Their first year at Hogwarts flew by like Viktor Krum in pursuit of a Snitch. Everyone had easily fallen into the routine of classes and went through the motions of getting by. Lillian had a handle on her classwork now, especially since she and Severn had begun studying together for Potions, as well as every other class.
As the Christmas holiday approached, Lillian and Severn spent increasingly more time together. Their favorite pastime was walking around the castle and discovering its secrets as they talked.
“I don’t know what I should do for three whole weeks without you,” Lillian admitted sadly.
They rounded the corner and met the gargoyle at Professor Birkwell’s office and kept walking. She wondered if the Headmistress or professors ever went home for holidays, and then a thought occurred to her.
“You could come home with me,” she offered. “My parents would love to meet you, I’m sure. It would be so much better than staying here all alone at Christmas.”
Severn had begun to descend a moving staircase and nearly lost his footing. His pulse quickened and he answered in a quavering voice, “Thanks, but I think I’d do better to just stay here.”
He couldn’t believe he was refusing such a kind offer, but what else could he do? Staying with Lillian and her parents for three weeks would have been uncomfortable at best, terrifying at worst.
“You don’t want to spend Christmas with me?” Lillian asked, her voice betraying her hurt feelings.
“It’s not that…” Severn started, then stopped abruptly. He hadn’t any actual words to describe clearly why he couldn’t go home with Lillian. She knew he was shy, but that was a pathetic excuse. He also couldn’t tell her that if he ever went home with her that he might never be able to leave.
Lillian put her arm around Severn’s shoulder. “You know you’re my best friend, right? Even better than Rory and Simone.”
“I know,” he replied, and his nerves began to settle.
“There’s still a few days left. Maybe you’ll change your mind.”
The following Wednesday morning, Lillian and Severn were eating breakfast with Rory, Simone, and a second year boy named Quentin. The Great Hall was abuzz with the excitement of the approaching holiday; students were chatting happily about their holiday plans and how nice it would be to go back home for a while.
Only Severn didn’t seem very interested in this conversation. He wasn’t and never would be excited to go back home to his dingy place in London, mostly because of the company he shared it with.
“So,” Lillian said, “have you thought any more about it? Everyone’s going home over the break…”
He knew what she was doing. She wanted to make sure he knew that he’d be virtually alone in the castle “ no one to talk to or keep him company “ but that’s what he was counting on.
“Not everyone’s going home!” Jamie yelled from the end of the table.
“Eavesdrop much?” Lillian asked sarcastically.
Jamie ignored her and kept talking. “I’m not going home,” he said proudly. “Looks like Severn and I will have some company. We might even get to be friends.” He grinned out of one side of his mouth and arched his eyebrow in a menacing way.
Lililan turned to Severn and whispered in his ear, “You really should come home with me. Just listen to that prat. He’ll make you miserable if you stay!”
“Then why don’t you stay with me?”
She hesitated for a moment, getting Severn’s hopes up before letting him down. “I can’t. I promised my mum and dad I would be home for Christmas.”
Severn’s mouth drooped into a sideways frown but he didn’t argue. He knew how important her family was to her, and he would never expect that she’d put him “ her friend for only five months now “ over the family she’s known her entire life. Severn would never believe someone would pick him over someone else if they were given a choice.
“I understand,” was all Severn had to say in response.
The rest of the day passed slowly. Lillian resigned to the fact that Severn wouldn’t come home with her, and Severn knew that she needed to be with her family. The last thing they wanted to be doing was listening to another History of Magic lecture. They had only a few days left to be together and had to spend them wisely.
As they walked back to Gryffindor Tower at the end of the day, trying to decide whether to play Exploding Snap or Wizard Chess before getting started on Transfiguration homework, Jamie bounded up behind them and interrupted.
“So Lillian, you change your mind about staying at Hogwarts now that you know I’ll be here?” he said and laughed. Daniel was just behind him and threw Jamie a wink as if to say “Go get her!”
“Because you think your presence would entice me to stay? Think again,” Lillian said.
She shrugged Jamie off easily as she and Severn entered the portrait hole. That boy just never seemed to give up despite how many times Lillian had made it clear that she wanted to have nothing to do with him.
Then again…had she ever explicitly told him she never wanted to see or speak to him? That he was wasting his time by showing off in front of her? That she had no desire for him and no intention of returning his affection? Perhaps not. Lillian wasn’t sure and didn’t wish to think any more on the matter. If Jamie couldn’t take a hint by now, there was no hope for his tiny brain to grasp it.
