The next four days were, for Remus, a living hell. Tonks was still unconscious in Saint Mungo’s. Though he came by to check on her everyday, and sometimes sit at her bedside, there was always no change in her, other than her hair appearing to be an even lighter blue than it had been, as if it were fading. On the second day, Remus had brought Tonks some tulips and lilies, which he had learned were her favorite flowers from a conversation the two had had on the night of her second Order meeting. They were now on the table beside her bed, in a vase that Remus had brought from his tiny flat.
Now was the fifth day after Tonks’ accident at the battle; it was also the fifth day after Sirius’ death. At the moment, Remus felt more alone than he had ever felt before. He had lost his last remaining best friend, and feared he was to lose the only woman brave enough to show her true feelings for him. But, to his surprise, things began to look up on this day.
When Remus arrived at Saint Mungo’s on the fifth day, he made his way up to Tonks’ room silently, a bouquet of fresh lilies and tulips held in his right hand. He knocked on the door lightly, in case the healer or witch was in there with her.
Quietly, he stepped into the room, looking around and walking over to Tonks’ bed. He glanced down at her as he picked up the vase. Her pink hair was draped over her pillow. Remus turned back to the flowers, then whirled back around, dropping the vase as he realised her change in hair color. As the vase shattered to the floor, there was an intake of breath from Tonks. She sat up quickly, looking around her, saying, “What on Earth was that?”
“Tonks!” Remus gasped, dropping the flowers and rushing to her, pulling her into a tight hug. “Thank God you’re all right!” he said into her hair.
Tonks lifted her arms and wrapped them tightly around Remus, forcing herself to hold back a lump that was beginning to form in her throat. “Remus,” she said croakily. “Am I awake? Is this a dream?”
“You’re awake, Tonks, thank God!” Remus exclaimed, pulling back and placing his hands on Tonks’ shoulders, examining her.
“Remus, how long was I out for?” Tonks asked, her hands now grasping Remus’ elbows, looking at his face intently.
“Well, this is the fifth day after the battle,” Remus answered.
“Five days?” Tonks asked, “It was all because of my dear Aunt Bella, too.” She dropped her hands from where they still rested on Remus’ elbows and began twisting them in her lap.
“And,” she began quietly, casting her eyes downward. “What about the others? Are the kids all safe and well? Are the other Order members all right? Is anyone-” she cut off, not wanting to ask any further.
Remus took one of Tonks’ hands in his, now, and replied, “The kids are fine. They are at the Hospital Wing in Hogwarts… rather, they were five days ago. I am sure Madame Pomfrey patched them all up in a trice. The other Order members got out of it fine. Kingsley got a curse, but they released him from Saint Mungo’s two days ago.” Remus stopped, and gripped Tonks’ other hand in his.
“But, one of ours was killed,” he went on softly. “Bellatrix killed Sirius.”
Tonks stared at Remus in shock. “No,” she said, quietly, searching his eyes for a way to tell her he was lying. But they stared back with a saddened look. “No,” Tonks whispered. “He can’t be dead! Remus, no, he isn’t.”
Remus pulled Tonks close to him, holding her tight. He felt her body begin to shake, and knew she was crying. It hurt him much inside, knowing that she was hurt. He began to stroke her hair with his right hand.
“It’s all my fault,” Tonks’ muffled voice came through a gap between Remus’ and her head. “If I hadn’t let Bella get the better of me, he’d still be here right now.”
“Tonks,” Remus whispered, still stroking her hair. “It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself for his death. It is no one’s fault. Sirius went there fighting for his godson, and he knew that he could be killed. It’s not your fault.”
Tonks pulled her head from where it lay against Remus’ chest, and looked up at his face, her eyes still swimming with tears. “Remus, but if I-” she began, but Remus cut her off.
“Nymphadora, listen to me!” he said, searching her eyes. “It is not your fault. Sirius was a grown man, older than you, and he made the choice to go and defend the one he loves. He wouldn’t want you to think that you had caused this, believe me, he wouldn’t. He would never want any of us to blame ourselves for his death. Please, Tonks, don’t blame yourself.”
Tonks looked up at Remus, tears still falling down her face. She then leaned forward and kissed Remus lightly, swiftly on the lips, then pulled back and turned her face down, so Remus wouldn’t see the blush creeping up her tear-stained cheeks.
“That’s in case something like this happens again, in the next few days,” she said quietly. “Just so you’ll know that I am serious about what I said before… that it’s not a lie.”
Remus looked at Tonks silently. “I do know,” he finally said. “And, if I am to admit, I…” He cut off, wondering if he should truly tell Tonks what he felt.
“What Remus?” Tonks said quietly.
“Tonks, I’ve said it before,” Remus said, looking down, hating himself for what he was about to tell her. “I’m too old for you. I’m too dangerous. Tonks, I could hurt you so deeply, so badly, and I can’t bear to think of what potentially could possibly happen to you.”
“Well, what do you think it is that you’re doing now?” Tonks asked quietly.
