1. No One Mourns The Wicked
(Everyone is gathered around in the Great Hall directly after the death of Lord Voldemort, barely able to comprehend what has just happened.)
All:
Good news! He’s dead!
Yes, Lord Voldemort is dead!
The wickedest git there ever was
Will trouble us no more here because
He’s dead! Good news! Good news!
Kingsley:
Fellow Order members”
Let us be glad
Let us be grateful
Let’s party hardy now since goodness could subdue
The wicked workings of You Know Who!
Isn’t it nice to know that good will conquer evil
The truth we all believe’ll by and by
Outlive a lie
Like Fawkes’s cry…
Neville:
No one mourns the wicked
And this time, he won’t return!
McGonagall:
He sent James and Lily to their graves!
Lucius and Narcissa:
We should’ve scorned the wicked!
Too bad our son didn’t learn
Not to trust the bad advice we gave.
Harry:
And goodness knows, his life was dark and lonely
Goodness knows, Tom Riddle died alone
It just shows, when you’re wicked, you’re left only on your own
All:
Yes, goodness knows, his life was dark and lonely
Goodness knows, Tom Riddle died alone
I suppose, when you’re wicked, your own life is all you own.
Harry:
But are people born wicked or do they have wickedness thrust upon them? After all, he had a father. He had a mother… as most people do.
Tom Sr.:
How I hate to go and leave you lonely
Cecilia:
That’s alright, it’s only just one night.
Tom Sr.:
But know that you’re here in my heart when I’m out of your sight.
Harry:
And like every family, they had their secrets…
Merope:
Have another drink, you must be tired
Riding up and down along the town
So have yourself another glass of water
Tom Sr:
Suddenly you look a whole lot hotter…
Merope:
Have another little swallow, Tommy dearest
And follow me dowwwwn.
Harry:
And so, neither he nor his mother ever really knew real love…
Merope: (Frantically pouring Amortentia down the kitchen sink drain)
He doesn’t need it, not now
Not since he made me a wedding vow
He’s mine for sure
He loves me, too
He’s my darling, handsome, lovely, gorgeous…
Tom: (Blinking)
YOU!
What does it mean… how can it be?
All of these months, I didn’t see!
You’re disgusting, you’re repulsive
You put some weird enchantment thing on me!
(Merope sobs)
Tom:
Get away.
Merope:
No!
Tom:
GET. AWAY.
Harry:
So you see, it couldn’t have been easy growing up on his own!
All:
No one mourns the wicked!
Now at last he’s dead and gone!
Now at last there’s joy throughout the land…
And goodness knows, we know what goodness is!
Goodness knows, Tom Riddle died alone.
Harry:
He died alone!
All:
But of course, we knew that someday soon, he’d get pwned!
No one mourns the wicked
Harry:
Good news!
All:
No one mourns the wicked
Harry:
Good news!
All:
No one mourns the wicked! Wicked!
(As everyone settles down, some reporter for the Daily Prophet runs out of the crowd.)
Reporter:
Harry”is it true you were his Horcrux?
Harry:
Uh… sadly, yeah. But I certainly wasn’t his first. It all started back when he was in school!
2. Dear Hogwarts (Dear Old Shiz)
(Dumbledore is informing Tom about the exciting learning opportunities at Hogwarts.)
Dumbledore:
At Hogwarts, you’ll cast spells all day
And you’ll learn to play broomstick sports.
We’ll fill your head with intr’esting stuff
Since it’s bare and full of air, flies, and fluff.
Tom, come join us at Hogwarts
At dear hoggy, warty, Ho-o-o-o-o-o-ogwarts!
3. A Wizard Like Me (The Wizard and I)
Tom:
Many years, I have waited
For a chance like this to appear
Why I predict, I’ll be a great wizard
By the end of the year!
They’ll bow in fear!
I’ll be a world-famous wizard
I’ll be the best, Merlin’s pants!
With the power I’ll have, there will be
A definite chance
If I work with all my might…
I’ll be dynamite!
Did that really just happen?
Do I actually understand?
This weird quirk I’ve tried to suppress or hide
Is a talent… that can
Put the world inside the palm of my hand
At my command…
Once I am a wizard
Once I’ve proved my skill
Then I’ll be immortal
Someone they can never kill!
And with all my newfound power
I’ll be more than just an orphan.
After all, the wizards aren’t dumb!
Well, except my uncle Morfin…
Oh, they’ll say to me, we see who you reall are
You’re going to make history
‘Cause I’m just what they’ll need,
A wizard like me.
Once I am a wizard
My whole life will change
‘Cos at a school for wizards
No one thinks you’re strange!
