His New Worst Fear
One month had elapsed since Padfoot had gotten stuck in his padded feet on the train, but that single month had held amazing progress for the three Gryffindor boys who were illegally transforming themselves in Animagi. James in particular seemed extremely confident that Remus would only have to endure one or two more full moons before their transformations were complete. Remus on the whole had been happy about this, but somehow, now that the time when James, Peter, and Sirius would join him was drawing rapidly closer and becoming ever more real, he could not shake the nagging feeling that something was going to go horribly wrong.
Not that he had had much time to dwell on it, because he was very busy. Prefect duties were taking up much more of his time than he had expected when he had gotten the badge over the summer. And, of course, Remus was spending time helping his friends with their transformations, which was all-consuming work that did not leave much room in the brain for horrible thoughts about what might happen in a few moons’ time. But the lion’s share of his and all of his friends’ time had been given over to the seemingly endless nightmare known as OWL year, which was turning out to be just as terrible as all of the older students had said. In fact, given how much homework that had been piled on top of them since the start of the year, it was amazing that they had found any time at all for working on Animagi transformations. James and Sirius had even had to cut back on some of their usual mischief in order to fit in both homework and Animagi work. Remus was having recurring dreams about being eaten by a large pile of essay assignments.
At the moment however, Remus was not doing his own homework. He was sitting in the courtyard with Peter reading through a paper Peter had written for their Transfiguration assignment about changing warm-blooded animals into cold-blooded animals. There seemed to be a lot of things wrong with the paper, even by Peter standards, which was odd, because most of the information could have been gotten straight from the textbook. Remus had started out crossing things out that were incorrect, but stopped after the first paragraph once he realized just how many things in the paper were incorrect.
–How bad is it?†Peter asked tentatively.
–Er…†said Remus, as he came to a paragraph about how most mammals lay eggs and how cold-blooded animals use their feathers to insolate themselves.
–How much of it do you think I’ll have to rewrite?†Peter asked.
–Honestly, quite a bit,†Remus said.
–Is it my handwriting or is it - "
–It’s not your handwriting. Er…†Remus tried to think of a way to put it nicely. –Er…Wormtail, did you use the textbook when you wrote this essay?â€
–Yes,†Peter said.
–And you copied the information from your textbook correctly?â€
–Yes I did!†Peter said. –Well it wasn’t actually my textbook. I lost mine. But Prongs let me borrow his and I copied the information exactly correct!â€
–Prongs lent you the textbook?â€
–Yeah…I lost mine.†Peter repeated.
–I see,†Remus said, rolling up Peter’s essay and handing it back to him.
–So what do I have to do to make it better?†Peter asked, putting his essay back into his bag.
–Don’t borrow textbooks from Prongs,†Remus said. –Or Padfoot,†he added as an afterthought.
–Oh,†Peter said. They sat in silence for a minute or two, glazing absently across the courtyard. Then Wormtail asked, –Hey Moony, can I borrow your Transfiguration textbook?â€
–Sure,†said Remus, unzipping his bag. –Just don’t lose it, okay?â€
–I won’t,†Peter said, taking the book from Remus. He opened it to the chapter they were studying and started to read. –Wow, this information is completely different from the stuff in Prongs’s book.â€
–Go figure,†said Remus, zipping up his bag and looking up just in time to see James and Sirius running towards them across the courtyard. As they got closer, Remus noticed that the hems of both their robes were wet.
They had cut back on the mischief, not stopped.
–Where have you two been?†Remus asked when James and Sirius stopped, breathing heavily, in front of him and Peter.
–I’ll tell you where we definitely were not,†James said. –We were definitely not in the boys toilet on the third floor.†He and Sirius exchanged mischievous grins.
–Oh, come on!†Remus said exasperatedly. –That’s the only boys’ toilet left in the building that you two haven’t destroyed!â€
–Exactly,†Sirius said.
–Which is all fine and well until one of us has to use the toilet!†said Remus.
–Calm down, Moony,†said Sirius. –The one in the boys’ dormitory is still useable.â€
–Yeah, if you can get past the five-foot-long clawed iguana living in the bathtub!â€
–You be nice to Carmelita, she’s family,†James said reprovingly.
