Author's Notes: Many thanks to Kaity (tonks_the_dreamer) for introducing me to MNFF and Fiona (roisin_dubh) for being a superb editor.
His Worst Fear
One rainy Wednesday evening in mid-April found first year James Potter sitting alone in the library at Hogwarts School, poring over a book that lay open on the table in front of him. James was a clever boy, one of the best in his class, but it was still rather unusual to run across him in the library. James prided himself on being able to get excellent marks with little to no effort, a fact that thoroughly annoyed those of his fellow students who actually had to work to pass their classes. But those who had seen James in the library tonight and regarded him with curiosity might have been spared their confusion. James was not doing schoolwork.
The twelve-year-old James had two great loves in life: Quidditch and causing trouble. But he also had a passion for solving mysteries when they presented themselves to him. James had been working on one particular mystery for a few months now. He had researched, interrogated, and observed, and his work had paid off at last. James sat in the library, knowing, beyond doubt, that on this rainy Wednesday April evening, he had solved the mystery at last.
The mystery involved his friend and fellow Gryffindor, Remus Lupin. Remus and James slept in the same dormitory, and it didn’t take a particularly observant person to see that there was something funny about the Lupin kid. He was pleasant, reasonably clever, and a good friend, but there was definitely something wrong about him. Most strange, perhaps, were his rather frequent and not-so-inconspicuous absences from the Gryffindor Tower dormitory. His first absences had seemed innocent enough at the time. About ten days into their first term, Remus had said that his mother was ill and that he had to go home to see her. Unfortunate and understandable. Then, about a month later, he said that his grandfather had died and that he had to go home for the funeral. Sad and perfectly plausible. The next month his grandmother died and he had to go home for her funeral. Err… Okay. A month after that, he said that he was feeling really ill and was going to spend the night in the hospital wing. Sure, why not?
If it hadn’t been his fourth absence in three and a half months, his friends would have found the need for Remus to spend a night in the hospital wing a more than believable excuse for him being gone. Remus looked ill a lot of the time. He was very pale and a little peaky on his best days. Other days, he looked downright nauseous and miserable with sickness. He would become exhausted and develop dark shadows under his eyes. His friends, concerned, would ask him how he was feeling, and he would always insist that he was fine or “Just a bit tired”. It was perfectly possible to see him becoming ill enough to require a night’s stay in the hospital wing. But when James, Sirius, and Peter had gone to visit him, Madame Pomfery wouldn’t let them in to see him. This, in James’s opinion, either meant that Remus was really really ill, or else that this was yet another poorly explained absence. What was more, when Remus had recovered and returned, he was unable to tell them what he had been sick with.
A month after this, he told them that his other grandfather had died. He had to go to another funeral. This turned what had hither to been innocent curiosity into suspicion.
“There’s something very strange about Remus,” James had remarked.
“You think?” Sirius had replied sarcastically.
Then, (as if all of this wasn’t enough strangeness for one kid) there were the injuries. Remus could make up endless excuses for his absences and his illnesses, but he could never explain his injuries to an even moderately satisfactory level. There was just no explanation for him going home to see his sick mother or attend a funeral and coming back looking like he’d wrestled a troll; and lost. This fifth disappearance was accompanied with some particularly gruesome looking injuries.
“God, Remus, what the hell happened to you?” Sirius had asked.
“I fell,” Remus had replied shortly.
Sure you did, Remus. Sure you did. And so James had decided that this was a mystery he had to figure out. He started with a direct approach:
“Remus?”
“Yes,” Remus had replied without raising is eyes from his transfiguration notes.
“Where do you keep going all the time?”
Remus looked up. His expression was confused. “Going?”
“You know, when you’re not in our dormitory. You’re gone at least once a month.”
Remus had tensed for a moment before seeming to feign calmness. “I guess.”
“So where do you keep going?”
“I’ve told you where I’ve gone every time.”
“Yes,” James had said thoughtfully, “the thing is, I’m not sure I believe you.” When Remus didn’t reply, he pressed on, “You’re gone more than anyone else in school. And I don’t believe that you go home each time. You always come back covered in scratches and injuries. And I know it’s not because of your family, because you looked just a beat up after you ‘supposedly’ spent the night in the hospital wing. And “ ”
“Leave me alone, James,” Remus had snapped. But instead of being deflected, Remus’s sudden defensiveness caused James’s interest to peak.
“I want to know where you keep going,” James had said insisted.
“Mind your own business.”
“I want to know the truth.”
