Of remembering those who’ve left this life,
But grief is not a merry thing,
So I come to you a wassailing.
I bring my ghostly carol forth,
To prove that Christmas is really worth,
The stress and love and memory,
Of what has been and what is to be,
And when it’s come, believe that it’s true,
I’m always watching over you.
I took one look at their still silent bodies and my whole world came crashing down right before my eyes.
Not them. Anyone but them. They were so young “ so happy.
The tears fell fast and freely down the front of my black dress, as I stood beside the twin caskets at their funeral. The funeral that should have been decades in the future. I was alone. No one was left to love. I had wasted too much of my time loving, and look where it had gotten me. I felt such a hollow in my chest that I was convinced if anyone dared to knock on it, it would ring and echo for miles. My heart had turned to stone. My husband, my son-in-law, my daughter “ who would be taken away from me next?
They’re smiling “ and they will be for all eternity. I can’t bear to look at them “ I can’t.
It was hard enough dealing with my husband’s premature death. It wasn’t fair that he had to go “ it never is. Death is as flighty and unpredictable as the wind “ the one thing that everyone can rely on. And up until now, the one thing that Voldemort could guarantee. Voldemort had decided all of our fates whether we were ready to go or not.
I couldn’t imagine my life without any of them, and now that they were gone I found myself wishing I had said more to them. An “I Love You” once in a while, or maybe a hug. I missed my husband’s jokes and I missed my daughter’s smile. Admittedly, I did not think Remus suitable at first “ I mean, he was a werewolf “ but his personality was so infectious. He was always willing to help me, and he was extraordinarily kind.
I stood up at the front of that room in my pressed, black dress bitterly wishing I was lying peacefully in a coffin next to them. The people proceeded past, occasionally acknowledging me, or offering their sympathy. Sympathy that wasn’t really welcome. Some of them had never said so much as a “Hello” to me, so why did I need them there; offering their cold hands and putting on their fake solemn faces. The steady hum of voices droned on in my head, making me feel faint. I clutched a chair, waiting for the spell to overcome me. A small cry from the front row of seats shocked the steady whirr in my ears.
Little Teddy. How could I have forgotten?
That little cry burst forth like the first hints of spring after a long, dead winter. I looked at his serene little face, tightly bundled in his blankets, as his caretaker attempted to keep him quiet.
It’s like he knows. He knows he is here to say goodbye to his parents.
I remembered the delicious moment when they first placed Teddy into his mother’s waiting arms. His eyes were tightly squeezed shut, but when he felt the warm skin of his mother’s hands, his bright little eyes opened wide, and he gave a gummy smile, his small tuft of hair changing from black to auburn.
I remembered how we had all giggled delightedly at him, saying how much he looked like a grinning, fuzzy teddy bear. The name stuck.
A solitary tear found its way out of the corner of my eye. I was tired. Tired of crying, tired of grieving, tired of everyone looking at me with that same grave look. Worse yet, it had started to rain. Rain always had the tendency of making everything look grey and mottled “ dead and forgotten.
The war had made me a widow, and had taken my only daughter. But I still had that little boy.
The last dregs of fall had left the world feeling cold, and empty. The dead leaves rattled around my ankles when I went walking, and a bitter wind whipped around my neck making a perpetual buzzing noise in my ears.
That is all I hear these days “ a muffled blur of the world around me. Time is moving so fast. Has it really been six months since my daughter passed? Teddy is starting to crawl now. He giggles when he scampers out of my reach, his hair changing colors in the reflected sunlight. It makes me proud that he inherited some of my daughter’s talent. He’s as loving and sweet as his father too. Every night I tuck him in to sleep and every night he nuzzles his little cheek into the crook of my neck, tugging at my sleeves with his small fists.
The first snow of the season came last night. Teddy’s face lit up as he looked through the window at the glittering ground. It is strange “ sometimes when he looks at me, I swear I am looking into my daughter’s eyes.
She was so full of life “ why did she have to leave me so soon? Why did she have to leave Teddy “ the son she barely got to know?
Christmas is coming in little less than a week. I took Teddy to his first ever encounter with the Muggle Santa Claus. He cried a lot when I put him into the red-faced man’s lap, which caused several people to stare or stop what they were doing. Looking rather hassled, the man dumped the little guy back into my arms, muttering something about “snot-nosed kids” before putting up a warped “Back in Five Minutes” sign.
I magicked a live tree into our living room, and I had a wonderful time decorating it with Teddy. He kept trying to eat the garland, but it was memorable none the less. When I put the first present under the tree, he clapped his hands and squealed at the pretty ribbon.
Seeing him so happy made me wonder if he would have been this happy with his Mum and Dad.
Of course he would have “ they are his parents after all. But he never knew his parents “ they died when he was a newborn “ how could he possibly remember?
A battle was raging inside my head. I wanted to believe that some part of him would remember, but could I remember my own self at his age? Surely not. Other times I see him point to the sole picture I have of his parents together and coo, drool slowly sliding down his chin. Tell me he doesn’t remember them, and then I may believe it.
Before I had time to relax, Christmas Eve had come, and the streets were alight with carolers and holiday cheer. I wanted to make the night special for Teddy, seeing as it was his first Christmas, but at the same time my heart seemed to beat less and less strongly.
I feel such a weight; I fear my heart will burst. Who will be left to care for Teddy if I’m gone?
The sorrow I felt for my loss was more than I could possibly bear. My family had died and there was nothing I could do to bring them back. I was alone.
A sharp tug on my sleeve brought me out of my reverie. Teddy was looking up at me “ an innocent smile on his face. I cradled him in my arms, burrowing my nose into his feathery hair, as I did every night before I tucked him into bed. The soft rhythmic beating of his heart against mine was oddly soothing.
Our Christmas tree glittered serenely in the corner of the room, twinkling as though it were a friendly guide there to protect us. The fire burned warmly in the grate, casting shadows on the stockings we had hung above it. The snow was falling thick and fast outside. As I gazed out into that breathless night, a frost seemed to come onto the window. I saw the faces of my daughter and son-in-law etched in the glass, and they were smiling. Somehow I knew they had come to me to tell me that they were okay “ that they had reached that final destination that every wizard hopes to reach.
I see you, dear. Mum sees you. I assured my daughter as she winked at me. I turned my gaze towards Teddy who was sleeping contentedly in my arms. I smiled at him, turning my gaze back towards the window, but they had gone.
In that brief moment I realized something that had been previously unknown to me. And that was that I wasn’t truly alone. I still had Teddy, and that little boy that was sleeping so peacefully in my arms was the link to my lost past. That link was all I needed to continue soldiering on. My family was watching over me in everything that I did and that would have to be enough.
It didn’t matter anymore what it was that I lost. I couldn’t bring back his parents, but I could give him the same love and care that they would have bestowed on him indefinitely.
Teddy and I could hold on to each other “ and remember.