Lillian and Severn took their usual spot on the comfy chairs by the fireplace, glad to be free of Jamie. With any luck they wouldn’t have to see him again until Care of Magical Creatures tomorrow morning.
“Wizard Chess it is,” Severn said. “Takes much longer to finish one of these games. I don’t suppose there’s a reason for that, is there, Ms. Procrastinator?” He smiled facetiously and delighted in the broad grin on Lillian’s face.
“Oh, hush!” Lillian said, laughing. “I’m not procrastinating. I’m enjoying time with my best friend while I still can. If my enjoyment happens to delay my work on Transfiguration, then so be it.”
Lillian was still laughing at the thought of Severn making a joke. He was usually so stoic and serious; this was a new side of him.
She was also certain that Severn had never had a friend before her that he liked well enough to joke with. The thought that she was the one who allowed him to let his guard down lifted her spirits and made up for the disappointment that he wouldn’t come home with her. Lillian hadn’t felt this close to him since that night under the tree.
“Check,” said Severn. Lillian must have had an increduluous look on her face because Severn immediately asked, “What?”
“Nothing, I just wasn’t paying close attention. Lost in thought.”
The day came for Lillian to pack her trunk. She was excited and anxious to go home, but reluctant to leave Severn behind “ especially since Jamie would be at Hogwarts, too. A bad feeling she couldn’t explain resonated in her mind.
“Have fun,” she said to Severn before boarding the train in Hogsmeade. “And stay out of Jamie’s way, if you can.”
“I’m not afraid of him,” he replied, in a tone that sounded convincing.
Lillian put a hand on his bicep to plead with him. “I know, but still. I would feel better if you two kept your distance.”
“I don’t think you have to worry about that.”
Aside from having to sleep in the same room, eat at the same table for every meal, and attend all the same classes, Jamie and Severn did tend to avoid each other as much as possible. It would be only too much to hope for that situation to continue into the holiday season.
“Write to me,” Lillian requested. “I’ll feel so weird not talking to you every day.”
“If you write to me.”
The steam engine’s whistle blew to signal the last call. Lillian looked to the train and back to Severn, and then slowly she approached to hug him. She held him tight around the neck and almost didn’t feel Severn’s arms wrapped timidly around her waist.
“Happy Christmas, Severn.”
“Yeah, Happy Christmas.”
Lillian hadn’t been able to wait two days before writing Severn her first letter. She was so used to sharing everything with him that being apart seemed unusual. Geographical distance wasn’t enough to keep her from him.
A small tawny owl delivered the letter to Severn just before dinnertime. He tucked it securely in his pocket to keep until after his meal. For some reason the roast beef and Yorkshire pudding smelled and tasted more delicious than ever that night; it must have been the excitement and happiness about the letter effecting his senses.
“What are you grinning about?” Jamie asked rudely. “Have you got some imaginary friends down there telling jokes?” He and Brandon Knightly, a fourth year Gryffindor, laughed with each other at Severn’s expense.
“I don’t need imaginary friends, Jamie, because unlike you, I have a real one.”
Brandon snickered under his breath and Jamie immediately took offense. “I have too got friends!” he snapped back. “More than you could ever dream of having!”
Severn took another bite and enjoyed it slowly before replying. “They’re your true friends are they? Tell me, has even one of them written you a letter yet?”
Jamie thought for a moment about all of his friends, and then decided it didn’t matter if they were true friends or not. Plenty of people knew him and liked him. That’s what mattered. Nobody writes letters after just two days, he thought bitterly to himself. They’re a waste of time, anyway.
“I see,” Severn said knowingly after Jamie didn’t respond. “No true friends. Pity. Remember the only common factor in all of your friendships is you.” With that last cutting remark, Severn left the table, and his empty plates and half-empty pumpkin juice glass disappeared. He quickly retreated to the first year boys’ dormitory where he could read Lililan’s letter in peace and solitude.
Dear Severn,
I know I just saw you on Saturday, but it feels like a lot longer than that. Fortunately Mum has put me to work around the house to get ready for Christmas. My little sister, Karen, is cleaning windows now. Mum says she gets the easy jobs because she’s only seven and can’t be trusted with polishing the silver. It’s not the most exciting job but it keeps me occupied.