–It’s been three weeks, Prongs,†Remus said, –and that thing has only gotten bigger and meaner. You need to get rid of it.â€
–She’s a she, Moony, not an it,†James said.
–I don’t even know how you tell,†said Remus. –But if she’s a she, shouldn’t she be haunting a girls toilet instead of ours?â€
–That doesn’t sound very much like something a Prefect would say,†Sirius said.
–Get rid of the iguana,†Remus said seriously.
–If we knew how to get into the girls dormitory and move Carmelita into their bathtub, don’t you think we’d have done it already?†James asked. He pulled out his wand and started drying the hems of his robes. –Come on,†he added, –we should really get to Defense Against the Dark Arts before the teachers find out about the toilet.â€
The first thing that the fifth-year Gryffindors noticed as they walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom was that all of the desks had been pushed up against the walls except the teacher’s desk, leaving a wide empty space in the center of the room. The second thing they noticed was the large trunk, not unlike the ones in which they all kept their possessions up in the dormitories, which was sitting on Professor Wood’s desk.
–What do you think’s in there?†Sirius asked Remus as the class all set their bags down on the desks against the walls and pulled out their wands, ready for a practical lesson.
–Dunno,†Remus replied, mentally sifting through things he had read about the Dark Arts and trying to remember any type of Dark artifact or creature that would be kept in a trunk.
Without warning, the trunk on the desk gave a violent lurch. Several people jumped and Delangela let out a small shriek of surprise.
–Looks like whatever’s in there wants to be let out,†James said conversationally.
–Some kind of Dark creature, maybe?†Sirius suggested.
–Maybe we’re going to fight it!†James said excitedly.
Peter groaned. –I hate practical lessons,†he said miserably. –I’m never any good at fighting Dark stuff.â€
–But it’s important, Wormtail,†Remus said. –When you’re fighting the Dark Arts in real life, it’s all practical. It’s not just about learning stuff from books. You’ve got to have your wits about when you’re facing Dark magic.â€
–Yeah,†James agreed. –And besides, I’d take a practical lesson over a book lesson any day. Using your wand is so much cooler than just sitting and taking notes.â€
–But I’m no good at defense magic,†Peter whined.
–Then improvise,†said James.
–I’m no good at that either!â€
–Well,†said Sirius, who sounded irritated, –then you might as well just throw in the towel now, Wormtail, because you are royally - "
–Good afternoon, class,†Professor Wood said, sweeping into the classroom and closing the door behind her. –I hope you all are ready for an exciting lesson today.â€
Peter groaned again. James was practically bouncing with excitement. Remus was actually quite excited himself.
Professor Wood walked to the front of the classroom where her desk and the trunk sat. The trunk lurched again as she approached. She turned her back to the trunk to face the students and beckoned them all to come gather around. As they all clustered around Professor Wood and the desk, the trunk continued the lurch sporadically.
–What we are studying today,†Professor Wood told the class, –is a creature found commonly in the Wizarding world. It is a fascinating specimen, and by studying it, you can learn very much about the Dark Arts, but you can also learn a great deal about yourselves. Today is double lesson, so to speak. Not only will you learn a new spell that can be used against this creature, but you will also learn how conquer your worst fear.â€
She paused to observe the class, all of whom were silent, watching the shaking trunk behind Professor Wood with a new apprehension.
–Your worst fear,†Professor Wood repeated quietly. –Who can tell me what is in this trunk?â€
Remus raised his hand.
–Yes, Mr. Lupin?â€
–It’s a Boggart,†Remus said.
Professor Wood smiled. –Exactly correct, Mr. Lupin. Five points to - wait - you all are Gryffindors, right? Yes, of course. Five points to Gryffindor.â€
–It’s really reassuring to have a Defense teacher who’s on top of her game,†Sirius muttered quietly, so that only James, Remus, and Peter could hear him.
–Now, Mr. Lupin, can you tell the class what a Boggart is?†Professor Wood asked.
–It’s a shape-shifter,†Remus said. –It changes its form into whatever frightens its enemy most.â€
–Exactly correct again,†said Professor Wood.
–Teacher’s pet,†James muttered. He and Sirius snickered quietly. Remus supposed they found the idea of a werewolf being the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher’s pet to be highly amusing. He fought to keep from rolling his eyes.
