Severus Snape gazed into the fire while sipping a glass of elf-made wine. It was Christmas Eve, a night he found difficult every year. Christmas was a time for him to be haunted by memories of the past; and to dwell miserably on what could have been. When he was a child, Christmas had hardly been something to look forward to, but then he met her. He still vividly remembered the first Christmas he’d known her.
Try as he might to stop himself, a small sniffle escaped. He could still hear the loud angry voices shouting downstairs. He and his mum had just finished decorating the tree when his father had come home, drunk. Tobias Snape had already been in a foul mood but the sight of the magical ornaments caused something inside him to snap. Severus was well acquainted with his father’s moods and had hurried to the garret, trying to stay out of his father’s path.
Once it seemed the shouting was over, he crept downstairs. Tobias was snoring on the well worn sofa, sleeping off the effects of the alcohol. Eileen sounded as though she was crying in the kitchen. Severus tiptoed to the door with one last glance at the spoiled Christmas tree. It looked as though Tobias had managed to break every ornament. Quietly shutting the door behind him, Severus stepped out into the cold night air.
He didn’t know exactly where he wanted to go, just that he needed to get away from the house. He turned off of Spinner’s End and headed in the direction of Lily’s neighbourhood. The houses there were much more festive looking, with bright lights decorating the houses and shrubbery. Living room windows showed happy families decorating Christmas trees, hanging stockings, and stacking brightly wrapped presents. Severus couldn’t help but feel bitter as he watched the children whose Christmas hadn’t been spoiled by a drunken father.
It wasn’t long before he found himself at Lily’s house. He could see in through the window; Lily was laughing and hanging a stocking by the fireside. Severus couldn’t help but smile as he felt that familiar longing. Mr Evans lifted his youngest daughter up to put a star atop their tree. Petunia was helping decorate and was laughing too. Severus ducked down further; he didn’t want Petunia to see him. She already called him a sneak. He hadn’t really planned on knocking at the door; he had just wanted to see Lily even if it didn’t mean talking to her. Just as he was turning to go, he heard the front door open followed by a scuffling and excited barks.
“Ruffles!” called out Lily.
Ruffles the terrier-mix was already excitedly leaping about Severus, who in turn was rather frantically trying to quiet the dog before he was discovered.
“Severus? Is that you?”
Trying not to look as stupid as he felt, Severus called back, “Hi, Lily! I… I just thought if you weren’t busy…”
Rather than tell him that obviously she was busy as it was Christmas Eve she smiled and asked, “Why don’t you come inside? Mum’s just finished making gingerbread.”
Severus couldn’t help but think she looked like an angel, framed in the light of the doorway. He was about to say that he couldn’t stay but when she smiled at him like that, he found himself agreeing that he could come in for just a little while. Ruffles was still joyfully leaping about his feet.
The Evans’ home was nice and warm. “Severus, you must be freezing, you’re not wearing mittens or a hat and it’s snowing out!” Lily admonished.
Severus tried to shrug it off but he was secretly delighted that Lily cared so much about him being cold.
“Mum’s making hot cocoa and the gingerbread’s just coming out of the oven. That ought to warm you up,” she told him.
“Oh… umm, thanks.” He felt horribly awkward being in the Evans’ home. Lily’s Muggle sister wasn’t someone he wanted to be around. Adult Muggles didn’t sound like the type of people who’d like him either.
“You must be Severus! Lily’s told us so much about you! I’ll be back as soon as the gingerbread’s done cooling.”
After having met the pleasant faced woman who shared Lily’s eyes, Severus decided that she seemed quite nice, for a Muggle.
“We were just decorating the tree. Would you like to help?” Lily asked.
“Alright.” Severus still felt quite uncomfortable but was willing to brave the living room for Lily.
If Petunia was unwelcoming, Ruffles more than made up for it. The Evans’ terrier had taken a liking to Severus. Lily insisted it was because Ruffles was an excellent judge of character. Severus rather doubted this, but was glad that Lily’s pet was so fond of him.