“That’s unfortunate for you,” Remus said darkly.
“Come on,” James had said. “You know you can trust me.”
“I never said I didn’t trust you. You said you didn’t believe me.”
“So are you going to tell me the truth or not?” Remus didn’t reply. “Fine then. But just so you know, I am going to figure it out eventually, whether or not you tell me.” James walked away, but as he had, he had turned back to look at Remus. Unless James had been imagining it, Remus looked worried.
A few days later (about a month after his last absence) Remus was absent from the dormitory yet again. This time he had not offered an explanation as to where he was going. When he returned, James had asked, “So, where were you last night?”
Remus had looked at him coldly, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“No,” James had agreed, “I probably wouldn’t.”
Remus and James had been unusually distant in the days following this. James hadn’t liked it at all. He might have been frustrated with Remus, but he didn’t want to lose Remus as a friend. He started trying to repair the damage by pretending that he was no longer interested in the mystery of Remus’s disappearances, or in anything else that was strange about Remus. It worked; they became perfectly friendly again, and when Remus disappeared the next month, saying his mother had fallen ill again, James was careful not to challenge the excuse.
And so began the indirect approach. James had observed Remus’s behavior surreptitiously. He had racked his brains for hours trying to figure out an illness that matched Remus’s symptoms; but what illness could cause bruises and scratches? James was sure the answer lay in the unexplained absences. He tried desperately to think what was special about these dates, why they were significant, what they had in common. The only thing he could find was that the dates were all about month apart, but he’d known this for a while now and it was useless to him. But there had to be an explanation. James remained convinced of that. So despite his lack of progress, he had not given up his quest for the answer.
It wasn’t until a little earlier on this rainy Wednesday evening in mid-April, while sitting in the common room, that James had had a breakthrough. It was actually more than a breakthrough: it was an epiphany. He had been copying Sirius’s Astronomy homework when it had hit him. It was weird, because he had hardly thought about the Remus mystery for days; they had been so swamped with work since their return from the Easter holidays. James and Remus had both gone home for the Easter break, so James had been unable to account for another monthly disappearance (which should have occurred somewhere right in the middle of the holiday). The mystery about Remus had moved to the back of his mind temporarily, in place of other things. But as he had sat copying the lunar phases Sirius had charted, the mystery resurfaced. He had frozen as realization shot through him. Then, abandoning his homework, he had snatched up his bag and sprinted to the library.
Once he had arrived, slightly out off breath, he headed straight for the Astronomy section and pulled out recent lunar charts. Then, a feeling of combined excitement and tension in his stomach, he had headed for the magical creatures section to pick up some books. He had only had to scan the lunar charts to realize that his epiphany had been accurate. He saw the dates he had been contemplating for months and saw what they all had in common. He had then reached slowly for one of the books he had collected and started to read.
It was here, in the library, therefore, that Sirius and Peter found their friend, twenty minutes later, on this mid-April Wednesday evening with rain.
“There you are!”
James started and looked up. Sirius and Peter were standing in front of him.
“We’ve been looking for you for an hour!” Sirius said, falling into the seat on James’s right. James looked at his watch. Twenty-eight minutes had passed since he had left them in the common room.
“Why have you been looking for me?”
“You took off for no reason. One minute you’re sitting with us in the common room, next minute you’re sprinting out the portrait hole,” Peter said, taking the seat on Sirius’s right.
“So you came to look for me in the library?” James asked.
“Delangela said she’d seen you here. I didn’t believe her, but Peter said we should check here anyway.”
“And where’s Remus?” James asked.
“He had to go see Professor McGonagall about something,” Sirius said carelessly, leaning backward in his chair so that it balanced on two legs. Well doesn’t that work out nicely? “So,” Sirius continued, “are you going to tell us why you abandoned us to come here, of all places?”
James looked around cautiously, but there was no one anywhere near them. Nevertheless, he lowered his voice as he said, “I’ve figured it out.”
Peter and Sirius exchanged confused looks. “Figured what out?” Sirius asked at his previous volume.
“Shhh!” James implored him. “I’ve figured out what’s wrong with Remus.”
Their attention captured, Sirius and Peter leaned in, the better to hear James’s whispers.
“You have?” Peter asked, his voice awed.
“I’m pretty sure,” said James. “Here, look at this.” He showed them the piece of parchment on which he had been keeping a record of the dates of Remus’s mysterious absences. Sirius took it and read it with Peter looking over his shoulder.
“Yeah,” said Sirius. “So?”
“So, do you see anything special about those dates?” James asked.
