right?
No. Not yesterday. Years ago. Years. I couldn’t believe it. Eighteen. So much had changed. So much was going to change.
I kept my eyes peeled for any sign of James. Nothing. He wasn’t in class or at meals. He just disappeared, evaporated into the air. He had a way of doing that when I wanted to see him most.
I wasn’t going to ask Sirius or any of them where James was. I just didn’t want to talk to them. Not after the oddness of talking to Sirius the night before. When I hurt James, he seemed to have taken personal offence. I guess that’s what best friends do.
Severus was there, though. His eyes seemed to be glued to me, but, thankfully, he didn’t approach me. I couldn’t handle him too; I couldn’t hurt him today. Not on my birthday. It was a No-Hurting day, which meant no hurting someone else either.
“Eighteen, Lil. Merlin, you’re old,” Mary Macdonald joked as we headed to our dormitory. “We need to get a rocking chair in here for you, the old lady you are,” she laughed, opening the door. I rolled my eyes, laughing along.
“Ugh, more flowers. Didn’t you tell him that I’m allergic?”
“What?”
I looked up and spotted more flowers sitting on my bed. It felt like all I ever got were flowers. My name was Lily, so of course, every person on the earth thought it was appropriate to get me some kind of flower. “To match your name,” they’d say, making me want to puke. Flowers die. Couldn’t someone get me something I could keep?
I glanced at the note. It was just a simple Happy Birthday. Wildflowers. Lovely, colourful, vibrant wildflowers.
“I love them. They don’t belong to anyone. They’re just wild, untouched. They aren’t grown to be beautiful, to be given away on Valentine’s Day. They’re just like that. Naturally beautiful. Like you.”
“James,” I muttered to myself.
“More from James?” Mary asked, looking interestedly in my direction. “He must know a florist.”
I smiled.
*
“We are officially not the same age anymore.” His voice floated easily through the air, like a soft mist that surrounded me. I wondered how he knew that it was me without the slightest move of his head.
“March 27th, right?”
He finally turned his head to look at me, smiling. “Right. Funny how I’m younger than you.”
“Well, Potter, I’ve always acted older than you, so it does make sense.” I sat down in a chair not far from the table he was working at.
“Mhm.” He tilted his head a little bit, staring at me. His stare. It made me melt into the chair.
“So, Evans. How many more flowers have to die? Dead flowers don’t faze me, just to let you know.”
I let out a small laugh. “I know that. Living things, who needs those?”
He grinned, but I knew he wanted an answer.
I thought of Severus. Severus’ daisies.
“Only one more,” I slowly answered. I knew he didn’t fully understand, but he understood enough.
He was on his feet in a second, his arms wrapped around me in another.
“So it’s a happy birthday for both of us?” James whispered.
I nodded. It was a happy birthday.