“Shouldn’t you be home with your own family tonight?” Petunia asked as soon as her father was out of the room.
“Tuney! Don’t be rude,” replied Lily. She gave Severus a little smile. “I’m glad you came, could you pass the angel ornament?”
“Sure.”
“Here’s the cocoa and gingerbread!” called out Mrs Evans. “Do you like marshmallows, Severus?”
Still feeling shy, he was barely able to say, “Yes, Ma’am.”
“Help yourself to the cookies too, Dear,” she said kindly.
Severus couldn’t recall his own mother ever having called him ‘Dear’ but obediently took a gingerbread man and began nibbling on its head, feeling horribly self-conscious. To make matters worse, that insufferable Petunia was staring at him as though he’d just done something wrong.
“Thank you, Mum,” Petunia trilled, once the plate had been passed to her.
“You’re welcome, Petunia,” Mrs Evans answered, one eyebrow slightly raised. Severus turned red upon realizing that he hadn’t thanked Mrs Evans. Hopefully Lily didn’t think him terribly rude.
“Have you decorated your tree yet?” Lily asked him.
“Er, yeah. My mum and I decorated it this afternoon.”
“Do you have a favourite ornament? Mine’s the angel,” she added, pointing at the ornament Severus had passed her earlier.
“Er, I’m not sure,” Severus lied. He did have a favourite ornament. Or rather he had, until his father had broken it. “Our ornaments are different though, we use candles instead of electric lights.”
“That must look really pretty!” replied Lily, enthusiastically.
“Dangerous, more like,” grumbled Petunia. “It isn’t safe to use candles; you could burn down your house.”
“They won’t… they’re, they’re not like your candles,” Severus tried to explain, rather crossly.
Petunia glared, about to make a cutting remark, but Lily first whispered excitedly, “Oh! Are they magic too? Are your other ornaments as well?”
“Well, most of them, yes,” answered Severus, proud to tell Lily about them. “Our candles won’t burn the tree or the house or anything; they float and they have different coloured flames.”
“You’re just making that up!” Petunia hissed.
“I am not!” replied Severus. He broke off some of his gingerbread to share with Ruffles, who was obviously delighted that Severus had remembered him.
“You shouldn’t do that, you’ll make him fat!” accused Petunia.
“I’m sure a little treat won’t hurt him,” said Lily. “Besides, Tuney, it is Christmas.”
“I think it’s cruel to make an animal fat just so that it will like you,” added Petunia.
Before the argument could go further, Mr and Mrs Evans came back from the kitchen. Mr Evans turned to Severus. “We were all about to sing some Christmas carols, would you like to join us?”
“I… I don’t sing, and I really should be getting home, Sir.”
Lily was visibly disappointed. She followed him to the doorway asking, “Sev, are you really sure you can’t stay? You don’t have to sing.”
“I really ought to be getting home. I’m sorry, Lily.”
She bit her lip. Severus very nearly changed his mind before she blurted out, “Well, wait right here then. I’ll be right back!”
She ran over to the Christmas tree, pulled out a neatly wrapped package, hurried back, and pushed it into his hands. “Here; I was going to give it to you tomorrow, but I think you could use it tonight,” she told him, beaming.
Hating himself for blushing so much, he carefully read the hand-made card:
Happy Christmas Severus!
I hope this makes your holiday a bit warmer!
Your friend,
Lily
He opened the package to find a wool hat, scarf, and mittens. They were an emerald green, the same green as Lily’s eyes.
“You told me the Slytherin colours were green and silver, I hope this is close enough,” she added a bit worriedly.
Beaming, Severus looked up at her. “They’re perfect.”
“What did you get Lily?” asked Petunia, who had come to join them in the hallway.
“It’s a surprise,” retorted Severus in a defiant tone.
“He didn’t bother to get you anything,” Petunia told Lily.
“Yes I did! I’m going to give it to you tomorrow,” added Severus, desperate for Lily to believe him.
