Eva, beware of the city
It’s hungry and cold, can’t be controlled, it is mad.
Those who are fools are swallowed up whole
And those who are not become what they should not
Become changed, in short, they go bad.
Eva, beware your ambition
It’s hungry and cold, can’t be controlled, will run wild.
This in a man is danger enough
But you are a woman, not even a woman
Not very much more than a child.
-- “Eva, Beware of the City,” from Evita
So much for a fun, carefree date. We all knew that it would be stupid to waste another second, so we raced back into the hippie shop, Apparated straight onto the front porch of the Potter house, and marched inside. My parents, Uncle Harry, and Aunt Ginny were gathered in the sitting room, listening to the Wizarding Wireless, while Holly and Jonathan climbed up and down the kitchen doorframe. But all heads turned in our direction as we flung open the door.
“Why”“ began Uncle Harry, squinting confusedly at Tyrone.
“Don’t even ask,” I muttered.
Ivy cleared her throat. “Dad, we have… a serious problem. We just got a letter from Haley that says… it…” She was obviously too choked up to continue, so I took over for her before things got all messy and drawn-out.
“She says she and Wolfgang Quinn ran off to London to get married at the Ministry. And Wolfgang… is bad news. I don’t know what he’s got up his sleeve, but I seriously doubt it’s marriage.”
My mum looked incredibly perplexed. “But I thought you liked Wolfgang,” she said. “I thought he was your… ishfriend.”
“Mum, never say that word again,” I said quickly, determinedly avoiding making eye-contact with Tyrone. I coughed. “Anyway, that was a long time ago. He’s… not who I thought he was.”
Tyrone helped me out. “He’s got mental issues. And a horrible temper, and no common sense, and he’s also a compulsive liar who steals stuff and cheats people and manipulates everyone.”
“And he gets girls pregnant and runs off to different countries,” I added. “And… if personality flaws were crayons, he’d have the 96-pack, with the glow-in-the-dark and glitter ones thrown in, too.”
Tyrone nodded uncomfortably. “Yeah, he’s my stepbrother, so that’s why I’m here. I know him better than pretty much anyone else… unfortunately.”
I surveyed the four faces in front of me. My mother looked the most horrified and scandalized, while my dad’s ears had gone very red, and he looked like he wanted to pummel someone into an expertly-pureed pulp. Aunt Ginny looked like she might burst into tears, which was unusual for her, and Uncle Harry merely just looked thoughtful and confused.
“But why would Haley do a stupid thing like that?” blurted Aunt Ginny. “She barely knows Wolfgang. And she’s a smart girl. Wouldn’t she realize that there’s something wrong with him? Are you sure this isn’t a trick or… or a misunderstanding?”
I sighed. “It was her handwriting. But you’d be surprised. Wolfgang can be quite charming when he wants to be. It’s only after he gets what he wants that the… crazy shines through.”
Uncle Harry’s face lit up with understanding. “Ohhh,” he said slowly. “This is why the Department of Magical Law Enforcement wants so many Aurors and trainees at Chudley Cannons Stadium. I thought it was strange that they asked for so many more than the other stadiums. They even asked us to have select Aurors search the locker rooms and question the players every couple of days. I just thought it was because they wanted to protect you, Tyrone … But I would not be surprised if they’re waiting for something funny out of Wolfgang Quinn.”
That last part jogged my memory. “That letter from Vaultz!” I exclaimed. “It mentioned that they’ve been monitoring Wolfgang. I didn’t even think about it.”
“It looks like everything he’s done is finally catching up to him,” Tyrone said darkly.
Ivy cleared her throat. “I know this is important,” she said. “Especially since Tyrone and Emma know stuff that the Ministry will want to hear. But… what are we going to do about Haley?”
Everyone was silent for a second. We all knew that whatever was going on couldn’t be any good. But none of us had any clue what Wolfgang’s plan was, or where we might find him…
“We need to go find Haley,” said my dad. “With or without that Quinn bloke. I mean, I still can’t see her going off with him, thinking she’s going to get married. We need the whole story before we try to do anything too fancy. This doesn’t make sense.”
“This is Haley we’re talking about,” I pointed out. “Since when has she ever made sense?”
My mother looked white and frightened. “There are so many… possibilities,” she said nervously. “There’s no logical way to go about this. And London is a really big city, even just wizarding London. They could be anywhere.”
