It’s been three years.
Every day I am thankful that I have Teddy. Unfortunately, my hair is steadily growing gray and I am not as quick on my feet as I used to be. The arthritis in my hip keeps acting up, and it is hard for me to keep up with a toddler.
With Nymphadora it was no problem. I could simply ask Ted to chase after her. They were better friends anyway. She didn’t care for my sisters (nor did I, now that I think of it) and I must say that kind of put a damper on our relationship “ especially during family gatherings “ but that doesn’t mean I loved my daughter any less or that she didn’t care for me.
Nymphadora was a bit of a rebellious youth, but not very crafty. Every time she would try to sneak out to meet her friends she’d always knock something over and I’d catch her. Needless to say she grew out of that phase. But Teddy seems to have inherited it.
He’s a devilish little chap, very tricky, just like his mother. Just the other day he ran off with my wand and insisted that he wouldn’t give it back until I said hello to “Wiggins” (Wiggins, apparently, is his imaginary friend), whereupon he would throw his little head back into a fit of giggles. He is so sincere too just like his father “ he is always picking daisies out of the garden for me.
Fall came all too quickly this year, but Teddy and I still had one last hurrah before the first frost when we magicked the leaves into one huge pile for jumping. Every day we watched from the window as the wind grew colder, and swept the leaves away gradually.
This winter was bitter cold, and the fierce wind made a constant whining noise through the dead tree branches “ a mournful cry in the dead of night. Even the carolers decided not to sing this year and the absence of their cheerful voices only added to the miserable winter.
Three years “ how could the time fly so fast? I can still hear their voices; still smell their scent on the air. I can even hear their laughter, which should have been filling the house.
Even after three years I could feel a hint of my bitterness. Even though Voldemort was dead and gone, it still wasn’t enough for me. It would never be enough. He had taken everything from me “ my family, my life, everything I held dear. Teddy had helped ease my pain a great deal, but there was only so much a little boy could do.
I can remember the first night I told him about his parents. He is a clever boy, just like his father and grandfather, and he couldn’t help but notice how other kids had a “Mummy and Daddy”.
“Where’s my Mummy and Daddy, Nana?”
“They’ve gone on a trip, sweetie, a long trip that no one ever comes back from.”
“Why? Why would they go and leave me?”
I paused a moment, choosing my words carefully. Three years old is far too young to know the horrible truth, “They left you behind because they knew your Nana would take care of you. And I have, haven’t I Teddy?”
“Yes, Nana!” He cried then, wrapping his little hands around my neck, “I am glad you did not go on the trip!”
I smiled, but inside my stomach was churning. I should have gone with them. I should not be here with their son when they cannot be “ it isn’t fair.
Like in years past, the snow had chosen to fall fast and thick, making everything look as though a fluffy white blanket had been thrown overtop to keep the earth warm. Teddy and I had baked gingerbread cookies earlier in the day and the sweet cinnamon scent still wafted in the rafters. Everything was as pristine as it possibly could be. Magical, I thought, grinning sardonically.
I wanted to forever scorn my world and live life as a Muggle. Ted wasn’t a stranger to it “ after all, he had grown up one. I knew the ways, but I didn’t want Teddy to forget who he really was. He was a wizard and there was no hiding from it. He was already beginning to display little bursts of magical ability. I saw what seclusion had done to young Potter all those years ago and I didn’t want the same thing for my grandson.
Son, Andromeda. A nasty voice echoed in my head. He is your son, now. He has no parents, remember?
I pushed the thought from my mind, and turned instead to the little boy now clinging to my leg and begging me to let him ride his new toy broomstick. He insisted on learning how to fly right then and there, but I urged him to wait until “Uncle Harry” could show him properly. I couldn’t help but feel a protective nature bubbling up inside me.
I forgot what it was like, I thought momentarily, what it was like to raise a child.
I didn’t want to be bitter “ honestly, I didn’t “ not for Teddy. It was the Christmas season; a time that was supposed to be happy and beautiful and spent with family. The holidays were always the most painful to me, because I could not forget the ones that I most missed. There was still an empty hollow in my heart, and that could never again be filled, no matter how hard I tried. I knew my daughter, Remus, and my husband were up there, and they were happy, but I was still miserable.
I had to put on a fake mask of happiness for Teddy every time he was around and it was taking its toll on me. When will this end? Can I ever forget? No, but I can still remember. I can still remember the good times, the happy times that ended so soon.
Everything was so frustrating to me. I couldn’t stand it. I felt such pent-up anger, like I was ready to lash out and destroy anything and everything in my path. I didn’t want Teddy to be in the line of fire “ I couldn’t let him be the brunt of my rage. I needed consolation “ but who was left to offer it to me?
The gravesite. How could I have forgotten? I hadn’t been there since they were committed to the ground. Hell, Teddy had been just a newborn then. I took one look at the window, which was strewn thick with snow. Could we make it there in this weather? No, not tonight. I’ll wait until morning. Christmas morning. I fell into a fitful, restless sleep.