–Boggarts are fascinating creatures,†Professor Wood told the class. –They are the monsters that hide under the bed and in the closet. They can induce fear like nothing else, because they can scare everyone and anyone simply by changing shape. They cannot, however, scare everyone at once. Too many people to scare and the Boggart becomes confused. And so with a whole classroom full of students, we should have no trouble facing it.
–But don’t let that put you at too much ease. This class is to prepare you for what you might face in the real world, and in the real world, you might find yourself facing a Boggart alone. And when you are alone, it is much harder to tell if a Boggart is a Boggart, or if it is actually the thing you fear most in the world. But you can’t let this stop you from defeating it. You must remain calm, and cast the spell to vanish a Boggart.â€
She drew out her wand and looked around at the class. –Does everyone have they’re wands?†The fifth-year Gryffindors all drew they’re wands. –Excellent. Now, the spell to repel a Boggart isn’t just your ordinary jinx. You can’t just say the incantation and aim your wand and let the spell take care of everything for you. No, defeating a Boggart requires a certain level of…creativity. And there is a reason for that.
–Think on it for a minute; if victory for a Boggart is frightening someone, what do you think defeat is?â€
Everyone lapsed into thoughtful silence. Remus already knew the answer because he had read about Boggarts, but he decided to let someone else have a go at the question.
–Amusing someone?†James mused aloud without raising his hand.
–Correct, Mr. Potter. Boggarts do not want to be found amusing. So how do you defeat a Boggart? You force him the change into something that makes you laugh. Boggarts hate laughter, and enough of it will utterly destroy a Boggart. And this is why you need to be creative. How can you take something that frightens you and change it into something you find funny? I can’t tell you that, because each of you is afraid of something different. You have to figure it out for yourselves. Take a few minutes now to think on it: what are you most afraid of in the world? In what way could you transform so that it would be less frightening?â€
The class lapsed into thoughtful silence. Some people seemed to have an easier job with the task than others. After only a few seconds’ thought, a confident smile had spread across Sirius’s face, as if he knew exactly what his Boggart would be and how he would defeat it. James was the opposite; he looked perplexed and vaguely panicky. If he didn’t know what to expect, he couldn’t plan ahead. Remus felt a shudder beside him and looked around at Peter. Peter had his eyes closed and was trembling slightly as he pictured his Boggart. He wasn’t the only one, across the room Delangela Narkin was visibly quaking. Lara Coote was biting her nails. Mary McDonald was shifting her weight anxiously from one foot to the other. Lily Evans was running her fingers through her long red hair, looking frustrated and worried.
That was how Remus felt: frustrated and worried. He bit his lip, looking away from Lily, and tried to concentrate. What was he most afraid of in the world? It should have been an easy question, but somehow it wasn’t. There were plenty of things in this world to be frightened of, but which was the most frightening of all? He closed his eyes like Peter had, willing himself to focus. He imagined the night he had been bitten, picturing in his mind’s eye the werewolf who had attacked him when he was only a small child. His heart skipped a bit; the image still scared him. But did it scare him more than anything in the world? Perhaps not. In his head, he flashed forward from the memory of his four-year-old self to his eleven-year-old self. He remembered the weight of anxiety that had lived in his stomach for the better part of his first year; the terror that his new friends - the first friends he had ever had - would discover his secret and abandon him. It had certainly been his worst fear then, but it wasn’t anymore. Sure, he still feared that somehow his secret might be revealed to the rest of the school and that he would have to leave. He feared the world’s rejection, but somehow he had feared the rejection of three boys so much more. Rejection wasn’t his worst fear anymore, so what was? Maybe he was going about this the wrong way, remembering things from his past that had frightened him. What did he fear was coming? What horrors could he imagine in the future? Remus swallowed; the future itself was pretty scary. Assuming he made it through school, what was he going to do after that? What future did a werewolf have, even a Hogwarts-educated one? And what about this war that was approaching? What about Death Eaters and You-Know-Who? And then there was the moon. His future would always hold the next full moon…and the full moon after that…and the full moon after that…and every full moon after that until he died. There was no way to escape the moon; nowhere to hide. It would always come for him…always. He feared the moon. He feared what it did to him. He feared the pain. He feared the loss of his mind. He feared what he could do as the monster, who he could hurt or kill or bite without being able to stop himself -
–Alright then,†Professor Wood said, interrupting Remus’s thoughts. –If everyone is ready, we will begin practicing the spell that repels a Boggart.â€
Remus opened his eyes. Not everyone looked ready, but no one asked Professor Wood for more time. Remus decided not to either. He wasn’t sure what he feared most and didn’t think more time to ponder it would help. He would just have to do the best that he could with whatever he was faced with.