“What we need is Jordan,” Aunt Ginny said quickly. We all turned to look at her. “He knows his way around London better than any of us,” she explained, “and this is definitely one of those times when his talents will come in useful.”
Oh, yeah. Jordan’s talents. He’s a Seer, which can mean any number of different things, from a hint of extra intuition to bizarrely vivid dreams to full-out visions. But unlike some “Seers,” Jordan’s never convinced himself that he’s having a vision when it’s really just his imagination, because he doesn’t have an imagination. Jordan and Haley had never gotten along very well, but as they’ve gotten older, they’ve developed a sort of grudging respect for one another. And I knew that if anything ever happened to Haley, Jordan would be the first to come to her defense.
So we sent him a Patronus, and the rest of us kind of huddled together in a conspiratorial clump. “As soon as Jordan gets here, let’s all go to London and spread out,” said Tyrone.
“Wait, we need a plan,” said Uncle Harry. “Ron, how about you ask around at different inns and hotels, and I can check at the Ministry?”
“I’ll just look around the streets,” said Tyrone. “I mean, because I actually know Wolfgang. If anyone has to run into him, it should be me.”
“Great,” said Uncle Harry. “And Jordan… Jordan can just do whatever he wants. He’ll have his own plan worked out. Ginny, you””
Aunt Ginny coughed. “I think I should stay here,” she said carefully. “Someone needs to keep Holly and Jonathan from killing each other.”
“Hey!” shouted Holly, flying off of the doorframe and onto the ground with a thunderous crash.
“You have a point,” said Uncle Harry, who was definitely in full-out Auror mode. “And Ivy… I’m guessing you want to stay here, too. So we’ve got it worked out.”
I jumped to my feet. “What about me?” I demanded.
My dad raised his eyebrows. “Emma, no offense, but we want to find Quinn, not violently murder him. I mean, as tempting as that is…”
I opened my mouth to protest, but I was interrupted by a quiet ‘pop’ as Jordan Potter materialized in the middle of the floor.
“You know, you could just Apparate outside the door like everyone else,” I remarked darkly.
“You could also learn how to perform the counter-charm for the Anti-Apparition enchantments on the house in the process of Apparating,” Jordan said nonchalantly, as if what he’d just done wasn’t nearly impossible.
It had been awhile since I’d talked to Jordan, about eight months, but from our two-sentence conversation, he seemed the same as ever. He was wearing plain black trousers and a black button-up shirt, his black hair was messy as always, though a little longer than it had been, and his jaw was made slightly more interesting by a faint five-o-clock shadow. He’s a shortish guy, and slightly built in a wiry sort of way, which had made him look younger than he was back when we were in school.
But now, with his unsettlingly dark green eyes, the permanent furrow he’d already carved between his eyebrows, and the straight-backed way he held himself rather than the slouch he’d once affected, he suddenly looked a lot older than I did.
“It’s so lucky you could come,” said my mum. “I know you must be busy.”
“Extremely,” he said, sitting down in the nearest chair. “But nothing as important as this. I still find it hard to believe Haley would do something as idiotic as this. Or that anyone would choose her as a victim. It’s like torturing a kitten.”
Tyrone made a deep, grunting noise in the back of his throat. “Believe me, Wolfgang has tortured kittens before.”
Jordan’s eyes lit on Tyrone, apparently noticing him for the first time. Slowly, he turned from Tyrone to me, and smirked in that annoying, patronizing way of his. “You change your mind like Haley changes clothes,” he commented.
“He’s just here as an expert,” Ivy said loyally. “To help find Wolfgang.”
Now it was time for Jordan to stare at Ivy. He didn’t even try to appear subtle. At last, he said, “I knew you were pregnant, but I had no idea how far along you were.”
Ivy shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “Actually, I still have four months to go,” she whispered.
As difficult to read as Jordan sometimes is, I could tell that he felt the exact same way I did”bewildered and disgusted at the idea of Ivy, who we’d known since we were eleven, having Ted’s baby growing inside her. It was downright disturbing. But Jordan, realizing there were far more urgent issues at hand, cleared his throat and moved on. “I think it’s high time we leave,” he said. “But please tell me Emma’s not coming.”
“Why not?” I demanded. “Haley’s my best friend! I--”
“Because we want to find Quinn, not violently murder him,” said Jordan. Augh. The exact same words and everything. It was maddening.
