* Lyrics here and at the end of the story are from Leonard Cohen’s brilliant song ‘Hallelujah.’
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.*
Severus Snape had been brewing potions since he was eleven, and had never found one he hated more than Amortentia. If anyone asked why (not that they ever had), he would simply say it was because love potions were a sorry waste of time and valuable ingredients.
No one had any cause to guess the true reason - that being near Amortentia brought back memories too painful to bear. Severus had, however, always found a small sliver of comfort in the irony behind this: the fact that a potion brewed to cause love, with the distinctive smell of the things he loved (only her, always her), caused so much pain.
For this reason, he avoided it. Severus did not need the Amortentia to remember, and being near it only made everything worse. This plan has worked well enough over the years, the only mishap being in an apothecary that had the potion on display. He had left immediately, Disapparating far away from the haunting smells.
So Severus never expected that, when he entered Slughorn’s dungeon to ask for an ingredient, he would see the pearly sheen in one of the cauldrons. He quickly collected what he came for, but not before he could smell the three things he never wanted to again.
i.
“Have you gotten your owl yet?” Lily asked, holding a small daisy blossom in her palm and watching it open and close continuously.
She and Severus were both sitting cross-legged in front of the river that ran by his house, surrounded by a canopy of trees. He glanced sideways at her before dully answering her question.
“It came yesterday.” He had hoped his mother would have been prouder, and that she would have told him fantastic stories about Hogwarts, instead of merely commenting on the price of books.
“That means someone will be coming to my house soon!” Lily exclaimed. “Maybe I should go now in case they’re there.”
Severus nodded, jealous of her and happy for her all at once. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
“Bye, Severus,” she called as she stood up and flounced off. She dropped the flower blossom when she passed, and it fluttered to the ground beside him.
When she was out of sight, Severus picked up the tiny flower and pocketed it. Once he was home, he took it out, and the daisy’s sweet aroma hovered in his room.
ii.
The scent of vanilla filled the compartment as the door slid open. Severus’s eyes snapped away from the window to see who had intruded on his peace and quiet.
“Hey, Severus.”
“Lily,” he said simply. It was fourth year, but he still hadn't gotten used to her being his friend in public. He had tried to explain it would only bring unwanted jinxes and hexes on her, but she ignored him. As she sat down across from him, Severus knew he should tell her that they shouldn’t be friends (even though it would have killed him).
“This year will be so much fun,” she exclaimed before he could say anything. “We should be able to begin O.W.L. level spells and potions. Maybe Slughorn will finally give us something that’s challenging.”
“Hopefully,” he answered.
She raised an eyebrow, knowing something was wrong. She always could read him better than anyone else. “What?”
“Nothing,” Severus said, but he was really thinking that it would probably be better to stop talking to Lily now. If he waited much longer, it would be too hard to quit being her friend, and it was better for her to leave him the hell alone as soon as possible.
“Liar,” she said, a hint of a smile forming.
“It’s just,” Severus began, unsure of what to actually tell her, “are you sure you should be sitting with me?”
Her smile broadened. “Of course, Sev. It’s where I want to sit.”
He didn’t return her smile, but her answer was enough to keep him feeling as if he were floating the rest of the week.
iii.
Raindrops pelted Severus as he chased a curtain of red hair down Diagon Alley. When Lily turned into Flourish and Blotts suddenly, he took a deep breath and then followed her inside.
She was looking at a book containing useful household potions when he finally worked up the nerve to talk to her. After fifth year, she had forgiven him grudgingly, because she was Lily, and couldn’t stay mad at anyone (even if he deserved it ten times over). But after graduating from Hogwarts, Severus had had few opportunities to visit her. Today was the first day of October, and he hadn’t seen her since maybe late August.
“Lily.” His voice filled the quiet bookstore, and she turned immediately to see who had called her name.
“Severus!” She smiled brightly and hugged him. “How’ve you been?”
“I’ve been well,” he said vaguely, because it wasn’t as if he could have told her he had become a Death Eater, even if he did think she might have already guessed. “And you?”
“Great,” Lily replied. “Harry’s been a bit of a handful, but James and I are doing fine.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” Severus replied, although he had to make an effort not to scowl when she said James. “What are you looking for?”
“Oh, I’m just getting some last minute things; I won’t have the chance to come back for a while,” she said cryptically. (He realized later that she was talking about going into hiding.)
He nodded as she frowned and said, “What I want isn’t here, so I better get going.”
Lily set the book she had been leafing through back on the shelf. She began to leave, and since Severus wasn’t buying anything, he followed her out of the store.
Outside, they stood awkwardly in the rain, neither knowing what to say. It was a moment before Lily finally broke the silence. “Well, I have to run into Madam Malkin’s, but it was great to see you," she said.
“I’ve missed you.” The words tumbled out as they both stood right outside the shop. Severus had to stop himself from adding that she couldn’t imagine how much.
“I’ve missed you too!” She opened her mouth and started to say, “I’d love for you to come-” but then stopped abruptly, and Severus didn’t push it, assuming it was because James wouldn’t want him there. She gave him one last hug and then said she really needed to go. “James is watching Harry, and I promised I’d be home for dinner.”
“Okay then.”
Lily hesitated, about to turn. She looked as though she wanted to tell him something important, but instead said, "I wish I had an umbrella - I'm going to get soaked if I stay here much longer."
Severus smiled slightly, and glanced up at the grey sky. "Me too." He paused. "Well, bye, Lily.”
“Bye, Sev.” This time she did turn, and with a quick glance back over her shoulder, she set off at a quick pace in the hopes of avoiding getting wet.
The rain continued to fall, leaving its distinct scent hovering in the air and Severus getting wetter by the minute as he stood there staring after her. And although he didn’t know as he watched her walk away, it would be the last time he saw her alive. (Later, he begged to see her body, and Dumbledore showed him, but he would wished he hadn’t asked, because her empty, green eyes haunted him still.)
---
Leaving Slughorn with a confused expression planted on his plump face, Severus quickly made his way out of the dungeon, his footsteps echoing in the corridors. He wasn’t quite sure how he had managed to do it, but he found himself back in his office. He sat at his desk, head in his hands, and tried not to remember.
(It didn’t work.)
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah.*
Only Her, Always Her by solemnlyswear_x
Chapter Notes: A/N: Thanks to kask, Colores, and thegirllikeme for betaing! =)