1. Thank Goodness
Voldemort has just been defeated. Dumbledore and McGonagall are meeting out front of Privet Drive.
DUMBLEDORE:
Every day more wicked
Then he’s suddenly destroyed
But he took the Potters when he went.
MCGONAGALL:
Somebody so wicked
Brought down by a baby boy.
Harry Potter, only an infant.
Like some terrible great lizard, he crushed all we held dear.
DUMBLEDORE:
But now that evil wizard can no longer harm us here!
Not here!
BOTH:
We’ll leave Harry Potter
Somewhere where he won’t be hurt.
Where is Hagrid?
When will he arrive?
When will he arrive?
When will he arrive?
(Across town, Dedalus Diggle is throwing a party.)
DIGGLE:
Fellow Order members, as terrifying as the death of the Potters is, let us put aside our grief… and celebrate!
Oh what a celebration we’ll have today!
ALL:
Thank goodness!
DIGGLE:
Let’s have a celebration the wizard way!
ALL:
Thank goodness!
DIGGLE:
Finally a day that’s totally Voldemort-free.
ALL:
We couldn’t be happier, thank goodness!
(At Privet Drive.)
PETUNIA:
Yes, we couldn’t be happier.
Right, dear?
Couldn’t be happier
Right here.
VERNON:
A fine job and spouse
PETUNIA:
Insanely clean house—
Our very own sitcom backdrop.
Where we couldn’t be happier.
True, dear?
Couldn’t be happier
BOTH:
And we’re taking great care
To brag everywhere
About how we’re better than you!
PETUNIA:
I couldn’t feel lovelier!
VERNON:
I couldn’t feel wealthier!
BOTH:
We couldn’t be happier!
Because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true!
(Back to Dumbledore and McGonagall outside the door, as well as Hagrid, who has just arrived.)
DUMBLEDORE:
The day Lord Voldemort came
He killed Potter in a flash
He was going to spare his wife as well, initially.
But she wouldn’t stand aside
And so Lily also died
And Voldemort laughed maliciously.
Then he approached the crib
To try and kill young Harry
To complete the plans he made ambitiously.
MCGONAGALL:
I heard he didn’t die
But works down at Honeydukes.
HAGRID:
I heard that he’s now a ghost
Like all them Hogwarts spooks.
BOTH:
I heard he isn’t gone yet
That one blow couldn’t defeat him
I heard that one day he’ll return
And just Harry can beat him
Beat him
Oh, hopefully one day he’ll beat him!
(They leave Harry and go. Petunia opens the door the next morning to see a cranky, smelly-diapered baby lying on the porch next to the newspaper.)
PETUNIA:
Oh my gosh… Lily and James dead… killed by wiz… those people… nothing could kill their son… WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM!?!?!
(At the sound of her screech, a flock of birds takes off from the nearby telephone wires. Meanwhile, cut to the disembodied spirit of Lord Voldershmookins.)
VOLDEMORT’S SPIRIT:
Guess why I couldn’t be crabbier?
No! I couldn’t be crabbier!
I live, but I admit
The tiniest bit
Unlike I’d anticipated.
So, I couldn’t be crabbier
Simply couldn’t be crabbier!
Well, not simply…
I’m flipping my lid
‘Cause killing the kid
Was kind of, well, complicated.
With each victory comes a cost
And my body’s what I’ve, er, lost.
And the boy’s still alive, he didn’t die, so I’m pretty ticked off.
I’m going to return!
And my servants’ Dark Marks will burn.
And I know I will hear it’s something to cheer about.
But he couldn’t be healthier
So I couldn’t be angrier
And I couldn’t feel crabbier
Because that’s often what happens when you’re this freaked out!
(Back to celebrating people at Diggle’s.)
DIGGLE:
With Voldemort around, our life really stank!
ALL:
Thank goodness!
DIGGLE:
Now he’s blown up and we all know who to thank!
ALL:
Thank goodness!
DIGGLE:
That means the Potters, Harry, James, and Lily.
ALL:
We…
Couldn’t be happier
It couldn’t be luckier
Vold couldn’t be crabbier
We couldn’t be happier
Thank goodness! Yippee!
2. Wonderful
Ten years later, Harry finds himself in the dungeon accompanied by Quirrel/Voldemort and the Mirror of Erised.
HARRY:
I never asked for this or planned it in advance.
Now I face the Dark Lord thanks to happenstance.
I never saw myself as a Superman or Hercules.
I’m only a kid.
And now I just pray—let this plan work, oh please.
‘Cos suddenly I’m here… with no one to protect me.
I thought I would save the stone… and no one tried to correct me!
VOLDEMORT:
Are you surprised that you’ll be killed… and none too soon!
What can I say, you know you’ll die today.