Tyrone patted me on the shoulder. “Trust me, I wouldn’t want to subject you to Wolfgang in a really foul mood. Let’s go.” And he, Jordan, Dad, and Uncle Harry traipsed outside to try and track down Haley and Wolfgang. Sexist pigs.
“Well, Jordan hasn’t changed,” commented Aunt Ginny.
“Yeah, he’s about the only thing around here that hasn’t,” I muttered, sitting down next to Ivy and seething slightly.
Ivy sighed. “Do I really look that far along?”
“Eh, who cares, it’s only Jordan being an idiot,” I said. I stared moodily into the air. “This is so mad”we’re just supposed to… wait here and do nothing?”
Ginny smiled tautly. “Emma, one day, you’re going to learn that you don’t always have to do everything. Sometimes, you just have to wait.” She snorted. “I had to get used to that, or I never would have been able to stay married to Harry for thirty years.”
I thought about Haley for a minute, trying to fit her into the whole equation”sure, she could do some strange things, and she had always been one to act on a whim, but I couldn’t see her letting Wolfgang trick her into thinking they were going to get married when he had other plans.
“You know, it’s been a long time since we saw Haley,” said Ivy. “You never know, this might not be a bad thing after all. Maybe they really got to know each other, and she convinced him to start taking medicine or a potion or something that would keep him normal. Fighting a mental illness can bring people together. Maybe Wolfgang’s gotten over the worst of it, and he’s really just a nice guy at heart.” I knew she wasn’t just talking about Wolfgang. She was talking about herself and Ted now.
“I hope you’re right,” Ginny said, but she didn’t sound hopeful. Ivy’s suggestion was delusionally optimistic, even for her. In fact, it was bordering on Ted territory. And besides, it sounded to me like Wolfgang had a wide variety of small personality disorders, not one big issue that could be fixed by taking a potion.
“I think he probably killed her,” Jonathan informed me matter-of-factly.
Holly nodded. “Yeah, me, too. Wolfgang sounds like an evil name. And why else would he want to get her on her own?”
Aunt Ginny and I exchanged glances. “I’m sure that Haley is not dead,” she reassured the twins. “There’s just some confusion. Now, why don’t you go up to your rooms while we deal with this.” Holly and Jonathan actually looked disappointed, and not just about being sent to their rooms.
I stared moodily out the window, not really looking at anything in particular, just glancing at a blank patch of sky. I couldn’t help but think, none of this would have happened at all if Haley had listened to me when I told her to keep her hands off of Wolfgang.
How had it happened anyway? How had they managed to get together? Had Haley truly believed that she was dating the most perfect man in the world? And… if so, when had she realized how horribly wrong she was? Or had she not realized it yet? Was she still operating under the delusion that she was a lucky lady who was going to get married and live happily ever after with lots of astonishingly good-looking children? How would she feel if one of our dads or Tyrone or Jordan”especially Jordan”burst through the door, ranting and waving a wand?
As embarrassing as that image was, though, the alternative was worse, far worse. I didn’t even want to think about Haley, injured or abandoned or just emotionally hurt and baffled as to why the charming guy she’d planned on marrying had suddenly snapped.
I hardly realized that over half an hour had passed until I heard the unmistakable sound of someone Apparating outside the door. I ran to it, hoping to see Haley, but instead, I came face-to-face with a very grim-looking Tyrone. His expression alone told me that he didn’t come bearing good news.
“Well?” I demanded.
Tyrone sighed. “Let me come inside first, will you?” he said. “I need to sit down.” Ooh. That couldn’t be a good sign, either. “I found Wolfgang,” he said plainly, lowering himself into a chair and wearing the distant, haughty face that he sometimes puts on when something is really bothering him and he doesn’t feel like disclosing how much it does. I’ve always hated that face. It makes him look way too much like Professor Zabini.
“Just Wolfgang?” clarified Ivy, leaning forward anxiously. She was already as white as Tyrone’s shirt.
“Yeah,” replied Tyrone. “Completely smashed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that drunk before, which, believe me, is saying something. But anyway, he was in the Leaky Cauldron, out where anyone could see him… and he was snogging some random girl.”
I felt my heart plunge somewhere into my intestinal regions. “And you just let him go on?”