–Now, for the incantation,†said Professor Wood, –everyone repeat after me… riddikulus!â€
–Riddikulus!†the fifth-year Gryffindors repeated.
–Good,†said Professor Wood. –You will say the incantation, while focusing hard on the way you plan to change your Boggart into something comical, and with any luck, you will be successful. We will take turns approaching the Boggart so that everyone can have a fair shot taking it on. Now if everyone could form a line…â€
The class rearranged itself into a line, those who were most frightened pushing for the back, those who wanted to prove themselves most –Gryffindor†pushing for the front of the queue. Remus and James wound up somewhere near the middle with Sirius and Peter a little ways ahead of them.
–Excellent,†said Professor Wood. –Now, on my count of three, I will release the Boggart from the trunk. At this time, the first person will move forward to face the Boggart. Once he has had his turn, I will say ‘next’, at which point he will step back and the next person in line will step forward. Everyone got it?†The Gryffindors nodded. –Right then, on the count of three. One…two…three!â€
Professor Wood shot a jet of sparks at the quaking trunk and the lid flew open as the boy at the front of the line took a few steps forward. Nothing happened. The boy waited, wand drawn. Then, slowly, as if it was rising from a coffin, a vampire sat up in the trunk and climbed out of it onto the floor. His hungry eyes with the dark shadows underneath were fixed unblinkingly on the boy in front of him. The vampire opened his mouth and licked his pointed fangs as he advanced.
–Riddikulus!†the boy yelled.
There was a sound like a loud whip-crack, which seemed to indicate that the spell had worked. Except, looking back at the vampire, he seemed unchanged. But then the vampire opened his mouth again, and the whole class could see that his sharp, blood-sucking fangs had been turned into marshmallows. A few members of the class chuckled.
–Next!†Professor Wood called.
The boy who feared vampires moved back, looking rather pleased with himself, and a skinny girl moved forward. Crack! The marshmallow-toothed vampire disappeared and was replaced by a huge dark-grey storm cloud that hovered just above all of their heads and obscured most of the ceiling. There was a blindingly bright flash as a bolt of lightning struck the floor of the classroom followed immediately by an ear-splitting roar of thunder.
–R-riddikulus!†the skinny girl spluttered.
Crack! The storm cloud shrank dramatically and turned from grey to fluffy white. A second later a shimming rainbow stretched its way from the cloud to the floor. All the scene was missing was some daisies and a unicorn.
–Oh, come on,†James scoffed as Professor Wood called the next person forward.
And so it went on. Various members of the class would move forward to face the Boggart, the Boggart would transform into something scary, and the student would change it into something funny. Soon enough, Peter and Sirius were at the front of the line.
–Next!†Wood called, as the flashing, multicolored disco lights - which had recently been a blazing fire - lit every corner of the room. Sirius and Peter, who had been standing beside each other at the front of the line, both ran forward at the same time. Crack! The flashing lights vanished and with a soft thump the Boggart fell to the floor having transformed into…a large glob of green jelly?
–Huh?†Sirius said intelligently. He and Peter exchanged a confused look as the green glob began to wriggle. It definitely wasn’t jelly.
–So…what are you afraid of?†Peter asked Sirius.
–Dismembered corpses,†Sirius said casually, examining the wriggling blob with his headed tilted slightly to the side. –You?â€
–Flesh-eating slugs,†Peter replied with a small shutter.
–Very interesting,†Professor Wood muttered. –Alright, Mr. Black and Mr. Pettigrew step back. Miss Evans - forward.â€
Sirius and Peter stepped back as the dismembered half of a flesh-eating slug continued to wriggle. Lily Evans moved forward, wand at the ready.
