Under any other circumstances, it would have been a beautiful day.
Ron Weasley sat, absently plucking fistfuls of grass from the ground next to the lake, the minutes bleeding into one another until time became lost.
He wondered if anyone”well, he wasn’t going to kid himself; if she”noticed that he was gone. When he had woken up hours before anyone else, his instinct was to find somewhere to be on his own, and he had sought out the shore of the lake before anyone could see him go. He didn’t quite understand his sudden craving for solitude, he had certainly had his fill of that in his time away from Harry and Hermione months earlier; but at the same time, he wasn’t sure if he could handle any company.
He quickly glanced up at the castle; trying to make out whether or not breakfast was going on in the Great Hall, but it was too far away to tell. Sighing, he focused his gaze on the lake, staring until all he could see was an endless sea of blue and green.
He tried to tell himself that the tears were from the glare of the sun on the silent water. He stared at it until his eyes burned”justification for his pain.
It seemed impossible, in a way. Twenty-four hours earlier, he had been on the run, starving and cold without any sort of plan. Voldemort had been an imminent threat. Snape had been the enemy. Fred had been alive. The very thought hadn’t been able to register until now. Things had been moving so fast”too fast”and all he had been able to think was ‘keep going’.
But now, with the sun slowly creeping up past the horizon, the trees swaying gently in the wind, the birds singing their repentant songs, time seemed to be moving too slowly. A part of him wanted a Death Eater to silently sneak up beside him, another Horcrux to be discovered, another battle to be fought. All those months, wishing for it all to be over, and now that it was, he didn’t think he could handle the price.
It wasn’t supposed to end this way.
He knew that it was foolish. He knew the severity of their danger; he knew what he had signed up for, months, years ago. He realised that what was shocking him wasn’t the fact that lives had been lost. He had always known it was going to come to this. But in the back of his mind, he had always thought that, if anyone, it would be him. Not his friends, not his family. Not Fred.
He didn’t need to turn to find out who it was when he heard the soft footsteps from behind him. “Hi,” he whispered, turning his face away so she couldn’t see the tears as she sat down beside him.
“Hi,” Hermione answered. Ron refused to look at her even when he felt her shoulder brush lightly against his. “Have you been out here all morning?”
He nodded. “I just needed some time, you know.”
“I can go if you like,” she offered.
“No.” The word was harsher than he had intended, but she seemed to understand. He absently searched for her hand, entwining her fingers in his, his gaze not leaving the lake.
“It’s pretty out here,” she whispered. “It reminds me of all those times when we’d sit out here after you and Harry were done copying my homework.” She laughed nervously, and it was that sound if anything that broke him. He sighed, and he could feel her eyes searching him. “It’s hard to believe, isn’t it?”
Her words could have been taken a number of ways, and if it were anyone else, he would have been sure that they meant the end of the war; the beginning of their so-called happiness. But it was Hermione, and Hermione had always been able to understand. He merely nodded. “You know, I can’t even remember the last time I told him… that I cared.” Until the words were spoken, he hadn’t known that they were what had been bothering him the most.
“Don’t talk like that,” Hermione answered quickly, and he could feel her shaking her head next to him. He could hear the tears in her voice. He made to turn and comfort her, but stopped himself, unsure of how he could fix someone when he couldn’t even fix himself. He sighed again.
“I can’t help it. It seems unfair, that I get to be sitting here, and he””
“”Would want you to be happy,” she suggested, but Ron shook his head.
“I”I wasn’t able to save him,” he whispered, and then in a voice so small that he wondered for a moment if he had spoken at all, “What if I can’t save you?”
She turned her face toward the sky, not blinking as the sun stared back, unforgiving. “What makes you think I need saving?”
He turned toward her for the first time, searching her brown eyes, willing her to understand, but she continued to look away. “You deserve so much better than me.”
She turned away from the sun, and their eyes met for the first time, the unmistaken ardour in hers reflected clearly in the early light. “That’s not true.”
“How can you be so sure? You… you’re perfect. You stayed with Harry until the end.” When she didn’t respond, he continued, “I’ve always admired you, and here I am, too scared to say anything, ready to watch you be with some other bloke because I had too much damn pride to do anything about it. And after watching me screw up a thousand times, here you are. There’s… there’s nothing special about me. Next to Harry, and Fred, and everyone else… I’m not the one to admire. I never have been.”
Hermione raised her eyebrows, staring at him until he felt the colour rise to his face and forced himself to look away. “Ron, we’ve all messed up. I’m not perfect. Neither are you, but I don’t care.” She paused. “You couldn’t have done anything for Fred.”
Feeling the tears forming in the corners of his eyes, he simply nodded.
“You were a wonderful brother, and friend, and… whatever we are now. If you want to wait, I can do that. I just need you to know that I care about you. I always will.”
For the first time all morning, Ron allowed himself to smile. “As a matter of fact, I think we’ve taken enough time already.”
Hermione grinned. “I agree. And just so you know,” she whispered, resting her head on his shoulder, “you were wrong. It’s always been you that I’ve admired.”
And without thinking twice, Ron smiled, realising how easy it was for him to believe her.
Admiration by lily_evans34
Chapter Notes: Short, sweet and unbeta'd. Blame me for any typos/other errors, grammatical or not.
I tried to incorporate all of the lyrics to Incubus’ song Admiration, but if you saw the attempts I think you’d agree in that it just wasn't happening. That being said, feel free to google them if you're interested in this fic's source of inspiration.
It’s you I admire. My living example.
For my Suya.
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