HARRY:
This is inopportune…
VOLDEMORT:
Wonderful, my plan was wonderful.
It’s always wonderful, that’s no surprise.
Life will be wonderful, once yours ends—wonderful.
Because I’m not like other guys!
It will feel wonderful
With this stone—wonderful!
Because it’s wonderful to never die!
And thanks to you, my boy
I’ll very soon destroy
You, and I’ll barely have to try.
See, I never had a family of my own, so I guess I just decided to go ahead and kill everyone else’s.
HARRY:
So you went batpoo insane, you mean.
VOLDEMORT:
Oh, there is no good and evil, Harry! Only power and those too weak to seek it!
A man’s called a traitor or a liberator
A man is well-groomed or a narcissist.
A valiant crusader, or more like Darth Vader—
It’s all in which label is able to persist.
Slytherins all feel at ease
With moral ambiguities
Because we just pretend they don’t exist!
They think I’m wonderful, so I am wonderful
In fact, it’s so much who I am, they don’t speak my name
And with my help, you can be the same.
For now I must receive my due, long overdue.
Yes indeed.
Years ago, defeated,
Voldemort’s reheated.
I’ll win no matter what I do
So you can choose to join me, or else I can just kill you!
Wonderful, it will be wonderful!
HARRY:
You call that wonderful?
VOLDEMORT:
Once I have won!
And once I’m wonderful, life will be wonderful!
Wonderful, one, two…
(Harry gets the stone and basically defeats him once again.)
3. I’m Not That Man Reprise (I’m Not That Girl Reprise)
The next year, after the Chamber of Secrets fiasco, the spirit of Voldemort reflects on how Potter has beaten him so many times and puzzles over how it could be.
VOLDEMORT’S SPIRIT:
Why can’t I see?
What’s in him that’s not in me?
Even now, I can’t understand…
Me renounce my vow
And give up now?
I’m not that man…
4. As Long As You’re Mine
(Harry’s fourth year, in the graveyard. Voldemort slowly rises from the cauldron, accompanied by vaguely ominous music.)
VOLDEMORT:
Mwahahahaha…
Mock me, hide from me
Put off our fight.
I need help believing I stand here tonight.
My years of scheming paid off, you see…
Standing before you, with you fearing me.
Just for this moment, as long as you’re mine
I’ll indulge you, Potter—
Delay your death, that’s fine.
I’ll play your games, boy,
I won’t go too fast…
I’ll make every last moment last
As long as you’re mine.
(Priori Incantatem, Harry escapes, etc. Cut to the next year when Voldemort is messing around inside Harry’s head and affecting his dreams.)
VOLDEMORT:
I’m in your brain, I’ll feed you my lies
I’ll help you see things through… different eyes.
Now that you’ve fallen under my spell
I’ll kill you soon and I’ll kill Black as well!
Just for this moment
As long as you’re mine
I’ll show you real pain and
I’ll make up for lost time.
Say there’s no future for my new regime
But boy, that’s as false as your dream…
Just for this moment
As long as you’re mine
I’ll truly possess you
It’s all in my design.
(Voldemort possesses Harry and speaks from his mouth)
VOLDEMORT AND HARRY’S VOICES TOGETHER:
Come, old man, kill us
We’re one and the same
He’s lost now that I’ve staked my claim…
As long as he’s mine.
(Harry’s love is too much for him, Voldemort flees, etc. Harry lies on the ground sobbing.)
DUMBLEDORE:
What is it?
HARRY:
It’s just… for the first time, I feel… wicked.
5. No Good Deed
Dumbledore has just been killed by Snape, and Harry is full of inhuman rage—he wants to kill Snape. Meanwhile, Voldemort is across the country furiously killing people because he has just learned that once again, Harry did not die. Imagine this whole duet taking place in split-screen.)
HARRY:
PROFESSOR!
VOLDEMORT:
Avada Kedavra, die now, die now
‘Vada Kedavra.
Avada Kedavra, Cruciatus
‘Vada Kedavra.
Let the boy’s flesh be torn
Let his blood flow like rain
Let him scream, let him feel total pain!
HARRY:
Let the man’s bones all break
And however he’s tortured and battered
BOTH:
I want him to die!
I want him to die!
VOLDEMORT:
Avada Kedavra, die now, die now
Avada Kedavra
Avada Kedavra, Cruciatus
HARRY:
Sectumsemp…
Cruci..
AUUGH! What good is this spellwork?
I don’t even know what I’m doing!
I don’t even know what trick I ought to try.
But Snape, I can see you
Already dead and bleeding
Just like the man you killed, alone in pain, crawl off and die!
Evil deeds gone unpunished…
The murderer lives and is celebrated.
Evil deeds gone unpunished…
And he’ll succeed!