No one will tiptoe around you
No one leaves you out of games
And everyone has to love you
Or by your magic, they’ll be maimed!
With this power to hurt
And make things die
Maybe at last I will see
The things that I can be
A wizard like me…
And one day, I’ll look at myself and think,
My skills are just so superior.
Shouldn’t a man unlike anyone else
Have a matching exterior?
And since folks here to an absurd degree
Can’t take a pretty boy seriously
I’ll have to make the decision
To change past recognition…
And of course, that’s not important to me
Who cares if I’m not sexy?
They’ll jump at each decree
From wizards like me!
That’s what I’m going to be,
A wizard like me!
Unlimited… my future is unlimited…
And I’ve just had a vision almost like a prophecy.
I know…
It sounds truly crazy
And true, the vision’s hazy
But I swear, someday there’ll be
A musical on MuggleNet that’s all to do with me!
And I’ll stand there, a proud wizard
Where they’ll all look up to me.
And though I’d never show it
I’d be so pleased, I could go… SQUEEE!
And so it will be for the rest of my life
Which will last all through eternity!
Held in such high esteem
When people see me, they will scream
At my wand’s malignant beam…
A wizard”that’s me!
4. What Is This Feeling
(Tom is looking for a scapegoat for his evil plan for school domination, and he finds one, all right.)
Tom:
My dear diary of questionable origin…
Hagrid:
Dear Dad…
Both:
There’s a little problem that I’ve got here at Hogwarts
Hagrid:
Though I’m caring for my spidie
Tom:
Though I’m taking care of business
Both:
For I know that I can’t dwell on what I’ve seen, no.
An alarming person nearly made me mess my shorts… He’s”
Tom:
A stupid, oafish boy with absolutely no grasp of grammar and a giant for a mum!
Hagrid:
Mean!
Tom:
What is this feeling, so sudden and new?
This feeling that I should blame stuff on you?
Hagrid:
My pulse is rushing
Tom:
My head is reeling
Hagrid:
My face is flushing…
Both:
What is this feeling?
Fervent as a flame
Does it have a name?
Yes…
LOATHING. Unadulterated loathing!
Tom:
For your size, your smell, your clothing!
Both:
Let’s just say… I loathe it all.
Every little trait, no matter what
Makes me want to vomit up my gut
With simple, utter loathing
There’s a strange exhilaration
In such total detestation…
It frees the mind!
Though I do admit, it came on quick
There’s no doubt you’ll always make me sick
And I’ll keep on loathing, loathing you…
Tom:
And all your kind!
Death Eaters:
Wow, Tom Riddle, you are, like, the man!
How do you stand him? I don’t think I can.
He’s a freak, an aberration
And you know he’ll always stick out
Let’s cause him humiliation!
Tom:
Ooh, let’s have him framed and kicked out!
Death Eaters:
Great idea, Tom, be our guide
Plot out a scheme for mass homicide
And then we blame Hagrid
He’ll be mortified!
We share your loathing
Tom and Hagrid:
What is this feeling, so sudden and new?
Death Eaters:
Unadulterated loathing
Tom and Hagrid:
You’ll always hate me, I’ll always hate you,
Death Eaters:
For his size, his smell, his clothing
Tom and Hagrid:
My pulse is rushing
My head is reeling…
Death Eaters:
Let’s just say… we loathe it all!
Tom and Hagrid:
Oh, what is this feeling?
Death Eaters (Tom and Hagrid in parentheses):
Every little trait that he displays (Does it have a name?)
Makes us sure we’ll hate him all his days (Yes, ohhhh…)
Loathing (Loathing)
There’s a strange exhilaration (loathing)
In such total detestation (loathing)
It frees the mind (We find)
Though I do admit, it came on quick
There’s no doubt you’ll always make me sick
And I will loathing, for forever, loathing
Truly, deeply loathing
Loathing you…
Death Eaters:
And all your kind!
Aragog:
Boo!
Death Eaters:
Aggh!
5. Something Bad
(Tom has asked Slughorn about Horcruxes. Bad things have been beginning to happen at Hogwarts, but Slughorn is still pretty dumb.)
Slughorn:
Oh, Tom, Horcruxes are things of which we don’t dare speak. Dreadful things…
I’ve heard of a spell
I don’t know it well
A spell used to break up the soul.
Of course, it’s then no longer whole.
Put the fragments into things…
Tom:
Like diaries and cups and rings?
Slughorn:
They should do the trick…
Though the thought makes me sick!
Only hypothetical, of course
But not something I can endorse.
Something bad could happen at Hogwarts.
Tom:
Something bad, happen at Hogwarts?