All of the lamps in the DADA classroom went out. The rooms felt suddenly much colder, but that couldn’t have been just from the loss of the lamps. Through the dim light, the class could see a tall, black-hooded figure where the slug half had been a moment before. Remus gasped. He knew exactly what this creature was, but he couldn’t be sure how many others knew because they hadn’t studied these creatures yet.
And Remus knew what would come next.
The Dementor drew a long, rattling, sucking breath. The temperature in the room plummeted even further and fog started to obscure Remus’s vision.
No! Remus told himself sternly. Think of a happy memory, something very happy. Don’t let it get to you.
But it was too late. He could already see the dark backyard of his own house. He could hear his own panicked breathing in his ears. And then he saw the wolf with its yellow eyes gleaming in the darkness. The screams of his four-year-old self erupted in his ears as the wolf struck. Beneath the agonized screams he could hear the sounds of flesh being torn and bones breaking...
–Riddikulus!†Lily cried.
Crack! The screams were cut off. Remus’s vision cleared. The lamps in the classroom flickered back on to show the class a vacuum cleaner moving across the room of its own accord, sucking up dirt on the classroom floor. It wasn’t until a few second had passed that Remus realized that he was being held up. Someone was supporting him from behind.
–You okay?†James’s voice muttered in his ear. Remus straightened himself and turned to face James as Lily stepped back and the next girl in line approached the vacuum cleaner. James watched Remus steadying himself, looking concerned.
–Yeah, I’m okay,†Remus replied, rubbing his head and trying to collect himself. –What just happened?â€
–You nearly collapsed is what just happened,†James whispered.
–I did?†Remus asked. He didn’t remember starting to fall or James catching him. He supposed he must have been so lost in his worst memory that he had briefly lost consciousness.
–Are you sure you’re alright?†James asked.
–I’m fine,†Remus said firmly. He turned back to the middle of the classroom just in time to see the girl who had gone after Lily turn a giant scorpion into a stuffed animal.
–Next!†Wood said.
Roy Hayden stepped forward. The room was suddenly filled with water. It was wet and dense and distorted the whole classroom. But they could all still breath; the Boggart was just creating the illusion of drowning.
–Riddikulus!†Hayden gasped.
The water turned into confetti, which rained down on all of their suddenly-dry heads. The confetti disappeared as Hayden backed up and the next boy stepped forward. There were only five people in front of Remus now. James was right next to him, shooting worried looks in Remus’s direction every few minutes. As the line moved forward, Remus subtly adjusted his position in line so that James was slightly ahead of him. He wanted as much time as possible to recover from the Dementor attack before he faced whatever the Boggart had to offer him. If James noticed, he didn’t mention anything.
Five more people…four more people… Remus was starting to sweat. Three more people…two more people…
–Next!†Professor Wood called.
James charged forward into the center of the room, clearly wanting to demonstrate how fearless he was to the rest of the class. Or, more probably, one single red-headed member of the class.
The room went pitch dark. It wasn’t the same darkness that had filled the room when the Dementor had appeared and the lamps had gone out. The room had just been dim then, now it was filled with a blackness so thick that you couldn’t see your hand right in front of your nose.
–Is Potter afraid of the dark?†the girl behind Remus whispered to her friend.
–I don’t know,†her friend whispered back, giggling slightly.
After a few seconds, James let out a surprised shout. The darkness vanished as quickly as it had come, revealing James in the center of the classroom wrestling with a stringy black creature that had jumped on his back and wrapped itself around him. His left hand was trying to pry the creature’s arms from around his throat, his right was fumbling with his wand.
–Riddikulus!†he choked, pointing his wand over his shoulder. Crack! The creature was gone. Instead, a beautiful young woman in rather revealing red dress robes was standing behind James with her arms held loosely around his neck. Slowly, she moved one hand down across his chest in a very sensual way. A roar of inappropriate laughter erupted from almost every boy in the room and Remus heard Sirius whistle. The Boggart-woman released James and froze. It didn’t like the laughter it was inciting.
–Alright now, Mr. Potter,†Professor Wood said firmly, –your turn is over.â€
James moved away from the Boggart and, smirking slightly, strutted over to where Sirius and Peter were standing. He and Sirius high-fived.
–Next,†Professor Wood said.
