I’m getting married in the morning
Ding-dong, the bells are gonna chime.
Kick up a rumpus
But don’t lose the compass
And get me to the church
Get me to the church
For God’s sake, get me to the church on time!
-- “Get Me To The Church On Time,” from My Fair Lady
ONE WEEK LATER
Ohhhh man, Haley’s big day. I don’t know how she managed to plan out her dream wedding in just two months, but she did it, all right, and now it’s my job to describe every last sickening detail.
Because Haley and B.C. have a bunch of Muggle friends who haven’t got a clue that magic exists (see, Jordan, THAT’S how you do it!), they decided to hold their wedding at the little church in Godric’s Hollow, and then the reception in Uncle Harry and Aunt Ginny’s backyard”which meant everyone had to be on their best behavior and try to do as little magic as possible (although almost all of the preparations were done using magic, of course).
Apparently, Haley subscribes to the tradition of not letting the groom see the bride until the wedding, because she had the entire basement of the church quarantined as a ‘girls only’ zone. What the groomsmen were supposed to do before the ceremony, I have no idea, but as Maid of Honour, I had to descend to the dungeon of oestrogen.
But before I did, I had a little business to carry out.
“Hey, you’re late,” I said as the man I’d been waiting for walked calmly out of the coatroom. I knew he had Apparated into the coatroom, because he certainly hadn’t come in through the door, but as long as the Muggles were in the dark, no one was complaining.
“I am not late,” said Jordan. “My watch is perfectly accurate, so either yours is fast, or you didn’t even check yours and you feel like I’m late. But I never show up anywhere early if I can help it.”
“You don’t need to try and impress me,” I told him. “I’ve known you since you were in diapers and called me ‘Memmy.’ Listen, did you bring it?”
Jordan rolled his eyes. “Of course I did.” He handed me a small bag, which I quickly stuck inside my purse.
“And are you really sure you saw Wolfgang at the wedding in your vision?”
He rolled his eyes again, not an attractive habit. “Yes, Emma, they are visions, after all. I think I can tell the difference between them and ordinary dreams. And Wolfgang was certainly there. Of course, the irritating thing about visions is that they’re not always true, especially for someone as illogical and fickle as Wolfgang. Last night, the future might have included him turning up at the wedding, today it might not. I suggest you enjoy the wedding and put the sleuthing on hold for now.”
Oh boy, Jordan suggesting that someone else enjoy something. Now THERE was a new one. “Okay, take care, Jor-jums,” I said. “Try to have some fun yourself. I dare you to smile at least twice.”
He smiled, surprisingly sincerely. “Well, there’s one for you,” he informed me. “And let’s just say that I fully intend to have some fun, and leave it at that.” And with that, he strode off, whistling a very strange tune.
Guessing that was my cue to exit, I headed downstairs to the basement, which was a madhouse. Haley was locked away in the bathroom with her mother and some stylist lady, getting her hair and makeup perfected to their absolute best, a task that required ridiculous amounts of attention. The four other bridesmaids were all somewhere in the process of changing and getting made-up”Ivy, Tabitha, Giorgi, and some little Muggle confusingly named Georgia. I didn’t know her, except that she was involved in the whole theatre gig.
Haley had let us all choose any kind of dress and accessories we wanted, as long as our dresses were all the same specific shade of royal blue. I’m not sure, however, that was a wise decision, since Giorgi was one of the bridesmaids. The rest of us all looked reasonably classy, even the hilariously pregnant Ivy.
But Giorgi had decided to remodel her dress. She had apparently found a short little sleeveless dress, cut it in half, and stitched it back together with bright red yarn at a crooked angle, so that one half of the hemline was much shorter than the other. She’d also cut off one of the straps, so the other side dangled loose over her shoulder, and stitched big black, white, and pink buttons down the middle. Her tights were bright yellow with orange polka dots, and she wore knee-high purple leather platform boots. Her earrings today were little dolls shaped like a bride and a groom, and she wore a giant green ribbon tied in a bow around her neck and a red fedora topped with fake flowers. For some reason, nobody else seemed upset by this.
“Hey, Ivy,” I said, trying to find room in front of the single mirror to apply my makeup, “Isn’t this weird for you? Since you got married here and all?”
She stuck the last pin into her hair. “Yeah, I guess it is,” she said. “But that was more than five years ago. And the whole thing was a lot… quieter.” She smiled. “I really can’t wait for all of the surprises Haley’s going to throw into this. You know she can’t resist putting on a show.”