Slughorn:
Yes, I can feel it, behind the scenes
Something bad… very bad.
Tom:
Professor Slughorn, if you think something bad’s going to happen soon, you should get some really reliable prefects to walk around after hours and try to catch whatever evil person is behind all of this.
So nothing bad…
Slughorn:
I hope you’re right.
Nothing all that bad.
Tom:
Nothing truly bad…
(His eyes glow red)
Very bad.
(He walks away, singing to himself)
It’s going to happen at Hogwarts….
6. Dancing With Death (Dancing Through Life)
(The Chamber of Secrets has been opened and Tom is having the time of his life.)
Tom:
The trouble with schools is, they always try to teach the wrong lesson.
Believe me, I’m all powerful, I should know.
They say to be meek and gentle… they’re mental!
‘Cos I must make a confession.
Causing pain and strife is really what gets you somewhere in life!
Dancing with death
Killing the students
Cursing when backs are turned…
Student:
That’s immoral!
Tom:
Please don’t quarrel…
Or you’ll die next
I’d have thought you’d learned
Dancing with death
No room for mistakes
When I have giant snakes on command.
Why should I care
When I am Slytherin’s heir?
Your life’s in the palm of my hand…
Dancing with death
Learning dark secrets
While still a Prefect here at school!
I’ll go deluxe
Make a Horcrux…
I’ll never die,
Death’s for the foolish.
Dancing with death
Ruthless and soulless!
Life that is goalless is blind and deaf!
Schemes are brewing
Woe ensuing
When I’m dancing with death!
(At the Gaunts’ house)
Tom:
Soooo… which way to the Riddle House?
Morfin:
Ooh, ar, over there somewhere…
Tom:
(Knocking him out and stealing the ring) Sounds perfect!
(He bursts into the Riddle House, startling the family.)
Tom:
Hello, dad, I’m Tom Riddle Junior!
It’s nice to meet you at last.
I think we’ll have a blast!
But unfortunately
Literally...
Step right up, Grandma, Grandpa Riddle
Come on, look at me.
It’s my invitation for…
Dancing with death
Quenching my bloodlust
If only because dust is all they’ll come to!
They don’t matter
And knowing no one matters
It’s just life
So I’ll end theirs, too.
See this tragically beautiful boy
Who’s been left by his dad?
Such things make a lad sad
Or start some killing spree…
Yes, Daddy.
Gee, I know nice boys should say politely,
“Father, you made me sad.”
I’m not a nice boy, dad.
(He kills the Riddles)
That’s what you get for messing with me…
(Tom is jauntily walking back from the Riddles’ and comes across a huge snake)
Tom:
So, you want a job as an evil familiar and possible Horcrux?
After all…
Now that we’ve met one another
It’s clear we deserve each other!
I’m perfect
Nagini:
I’m perfect!
Both:
So we’re perfect together!
Tom:
You’re my Horcrux, so forever
We’ll dance with death!
(Tom applies for a job at Borgin and Burkes’.)
Burke:
Finally, we see
A good potential employee
In this young Riddle boy
Who just walked in the store.
Borgin:
He has charm and wit and grace
But there’s something in his face
That’s not quite right…
Burke:
Think of the store!
Look, they deserve each other, this boy, this job
A dream come true!
They deserve each other, hire Tom.
Borgin:
(Sighing) Mr. Riddle, you have got the job.
Tom:
Thank you…
(At Hepzibah Smith’s.)
Hepzibah:
Ah, Mr. Riddle, I was just talking about you.
Tom:
And I was just thinking about you. I thought you might have something you’d like to show me tonight?
Hepzibah:
(Getting out her box of heirlooms.)
They’re really quite nice, don’t you think?
Though I’d prefer if they were pink.
Tom, we deserve each other.
You and me both, we have great taste!
We deserve each other
Don’t let
Such great potential go to waste!
(Tom edges slowly away from the creepy old lady and possible pedophile.)
Tom:
Mrs. Smith?
Hepzibah:
Yes?
Tom:
Hepzibah, I really have to leave because, uh
There’s some errands I must run for Burke tonight.
Now, I know it isn’t fair…
Hepzibah:
That’s all right, you’re a busy man.
And when you’ve got time to spare
You’ll come visit again.
Well, isn’t that right?
Tom:
Um.. suuure.
(To himself)
The chain”the cup”so beautiful!
Hepzibah:
Oh Tom, I think you’re wonderful!
Tom:
(Not paying any attention to Mrs. Smith; he only has eyes for her things.)
And we deserve each other
Why should she have things so fine?
We deserve each other… Someday soon
I will make them mine.