Remus approached the Boggart-woman, who was still standing frozen and wary. Crack! There were several gasps and a muffled scream. The Boggart had transformed into a large werewolf. Remus gulped as he stared into the wolf’s gleaming yellow eyes. His nightmare had come to life. Except…something was wrong. This wasn’t the werewolf from his nightmares. He had seen that werewolf a hundred times, and this definitely wasn’t it. And yet, somehow, it was familiar to him…why?
Remus raised his wand but he didn’t use it. He needed to know who the wolf was before it disappeared. And then, the werewolf did something odd: it turned away from Remus. It didn’t make any sense; how could the werewolf scare him if it was turning away? The wolf circled around until its tail was to Remus and then bent its head to pick up something on the floor in its mouth, but Remus couldn’t see what it was. The wolf circled around again to face Remus, to show Remus what it had in its mouth.
Remus’s stomach contracted. In the wolf’s mouth was a blood-soaked human forearm that had been torn off just below the elbow. The wolf’s fangs were cutting deep into the flesh causing even more blood to ooze out. The hand dangled limply from the end of the arm. There was a set of large scratch-marks on the back of the hand, and on the middle finger there was ornate gold ring with a large ruby set in it.
And Remus understood.
–What the hell?†James yelled in shock. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw James grab his right arm with his left hand to make sure that it was still attached to his body. The Potter family ring glinted on his middle finger.
Remus turned back to the wolf. It was leering, James’s arm still grasped firmly in its jaws, clearly very pleased with itself.
–Riddikulus!†Remus shouted.
Crack! The wolf became a puppy and the arm became a squeaky toy. Behind him, Remus could hear a few of the girls saying –aww†as they watched the puppy trot around with toy.
–Next,†Wood said.
Remus turned and walked back to the very back of the classroom, on the opposite side from where his friends were. He could feel a few pairs of eyes following him and thought he heard someone whispering. He didn’t want to be looked at; he didn’t want them speculating about what his Boggart had meant. He wanted to disappear.
Fortunately for Remus, the Boggart after his was a large mutant creature with two heads and a whole bunch of tentacles and claws, which distracted his classmates very effectively. But Remus couldn’t be distracted, his head was too full of the Boggart and all of the fears it had manifested in him. He understood exactly what the Boggart had become and what it meant now, and he was scared out of his mind.
The class continued, and Remus watched his remaining classmates take on the Boggart without really seeing any of it. The only time he came out of his reverie long enough to notice anything was when Delangela had approached the Boggart. It transformed into a gigantic serpent, and Delangela let out a hair-raising scream and bolted for the door, which she slammed behind her. Lily, after a nod from Professor Wood, left to go find Delangela.
Two bloody eyeballs, a rabid squirrel, and a plane full on snakes later, the bell rang, and Professor Wood used her wand to force the Boggart back into the trunk on her desk and dismissed the class.
–Great lesson today, Gryffindors!†Professor Wood called to her students as the filed out of her classroom. –Don’t forget to read chapter six in preparation for next lesson!â€
Remus didn’t really here her. The only thing on his mind was to get out of the classroom and away from his classmates as quickly as possible. Being very careful to avoid eye-contact with anyone, he darted through the classroom door and bolted for the dormitory.
–That was the coolest lesson ever!â€
–I’ve never seen so many scary things in my life!â€
–And then I was all like - riddikulus! And it was all like, not scary anymore.â€
–Hey Potter, what was your Boggart supposed to be anyway? …Potter?â€
–Huh?†James said, jerking his gaze away from his right hand. Peter had rarely seen James looking so unnerved and suspected that it had very little to do with James’s own Boggart.
–What was your Boggart?†the Gryffindor boy repeated.
James wasn’t listening. –Where’s Moony?†he asked Sirius and Peter, scanning the corridor full of students.
–Dunno,†Sirius replied, standing on his toes to try to see over the students.
–Was his Boggart the werewolf who - OOW!†Peter was fairly sure that James had broken several of his toes.
–For Merlin’s sake, Wormtail,†James said. –Don’t just go shouting whatever comes into your head the moment you think of it. Use some sense.â€
–Sorry,†Peter muttered, not entirely sure how it came to be that he was apologizing to James as he limbed down the hall after him and Sirius. –But…was it?†he asked.
–I think so,†James said.
–And why was it eating your - – Peter pressed.