“No, ‘course not!” Tyrone replied, a little more sharply and defensively than he’d probably intended. “I walked right up to him and started asking him what he thought he was doing and where Haley was. And of course, he told me he didn’t know anyone named Haley, and then he said that he had no idea who I was, and I yelled at him, and he told me I was confused, because he’d never heard of any Quidditch player named Wolfgang Quinn and that he was a lounge singer named Jerry Sizzler. Then he swore at me, screamed at me a lot, puked on the girl, and passed out.”
I was literally speechless. That was probably the most preposterous story I’d ever heard, and it sounded unbelievable, even for Wolfgang.
“Clearly panicking,” said Aunt Ginny. “No one would toss off a ridiculous story like that unless he was really scared you were onto him and he didn’t have time to think up anything good.”
“Clearly insane, more like,” Tyrone corrected her. “You don’t know this guy. He seriously sounded like he believed what he was saying. Then again, he was really drunk. It’d probably start calling myself Jerry Sizzler, too, if I’d had as much as him.”
“Maybe it wasn’t even him?” Ivy said. “It could have actually been someone named Jerry Sizzler who looked a lot like him. It’s dark in the Leaky Cauldron, you couldn’t have seen him that clearly.”
Tyrone cupped his unnaturally square chin in his hand. “Ivy, you’re a lot smarter than me, and I know you mean to help. But there’s no way that’s possible. At all.” He saw the expressions on our faces”mine furious, Ginny’s confused, Ivy’s pinched, white, and crumpled-looking. “Look, I’m sorry about all of this. If I just told you about Wolfgang earlier instead of letting you make your own decision about him…” He unfolded his frame from the chair, and buried Ginny in the biggest bear hug he could manage.
Aunt Ginny looked a little surprised, but after a second or two, she returned the hug with all of her might. Knowing her, she was probably already thinking of Tyrone as a family member and counting down the days before he and I unloosed a herd of knee-high spawn on the Potter household.
When Tyrone pulled away at last, he rolled back his shoulders and said, “Well, I should be going now. You haven’t heard anything yet from Harry or Ron or Jordan, have you?”
“No, nothing,” I said. When did he start calling the two top Aurors in the country by their first names? He used to call my dad ‘sir’ back when we were dating.
“Do you want a drink or anything before you go?” Ginny asked anxiously.
Tyrone grimaced. “No, thanks. After seeing Wolfgang in the Leaky Cauldron. I doubt I’ll ever be thirsty again.” And with that, he stepped outside and Disapparated.
It was weird, this whole Haley fiasco was making me miss the days when Haley and Ivy and Jordan and Ted and Tyrone and I all hung out together all the time. I never thought we’d grow apart at all. Well, Jordan was always distant”in fact, if anything, he was friendlier these days than I’d have imagined”but who would have guessed that I could have spent months without even seeing a glimpse of Haley or Ted, who’d been my best friends since birth?
“I have to say, Tyrone’s a lot nicer than you give him credit for,” Ginny said once Tyrone had gone. “And he’s not exactly bad-looking either. Do you think you’ll ever get back together?”
Ivy and I avoided looking at one another. “I doubt it,” said Ivy. “He’s as worried about Haley as we are, but that’s all there is.”
Ginny shook her head. “That’s too bad,” she said. “Because he’s husband material.”
That’s true, I thought to myself. Despite the reputation he had as a playboy, particularly at school, he’d somehow grown up into the kind of guy I had no trouble imagining teaching a three-foot version of himself how to throw a Quaffle and cooking on a grill outdoors and fixing things around the house. The trouble was, I was not wife material, not even by the loopiest lunatic’s standards.
It felt weird to be talking and thinking about subjects that didn’t have to do with Haley at all, but there was only so much we could say on the subject. We didn’t even know enough to speculate. So after several minutes of trying to make awkward conversation and making certain that the topic veered as far away from Tyrone as possible”as much as I liked him, now was not the time to have that conversation”I finally decided that the least painful thing I could do was to pull out my copy of Pride and Prejudice and try to read.
It wasn’t easy”everything reminded me of my own issues. From the looks of things, if I was Elizabeth, Tyrone was Mr. Darcy, Ivy was Jane, Ted was Mr. Bingley, and Wolfgang was Wickham, than Haley was turning out to be Lydia.
I was actually getting kind of engrossed in all of the goings-on in the Bennett household, so much that I almost didn’t notice the large, silvery object looming outside the window until it started tapping incessantly on the glass.