Lily glared at Petunia. “You’re being so rude! Besides, even if Severus didn’t get me anything it would be alright. He’s my best friend and that’s more than good enough for me!”
Severus was nearly speechless. Lily had never told him he was her best friend before. “I really did get you a present,” he told her. “But I didn’t bring it, I was going to give it to you tomorrow… Can I talk to you outside?”
For the first time, Lily seemed to lack confidence. Petunia laughed, then sang out in a mocking voice, “Little baby Lily’s afraid of the dark!”
“Petunia! Could you come into the living room, please?” called out Mrs Evans.
As Petunia obediently joined her parents, Severus decided that Mrs Evans was the nicest Muggle in the world.
“I really did get you a gift,” he told Lily again.
“It’s alright, Severus. I believe you. I… I just wanted you to know that it was okay if you didn’t.”
“I’ll bring it round tomorrow.”
Lily gave him another of her dazzling smiles. “That would be lovely! Have a happy Christamas Eve, Sev!”
“Happy Christmas Eve, Lily,” Severus told her, in turn.
With that, he hurried home, through the thickly falling snow. He really did have a gift for Lily. He’d been hiding it in his room for nearly a month. Severus had ‘borrowed’ one of his mother’s old school books and carefully brewed a Dreamer’s Potion. It had taken him hours of painstaking work but the ingredients were those that his mother had on hand and wouldn’t easily be missed. All Lily would have to do would be to drink the potion and she would have only good dreams for a month. Severus had tested the potion on himself first, just in case he hadn’t brewed it quite right.
Now all he had left to do was wrap it. He’d been quite pleased at being able to find a hair ribbon that had once been his mother’s; it was the same Slytherin green, and had only needed a good washing. Now he simply needed to find paper to wrap the potion bottle in.
Upon reaching his room, Severus knew something was wrong. He always left his bedroom door shut, but now it was open. His things had been rifled through; by the window lay the shards of the glass bottle with the sticky potion spreading over the floor.
“Severus Tobias Snape!” hissed an angry voice.
Severus turned about, trying to mask his emotions. He absolutely refused to be seen crying.
“How dare you steal from me? Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to brew a potion unsupervised? What do you think your father would have to say if I told him?”
“I made the potion perfectly… you had no right…” Severus began, angrily.
“You had no right to steal from me! How dare you, you little thief! And you couldn’t possibly have made that potion correctly, you haven’t taken any classes yet,” stormed Eileen. “You can think about that tonight, don’t expect any supper from me. And you can be grateful that I haven’t told your father about this!”
With that, Eileen slammed the bedroom door shut. The tears finally escaped then. His gift for Lily was destroyed. He’d have nothing to give her tomorrow, and then she’d think him a liar as well.
It was nearly an hour before Severus dared to leave his room. He crept downstairs, hoping to scrounge some food from the kitchen. He’d only had one of Mrs Evans’s gingerbread cookies and crying one’s heart out made one hungry.
As he tiptoed down the stairs, he could hear his father still snoring on the sofa. As he carefully made his way through the wreckage of ornaments, Severus noticed a soft glowing light. He let out a soft gasp; one ornament had survived his father’s drunken rampage, the one that had always been his favourite. It was a simple glass ball, filled with inky blackness and inside was a white glowing fawn. He picked up the ornament, and scurried back up the stairs.
Once in the relative privacy of his own room, Severus examined the glass ball. He’d gladly give Lily his favourite ornament, but wondered how he could explain why he gave it to her Christmas morning instead of Christmas Eve, when she was decorating her tree. He thought about how that nasty Muggle, Petunia, had ruined his new idea and how she was horrible to Lily too, picking on her for being afraid of the dark. Severus felt a stab of guilt, it was his fault that Lily was scared; he’d stupidly told her about Dementors. He was suddenly struck with a brilliant idea.
Severus threaded the ribbon through the ornament’s ring, and then concentrated as hard as he could upon making it smaller. After a quarter of an hour it was just the right size; the glowing fawn was still easily discernable. However, he still had nothing to wrap his gift in, and hoped she wouldn’t mind.