They looked back at the parchment. “They’re all about a month apart,” Peter said. Congratulations, James thought, now you’re only three months behind me.
“Anything else?” James prompted.
“No,” said Sirius shortly, looking up at him. “We don’t see it, James. Why don’t you just tell us what you’re on about?”
James extracted a lunar chart from under his book and laid it on the table in front of Sirius and Peter. “Maybe this will help.”
They examined it. James had circled the dates listed on the parchment. They looked carefully at each date. As they looked, comprehension slowly dawned on them.
“They’re all…” Sirius said quietly.
“Full moons,” finished Peter.
“Exactly,” said James. They gaped at him, unable to believe it.
“Mate,” said Sirius, “you’re not thinking what I think you’re thinking?”
“I am,” James replied. “I think that Remus is a werewolf.”
The three boys sat in silence for a moment, all trying to wrap their minds around the inconceivable possibility that one of their best friends could be a werewolf. Admittedly, James had a twenty-nine minute head start on his friends for absorbing the information, but it was still difficult for him to believe, despite his certainty that it was true.
“That’s impossible,” Peter said finally.
“It all fits!” James insisted. He gestured at the book on werewolves that was still lying open in front of him. “It says it all here. He’s always gone at the full moon. He always comes back covered in scratches and stuff. And,” he continued, struck by a sudden thought, “he always looks more ill when the full moon is coming, doesn’t he? He must be a werewolf. How else do you explain it?”
“It fits,” Sirius agreed. “But mate, do you realize what you’re saying? A werewolf here? A werewolf at Hogwarts? Do you really think Dumbledore would let a werewolf into the castle?”
“I think if any Headmaster were insane enough to do it, it would be Dumbledore,” said James.
“But,” said Peter tentatively, “aren’t werewolves supposed to be… dangerous? I mean, he’s been sleeping in our dormitory.”
“But not at the full moon,” said Sirius. “That was sort of James’s whole point. He’s not there when, you know…” He didn’t finish the sentence.
“Still though,” said Peter, “even when it’s not full moon, aren’t werewolves usually - well, you know, not very friendly,” he finished awkwardly. “I mean, I’ve heard some stories about werewolves; they’re not usually the type of wizards you want to hang around with.”
James could see where Peter was coming from. He too had grown up hearing terrible stories about werewolves. They tended to be outcasts in the wizarding world: usually criminals, sometimes murderers. James could think of one werewolf in particular, Fenrir Greyback, who was notorious for his vicious savagery toward normal wizards. The mere sound of Greyback’s name was enough to send a shiver of fear down any wizard’s back. He looked at Sirius, and could tell by Sirius’s worried expression that he was thinking along the same lines. But then, James thought about Remus.
“He’s not like that,” said James. “Remus; he’s not like that at all. We know he’s not dangerous. He’s our friend. He would never hurt any of us; I know it. We know him. We know we can trust him.”
Sirius still looked worried. “But, can we trust him?”
“Dumbledore trusts him,” James pointed out. “He must. He let Remus come to school here. He wouldn’t have done that if he didn’t know that Remus was trustworthy. If Dumbledore trusts Remus, I think we can too.”
Sirius looked relieved. “Well, I suppose you’re right, James.”
“Yeah,” Peter agreed. “I can’t see Dumbledore letting him in if he were dangerous. But why didn’t Remus tell us?”
“I’m not sure it’s something I would go around bragging about if it were me,” said James uncomfortably. “He probably thought we’d turn on him if we knew.”
“But we’re not turning on him?” Peter asked.
“Of course not,” said James.
Sirius nodded, then said, “So what do we do now? Should we tell him that we know?”
“I think we should,” said Peter. “If he’s scared we’ll find out because he thinks we’ll hate him, he should know that we know, and that we think it’s okay.”
“Yeah,” agreed Sirius, “and that he doesn’t have to pretend anymore when he’s around us.”
“So, it’s settled then,” said Peter. “We’ll tell him.”
Sirius nodded. James, however, was looking thoughtful.
“Isn’t that a bit “ boring?” he asked.
“What?” asked Sirius.
“If we just tell Remus that we know he’s a werewolf; it doesn’t seem like very much fun,” James explained.
Sirius and Peter exchanged confused looks again. “What are you talking about?” Sirius asked.
“I think,” James said, a mischievous grin spreading across his face, “I’ve got a better idea.”
