Sleigh Bells
I could be anyone I wanted. For as long as I could remember, it had all up to me. And everyone thought it was amazing. They would clap and whistle, call out in amazement as they watched. And I, of course, would smile and laugh, enjoying the attention. It wasn’t until recently did I realise that it never mattered; I could have changed all I wanted but it didn’t make a hell of a difference. Not when I didn’t know who I wanted to be.
Although I never knew who I was, I always knew what I wanted. I wanted the life that had been ripped from me. I wanted what Fate stole away. I wanted my parents, because even if you never know someone, you can’t help but imagine the life that could have been. Because they could have told me who I was supposed to be.
I glanced out the window, trying to form any words. I had one hour to find something to say that would mend one year. Twelve months. Three hundred and sixty-five days.
I’m sorry I broke your heart. Maybe I didn’t want to be the only one broken. I never wanted to hurt you. I guess not wanting to do something doesn’t prevent it. It was hopeless, and I knew this. I knew I shouldn’t have bothered, but things kept filling my mind. Things that she wouldn’t give a damn about.
I didn’t want her to take me back. I didn’t expect her to. Honestly, I didn’t expect much. As much as I’d like it, I didn’t even expect forgiveness. How could I? After what I had done… I guess I just wanted her to know that I didn’t do it to hurt her. I never hated her. I just didn’t love her anymore. And Ana. She was too pretty not to be attracted to.
I watched snow swirled around from the glass of the train. I could have easily Apparated back, but there was something about a train. I guess I wanted to be brought back to my days of Hogwarts. I was happy then. I had Victoire then.
White. It was blinding. It made everything cloudy; it peeled the sense out of my mind. But my mind didn’t drift to Ana. It didn’t jump to the week we spent outside watching the snow drift down. I didn’t think of how the flakes would catch in her eyelashes, or how the pinkness of the sky and glow of the snow would brighten her face. I was thinking of Victoire. I was thinking how it snowed the night I broke her heart. I was thinking how the first time I met her was to go sledding when I was nine. I was thinking of how much I missed her.
I wanted to see Victoire. I did. But I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to see what I gave up, because I knew it would be a blow. Victoire wasn’t the kind of person you could just forget; I just learned it too late.
But even with the dread of seeing Victoire, a sense of peace settled in my stomach. I was going home. It was Christmas Eve and I would be home. Home. Without my grandmother. Can I still call it home?
And with those thoughts, my forehead titled onto the cool glass of the window. Eyes filling with white, I drifted off to sleep.
My grandmother is laughing, placing an angel on top of the tree. She steps away to admire our work and I flick my wand, making the tree come to life. Red and green, blue and yellow. The lights dance over the branches. Victoire claps, face glowing. Ana’s address burns a hole in my pocket. Victoire slips her arm through mine, leaning into me. I can feel her long hair tickling my face, her soft skin against my neck.
The scene suddenly flickers. Three weeks later. December twenty-sixth.
My grandmother’s tombstone. Tears flowing down Victoire’s face. A furtive glance at Ana.
“We’re done, Teddy.” Her voice is strangled. My heart breaks. I don’t feel it right then, but I do the next day. And the next day. The dull ache is back. I lost the most important thing in my life that I had left. I am backing my bags. Ana moves closer and my heart swells guiltily. Victoire laughs.
I woke up with a cold sweat, moisture lingering on my skin even as I got off the train. It evaporated as soon as the December air hit it, but it still felt like there was a rock in my stomach. How could I get rid of that?
***
The cold greeted my face like an old friend. I hadn’t felt it in a year. And the snow. It was like a stranger. I had forgotten the crunch under my feet of the packed ice and the way the freshly fallen powder sticks. I had forgotten the tingle of the wind and the redness that results. I had only known the sun, making the snow and the lights that embellish the town a refreshing treat.
I thought about going to the home my grandmother left me, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to go into there where the last person there was my grandmother. Well, unless you considered my frenzied packing.
So I went to the second place that came to mind. The Potter’s. It was a large white house decked with colored lights and a red wreath on the door. It had always been a second home, but I still wondered if I was welcome. Which one won “ godson or niece?
I didn’t know and not knowing caused nerves to run up my spine.
I began to sweat. I could just turn around and leave again. I could Disapparate. I could never look back. I could forget about Harry and Ginny, James and Al and Lily “ the family I hadn’t been given. I could never burden Victoire again. I could be truly punished for my infidelity. But I didn’t want that. I lost one family. I couldn’t lose another, as much as I deserved it.