The next morning dawned, bright and sunny with the freshly fallen snow blanketing the city. Severus carefully tucked his gift into his pocket, put on his new hat, scarf and mittens, and then hurried out the door before his parents woke up. Tobias was still asleep on the sofa.
Severus knew it was too early to go to Lily’s, but he didn’t want to risk his parents trying to stop him or having his mother confiscate Lily’s new gift. He wandered along the river for a few hours, until he felt nearly numb, then he headed for Lily’s house. Along the way were many Muggle children outside playing with gifts opened hours previously. There were several boys playing with brand new toboggans and a group of boys and girls trying out new ice skates on the frozen pond. Severus tried to remain unnoticed.
“Hey! Snape!”
Severus turned toward the voice and was hit in the cheek by a snowball. His eyes watering from the sting, he took off running before any of the older boys decided that beating up the creepy Snape kid would make a good Christmas tradition. Two older boys decided it was worth the chase and ran after him. Fortunately, Ruffles was waiting in Lily’s yard and his barking caused a change of heart in the older boys, who decided to go back to building their snow fort.
It was Lily who answered the door. “Severus! What happened to your face? Are you alright?”
“Just a snowball,” he answered, feeling the bruise that was already beginning to form.
Lily got up on tiptoe giving him a quick yet gentle peck on the cheek and then blushed furiously upon seeing Severus’s surprise. “Erm, it’s what Mum always does, to make it better,” she mumbled.
Severus thought she was even prettier when she blushed, but tried not to embarrass her further, or let her know how hard his heart had started thumping. “Well, it does feel a bit better,” he answered, smiling. He pulled the necklace from his pocket. “I brought your gift; Happy Christmas.”
“Oh! Severus, it’s beautiful!” Lily gasped.
“Do you see the little glowing deer? It’s a Patronus and it will keep you safe from Dementors. Not that any would be around here anyway,” he told her.
She looked up at him with eyes shining and hugged him tightly. “Thank you so much, Sev. It’s my most favourite gift! I’ll wear it always!”
Severus got up and began pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace, trying to keep his emotions in check. That stupid git, Potter, had believed that Lily’s Patronus being a doe had meant she was obviously his soul mate. What would the arrogant berk have thought had he known it was all due to a Christmas gift from a ten year old Severus Snape? Severus threw his wine glass at the fireplace and heard it shatter into a thousand pieces. Nothing mattered anymore; Lily was dead and he had been unable to save her. James Potter, Albus Dumbledore and any other number of people had failed. Severus dully wondered how many more Christmases he’d have to live through, knowing Lily wouldn’t see them too. This was the second. It seemed as though another bottle of wine was in order.
Having already smashed the glass, he decided to simply drink from the bottle. After all, what did it matter? Lily had died hating him. Nothing else could ever matter again. He went to the kitchen and while bringing the bottle back with him, could have sworn he saw a burst of flame in the middle of his living room. Severus hurried over, only to find that in his absence, a package had been deposited upon his threadbare sofa.
It was wrapped in simple brown paper and tied with string. Lily had used to sing a Muggle song about such packages and how they were among her favourite things. Severus could no longer recall the words but they had been something about remembering one’s favourite things and then not feeling so bad. Severus suspected the writer of said song hadn’t lost the only person he’d ever loved.
Having nothing better to do, he opened the card.
This was found in the rubble at Godric’s Hollow, on Lily’s person, to be precise. It seems she put an Unbreakable Charm upon it. I regret that it took so long to send to you but with the circumstances surrounding her death, it was not a simple task.
I send you this in hope that it may brighten your holiday.
Hardly daring to believe it contained what he hoped, Severus carefully unwrapped the package. There it was; the small glass ball with the glowing deer, still on the same green ribbon that matched her eyes.
”I’ll wear it always!”
A tear escaped, unbidden. Lily hadn’t died hating him, but she had always hated the dark, and that was why they could never be together.