There was a loud, ominous bang from inside the restroom, along with a shriek of, “WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO UGLY TODAY?”
I laughed. “She is a bit of a diva, yeah. I seem to remember you were a little high-strung at your wedding, too.” Of course she wasn’t as theatrical about it as Haley, but she was nervous. She was shaking so bad I thought she would fall over, and I seem to remember that despite the makeup, she was a nasty shade of greenish. “If I hadn’t known any better, I’d have thought you were going to make a break for your house and not get married after all.”
“I just hate being the centre of attention, you know that,” she replied. “Of course, I’m getting used to it now, since perfect strangers are always coming up to me and touching my stomach and asking me about the baby.”
I shuddered. “Reason 942 why I am never having kids,” I said. “I’d just smack them across the face and tell them to mind their own dang business.”
“Your kids, or the people asking about them?” Ivy asked with a perfectly straight face. She started to powder her face, something she didn’t need to do with her flawless never-been-out-in-the-sunlight white complexion, but apparently did so that the rest of us putting on makeup wouldn’t feel bad. “Ted was even more nervous than I was, though. You know how he always was, making sure everyone was happy. If things didn’t go perfectly, he’d never get over it. I barely saw him that day, he was so busy making all the guests comfortable.”
I noted her careful use of the past tense in talking about Ted. Slowly but surely, she was really beginning to accept that there was little point in waiting up for Ted to come back. “I didn’t know Ted could get stressed out,” I said. “I thought he was ninety-nine percent pure ray of sunshine, one percent dog breath.”
Now the smile disappeared from her face entirely. “You have no idea,” she said. “The night before he left… he was in a state. He cried all night long. I promised him I’d stay up with him the whole night.”
I had no idea what to say to something like this”it was like a peek into a terrifying alternate world where Jordan was stupid and Tyrone was shy and reserved and I was tactful. So I looked away and mumbled, “Sounds like you know all about being a mum already, then.”
I hung around the corner reading Pride and Prejudice and listening to Haley’s periodic outbursts for the next twenty or so minutes, until it was finally time for our ranks to assemble formation at the back of the church and get this thing over with.
“Man, this is weird, having someone besides me playing the piano in here,” remarked B.C., straightening his tie as he prepared to walk in. “I’ve played the piano and organ at this church for three years now…He’s good, isn’t he?”
The mystery man at the keyboard switched from whatever dull, generic background music he’d been playing to what was distinctly the title song from “Beauty and the Beast.” Personally, I thought that was a bit insulting to B.C., but it sounded pretty, and he and Tyrone did some weird, complicated secret handshake and set off down the aisle.
B.C.’s waistcoat and tie were the same shade of royal blue as all of the bridesmaids’ dresses, while Tyrone and all the other groomsmen had on bright pink waistcoats and bowties. Somehow, Tyrone made it work for him. It was a compromise based on the fact that blue was B.C.’s favorite color, pink was Haley’s, and I wasn’t going to be caught dead wearing a bubblegum pink dress. This meant that the colour scheme looked more like a baby shower than a wedding, but that was probably appropriate, since Ivy looked like she was about to give birth right there.
Next came the other men in pink, Jordan, Anatoly, and two blokes I’d never met named Douglas and Sebastian”I think one of them was in the musical with Haley, but I’m not sure which one”and after them, the bridesmaids walked down the aisle. I had to admit, it was really jarring and strange to be at Haley’s wedding without Ted there to drastically throw off the average height of the groomsmen. For a moment, I felt a lump in my throat… but I guess that was normal for a wedding.
Next came little Holly and Jonathan Potter. Normally, Holly would’ve been the flower girl and Jonathan the ring bearer, but because Jonathan was so absent-minded, Haley had decided it might be a smarter idea to entrust Holly with the expensive rings and let Jonathan scatter flower petals wherever he wanted.
And then it was my turn. I wish I didn’t have to walk down the whole aisle alone. It seemed so long and weird, with that sappy music playing in the background, and I couldn’t help staring into Tyrone’s eyes as he waited at the altar. It felt way too much like it was my own wedding, and I had to look down and remind myself that I wasn’t wearing white. Finally, I reached the front and took my place at the altar. Now there was just room for one more person…
The doors”which I hadn’t noticed anyone closing”flew open, and all of a sudden, the organ blared a sinister chord.
“DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN, DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN DUUUUUUN!”
Oh. My. Godric. Haley was actually walking down the aisle to the Phantom of the Opera theme song. That crazy, crazy girl. Accompanied by this evil-sounding soundtrack, Haley floated serenely down the aisle, a very smart-looking Uncle Harry by her side.