Mum doesn’t normally care so much if the house looks perfect, but my grandparents and all my cousins from Sheffield are arriving tomorrow. I wish you were here so you could meet my Uncle Larry (Mum’s brother). He has the greatest sense of humor and always brings presents from Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes. I’ll be sure and save you some.
How are things going at Hogwarts? I hope there are some others around besides Jamie so that you may at least have someone to talk to. It must be dreadful having to deal with that prat on your own. But don’t worry “ the holiday will be over before you know it! Then things can go back to being normal again.
I must be going. Dad’s going to find a Christmas tree and needs some help. It beats polishing silver! Write back soon.
Your friend, Lillian
Severn read her letter twice, paying special attention to the words, “I wish you were here.” He traced the meticulously written letter with his fingers, knowing that she had once held this parchment in her hands. Severn especially loved the intricate lettering of his name “ the way the S swirled about on both ends and each letter had a pretty little curve and graceful movement to the next.
He wasted no time in beginning his reply. Lililan seemed anxious to know how he was surviving with Jamie around, so Severn decided it would be thoughtful to quickly assure her that everything was as good as could be expected. The castle was big enough that they could generally stay out of each other’s way for the majority of the time.
Just as Severn was nearing the end of his letter, he heard footsteps coming up the stairwell. He turned the parchment over on the table and hastily grabbed a book to pretend to read. His letter to Lillian was none of Jamie’s business, after all.
“What’re you doing?” asked Jamie as he entered the dormitory.
“What does it look like?”
“Ok, smart ass, you’re reading. Well quit reading for a minute ‘cause I’ve got something to say,” Jamie said determinedly.
Severn laid the book down across his chest and waited for the confrontation to ensue.
“You left the Great Hall before I finished. I was going to tell you “ that, erm “ that I always get what I want.”
He stood at the foot of Severn’s bed with his knees locked and arms folded across his chest, looking rather like a pouting child.
“If I wanted any true friends, I would have them. But nobody at Hogwarts is my true friend. So just drop it!” Jamie finished.
Severn was actually quite surprised that Jamie had still been pining over the true friends issue they had squabbled about over dinner. From what he knew, Jamie seemed to care for nothing but his own personal gain. It didn’t occur to him that Jamie might ever be interested in a mutually dependent relationship like a true friendship.
But what didn’t surprise him was Jamie’s excuse for not having true friends “ that he didn’t want them. Even when trying to explain himself, Jamie hid behind his arrogance, not to mention his spoiled rotten attitude.
“Okay, dropped,” Severn replied.
“Good.” Without another word to Severn, Jamie turned and left the dormitory.
Inside, Jamie’s mind was reeling. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t tried to make real friends, nor that he didn’t want them. What bothered him most was that there was no feeling. Jamie knew every girl and boy in every year at Hogwarts “ at least by name and face “ not because he sought popularity, but because subconsciously he was searching for someone out of the crowd. Somehow Jamie knew that he had a best friend, two in fact, and had been searching for them all year. He made friend after friend, but none of them gave him the right feeling.
It was disconcerting to a boy like Jamie, a boy who always got what he wanted, to know that there was someone out there that he couldn’t find. Of course he had a handful of fairly good friends and an even bigger repetoire of acquaintances, but that wasn’t enough to satisfy a deep-seeded urge to find his best friends. After months of fruitless searching, Jamie had nearly given up.
The lights were out by the time Jamie returned to the dormitory. He could see a lump under the blankets on Severn’s bed. Jamie assumed he was asleep and got ready for bed himself.
“You’re wrong, you know,” Jamie said into the darkness.
He paused and thought he heard a muffled groan from Severn’s direction. Perhaps he would listen.
Jamie continued, “What you said earlier, about me not having any true friends. I did have true friends, once. I just don’t remember. Sounds like rubbish, huh?”
The blankets were thick and heavy “ perfect to keep him comfortable on a freezing night like this. Jamie snuggled into them and buried his face in his pillow. As he rustled with the sheets one last time, Jamie thought he heard Severn mutter the word, “No.”
“Sometimes I feel like maybe Lillian could be my true friend,” he said, aware that he might not be speaking loud enough for Severn to hear him. “I feel like we should be…more than what we are now. But it’s impossible, right? That doesn’t make any sense. She hates me. And you hate me. You two are friends, so you both hate me together.”