“It’s Dad!” exclaimed Ivy, jumping up to open the window. A large, silver stag stuck its head through into the living room and begun to speak in Uncle Harry’s voice.
”I’m here at the Ministry. It took them awhile before they granted me access to the files, but they’ve got a record down for a Potter-Quinn wedding about three hours ago. The man at the desk said that he hardly gets people marrying at the Ministry registrar anymore, but he said they were the nicest young couple he’s seen in a long time, and that he didn’t know what I was investigating, but that they both went through a background check and came back completely clean. This is just getting more and more confusing. I’ll see you soon. “
My jaw dropped like I was Jane the snake, preparing to eat a defenseless young girl. This hadn’t been what I was expecting. I really hadn’t even considered the idea that they might have actually gotten married. Now a whole new spectrum of horrible possibilities were blooming in my brain. Harry’s news might have made me a lot more optimistic if I hadn’t heard Tyrone’s first.
“This doesn’t make any sense,” said Ginny. “Why would he marry her and then change his mind two hours later?”
“Because he’s not right in the head,” I muttered. “That’s the reason for everything he does.”
“I still think it was all a mistake and Tyrone really did meet someone named Jerry Sizzler. No one who looked that happy getting married would leave his new wife just a few hours later,” insisted Ivy, but no one even pretended to listen to her.
Ginny sighed deeply. “Maybe she got pregnant?” she suggested. I could tell that this had been her suspicion all along, but she hadn’t wanted to admit it.
“No,” I said. “Believe me, Wolfgang has no problem getting girls pregnant out of wedlock.” I laughed bitterly. “It’s money. That’s the only reason that makes any sense. Let’s be honest, we all know you and Uncle Harry have a lot of money. Wolfgang’s been trying to squeeze every drop of money he can out of everyone he knows for years. But it’s finally caught up to him. I mean, even Tyrone’s not giving him money anymore, and there’s no way he’s going to marry Tabby Thomas and get her money now.” I stared out the window. “He was probably trying for me first. He probably thought I’d be a great victim for his plan, until I got sacked for talking to him. Haley was the next best thing.”
“Yeah, she couldn’t be pregnant,” piped up Holly. “You can’t until after you’re married.”
Aunt Ginny looked extremely uncomfortable. “Oh, did I say pregnant? I didn’t mean pregnant, I was just…thinking about Ivy, and I said the wrong word.”
Ivy looked like she was on the verge of tears again. “I feel so bad for Haley, though. I mean, we all know her well enough to know she’d never settle down with anyone unless she really loved him. She’s never even dated anyone for more than a few weeks before.”
“I have a theory,” said Ginny. “What if Wolfgang’s not a native Brit? What he’s actually a citizen of… wherever Durmstrang is? And Haley agreed to marry him so he wouldn’t be deported”but with the understanding that he already had a girlfriend?”
“No, that makes too much sense,” I said. “You have to stop thinking like a rational human being.”
By this point, all of our brains had basically completely broken. I tried to go back to reading Pride and Prejudice, Ivy flipped through the Daily Prophet, Ginny picked up some of the clutter on the floor, and Holly and Jonathan ran into the room and began a sort of vicious tug-of-war over a toy broomstick. But everyone observing the scene would have known automatically that our minds were all elsewhere. Well, everyone but Holly and Jonathan.
I was just about to hurl the book across the room and do something completely insane out of frustration, like painting myself blue and leaping around the room yelling, “Hooloovoo!” when Jordan Apparated less than two inches away from my chest. I yelped and almost fell out of my chair.
“Merlin’s thong, Jordan, did you have to do that?” I exclaimed.
“And here I assumed you’d appreciate hearing my news about finding Haley,” said Jordan.
I could have sworn I felt my ears actually perk up. There was a slight creaking noise as Ivy, Ginny, and I all subconsciously moved forward to the edge of our seats.
“Well?” I demanded.
The furrow between Jordan’s eyebrows deepened. “I’m afraid there’s been a misunderstanding,” he said.
“I knew it!” breathed Ivy.
“Haley never married Wolfgang Quinn. She’s at a decent inn, and she’s perfectly fine. She actually married Wolfgang’s older brother, B.C., who seems a fairly sensible person to me, even if he did ask her to run off and get married on the spur of the moment. Apparently, they’ve been dating for several months. They seem happy, though judging these things has never been one of my strong points.”