So I raised my hand. Victoire probably wouldn’t even be there. It would probably just be the Potters. James and Al and Lily. All older.
Where have I been?
I closed my eyes for a second, breathing in the bitter air. It made the inside of my nose freeze, immediately thawing when I exhaled. I hated that feeling, but more so, I hated that I had to muster the courage to knock. I hated that I was a stranger.
A sudden gust of warmth greeted my face and my eyes flashed open.
“Teddy?”
My breath left my lungs and I stared at her for a minute. Victoire. In that moment, I knew that I was a fool.
She took a step back, retreating into the open door. I was the last person she expected to see standing there. I was the last person she wanted to see. Her eyes were wide, crystal blue, and her hair was fanned over her cloak. She was beautiful.
“Hi,” I said, my voice breathless.
She quickly scanned me, probably to verify what she saw. And I smiled, hoping that she remembered she once loved me.
“How are you?” I asked, vaguely aware that she was leaving. She opened the door for a reason.
“I’m okay. Just leaving, actually. How’s Ana?” She looked at me, her voice not as bitter as I expected.
I wished she hadn’t said that. Ana was the last person I wanted to talk about.
“I don’t know. How’s Alex?”
If she was going to bring up the past, so was I.
“He’s good. Married for about two years.” I could tell she was disgruntled that I brought him up. He was the boy she dumped for me. I didn’t know why I mentioned him; I hadn’t thought of him in years. Well, she brought up Ana. She started it. She always started it.
“I’m glad.” I didn’t even bother to hide the bitterness in my voice. I knew she heard it and shot me a you-have-no-right-to-be-angry look. I knew I didn’t. Merlin, I knew I didn’t. I did it. I fell for Ana without even knowing her. I thought I could have had it all. I thought Ana was it all. I thought she was exotic, and for that mystery, I gave up Victoire. The biggest mistake of my life. Sure Ana was exotic, if exotic meant not being able to carry a conversation.
“I’m heading home. I’ll see you in another year?” She brushed past me, trying to avoid touching me.
There it was. Her scent. The same scent it had been for as long as I knew her. It was flowery or maybe fruity. Raspberry and violets? I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything about fruits and flowers. What I did know was that I didn’t want her to walk away.
“Wait!” I called after her. She was halfway down the stone path from the door. Victoire turned around, blonde hair “ with a hint of red, of course “ swinging over one shoulder.
“What do you want?”
“Don’t go.”
I missed you. I didn’t say this because I knew what her answer would be -- Well, I didn’t miss you.
“You did,” she called back and kept walking.
What am I doing? I ran after her.
“Can’t we just talk?”
“What is there to talk about, Teddy? Tell me, because I’m listening. What could we possibly have to talk about?” She was looking at me, her voice raised, crying out into the December air. “I don’t even know what you’re doing here. I thought everything was pretty final when you left me.” Her voice turned into a whisper, a somber whisper that made me want to throw my arms around her.
I looked away, taking in the night air. It didn’t feel the cold; it had even stopped snowing. It just felt nice. I liked the way Victoire’s breath lingered in the air. I liked the crispness of the night. I liked how he stars gave off the perfect light for Santa. I liked standing there with Victoire, even if she was yelling.
“I never “ Nothing happened between us while we were together. I swear, I never touched her.”
Victoire closed her eyes, probably hoping for something better than that. Truth was, I was hoping for something better too.
“I know, Teddy, but what does that even matter? You and me, we dragged on too long. You said it yourself. We were burned out. And, now, we still are. It’s just over. I’m sure Harry will be happy to see you. They all miss you.”
She turned, remaining hurt filling up her eyes.
I knew she was right. I didn’t expect her to forgive me, but I thought that she might. I just wanted too much. I wanted her to remember how much she used to love me. How she wanted to marry me once. I wanted her to fall into my arms, however much of a dream that was. I guess things like that really don’t happen.
They all miss you. I remembered Victoire’s words and a smile crossed onto my face.
“There are three kids I owe a year,” I said. I had said it and Victoire reminded me. We were done. Why was I standing out here chasing her, when clearly, she didn’t want to be chased? Why, when inside were James, Al and Lily?
“They aren’t kids anymore. They weren’t kids when you left.”