You would’ve thought that someone like Haley would have wanted a massive fluffy gown to wear for her big day, the more fairy tale princess-like the better. But instead, her dress was a close-fitting, sleek strapless number that hugged every square inch of her body and made her look much less like the twelve-year-old she normally resembled, flowing out mermaidishly below the knees. She had on a tiny pink pillbox hat with a little netted veil, and her hair was pinned up except for a few little curls. Her shoes were bright pink with tiny bows on them and her pink toenails peeping through, and she was carrying a bouquet of pink zinnias, her favorite flowers. Makeup expert that she was, she’d never looked prettier or more elegant, and the giant smile on her face certainly helped. If I were a Seer like Jordan, I probably would’ve started to describe the way her aura leaped and shimmered around her, but luckily, I’m not.
“Dearly beloved,” began the vicar, stepping forward as Haley joined B.C. and squeezed his hand. “We have come together to witness the marriage of Harriet-Lily Potter and Beowulf Caspar Friedrich Apollion Brandon Quinn””
I saw my dad and Uncle Harry fighting to hold back laughter in the audience. There was a long string of drivel about the nature of marriage and its purpose, and I looked over at Tyrone, wondering if he was thinking of The Princess Bride too. If you’ve seen the film, you know why. If not, there’s really no point in me explaining.
My feet were really starting to hurt in those stupid, pretty shoes I’d decided to wear, and the vicar decided to keep talking for an eternity. He asked B.C. if he was interested in the idea of taking Haley for various purposes, and vice versa, and then he asked Haley the same questions, and both of them said they would, as planned.
And then the vicar said, “Harriet-Lily and Beowulf Caspar, I now invite you to join hands and make your vows, in the presence of God and his people.” And all of a sudden, the pianist started playing again some thunderously sappy music, and Haley and B.C. suddenly produced microphones from where they’d been cleverly hidden inside potted plants.
“From this day on, I give myself to you,” sang B.C. Oh man… they were actually singing their vows.
“Here in my arms, you will be free.
I only want you as you are
Give me your trust
Grow old with me.”
An artful tear ran down Haley’s cheek, over her waterproof mascara, as she sang,
“I promise you to cherish and to hold
Now and as long as we both live
I'll make you laugh, I'll keep you warm
There is so much I want to give.”
And then they broke into harmony:
“You are my home
You make me strong
And in this world of strangers
I belong to someone
You are all I know
You're all I have
I won't let go.”
The song went on, through several dramatic key-changes and harmonies, and I couldn’t help but feel a little bit like I was intruding on a private moment, as though I was in a musical and I was supposed to know the words to the song. I think I recognized the tune”unless I was mistaken, it was from a musical called The Scarlet Pimpernel that Haley used to be obsessed with”but I doubt it was ever used as actual wedding vows before. There was more to the ceremony, of course, all of the speeches and the business of trading rings, and a frankly embarrassing kiss. I wished Ivy wouldn’t cry so much. I think it was contagious.
When the whole business was over with, we left the church with a rousing organ rendition of “All You Need Is Love” by the Beatles playing behind us, reason enough for me to high-tail it out of there. At Haley’s request, we all threw glitter at her instead of rice, which I thought was a terrible idea”glitter is like acne. The more to try to get it off of you, the worse it gets, so all of us wedding guests would be picking glitter off of ourselves for the next millennium.
“All right, everyone! This way to the party!” screamed Haley, hiking up her skirt and skipping backward, waving her arm toward the vicinity of her parents’ house, which was right across the street.
Now, this was what I’d been looking forward to, the real reason why people still hold weddings anymore. The Potters’ backyard looked spectacular. There was a giant golden tent set up, with all of the typical magical decorations”a waterfall, flocks of tiny golden non-pooping birds, flowers, bubbles, everything that would thoroughly perplex the Muggles. Instead of long formal tables, there were lots of little stations where people could grab food and drink at will, and cozy little chairs scattered about in clusters.
A band called He’s The Prime Minister was setting up”more friends of B.C.’s, presumably”and most importantly, there was a chocolate fountain!
I made a beeline toward it, gazing rapturously at the cubes of pound cake, strawberries, and marshmallows lying seductively around the fountain, but first, Uncle Harry climbed up onto the stage, looking a bit uncomfortable.
“Oh great, speeches,” I muttered, plopping down next to Tyrone. “Here, make sure I don’t fall asleep, I want to make sure I’m the first person to put the chocolate fountain to use.”