The following evening (which was a Thursday, no rain, but still in mid-April) found Remus, Sirius, Peter, and James sitting together in the slowly emptying Gryffindor common room, working on homework. Remus was just putting the final touches on an essay about Levitation Charms for Professor Flitwick when James closed his book and leaned forward to address him.
“So, Remus,” James whispered, “we’re planning a little after-hours excursion later tonight. You in?”
Intrigued, Remus agreed. “Where are we going?” he asked.
James looked around as though checking for eavesdroppers, then muttered, “Later.”
The four boys waited for the common room to empty completely before going up to fetch James’s Invisibility Cloak. It was best this way, because even with the Cloak, it was hard for them to sneak out without drawing attention to themselves. It was just too much to hope that no one would notice the Fat Lady’s portrait open and close, seemingly of its own accord. Once the last Gryffindor had wandered up to bed, Remus, Sirius, and Peter followed James up to their dormitory. They watched as James rummaged through his trunk for the Cloak.
“So, where are we headed?” Remus asked.
James looked up from his trunk to grin mischievously at Remus. “If I told you that, then it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?” he asked.
“A surprise?” Remus repeated, as James finally managed to extract his Cloak from the bottom of his trunk. James didn’t reply, but closed his trunk and straightened up. Sirius and Peter moved closer to him so that James could throw the Cloak over all of them. Remus stayed where he was. The others turned to look at him.
“Coming?” Sirius asked, a slightly mocking smile on his face.
Remus sighed heavily and moved in. James threw the cloak over them. Large though the Cloak was, it wasn’t exactly roomy with four of them beneath it. They formed a sort of diamond shape under it: James in front, Sirius and Peter on either side of him and slightly behind, and Remus, confused and a little wary, bringing up the rear.
They made it out of Gryffindor Tower and down two staircases before they met anyone. On the fifth floor landing, they all froze at the sound of loud cackling nearby. It was coming, predictably, from Peeves, who, a second later, came soaring at them from down a corridor just off of the landing. Being unable to see them, he zoomed right past the four boys and up the stairs they had just descended without pausing, still laughing maniacally. From down the fifth floor corridor, they could hear the distant, heavy sound of rushing water. Remus supposed that Peeves had flooded on of the toilets back there; it would explain his good spirits.
They met no one else in the rest of the castle. They reached the bottom of the marble staircase in the Entrance Hall and headed towards the front doors.
“Where are we going?” Remus asked again.
“You’ll see,” James replied maddeningly.
They checked the Entrance Hall for any signs of teachers or ghosts before opening the front door a crack and squeezing out into the night. Remus noted that neither Sirius nor Peter showed any interest or curiosity in their destination. This suggested to him that they were already in on the plan for this evening’s adventure. Why would James tell them and not me? Remus wondered.
They headed down the front steps and across the grounds, still following James’s lead. The April evening was warmer than any they had seen in six months. Remus looked up as they walked. A small smattering of clouds obscured the dark sky, but he could see the crescent moon clearly overhead. He looked back down, trying hard not to think about what would happen in just under two weeks when the moon was full again.
James led the group past the greenhouses and the vegetable garden towards the edge of the Forbidden Forest. We’re not going in there, surely, Remus thought. But he wasn’t certain about that at all. He really wanted to ask where they were going again, but knew it would be useless. He knew full well that James would let him in on the plan when James so desired to do so, and not a minute before. They reached the edge of the forest.
“We can probably take the Cloak off now,” Sirius said.
They looked around; the grounds were deserted but for the four of them. They stepped out from under the Cloak and breathed in the fresh night air. James balled up the Cloak, shoved it into his pocket, gestured to the other three to follow him, and set off along the edge of the forest. They followed him. Remus was starting to feel really anxious; the feeling was not eased when James came to an abrupt halt, looking into the trees, and muttered, “Ah ha! Here’s the spot.”
Remus could see a path starting at the spot where they stood that wound its way deep into the dark mass of trees. Sirius and James plunged bravely into the forest without hesitation. Peter followed just behind them, looking nervous but excited. Remus didn’t move. Noticing this, the others stopped and turned around to look at him.
“Are you coming or not?” James asked.
“I…” Remus began.
“Not scared, are you, Remus?” Sirius asked. Remus couldn’t see Sirius’s face in the almost total darkness, but he could tell from Sirius’s tone that he was smirking.
“Scared?” Remus asked. “Scared of walking alone into a dark forest in the dead of night? What on earth would give you that idea?”
“You’re not alone,” said James. “You’re with us.”
“Huge comfort,” said Remus sarcastically. “I meant without a teacher.”