I shrugged. “Guess you’re right. I dunno. I remember when James was born, so I guess he’ll always be a kid.”
Victoire smiled sympathetically, like I was living in the past and she felt sorry. That was Victoire, always knew how to be condescending.
“I don’t know about that. His girlfriend is inside. They’re in love.” She smiled at her words and I knew that they were the exact ones that came from James mouth.
“How d’you know that?”
She grinned. “He told us all. He wants to marry her.”
“James said he was in love?” I couldn’t hide my shock. She nodded, hair falling in front of her face. I wanted to tuck it behind her ear.
I let out a whistle. That was big. “What’s she like?”
“Um, pretty, smart, funny, friendly. I was surprised; she isn’t James’ type.” Victoire paused, smiling. “Actually, James isn’t her type.”
“I know what you mean. Think they’ll last?”
Victoire shrugged. I could have gone in and judged for myself, but I liked to get background, to have other’s opinions in my mind. Or maybe just Victoire’s.
“I don’t see why not. They seem happy.”
“But they’re so young. James is talking marriage.”
“They’ve been together for more than a year,” Victoire answered simply.
“How can they know what love is? And marriage? They’re eighteen.” I didn’t even know what love was. Or I couldn’t hold onto it.
“Actually, Theresa is twenty-nine.”
“What?” I stared at her, dumbstruck. Twenty-nine? She was older than me. By five years?
Victoire laughed. I still stared at her. “It was a joke.” She rolled her eyes. “Gosh, Teddy, get with it.”
“That wasn’t funny. You nearly gave me a heart-attack.”
She shrugged, not sorry at all. “You can be in love at any age. Maybe or maybe not ready for marriage. You and me…” Her face turned pink, voice fading off into a mumble.
I nodded, knowing what she was thinking. When we started going out, I was in my seventh year and she was in her fifth. She wasn’t much younger than me though, a little over a year. We were in love. And, even at that moment, years and changes later, I believed it. I believed that however young and naive we were, we did have something. I couldn’t help but think that we still did.
“Well, I’m going home,” I said, facing the white house. “Bye, Victoire.”
If she was surprised, she didn’t show it. Instead, she began walking down the driveway. Her house was just down the road from the Potters’.
And I turned and began to walk toward the house, that was, until I heard a yelp. I spun around to see Victoire lying on the ground.
“Slipped?” I asked, hardly hiding my mirth.
“Black ice.” I started to laugh as I leaned over her.
“Stop laughing!” In a swift motion, I was on the ground too. We were both laughing. She had pulled me down, but hadn’t meant for me to fall on top of her.
“You should’ve seen the look on your face,” she snorted, covering her mouth with her hand.
“Well, you should’ve seen your face when I landed on you.” I screwed up my face to imitate her. She swatted me, laughing harder.
I was lying next to her, having rolled off of her onto the cold ground. Her hair was spread around us and I was feeling oddly breathless.
“Wait, what’s that?”
“Hm?”
Her hand dug around below her and materialized some kind of cloth. I squinted at it, trying to make it out. She did the same, brushing snow off of it and examining it. “It’s a Santa hat…”
“A Santa hat? Too bad it’s not mistletoe…”
I could feel her roll her eyes.
“Wait “ ”
“There’s mistletoe inside it?” My voice was hopeful and that made me laugh.
“It’s the one you used to wear.”
And I remembered. It’s funny the small things like that you just overlook. You don’t forget, but you don’t remember. Not until something triggers it.
I wore that hat every Christmas for years. How had I had a Christmas without it? How had I lost it? I was wearing it when I realized I liked Victoire, when I first kissed her, when we first went out. So Christmas became our holiday. I still felt like it was.
“Remember when you and James charmed it onto Professor McGonagall’s head?”
I had forgotten that too.
“That was all James “ his idea, his plan. I just helped. Merlin, that was a while ago. He was in his first year.”
Both of our laughing had subsided. We just laid there, side-by-side, eyes pasted to the stars, watching our breath swirl into the night.
The night was quiet, but we could hear music coming from inside the Potters’ “ music, laughter and the occasionally chink of glasses. Those noises radiated all the warmth I needed to cover me from the wind.
I titled my head back against the ground to look at the house. The Christmas tree was blinking from the window and the fire roared up, so I could see the tips of it.