“Fine line between love and hate,” Severn said groggily. “Friendships are funny things. They change people. They’re impossible to explain, only to feel. And you never know how they’ll turn out.”
What Severn said hardly seemed coherent at all, but at the same time it made perfect sense to his tired brain.
“So you don’t think I’m crazy?” Jamie asked, and then wondered if that was a wise choice.
“Oddly enough,” Severn said. Within seconds he was breathing deeply and steadily, sound asleep.
Jamie drifted off to sleep slowly, thinking about his lost friendships and whatever could have happened to them. He knew he wasn’t mad; Severn even said so. So what could have possibly made this come about? He hadn’t any answers, but he had comfort in knowing that his secret wasn’t locked up inside anymore, and that someone else might actually understand.
The more he thought about his friendships, the more convinced he was that he and Lillian would be friends. It was how it should be. He felt it in his bones that eventually he would win Lillian over. It would have been easier to do if his true friends hadn’t deserted him, but maybe Severn could help things along.
Early the next morning, before Jamie had even opened his eyes, Severn was awake and writing away at a new draft of his letter to Lillian. His quill scratched feverishly on the new parchment, telling her every detail about his conversation with Jamie and analyzing what happened for her. The last thing he did before giong to the owlery was crumple the old letter in a tight ball and toss it toward the bin.
When Jamie finally awoke, he was alone, which made him both relieved and disappointed. Last night he realized that what Severn said about his friends was right. Jamie hadn’t told anyone at Hogwarts “ or anywhere else, for that matter “ how he felt like his true friends were missing, that there was a gap in his soul where friendships belonged. He almost wished that Severn had still been in the dormitory so they could talk some more in comfort… But what more could he say?
Whether they talked again or not, Jamie felt like his conversation with Severn had been a turning point. He realized it had been fairly one-sided, with Jamie confessing his secret and telling Severn why he was wrong, but the way Severn responded was encouraging somehow. Severn might still think he was conceited and rude, but didn’t think he was a liar or a nutcase. Maybe Severn wasn’t so bad after all. It seemed like maybe today would be the start of something better.
Jamie forced himself out of bed and landed barefoot on the freezing stone floors. He dressed in his heaviest sweater and thickest socks to warm up quickly. His stomach growled in his ear as he bent to tie his shoelaces, but instead of rushing off to the Great Hall for breakfast, Jamie stopped.
He had caught a glimpse of a wad of parchment on the floor near Severn’s bed and curiosity struck him. Schoolwork was over for the time being, so he knew it had to be something personal.
It’s not right, Jamie’s conscience warned him. For a split second Jamie considered walking away and forgetting it, especially considering the new light in which he now saw Severn.
But if he doesn’t find out, then what’s the harm? he countered. It’s probably just rubbish, anyway.
His mind was set. Jamie tiptoed stealthily over to Severn’s bed and picked up the discarded parchment. He knew he shouldn’t be reading, but the letter seemed to unfold of its own accord.
Dear Lillian,
I’m happy to hear that you are enjoying being home with your family, although the cleaning doesn’t sound like much fun. Of course I would like to be there with you and meet your Uncle Larry (except your mum would probably have me cleaning, too). Maybe you could say hello to him for me.
I know what you mean about two days feeling much longer than that. Without you here to talk to and play games with, Hogwarts really isn’t very exciting. At least it’s a great big castle so I can wander and explore a few things while I’m here with nothing to do.
As for company, Jamie and Brandon are the only Gryffindors still here. It’s not much beter than expected, but I suppose I’m surviving alright. Jamie keeps proving that he’s a stupid git who can only make conversation if he’s praising himself or putting down someone else. Honestly, I’ve never heard one intelligent thing out of his mouth. Tonight at dinner he felt the need to impress Brandon by making fun at my expense. It didn’t bother me so much, especially because I was able to turn it around and make him the joke. It might not have been the most civil thing to do, but he’s got to learn somehow. Boys as dense as Jamie will just never get it until someone smacks them in the face with reality.
I better be off to bed before this becomes a foot-long essay. Enjoy the rest of the holiday with your family, and I’ll do my best to suffer as little as possible in Jamie’s presence. I’ll write you if anything new and exciting happens.
Sincerely, Severn
Jamie fumed. He stared in disbelief and utter hatred at the letter, feeling nothing but contempt for its author. After everything they had talked about last night, after he bared his soul and confessed secrets he’d never told to anyone, Severn still thought of him as a low-life and insulted him behind his back. He’d never felt so betrayed.