“Teachers ruin everything,” said Sirius.
“Yeah,” said Peter. “We plan to actually have fun tonight.”
“Are you going to chicken out on us Remus?” James asked. When Remus didn’t reply he said, “Come on. We’re not going in that far anyway. Where’s your sense of adventure?”
Remus hesitated. His fear of the forest battled with his desire for his friends to think he was cool and brave. Fear lost.
“Okay,” he said, and feeling moderately more couragous, he followed his friend into the forest.
They had only been walking along the path for a minute or so when they reached a point where the path became wider for a short stretch, like a miniature clearing. James stopped again, saying, “This should be deep enough.” He pulled out his wand and turned around to face his three companions. “You should take your wands out too,” he instructed them.
Remus took his wand from his pocket and raised it, intending to light it. But before he could do so, it was snatched out of his hand. Remus turned, trying to see who had taken it. Someone shoved him hard from behind and he fell face-forward onto the forest floor. Bewildered and covered in dirt, he rolled onto his back to stare up at the boy who had pushed him. James stood looking down at Remus, his wand pointed straight at Remus’s chest. Peter and Sirius stood on either side of him, their wands in imitation of his. Sirius’s left hand was stowing Remus’s wand into the pocket of his robes.
“Did you think you could keep it a secret?” James’s voice was low and menacing. Remus raised himself to his elbows and shuffled backward a meter, looking up at James, feeling very frightened.
“Did you think we wouldn’t figure it out?” demanded Sirius.
“W-What?” stammered Remus.
“Did you think we were stupid or something?” asked Peter.
They were advancing, bearing down on him. Remus shuffled backward still further, his eyes darting from angry face to angry face.
“I don’t “" he stammered.
“SHUT UP!” shouted James. “We’ve had it with your lies, Lupin! You’re through pretending. Did you really think you could fool us forever?”
“I don’t know what “"
“SHUT UP!” James shouted again. He bent down slightly to bring his face closer to Remus’s, his wand still aimed. “We know what you are.”
Terror flooded every particle of Remus’s body. His worst fear. His very worst fear. This cannot be happening!
“I can explain!” he shouted desperately.
“SHUT UP, WEREWOLF!” Sirius roared. “Didn’t we tell you we were sick of your lies? Didn’t we say you were through fooling us? You’re finished, werewolf!”
“No “ please “ let me explain!” he pleaded, his voice high with panic.
“Explain!” James threw back his head and laughed. “I don’t think there’s anything left to explain, werewolf! We know what you are now. You tried to trick us, thought you could fool us into thinking you were safe. Well I’ve got news for you, werewolf…”
“…we weren’t fooled.” Peter finished.
“No!” Remus begged as they glared down at him, looking livid. “Please “ it wasn’t like that “ I swear! I would never hurt any of you! I am safe!”
James laughed again. “A safe werewolf? You must think we’re real idiots, mustn’t you?"
“So what are we going to do with him?” Sirius asked, turning to James.
“Oh, I’ve got a few ideas,” said James. His smile was malicious.
“Yeah, I can think of a few things myself,” said Peter, rolling up his sleeves.
Remus scrambled backward as fast as he could, still on the ground, until he hit the trunk of a large tree. He watched in terror as the boys advanced, all three wands still pointed directly at him. His breath was coming in sharp, painful gasps. There was no way out, no way to escape. His captors stood above him; each face wore the same look of mixed loathing and malicious pleasure. He cowered before them, like a trapped animal, cornered between them and the tree.
“Please!” he begged, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please don’t hurt me!"
“I don’t think begging will get you out of this one, werewolf,” Sirius said harshly.
“No!” Remus cried. His eyes were starting to fill with tears. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
“Well you should be!” James spat. “Not that it will help you much now. You’re time is over, werewolf.”
“You can’t!” Remus sobbed. “Please - let me explain “ I didn’t “ I’m not “ I “"
“You’re a bloody, mangy, filthy werewolf.” James’s voice was low and menacing again. He moved the tip of his wand so that it was inches away from Remus’s face. Remus opened his mouth, but no more words came to him. Him simply sat there, dirty, on the forest floor, staring at James, his eyes wide with terror and tears running down his cheeks. It was over. It was all over.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
James glared at him. And then, his face twitched. For the tiniest of moments, anger seemed to fade from James’s face, loathing from his eyes. The corner of his mouth had been jerked involuntarily upward, as though he were fighting back a smile. He attempted to recompose himself, to recapture his furious glare, but it was too late. The next moment, he had burst out laughing.