Yes! All miiiiine!
(He poisons Hepzibah.)
Tom:
Dancing with death
Quenching my bloodlust
She’s gone back to dust and breathed her last breath!
Will unbending
My life is never ending
While I dance with death!
7. Voldemort (Popular)
(Tom decides to transform into something rather different as he prepares to go through with making his first Horcrux and plans ahead for his future. You have to realize that in JK Rowling’s books, she pronounces his name “Voldemore,” with a silent ‘t,’ so that’s what’s going on in the “More”mort,” part of the song..)
Tom:
Whenever I meet someone less powerful than I
And let’s face it, who isn’t
Less powerful than I?
Their muddied blood tends to start to spill.
But before I truly takeover
I’m gonna need a makeover
A face… to terrify and thrill.
And even in my case
When I possess such an attractive face
I realize that my plan has to proceed
I’ll do the deed
And yes, indeed… I… will… be…
Voldemort!
I’m gonna be Voldemort.
I’ll learn all the proper ploys
To kill baby boys
Learn to swoop and snatch and pounce!
I’m gonna give kids a scare
Have no nose, no hair
But evil in quite large amounts
When I’m Voldemort
The evil Lord Voldemort.
I started back at Hogwarts
Found myself cohorts
Learned the spells I’ll need to know
Now it’s time
To drop everything and let go.
I’m not afraid to look like Michael Jackson
With slits for nostrils, skull face, high voice, and taught white wax skin.
I’ve heard the evil crazy snake look is back in.
My bathroom mirror
Will shatter in fear, for…
I’m gonna be Lord Voldemort!
The only Lord Voldemort.
And my brand new evil name
Will have great acclaim
From shore to shining shore”and port.
And nothing’s gonna hold me
Back when I am Voldy-more… mort.
Mwahahahahahahaha, I’m gonna be Lord Voldemort!
I’ll be a disgusting creature
Not a single pleasant feature.
No one will again think I’m not serious now!
Celebrated heads of state
Quite soon will be decapitate-ed.
All of their brains and knowledge
Won’t stop their fear
Of Lord Voldemort
Omnipotent Voldemort
It’s all about attitude
I’m one evil dude
And I find it shrewd to be
A helper of Lord Voldemort--
Join me!
(He levitates a bit of his soul into a Horcrux and looks suddenly a lot less human.)
Tom/Voldemort:
Oh, look at me! I’m hideous! That’s more like it!
The man with this face
Will wipe out a race
Of Mudbloods and their half-breed brood.
And nothing’s gonna thwart it
My evil Voldemortitude!
Mwahahahahaha, I AM VOLDEMORT!
And in a bloodthirsty mood!
8. I’m Not That Man (I’m Not That Girl)
(Tom, now fully Voldemort, watches Lucius and Narcissa snogging with evident disgust.)
Voldemort:
Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, silent heat.
Hearts beat as fast as they can.
Someone’s having fun
But I’m not that man.
Love is a charade
One game far too often played.
I think it’s something they should ban.
Some say it’s quite nice
But I’m not that man!
Even Death Eaters will sometimes steal
A kiss every now and then
But I just don’t get what goes on between
Some grown women and some men…
Watch her flirt with him
Think I’ll tear ‘em limb for limb
Fake blonde hair, fake white teeth, fake tan
Plus, he’s got a nose
So, heaven knows
I’m not that man.
Why don’t I see?
What’s in love that’s not in me?
It’s something I can’t understand.
Some would say that bliss
Is found in a kiss.
I’m not that man…
9. Attacking The City (One Short Day)
(Voldemort and company are on a murderous rampage.)
Voldemort:
Come on, let’s take over the city!
All:
Voldemort is attacking the city!
Woman:
No! Don’t tell me he’s come to our city!
All:
Voldemort is attacking the city…
Voldemort is attacking the city
Look out, world, ‘cos here comes You-Know-Who!
One short day, and he’ll wipe out the city!
There’s infinite danger
For Mudbloods like Granger
And Muggles like you!
Bellatrix:
There are piles of bodies ten feet high!
Lucius:
Watch them run!
Bellatrix:
And watch them die!
Voldemort:
Palaces will crumble to my feet!
All:
There is carnage like I’ve never seen!
Voldemort:
It’s all grand!
Villagers:
It’s all obscene!
And I think we’re all about to be dead meat.
I wish that I was far away!
Voldemort:
But you’re not, so you’ll die today!
I’ll fry you all like crème brulee
‘Cos here I am, and here I am to stay!
All:
Voldemort is attacking the city!
Voldemort is here, so better run!