Jamie didn’t even know what to be the angriest about: what the letter said, the fact that Severn had been writing to Lillian, or that Severn had been telling her every single detail to try to make Jamie look bad.
Again a feeling of possessiveness rose in his chest, and his outrage towards Severn boiled his blood. Lillian is mine! How dare that sniveling creep talk to her about me behind my back! He’s a no good liar and a conniving, deceitful bastard…
Jamie got lost in his trail of cutting insults and nearly forgot about breakfast. His feet carried him to the Great Hall for another purpose: to find Severn and beat the piss out of him.
Severn didn’t even see it coming. Before he knew it, he had been thrown onto his back when a forceful blow connected with his lower jaw. A trickle of blood ran down his lip and chin, and his head pounded from the impact of the floor. Jamie stood over him and grabbed him up by his robes, holding him close to appear more intimidating.
“You son of a bitch, Severn,” Jamie spat. “I can’t trust you, either. Just when you almost had me fooled.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Severn replied honestly. He had the taste of blood in his mouth and moved to wipe it with his sleeve.
“Just forget it. I had a feeling about you all along, and I guess I was right.”
Jamie left without another word. He had firmly made up his mind about Severn, not even asking or allowing him to explain the letter or defend himself. He decidedly pit himself against Severn from then on and worked towards taking the one thing Severn had that Jamie wanted. Lillian would be his, make no mistake.
The next day, Severn’s lip was still swollen to twice its normal size and was tender to the touch. He and Jamie hadn’t spoken two words to each other since their encounter, mostly because Jamie only scowled and quite often left the room if they happened to be together. The only communication Severn had to look forward to was a return letter from Lillian, though he didn’t even know if she’d received hers yet.
In fact, the school owl “ who was older and a much slower flyer than Lillian’s owl “ had delivered the new letter that morning. It awaited her on the kitchen table when she arrived for breakfast.
“He wrote!” she exclaimed. “And so quickly, too!”
Lillian, unlike Severn, hadn’t the patience to wait until after her meal; she ripped into the letter and immediately read its contents.
Dear Lillian,
I wrote you a letter last night and planned to send it today, but between then and now, something strange happened. This is actually the second letter, because everything I said in the first seems invalid…at least somewhat. This sounds confusing, so let me explain.
Jamie and I hadn’t been getting on very well, as usual, but it hadn’t been torture. We only saw each other at mealtime and bedtime, so it wasn’t too hard to avoid him. Last night’s dinner started like any other: he insulted me, I insulted him back and got the better of him, and then I left. It was a simple comment about his lack of true friends and the obvious reason why.
Well, apparently Jamie has a real weakness when it comes to friendships. He used his arrogrance and self-entitlement to make excuses, but basically he said he had been trying to find true friends all year. He told me all about how he feels like he should have true friends but he just can’t find them, how he knows he used to have true friends and doesn’t remember. I know I was half-asleep and all, but I honestly thought I was dreaming.
The weirdest part of all was when he started talking about you. Jamie said something about how he felt like you and he should be better friends than you are now “ something more. I admit I thought it was ridiculous (and still think it’s highly unlikely) but there was a sincerity and tone of absolute conviction in his voice. I don’t know where it came from, but it wasn’t the voice of the Jamie you and I know.
You really should have been there because I know I’m not getting it all down right. It was just so odd to hear him talk like that “ without pretense or agenda “ and actually seem to trust me. I’m starting to think maybe he’s not so bad, after all. Of course he’ll always be a stuck-up prat, but there’s another side of him we just haven’t seen. There’s hope for him yet to be a normal human being.
Long letter. Didn’t mean to take up so much space with this, but thought it was important and that you’d want to know. Glad you are having a good time with your family. Write soon!
Sincerely, Severn
Lillian was puzzled from the start upon reading Severn’s letter. She hadn’t expected this sort of behavior from Jamie, and yet she was happy, delighted even. Lillian told herself it was the fact that he had acted civil and almost friendly towards Severn, had been brave enough to take an emotional risk, and nothing to do with the fact that he mentioned her name.
Her bewildement gave way to daydreaming about the farfetched possibility that the three of them could become friends. Maybe Jamie would find the friends he had lost.
But she had no idea that those new hopes were in vain. The damage had been done and set in stone, all because of a discarded letter and a boy who couldn’t trust.