–I don’t know,†James replied tersely.
–He’s not here,†Sirius said. He, James, and Peter joined the throng of students heading down to the Great Hall. –Reckon he’s already at dinner?†Sirius asked.
–Dunno,†said James.
–Think we should go look for him?†Sirius asked.
Peter’s stomach rumbled loudly.
–We’ll catch up with him later,†James said. –Let’s get some dinner.â€
–Yeah,†Sirius agreed. They walked without talking for a little while. When they reached the marble staircase, Sirius said, –Slugs? Really, Wormtail?â€
–Flesh eating slugs!†Peter corrected him, trying to suppress the squeak of fear in his voice. –They’re terrifying!â€
–Er…sure they are,†James said with a slight smirk.
–Shut up, you’re afraid of the dark!†Peter snapped.
–I am not afraid of the dark!†James said, perhaps a little more loudly than he had intended. A few people around them turned their heads.
–Of course your not, mate,†Sirius said earnestly. Peter’s stomach growled again. –Come on,†said Sirius, –If we don’t get Wormtail some food soon he might try to eat us.â€
Peter scowled but didn’t say anything. He really was very hungry. They made their way down to the Great Hall and to the Gryffindor table. Remus, it transpired, was not there, though this did not really surprise them. They ate quickly but didn’t talk. There were too many people around. Still, even though none of them said anything, Peter was sure that his two friends were thinking about the same thing he was.
Peter had seen pictures of werewolves in his DADA textbooks, and even more in the books that James had pulled in the library on the rainy evening in mid-April in their first year. They had been sufficiently terrifying to convince Peter that he never wanted to go anywhere near a transformed werewolf for as long as he lived, a thought that crept up on him quite often while he worked with James and Sirius on becoming an Animagus, but that he had so far managed to keep mostly to himself. The pictures, however, might have been cartoons of bunnies when compared to the monster that had appeared in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom today. Peter couldn’t stop himself from seeing it in his mind, a huge, hulking beast, with massive claws, haunting, pitiless yellow eyes, and way more fangs than would be necessary to tear Peter into a million little pieces. The large amount of blood that had gushed from James’s severed arm was not helping either.
Peter swallowed. It was going to be a lot harder to pretend he wasn’t scared of werewolves now that he had seen the one who had bitten Remus. Poor Remus, he must have been so scared.
After dinner, Peter, Sirius, and James headed up to Gryffindor Tower. Peter, who had expected Remus to be hiding from them to avoid talking about the Boggart, was surprised when they entered their dormitory to find Remus sitting on his bed as though he had been waiting for them.
–Hey,†said Sirius uncertainly.
–Hi,†said Remus quietly, the look on his face was grim, but determined.
Peter, Sirius, and James each sat down on their beds. There was a short silence.
Sirius broke it. –So, Prongs is afraid of the da- –
–I AM NOT AFRAID OF THE DARK!†James interrupted loudly.
Peter giggled. A grin flitted across Remus’s face.
Sirius smirked. –Just afraid of things that come up behind you in the dark and grab you.â€
–Which is a perfectly legitimate thing to be afraid of!†James snapped.
–Oh really?†said Sirius.
–Yes really,†said James.
–Oh really?†said Sirius.
–Yes really,†said James.
–Speaking of things that it is totally legitimate to be afraid of…†said Remus quietly. The other three looked around at him.
–I don’t think,†said Sirius, –that any sod would argue it doesn’t make sense for you to be afraid of the werewolf who attacked you. That thing was bloody terrifying.â€
Peter nodded. James shuddered, holding his arm again, apparently unconsciously.
–As for you being afraid it’s going to come back and eat your mates…†Sirius continued, –I would have to say that’s pretty scary too.â€
Remus sighed. He looked as though he was stealing himself to make some sort of confession.
–That werewolf,†Remus said, choosing to look at the floor rather than at his friends, –the one the Boggart posed as, it wasn’t the one who attacked me.â€
Peter was confused. Judging by the looks on Sirius and James’s faces, so were they.