More bewildered than ever, Remus watched as Sirius and Peter joined in with James’s laughter. He was so surprised, he barely even registered the fact that all three of them had lowered their wands. They just stood there, laughing and laughing. But it was a different kind of laughter than James’s earlier laughs. It wasn’t malicious or insane; it was amused. James, Sirius, and Peter were all bent over double, as though they had just heard the world’s funniest joke. James was clutching at his sides as though they ached. Sirius moved over to another tree nearby and leaned his back and head against it, eyes closed, laughing fit to burst. Peter just stood there, roaring with laughter, his amused and delighted eyes moving from James to Sirius to Remus and back again. Remus stayed where he was on the ground, feeling sure he must have missed something.
“I told you!” James gasped, once he had enough control over his laughter to form coherent words. “Didn’t I tell you this would be much more fun?”
“You were right, James,” said Sirius, wiping a tear of laughter out of his eye, still leaning against the tree. “You were right.”
“And you wanted to just tell him, Peter,” said James, turning to look at him.
“This was better,” said Peter. “Much better.”
“Personally, I’m surprised we were able to keep it going for so long,” said James. “I was sure one of us was bound to break face early on.”
“I probably could have kept it going longer if you hadn’t lost it, James,” said Sirius.
“I figured we should probably stop before he wet himself,” said James. “I mean, we still have to walk back up to the castle under the Cloak together.”
“Fair point,” said Sirius. “So, should we get going then?”
“Yeah, okay,” said James. He stowed his wand back into his pocket and offered his hand to Remus, who was still lying on the ground at his feet. “Want a hand?” he asked politely.
Remus stared at him and didn’t move. What the hell was going on? A minute ago they had been threatening his life; now they were smiling at him and James was offering to help him up. Had they gone mad? Had he gone mad?
“Come on, Remus,” Peter said. Remus continued to stare and didn’t move.
“Remus,” said James. He waved the hand he had been holding out in front of Remus’s face. “Hello? Anyone in there?”
Sirius walked back over to stand at James’s side again, examining Remus’s blank expression. “Boy, I think we really spooked him,” he said to James, then to Remus, “Come on, mate. It’s okay. It was only a joke.”
“A … joke?” Remus spluttered.
“Well, yeah,” said James, as though this were obvious. “You didn’t actually think that we were going to hurt you, did you?” Err … yeah, Remus thought.
“Come on, Remus. We were just horsing around,” said Peter.
“We’d never do anything to you, mate,” said Sirius. “We’re your friends.”
There was a short silence. Remus looked from each of his friends’ faces to the next. He was extremely confused.
“I’m confused,” he admitted finally.
“Well,” said Peter slowly, “James thought it would be funny if we dragged you out into the forest and pretended that we were really angry and that we were going to do you in or something.”
“I thought it would be a laugh,” James said. “You know, see how badly we could scare you.”
“It worked too,” said Sirius. “You should have seen the look on your face, Remus. It was brilliant!” He laughed again.
“Didn’t think he would actually cry though,” Peter said to James.
“Well we are excellent actors,” said James smugly.
Remus was still very confused. “So … so you aren’t going to hurt me?”
“Of course not!” said James. “That would be extremely rude of us!”
“And … and you’re not … you’re not angry?”
“Nope,” Sirius said simply.
James extended his hand again, but Remus still didn’t take it.
“I still don’t understand,” he said.
“Which part?” James asked.
“This was all a joke? You just did it for a laugh?”
“And it was hilarious!” said James happily.
“But,” said Remus, “but it’s not a joke.”
“What do you mean?” asked Peter.
“I mean, it’s not a joke; it’s the truth. I really am a …” He swallowed. “A werewolf.”
“Yeah, we know that, mate,” said Sirius, grinning. “The joke wouldn’t have worked nearly as well if we didn’t know that.”
“I was the one who figured it out,” James told Remus proudly.
“And … and you guys are okay with that?” Remus asked incredulously.
“Well, yeah,” said James with a shrug.
Remus couldn’t believe his ears. He opened his mouth to say something but couldn’t think of anything to say, so he just sat there with his mouth open.
“You look surprised,” Sirius observed, sounding amused.
“I …” said Remus.
“You didn’t think we’d be okay with it?” James asked, sounding a little more serious.
“Not many people are,” said Remus quietly.
“Well, we try to run outside of the norm,” said Sirius. James and Peter laughed. Remus was feeling a bit light-headed. They’re okay with it. It was almost too much to believe.