“Protecting you,” Remus said, “because, Tonks, I do love you. I just-”
“What?” said Tonks, looking up at him, grabbing his chin and lifting up his head, forcing him to look her in the eyes. “You just don’t want to express how you feel? You just don’t want to hurt me? Well, guess what Remus. I’ve been hurt before. I’m being hurt right now, for God’s sake, with you telling me that my cousin has just died. If you honestly think that you will hurt me if you just tell me what it is that you really feel, then, damn, you must be a complete idiot. Because, Remus, what really hurts is that you tell me how you feel, and then, you tell me that you can’t love me, and you push yourself away from me. That is what hurts.”
Her eyes had tears in them again, dark pools as Remus had once seen them the first day she told him this… could it only have been a little over a week ago? And, here he was again, breaking her heart even more than it already surely was, after hearing about a dear friend and waking up after four days of silence. He really, really hated himself right now.
“Tonks,” he said quietly, looking up at her again. “Will you please just listen to me? Please, just hear me out.”
Tonks stared icily up at Remus. “Why should I?” she asked. “Why should I even want to hear what it is that you have to say, when, obviously, you really don’t even care all that much? Why should your opinion matter in this? Why should your feelings?” She glared at him now, even though her heart was torn inside.
“I don’t know,” Remus answered, “maybe because I am only trying to protect you. Tonks, you don’t seem to get that me being a werewolf is so dangerous, and it could potentially hurt you or anyone else, for that matter, in the long run. You need someone more your age, someone who hasn’t been torn by being a werewolf since he was just a child; someone who could properly take care of you because he isn’t shunned by the rest of the wizarding community because he is a werewolf. Tonks-”
“Just forget it,” Tonks said, cutting him off. “You claim that you love me, you say that you really do care. If you love me and care for me so much, then why is it that you don’t seem to give a damn about my feelings, or how this is affecting me? When are you going to get that I’ve tried not to like you, I’ve tried to go for someone else, since I knew, even before I told you what I feel, that you would never hear of it? I’ve tried to get you off of my mind, but Remus, if you want me to be honest, I’ve fancied you ever since my first Order meeting, from the first time you caught me when I tripped. I tried to tell myself that you’re too old, you’re a werewolf, you’re too sensible and quiet for me, you and I should just be friends… it hasn’t worked at all. So, Remus, obviously, you may think that what you’re doing is right, but it isn’t, okay? I’ve thought this through a thousand times over, and I’m surprised that the last four days didn’t show you something, or make you figure out that I’m so incredibly serious about loving you. Do you get any of what I’m saying, Remus? Or are werewolves just immune to love and feelings?”
Remus sat in silence, too shocked to say anything. He didn’t know that Tonks had liked him for that long, and now, he didn’t know what to say, partly for fear of another outburst, and partly because he didn’t want to hurt her even more. Finally, he spoke.
“Tonks,” he said quietly, reaching out to take her hand in his; she pulled it away. He placed his back on his lap. “I do get what you are saying. But, do you get what it is that I am trying to explain to you? If I were to be with you, then, your position in society would fall greatly; you would be frowned upon by so many people in this world. I just cannot do that to you, Tonks. There is also a chance that the Ministry wouldn’t allow you to be an Auror any longer, if they found out.”
“They don’t have to,” Tonks said. “Can’t you keep secrets? Can’t you allow yourself at least some happiness? Don’t you want love, to have someone who cares about you no matter what? Or do you always, always have to be a lone werewolf, who just has friends, but no one who loves him as a friend and more?”
“I do have happiness,” Remus said, knowing it was an out-and-out lie. “I’m happy with where I am, with my friends, with the people who don’t shun me because I am different-”
“Fine, you’re happy with that!” Tonks exclaimed angrily. “But you’re not as happy as you could be, and don’t tell me you are, Remus, because I know you’re not! I know that you want more, because that’s what everyone wants.” She paused, thinking. “Did you ever, once in your life, feel loved like that, Remus? Or has it always been friends, parents who care? Didn’t you ever have that one girl who you loved, not just as a friend, but as more?” she asked, desperately.
“I did,” Remus said, quietly. “And she is sitting in front of me, and here I am, being a complete ass and breaking her even worse than she was.” He looked at Tonks. “Nymphadora, please, tell me that you at least understand why I am doing this?”
“I guess,” Tonks said. “But, I still don’t see how you can do this to me; how you can know that you are hurting someone by trying not to hurt them, and still do it anyway.” She glared at him.
“Tonks,” Remus began, but Tonks cut him off.
“Just go,” she said. “You’ve already put too much stress on me; I probably shouldn’t have any more. I’m sure the Healer won’t be too happy.”
“Tonks,” Remus tried again.
“Go,” she said, looking at him. “Just go, alright. I don’t want to talk to you right now.”
Remus sat where he was for a few seconds.
“Please, Remus,” Tonks said. “If you care about how I feel, you’ll leave, now. Please.”
“Fine,” Remus said quietly, standing up to leave. He turned and walked toward the door. As he opened it, he turned back and said, “And, Tonks, I’m so sorry about this. At least know that it hurts me too.” Then he left, leaving Tonks on her bed, tears beginning to roll silently down her cheeks.
Love Keeps Us Together (Sometimes Apart) by DontCallMeNymphadora
Chapter Notes: Obviously this isn't a very happy chapter. Tonks is finally awake, but Remus still won't tell her straight up his feelings for her. There enlies the potential heartbreak.
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