–So you’re afraid that some other werewolf is going to come and bite off my arm?†James asked. –Why?â€
With what seemed like a great effort, Remus looked up at James. –The werewolf the Boggart posed as was…it was me.â€
The atmosphere in the room changed. All of the blood seemed to have left James’s face. Even Sirius, who put a great deal of effort into looking haughty and composed, seemed to come apart a bit. Peter’s brain was being attacked again by images of the Boggart-werewolf, with its hungry, feral eyes and bloody fangs.
–Y-you?†stammered the ghostly white James.
–Yes,†said Remus, whose face was almost equally as bloodless. –That’s my greatest fear. I’m afraid of what I become under the full moon. I’m terrified of hurting someone I care about.†He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. –You guys have worked so hard to become Animagi, and I really do appreciate it, but I still don’t think you realize the danger you’ll all be in. I’ve been living with it every day. And with every step you take closer to finishing your transformations, I worry more. I worry about what will happen if something goes wrong the night you all finally join me.†He sighed. –And now I think you understand why.â€
A beat, and then, –What are you saying?†James asked. –Are you saying you don’t want us to come to the Shrieking Shack?â€
–What?†exclaimed Sirius. –After all the work we’ve - –
–No,†Remus was quick to interrupt this line of thinking.
–Then what are you saying?†James asked.
Remus seemed to be considering his words very carefully. –I just want you to understand. You three will be risking your lives for me, and you deserve to know what you are facing. To deserve to know that what you saw there wasn’t the creature from my nightmares. It was me. It is me. And it is what you will be facing in the very near future.â€
Remus turned to look at each of his friends where sat. –I’m terrified,†he said bluntly, –and I need you to be terrified too. Because you have to be terrified to have any comprehension at all of what the full moon is really going to be like. You have to understand, because if you don’t…then you’re not in any position to be risking your lives,†Remus finished.
–We understand,†said James.
–Don’t just say that,†said Remus.
–I’m not,†James reassured him. –I won’t lie to you Moony, what we saw there, what you become, it was pretty terrifying. And I think you’re right when you say that maybe we didn’t realize the full extent of what we were facing. But we have thought of it, don’t think that we haven’t. We’re not rushing into this blind.â€
–We’ve talked about it a lot, actually,†Peter admitted.
–You have?†Remus asked.
–Well we didn’t want to offend you by saying it to your face,†Sirius said, throwing a quick look at Peter. –But yeah, Moony, we spend a lot of time talking behind your back about a great horrible beast you are.â€
–In fact,†James chimed in, –we rarely talk of anything else but the inevitable day when you will rip us all into tiny little pieces and dance on our graves.â€
–It’s not funny,†Remus said coldly.
–Fine,†said James, –but in all seriousness, we have talked about it. We’ve considered it, and we’ve all made up our minds. So as far as us deciding not to come to the Shrieking Shack with you,†James’s eyes flashed, –I’d like to see you try and stop us.â€
–Seconded†said Sirius.
–Me too,†agreed Peter.
–So,†James said, clapping his hands together. –Tell us everything, Moony. Spare no gruesome detail. Tell us and show us everything you need to be convinced that we are prepared for what’s coming. And we in turn will show you that no matter what you say, we will still be there with you.â€
And so Remus did. Anything he had ever glossed over when telling his friends what it was like to be a werewolf. Anytime he had hedged and pretended that his injuries weren’t as bad as they were. Everything he had been too afraid to tell them about the damage he had inflicted, both in the Shack and in his parents basement. Things he had been unwilling to admit to himself, about the bloodlust and violent urges he had felt, but been unable to control, in the hazy flashes he could remember of full moons past. How he, as the wolf, had relished the blood and enjoyed the violence.
James, Peter, and Sirius winced, they gaped, they shuddered, and at a few points they looked as though they might be ill. Remus saw the looks that flashed through their eyes they heard his words and remembered the hulking monster from the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. But they never wavered. They never asked him to stop. And when it was done, when Remus had confessed every last horror he had inside him, their minds remained unchanged.
They were ready, and Remus knew it. They still had to see the Shrieking Shack before they could really know, but something told Remus that even that would not scare them away. And when the time came for them to face the full moon together, Remus was sure that they would be as prepared as they possibly could be. None of them, not even Remus, could fully know what to expect on that not-so-far-away night.
For that, they would just have to wait and see.
Author's Notes: Reviews are always appreciated! Even if you just want to beat me up for taking so long to update, that's okay, I deserve it!