“So,” said James cheerfully, “are you planning to spend all night down there?” He offered his hand for a third time, and Remus took it. James pulled him to his feet. Sirius took Remus’s wand from his pocket and returned it to him.
“How did you guys figure it out?” Remus asked.
“Well, to be honest mate, it wasn’t that difficult,” said James. “There are only so many relatives you can pretend to kill off before people start to get suspicious.”
“I’ll remember that,” said Remus, brushing dirt from his robes.
“Want to head back to school then?” Peter asked.
“Not yet,” said Remus.
“What do you want to do first?” asked Sirius.
“I want to push James into the dirt,” he said coolly. Sirius and Peter laughed.
“Err, no,” said James shortly.
“It would make me feel better,” argued Remus.
“Maybe tomorrow,” said James.
“Excellent!” said Sirius. “We can take all the time we need then; tomorrow’s Friday.”
“I hope it isn’t rainy,” said Peter seriously. “The weather can be so unpredictable in mid-April.” The other three agreed.
“We really should get to bed though,” said James, checking his watch, which proved completely pointless because he couldn’t see it in the dark.
“Let’s go then,” said Sirius.
The four boys walked back up the forest path together. Remus was feeling oddly unreal. He had feared for many months now that his friends would discover his secret. He was sure that if or when they found out, they would abandon him instantly. Or drag me into the forest and threaten to murder me, he thought wryly. The idea had been torturous; it had been so long since he had had any friends. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing his new friends; they were the best he’d ever had.
But now they knew, and they hadn’t abandoned him. He did think that they might have been a little more tactful in their manner of telling him though. It had been insensitive, cruel really, for them to exploit his very worst fear for a simple laugh, to make light of the curse that had ruined his life. But somehow, he couldn’t quite work up the energy required to be angry. He was too busy feeling amazed and, to be honest, a little elated. They don’t care, he thought, they know it doesn’t make any difference. They know that it doesn’t change who I am. They’re not afraid of me. It was a wonderful feeling. He felt as though a huge weight had lifted from him. The worry that had writhed uncontrollably in his stomach had vanished. He was free from the burden of tension. He might have skipped, had he not still ached from being pushed to the ground. James and his brilliant ideas.
“So,” said Sirius, bringing Remus back from his thoughts, “now that you’re ‘out’, can we ask you some questions?”
“I suppose.”
“Where do you go at the full moon?” Sirius asked. “You don’t just run around the grounds, do you?”
“Of course not.” He explained briefly about the Whomping Willow and the Shrieking Shack. By the time he had finished, they were out of the forest again.
“Wow,” said James, as they started walking back along the edge of the trees to the castle. “They sure went through a lot of trouble.”
“Dumbledore didn’t want to take any risks.”
“And I’ll say, on behalf of all of us, that we appreciate that,” said Sirius.
“Are you the first then?” asked Peter. “Are you the first werewolf ever to come to Hogwarts?”
“As far as we know,” said Remus. “I didn’t think I’d be able to come. I really wanted to though, so my parents wrote to Dumbledore and he said it was okay. I think he’s the only Headmaster in the history of Hogwarts brave enough to let a werewolf come to the castle.”
“That’s what I said,” said James, neglecting to mention that he had chosen the word “insane” instead of “brave”.
“It’s lucky he was Headmaster when you wanted to come,” said Sirius.
“There’s definitely something to be said for good timing,” agreed Remus.
“When were you bitten?” James asked.
“When I was four.”
“Blimey! So you’ve been a werewolf for…”
“Over half of my life, yeah,” said Remus.
“It must have been scary,” said Peter, “if you were only four.”
“I had nightmares for weeks.” And still get them sometimes now.
They were quiet for a time as they walked back past the vegetable garden and the greenhouses. Each boy was absorbed in his own thoughts.
“We should put the Cloak back on,” said Sirius, once they were closer to the castle. They moved together again and James covered them in the Cloak. As they walked up to the castle together, crowded under the Cloak, another fact hit home for Remus. His friends were not hesitant to come near him. Usually, when people learned of his affliction, they would shrink away from him as though he might grow fangs and bite them at any moment. Yet here he was, squeezed between his friends under the Cloak, just as if he were anyone else. His elation increased.
“Remus, does it hurt to become a werewolf?” Sirius asked as they walked.
Remus repressed a shudder. He didn’t want his friends to feel him quake. “It’s awful,” he said quietly.
“Is that why you always come back with all those injuries?” asked James.