Voldemort:
I’ve arrived, and I’m warning the city
Now that I’m in here, you’ll know I’ve been here
Before the day’s done.
All:
Who’s the mage whose major itinerary
Is making our lives scarier?
Who’s the sage who’s sagely
Sailed in to kick some posterior?
Whose enthuse for the Cruciatus
Makes us wish that dragons ate us?
Ooooh… isn’t he horrible?
That horrible wizard!
(Repeat, simultaneous with Voldemort’s part below)
Voldemort:
Goodbye now, I’m destroying your city.
This is my way of having some fun.
All:
What a way to be seeing the city.
Voldemort:
Where no one will roam to
Now that I’ve blown through.
All:
And once all our lives are cut short.
They all will say
There’s where they lay
Blown away
By the repulsive Lord Volde”
Random villager:
The wizard will kill you now!
All:
MORT!
10. A Somewhat Mental Man (A Sentimental Man)
(Voldemort is applying for the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher; Dumbledore reee-jects him.)
DUMBLEDORE:
You are a somewhat mental man.
I know that you killed your own father.
But I will do the best I can
To try to understand you”no one else would bother.
But, Tom, I can’t give you the job…
VOLDEMORT:
But why?
DUMBLEDORE:
‘Cos you think everyone but you deserves to die!
I won’t help with your somewhat mental quest for total power.
I won’t let you make students cower.
For you are a somewhat mental man.
11. Applying Depravity (Defying Gravity)
(Voldemort is setting off to kill Harry. Snape has urged him not to kill Lily, and Voldemort has agreed reluctantly.)
VOLDEMORT:
I hope you’re happy!
I hope you’re happy, Snape!
I hope you’re happy that because I’m sparing Lily
That Potter boy could kill me!
SNAPE:
I hope you’re happy!
I hope you’re happy, too!
I hope your proud that paranoia has destroyed you
You kill all who’ve annoyed you.
BOTH:
So though I can’t imagine how
I hope you’re happy right now.
VOLDEMORT:
Severus, you’re a great wizard
Go back to how you were before.
You were so ruthless, without limits.
SNAPE:
I know. But I’m not like that.
I can’t be that anymore.
VOLDEMORT:
Something has changed inside you
Something is not the same.
Something is breaking you
And Lily Potter is her name.
Too late for looking back now
You can’t live in fantasy.
It’s time to channel madness
Use anger… like me!
Let them all die
Apply depravity.
Come, don’t be shy
Apply depravity!
And they can’t bring you down.
SNAPE:
I just cannot understand…
You think your delusions can help you?
VOLDEMORT:
Don’t you dismiss predictions--
Kill everyone you know.
There might be no real threat
But ‘till they die, you’ll never know.
Too long, you’ve been afraid of
Losing love that’s… clearly lost.
Snape, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost.
Forget her, try
To apply depravity.
Be one bad guy
Just apply depravity
And they won’t bring you now.
(Spoken.) Severus, once I eliminate the family, there’ll be no chance that anyone can ever defeat me.
(Sung)
Unlimited… my power will be unlimited.
But right now, I must contradict the prophecy”
Kill them.
Clean deaths, like I planned ‘em.
Come, let’s work in tandem.
I know you can use that mind…
Let dead dogs lie
And apply depravity
Just you and I
Will apply depravity
They’ll never bring us down.
Well, are you coming?
SNAPE:
I hope you’re happy
I can’t just kill like you can do.
I can’t just muscle through
Pretend that it’s okay and
Throw human thoughts away and
It’s too much for me to afford.
I hope you’re happy… my Lord.
VOLDEMORT:
Above the Potters’ house, see
My Dark Mark in the sky.
As I’ve said many times, Snape
Everyone but me deserves to die!
And once I’m flying solo
Soon, I’ll be flying free!
Watch me kill James and charge
Into the nursery!
They scream, they cry!
I apply depravity.
I’ll watch them die
And apply depravity
And soon the world will be my crown.
And nobody who is or was
No wizard will kill me because
I’ll be the one to bring them down!
(He tries to kill Harry and, ironically, asplodes.)
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Really Wicked: Stephen Schwartz's Wicked Gone Potter by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Chapter Notes: Here's Act One. I don't own Harry Potter, or Wicked. All songs are by Stephen Schwarz, God bless his li'l cotton socks. My next spoof will be either Hairspray or Sweeney Todd-- you can tell me which you would prefer in your reviews. *Snooty face*
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Chapter Endnotes: Act Two will follow shortly. If anyone were to record themself singing these songs-- or any of the songs from my other spoofs-- I would be so immensely flattered that my head would explode from sheer arrogance and glee!