My road of good intentions led where such roads always lead.
VOLDEMORT:
NO good deed goes unpunished!
BOTH:
(Harry mournfully, Voldemort gleefully.)
Cedric… and then Sirius…
HARRY:
Now Dumbledore…
VOLDEMORT:
Now Dumbledore!
HARRY:
One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention.
Are my deeds really good
Or a plea for attention?
VOLDEMORT:
That’s all each action is when looked at with my soulless eye
We both are so alike
Potter, that’s the reason why…
No good deed goes unpunished!
All Gryffindors will be assassinated.
No good deed goes unpunished!
You think you’re so great, but look what being great did!
HARRY:
All right, enough, so be it!
So be it, then.
Whatever it may take
I know what I must do
Since I could not succeed, Headmaster, saving you.
I promise no dark deed will that man ever do again…
Ever again!
(He slowly gets to his feet, his face darkly purposeful. He unsheathes his wand as lightning illuminates the sky.)
HARRY (AND VOLDEMORT, IN PARENTHESES):
No dark deed (No good deed)
Will he do again!
6. March of the Horcruxes (March of the Witch-Hunters)
(Harry’s seventh year. The students still stuck at Hogwarts are rooting for Harry to defeat Voldemort.)
ALL:
Go and find them and hunt them, destroy them!
GINNY:
Good luck, Harry!
ALL:
Go and find them, destroy them, to kill him!
NEVILLE:
Kill Voldemort!
ALL:
Voldemort must be punished
And all of his Horcruxes eliminated!
Voldemort must be punished…
HARRY:
It’s the sword!
(Ron holds the sword poised to stab the locket, pale and trembling but his face contorted with hatred.)
RON:
It’s due to him we’re in this mess
The chance I’ll live is slim.
So I’ll stab the locket with this
And pretend I’m stabbing him!
If I’d known six years ago
The price I’d have to pay,
If I’d gotten prepared when I was that young
I wouldn’t be a coward today!
(He stabs the locket. As the chorus repeats, we see a montage of the trio hunting for Horcruxes, culminating with Hermione stabbing the cup with the Basilisk fang, the Fiendfyre consuming the diadem, and Neville killing Nagini.)
MEMBERS OF THE D.A.:
Voldemort must be punished!
Good luck to Harry, I would join if I could!
Because Voldemort must be punished…
Punished…
For good!
7. For Good
Harry and Voldemort are having their final face-off.
HARRY:
You’re limited.
Tom, just look at you
Love can do things you’ll never do, Riddle.
And now it’s up to me…
Do I have the strength?
Now it’s up to me…
I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
Fate leads us on to those who help us change and grow
If we’re lucky
We may change them in return.
Well, Voldemort, I really hope that’s true
‘Cos there better be a reason why I know a jerk like you!
Like a pond that’s been polluted by a neighboring plant
Like a proud tree felled and splintered into firewood.
When your life ends, mine will change for the better
But because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
VOLDEMORT:
I’ll kill you, boy
This is the last hour that you’ll see in your lifetime.
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is fueled by all my hate for you
You’ll stay with me
Like a stick rammed through my heart!
And now your sorry tale is drawing to its end
I know you have rewritten mine more than time can mend!
Like a bomb that detonates and just destroys a whole town
Like a bear that rips your face off on a hike through the wood.
When your life ends, mine will change for the better
But because I knew you…
HARRY:
Because I knew you…
BOTH:
I have been changed for good.
VOLDEMORT:
And just to clear the air
Once I have killed you
I’ll fondly recall the blood and gore.
HARRY:
You wrecked my life, but now I’m wrecking yours!
BOTH:
So none of it seems to matter anymore!
Like a pond that’s been polluted (Like a bomb that detonates and)
By a neighboring plant (Just destroys a whole town)
Like a proud tree felled and splintered
Into firewood (Like a bear that rips your face off in the wood!)
When your life ends, mine will change for the better
HARRY:
I think I’ll be a stronger man now forever…
And because I knew you
VOLDEMORT:
Because I knew you
BOTH:
Because I knew you, I have been changed for good…
(They both attack, Voldemort’s spell rebounds, Voldemort dies, Harry and everyone else stands there blinking in amazement.)
8. Finale
ALL:
No one mourns the wicked
Now at last he’s dead and gone!
Now at last there’s joy throughout the land!
(There is a long, sad, contemplative pause as everyone thinks about all of the good and innocent people who died in the fight to be free.)
Good news! Good news!
HARRY:
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better…
But because I knew him
ALL:
No one mourns the wicked!
HARRY:
Because I knew him
ALL:
No one mourns the wicked
HARRY:
I have been changed for—
ALL:
No one mourns the wicked!
Wicked!
Wicked!