“Well, sort of. The transformation itself hurts a lot, but then, once it’s over, I have to eat. Since I’m always alone when I change, I end up attacking myself. Madame Pomfery can usually heal most of my injuries, but werewolf bites are cursed, so she can’t heal them completely.”
“That’s awful,” said Peter. Remus could hear pity in his voice.
“Thank you, Captain Points-Out-The-Obvious-A-Lot,” said Sirius.
“Coming to you directly from ‘Mr. Sensitivity’,” retorted Peter.
“Nicknames!” said James excitedly. “I want to be ‘The Amazing Quaffle Boy’!”
“No way,” said Sirius, “your nickname has to stink just as much as the rest of ours.”
“I think his is okay,” said Remus. “We can just add ‘With His Head The Size Of Jupiter’.” Sirius and Peter roared with laughter.
“What’s Remus’s going to be then?” Sirius asked.
“I’ve got an idea!” said James.
“Does it have the word ‘werewolf’ in it anywhere, perchance?” asked Remus.
“No,” said James defensively, “just ‘wolf’.” The others laughed.
They had to stop their conversation as they entered the castle again and made their way back to Gryffindor Tower. Remus yawned; it was past two in the morning. They met no one as they ascended through the castle (though they did hear the loud cursing of the caretaker, Filch, as they passed the fifth floor landing). Once they had reached the Fat Lady, they took off the Cloak again. She started at their sudden appearance.
“How on Earth did you do that?” she asked.
“Magic,” said James simply.
“Twilight,” said Remus (this being the password).
She swung forward and they climbed through and up to their dormitory.
Peter collapsed onto his bed the moment they entered the room. Sirius rummaged in his trunk for pajamas while James stowed the Cloak safely in his own trunk. Remus looked in the mirror in the corner. He was still covered in dirt. He needed bath, but he was too tired right now. He extracted pajamas from his own trunk and changed. Once James, Sirius, and Peter had done the same, James restarted their conversation.
“So, ‘Once-A-Month Wolfboy’, do you know the werewolf who bit you?”
“Creative name,” said Sirius sarcastically.
“Well, Remus?”
Remus shook his head. “I never found out who he was.”
“Git,” muttered Sirius.
“It wasn’t his fault,” said Remus. “He couldn’t control himself. No werewolf can at the full moon.”
There was a short pause, and then Sirius worked up the courage to ask what they all were wondering, “Have you ever bitten anyone?”
Remus couldn’t suppress his shudder this time. He hoped that none of them had seen. “No,” he said. “And I’m never going to, ever.”
“Good,” said James, sounding relieved.
They all climbed into bed and pulled the hangings around them.
“G’night,” Peter mumbled.
“G’night,” the other three replied. James, Sirius, and Peter fell asleep quickly, but Remus lay awake for a few minutes longer, thinking. He felt, at that moment, like the luckiest werewolf in the world. He was at the school of his dreams and he had the three best friends he could ever imagine. Friends, who not only accepted his condition, but liked him in spite of it. He just hoped that when morning came, he wouldn’t wake to find that the whole thing had been a dream.
But Remus needn’t have worried, because it had been real, the good and the bad. He did notice an unexpected change though. Last night, he had thought that his relationship with his friends had been unchanged by their discovery, a fact he had delighted in, but he was wrong. Their relationship had changed. They were now closer than ever before. Now that he was, as Sirius had put it, ‘out’, he felt much more open around his friends. Maybe it was his new cheerfulness and openness that brought his friends closer, or maybe it was the fact that they were now in on his secret. There was something so unifying about knowing a secret with only a few others that that no one else knew. It brought all four of them closer together, the guardians of Remus’s secret.
Besides the occasional werewolf comment muttered jestingly under their breath, his friends treated him just the same as ever. And when full moon came along two weeks later, even it seemed more approachable with his friends’ support to help him.
“Going to visit your sick mother again?” James asked on the morning before the full moon.
“No,” said Remus casually. “I was thinking about just hanging around here tonight, actually.”
“I don’t think so,” said Sirius.
“We’ll be here when you get back,” said Peter.
“Try not to kick your own butt too hard,” said James.
“It’s not kicking I have to worry about.”
“You know what I mean.”
Remus nodded. “Thanks you guys,” he said earnestly.
“Hey,” said James, “that’s what friends are for.”
Authors Notes: This is my first fic, and I can't pretend that I'm not extremely curious as to what you guys think. This is a long chapter; there had to have been something you felt something about. Even just a short review is appreciated. Thanks!