“Nana! Nana “ it’s Christmas!” Teddy was jumping on my bed, his face alight with glee.
“You’re right, dear, it is Christmas.” I replied groggily.
I had been having such a lovely dream. My daughter and son-in-law were holding hands and walking through the park, my husband and I behind them. I laid my head on my husband’s shoulder, exclaiming how much of a “lovely couple” they were. My daughter turned around to smile at me “ and then all went dark and I was awake.
I got up grudgingly, but Teddy was happy all the same. We made hot cocoa, and sugar cookies, and then opened the colorful gifts under the tree. He squealed with delight when he got the new play potions kit he had wanted, and even more so when he opened up a real moving model of Hogwarts.
The time drew near for us to make our way to the cemetery. I got a nervous, excited feeling that I couldn’t explain. I didn’t know why a trip to the graveyard would suddenly make me feel anxiously pleased inside. Maybe it was the hope that I could be close to my daughter again “ that she would be able to hear my voice and feel my presence.
”Teddy,” I said calmly, “We’re going to go some place very special. We’re going to see something that your parents left for you.”
“For me? Like a Christmas present?” He asked innocently, grabbing his little coat from the rack, and shoving on his snow boots.
“Exactly, sweetheart. Let’s hurry so we can get back and warm our feet “ it’s cold out there.”
The wrought-iron fence was covered in dead, snow-covered ivy, its gnarled, twisted branches forming a blanket the entire length of the fence.
The snow was untouched, the tombstones peeking out from under their snowy caps, as we wound our way through. I remembered the place well, even though I’d only been there once before and swore then that I would never return.
The grave was pitiful to me, unkempt and untouched for years. People were supposed to visit their family’s graves “ it was normal. Flowers and wreaths and little mementos were always brought.
I never did. I never brought anything to them. How could I be so selfish? All this time they were here and I never once came to see them, to talk, to tell them what was new. What was new? My life hasn’t been anything like it was three years ago.
I took Teddy’s hand and led him over to the tombstone. He wasn’t a stupid boy “ he knew exactly what was before him.
“Why did we come here, Nana? Did someone die? What did Mum and Dad leave for me?”
“Yes, dear, someone did die “ but now is not the time. Your Mummy and Daddy left a “ a postcard of sorts “ for you. They want you to know that they are okay, and someday soon, they will come for you.”
“Oh.”
I heard the disappointment in his voice. I still felt confident that he didn’t know the complete truth about his parents, but I also knew the day wouldn’t be far off when he would finally ask me about it “ and I dreaded when that day would come.
I laid a bouquet of late winter flowers at the base, along with a letter that Teddy and I wrote together. I told him to run off and play for a while, and leave me to think.
I turned first to my son-in-law’s name.
Remus, I know I never treated you exactly how I should have when you were alive, but know that I really did think you right for Nymphadora in the end. You would have made an excellent father and you would be so proud at how much Teddy looks, and acts like you. Know I’m here, and I look for your guidance “ I need all of you.
Next, I glanced at my husband’s name, a lump forming in my throat.
Sweetheart, I’m here. Our time spent together was brief “ all too brief, but well worth it. No one could have been as happy as we were, and I’m so proud that I can say my husband died defending us all. The house is lonely without you “ I’m never going to be used to it “ but I will make sure and tell Teddy what a wonderful grandfather he had, and how much he loved him. It’s hard for me, really hard, to be here. I’ve been trying to hold my head up as high as I can, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep that up. I need you here with me, but since I can’t have that one Christmas wish, I’ll just have to remember you as you were. Goodbye, love.
The last name brought a deep, guttural sob out of my throat. My cheeks burned against the cold as I gazed upon my daughter’s name “ my only child.
Dora, I know how you hate Nymphadora, I’m here to say I’m sorry. I know I wasn’t the world’s greatest Mum to you, but I loved you more than anything. You were my first and only daughter and there is something special that comes with that. Although I may not have told you all the time, you made me proud with everything you did. Your father and I couldn’t have been happier when you joined the Aurors, even though we knew that you were putting your life in danger. You always were willing to risk everything to help others “ it was probably your best feature. Teddy remembers you both, mostly through what I tell them, and he sends his love. I’m trying Dora, I really am, to raise him as close to how you would have as possible, but I can’t help but think that one of these days he is going to leave me too. I can’t become you Dora. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you “ how could I not? I guess I just want the past too much “ all I want is for everything to be how it was again, but I know that it is selfish of me to think in such a way. Show me that you’re still around, Dora, and maybe I will be able to move on. I’m here if you need anything.
I called Teddy over to me, hurriedly drying my eyes, and we headed home without even a backward glance. The house was warm and inviting and I sank into an armchair immediately. Our excursion had been draining, to say the least, but I felt an odd sense of comfort to have confessed everything that had been pressing on me lately.
I was just beginning to doze off when I heard a soft knocking at the door.
Who the devil would be calling at this hour? On Christmas Day at that.
I padded over to the door and opened it up a crack. I nearly fainted onto the rug. My husband, daughter, and son-in-law were gathered on the threshold.