“I miss your grandma.” Victoire’s words pulled me back to her. I had forgotten she was there, as images of Harry, Ginny, James, Al, Lily, Ron, Hermione, Rose and Hugo filled my mind. I knew they were all there, and I could picture them so clearly.
I moved my head to its side so I could see her. Her eyes were closed and tears were sneaking out from under her lids.
“She loved Christmas.”
“I miss her too.”
“Oh, Teddy. What happened? I still don’t know.” Victoire wiped her eyes hastily and leaned her head against the cold ground again.
“I was an idiot. I “ After she died, you were upset. But Ana, Ana was there. We never did anything, I swear. Then you were there and you thought…all these things. It took me about a day to realize how much I fucked up. I was too afraid to go back though, because I was guilty. I thought I loved her. So I got transferred and didn’t look back. I should have looked back.”
Did those words make sense to anyone but him?
“Do you still think about her?” Victoire asked suddenly.
“Sometimes.” I wasn’t going to lie. But it wasn’t like I thought about her because I loved her. I didn’t love her. I thought about her in relation to Victoire. “I think about you more, though.”
“Am I the back up?” Her voice was strangled.
“What are you talking about?”
“Is that how you think of me? You couldn’t have your beautiful Ana, so you come back to me because I’m comfortable? I’m satisfactory, right? You know you’ve always had me, so you think you can just come in and out, leave me when you feel like it? You come back here after a year and tell me you still think about the girl you left me for “ but you love me? Is it that you love me or you know that I love you?”
“I don’t “ I don’t know.”
“You know, there are a lot of people out there who think that I’m beautiful. People think that I’m worth something too. When we were together, men hit on me all the time. They thought that I was something.”
I sighed. Hearing it all out loud hurt twice as much. It was exactly what Aaron, one of my friends, had said. When I described Ana to him, he had said that all of the words fit Victoire and then some. He said that Victoire was the prettiest woman he had ever seen. He was right. Against Ana, Victoire won hands down.
I didn’t know what to say. So I just leaned in and kissed her. She didn’t fight me, like I expected her to. She just kissed me back.
And when I broke away, I felt a fire burn deep inside.
It’s worth fighting for, a voice whispered in my head.
“We were together for a long time, and I guess it had gotten to the point where I thought the flame had burned out. I did think of you second to Ana. But do I now? No. In fact, you’re the only girl in the world right now. Yes, I’m comfortable with you. But at the same time, I’m not, because when you look at me like that, my heart starts to race. I can’t breathe.” I didn’t know where these words were coming from. They were pouring out of me, sharing every secret. But I kept talking, afraid I’d forget to say something.
“And if I know anything, I know you’re beautiful. When you were still in school and we were together, I was scared shitless everyday. I thought that some better guy would sweep you off your feet. Every time I saw you that year, I was surprised at how happy you were to see me. I was surprised you didn’t tell me we were through.
“When I decided to come back, it was for Christmas. I didn’t expect you to take me back; I didn’t even know if I was going to see you. But I made a vow that if you ever did let me back in, I’d take a vow. I’m not planning to come in and out of your life. That’d kill me more than it would you.”
Victoire stared at me, mouth half open. She didn’t say anything. Instead, she carefully pushed her way off the ground. She hovered over me for a second before putting her hand out.
Relieved, I took it and she helped me up.
“Is that all true?” she asked, as if she was considering.
I nodded.
“Come on.” She took my hand. It fit, like it always did. We treaded lightly over the ice, taking baby steps. When one of us slipped a little, we grasped onto each other. It felt right. We were starting out slowly, holding on. We were going to relearn each other, and I was okay with that. I was overjoyed with that.
“Did you hear that?” I paused, going completely still. She stopped too, closing her eyes and listening.
It was sleigh bells tinkling through the night.
“Sounds like your grandmother,” Victoire said, her voice happy and serene.
“It does.”
She leaned into me, laughing as she pulled the Santa hat over my head. I laughed too.
A wave of heat blasted into our face as we walked into the house.
Heat, warmth, love, family, what’s the difference? I asked myself as Ginny hugged me, as Harry grinned at me, declaring that my arrival was the best present ever, as James introduced his girlfriend, beaming at her, as Lily pointed out the mistletoe and Victoire kissed me.
Sleigh Bells by KASK
Chapter Notes: I take no credit for JK Rowling's work. It's all hers. :)
And thank you to my Beta, Melissa (solemnlyswear_x). You've Beta'd so much for me, I owe you a ton!