My ears completely shut off any of his words that came after ‘B.C.’ “But that doesn’t make any sense. The letter Haley wrote says that it was Wolfgang who proposed.”
Jordan raised his eyebrows condescendingly. “No, it said ‘Wolfie.’ I did tell her how misleading that was. B.C.’s real name is Beowulf Caspar, but Haley calls him Wolfie, despite the fact that his brother could feasibly have the same nickname. Haley and B.C. should be here in a few minutes.”
Everyone around me was talking at once, but I didn’t hear anything they said. My brain was whirling at thousands of miles an hour. I couldn’t possibly accept what Jordan had just told me, no matter how nonchalantly he said it. Haley, marry B.C.? Plain, uninteresting, near-silent, blends-into-the-background B.C. Quinn? I couldn’t imagine Haley”or anyone else”being so overcome with passion for him that she’d suddenly run off with him after only knowing him a few months.
I mean, I knew she was starring in his musical and all, but I’d always assumed that she only spent any time with him because he was Anatoly’s friend. I thought both of us saw him as Anatoly’s helpful, bland sidekick. I certainly hadn’t seen much interaction between them… and what could have changed in just a few months? Granted, I liked B.C. a lot more than Anatoly, who I’d never been able to stand, but what was it with the Potter girls and choosing to marry these unattractive, ordinary guys? It was hilarious, though, that his name was Beowulf. No wonder he went by his initials. I couldn’t think of any name worse-suited to him.
My reverie was interrupted as my dad and Uncle Harry walked in through the door, looking tired but a lot less freaked out than they had been. “Well, this has been one of the most ridiculous and confusing days of my life,” announced my dad, easing himself into a chair with a groan. “So, who is this Beowulf character anyway? She can’t have known him long, can she?”
“No, not really,” I said. “And he’s… quiet. A bit dull, actually. Not the kind of bloke you’d think would want to run off and get married at the spur of the moment. You’ll meet him soon enough, I guess. I never even had any idea that Haley liked him.”
Ivy cleared her throat. “I’ve heard a lot about him,” she said. “Haley never told me they were dating, but she was always talking about how brilliant he is, and how she couldn’t wait for me to meet him. Didn’t she say any of that to you?”
I stared at her, bug-eyed. “No,” I said slowly. “Nothing at all.” And I was supposed to be her best friend?
Ginny shook her head. “I still can’t imagine Haley being married.”
“I can’t imagine anyone named Beowulf,” said Uncle Harry. “Harriet-Lily and Beowulf Caspar Quinn… I feel sorry for whoever had to perform the wedding ceremony.”
So, this was back in the days when it was normal to actually take a vacation to someone else’s actual house. Because apparently, regular tourist attractions like the world’s largest ball of yarn didn’t exist, so holidays to the countryside generally involved snooping around someone else’s property. If you’re wondering why I brought it up, it’ll be useful later, I swear.
ANYWAY. Elizabeth finally left the Niflheim-hole known as The Land of Mr. Collins and went home to her almost-equally-obnoxious family. Not a whole lot has changed back home, except that the youngest and skankiest sister, Lydia, has been invited to go on a trip to Brighton with some older friends of hers (Brighton is where the military regiment’s going, because you know she loves to stalk them) and her other sister, Kitty, is having a meltdown because she can’t come along.
Luckily, Elizabeth has a sane aunt and uncle called the Gardiners. Well, when I say ‘sane,’ I guess I really mean ‘sane, apart from the whole touring-strangers’-homes’ thing that I mentioned earlier. Anyway, they invite Elizabeth to go on holiday with them to the country, a nice peaceful, relaxing trip that will allow them to creep on Mr. Darcy’s home, Pemberley (I’m disappointed. That’s not nearly as dirty-sounding a name as ‘Netherfield’), and Elizabeth decides to come along”when she hears that Darcy will be out of town.
Hear that, kids? It’s okay to explore other people’s houses, as long as they’re out of town! What do you mean, ‘burglary?’ I’ve never heard of the word!
Anyway, as soon as Elizabeth sees how giant and beautiful and expensive Darcy’s house is, she starts feeling a bit more kindly toward Mr. Darcy. I mean, who can blame her? Everyone knows that being rich and having a great house is the best way to pick up the ladies”so while Elizabeth daydreams about how great it would be to own this sweet pad, the only obstacle is the guy she would actually have to marry to accomplish this goal.
Luckily, there’s a slightly creepy housekeeper giving them the official Mr. Darcy tour, and she basically says, in so many words, “MR. DARCY IS THE MOST PERFECT HUMAN BEING EVER. EVERY MORNING, I COLLECT THE HAIR FROM HIS HAIRBRUSH, AND I’VE MADE A TEDDY BEAR OUT OF IT AND SLEEP WITH IT AT NIGHT. HERE’S MY OFFICIAL SHRINE WITH PICTURES OF HIM AS A BABY. WASN’T HE THE SEXIEST BABY EVER? ALSO, HE’S NOT EVEN REMOTELY PROUD OR PREJUDICED. HE’S ACTUALLY THE NICEST MAN WHO EVER LIVED. HE EVEN PROMISED HE WOULDN’T GET A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST ME IF I STOPPED TAKING PICTURES OF HIM IN THE BATH AND PUTTING AMORTENTIA IN HIS OATMEAL! I HAD TO PUNISH MYSELF FOR THAT, BUT IRONING MY FINGERS WAS WORTH IT FOR A MASTER AS KIND AND GOOD AND WONDERFUL AS MR… PRECCCCIOUSSSS… DARCY!”
Well, if you can’t trust a good, loyal old housekeeper, who can you trust?
As they continue their Official Darcy Tour, which included such highlights as The Chair That Darcy Left His Bum Imprint In, the Litterbin Containing An Apple That Darcy Ate Part Of, and Darcy’s Underwear Drawer, Elizabeth suddenly runs into… the Big D himself.
They have the kind of awkward conversation we’re all familiar with, which probably goes something like this:
Elizabeth: Oh… hey…
Darcy: Oh… sup?
Elizabeth: Er, not much.
Darcy: Yeah, me either.
[silence]
Elizabeth: Sorry I’m in your house. I thought you’d out of town.
Darcy: Yeah, so did I.
[Very long silence]
Elizabeth: Lol.
Darcy: Nice weather.
After this scintillating conversation, Elizabeth and party are cordially introduced to Darcy’s little sister, Georgiana, and a splendid time was had by all. And it turns out that Darcy’s actually quite a polite, friendly, normal guy, despite all the evidence to the contrary, so now Elizabeth sees nothing wrong with fantasizing about his awesome house and fabulous riches.
Okay, I just want to say one little, bitty thing before we move on. Last summary, we learned that Mr. Darcy’s first name is Fitzwilliam. FITZWILLIAM. I think I get why he acts like he’s got a wand up his bum in social situations. The poor guy gets flashbacks of being teased mercilessly for his first name. What do you call a bloke named Fitzwilliam? Fitzwilly? Fitzbill? I’d say it ‘fitz the bill’ for a generally lousy name all around.
But there’s trouble in paradise! (And no, the creepy housekeeper doesn’t try to murder Elizabeth in her sleep out of jealousy). Elizabeth gets a letter from Jane that informs her that their little sister, Lydia, eloped with Mr. Wickham while she was on her trip to Brighton.
Let me break this down: (A. We know Wickham’s an all-around loser and not a fantastic person, and that he once tried to seduce Mr. Darcy’s little sister. (B. Lydia is fifteen years old. Do you know what I was doing when I was fifteen? I was yelling ‘eww, cooties!’ whenever my hand brushed Tyrone’s, that’s what. And (C. And in the olden days when people wore unflattering empire waist gowns that made everyone look pregnant, you could be totally shunned from polite society for having such a screwed-up little sister, so this is definitely bad news. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth both feel stupid for not spreading around the news that Wolfg… I mean, Wickham, is thirty-one flavours of git, so Elizabeth goes home to be with her family, while her dad and uncle go searching for the devious little couple.
And Lydia tops it all off with a letter that says something like:
“HI, SPINSTER SISTERS! It’s me! You know, the pretty one? Anyway, I GOT ME A MAN! So long, suckaaaas! Sincerely, Lydia Bennet, soon to be Lydia Wickham (Shazaaaammm!) P.S. You’re single. Hahaha!
Oh, boy. Not that I’d want to compare Haley to a miserable creature like Lydia, but REALLY? These kinds of coincidences are not normal. I’m starting to suspect Jane Austen was a really unimaginative Seer. I wouldn’t put something like this past Jordan.