Tyrone gave me one of the weirdest smiles I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Anatoly’s. “I dunno, I doubt you’ll fall asleep during this speech,” he remarked.
Uncle Harry picked up a microphone, which promptly squealed loudly like a stuck pig. He jumped back a little, which only made the squealing worse. “Er, hi…” he said. “I’m no good at public speaking… I mean, I don’t much fancy attention”whatever the press might tell you. Well, I’m Haley’s dad, and I just want to say, I’m so proud of both of you, Haley and B.C., and everyone who helped make all this happen. I remember when I got married, I felt sad that my parents couldn’t be there to see it. And then, when my father-in-law got up to make the toast, he wanted me to come up with him to officially welcome me into the family. And I never forgot that. So, B.C., can you come up here and make me feel less embarrassed doing all this on my own?”
Aww. Uncle Harry is so cute sometimes. And I guess he saw himself a bit in B.C., with no parents or family to celebrate his wedding with him. B.C. got up and made his way up to the stage, his head bowed meekly. “You can call me ‘Wolfie’ now, I guess,” he said. “My wife seems dead-set on that nickname, so I might as well get used to it.”
“When she’s not calling you Panda Bear!” I screamed out, to a flurry of cheers and whistles from the assembled party.
“Right, well I think I’m supposed to make a toast and get this over with,” said Harry. “Haley and B.C., I know you’re going to be happy together, and I can’t imagine a better man to take my daughter off my hands.” He held up his glass. “Here’s to prosperity!”
B.C. held up his. “Our good health and happiness!”
“And most important…” said Harry. All of a sudden, the band played a chord and Harry”Uncle Harry, of all people, one of the least-musical men in the entire word”sang in a somewhat off-key shouty voice, “To life, to life, l’chaim!”
“L’chaim, l’chaim to life!” sang B.C.
“I don’t believe this, this is from Fiddler on the Roof!” I hissed to Tyrone. “They’re not even Jewish!”
“Here’s to the father I’ve tried to be,” sang Harry.
“Here’s to my bride-to-be,” sang B.C.
They threw their arms around one another’s shoulders. “Drink l’chaim to life! To life, l’chaim! L’chaim, l’chaim, to life!”
They continued the song, the audience hooting and clapping along in rhythm, until suddenly, B.C. called, “Reb. Anatoly! Drinks for everyone!”
“What’s the occasion?” shouted Anatoly, vaulting up onto the stage.
“I’m taking myself a bride!” replied B.C.
“Who?”
“Harry’s eldest, Haley!”
“MAZELTOV!” screamed a terrifying number of voices, and Anatoly, B.C.’s chums Douglas and Sebastian, and JORDAN FLIPPIN’ POTTER ran up to join them onstage and sang:
“To B.C. Quinn, to Harry!
To Haley, your daughter
Your wife!
May all your futures be pleasant ones
Not like our present ones.
Drink l’chaim to life
To life, l’chaim.
L’chaim, l’chaim to life.
It takes a wedding to make us say
Let’s live another day
Drink l’chaim to life!”
And all of a sudden, they broke out into a wild, choreographed dance, spinning and leaping about with surprising dexterity and singing, “Dai-dai-dai-dai-dai-dai-dai-dai-dai!”
“Will you look at that, Tyrone? That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever s”"
But Tyrone had mysteriously vanished into thin ai…
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!” belted a terrifyingly loud, powerful, and high voice. It was Tyrone. Of course it was. He had leapt onto the table, his arms spread wide. Slowly, he inched his way down the table, snapping and singing an eerie tune in Russian and gradually picking up steam.
“Za-va-scha-zarovia
Heaven bless you both, nastrovia!
To your health and may we
Live together in peaccceee!”
He joined the group of men onstage in their wild dance.
“May you both be favored with the future of your choice.
May you live to see a thousand reasons to rejoice.
Za-va-scha-zarovia
Heaven bless you both, nastrovia!
To your health and may we
Live together in peaccceee!”
The room went dead silent. When we all thought they were done and a weak smattering of confused applause began… the boys broke into a kickline!
“We’ll… raise… a… glass!
And sip a drop of Schnapps
In honour of the great good luck that favored you!
We know that when good fortune favors two such men
It stands to reason we deserve it too!
To us, and our good fortune!
Be happy, be healthy, long life!
And if our good fortune never comes
Here’s to whatever comes.
Drink l’chaaaaaaaiiiiiiimmmmmm… TO LIFE!”
“TO LIFE!” exclaimed B.C., popping the cork on a bottle of champagne.
The entire partly jumped to their feet, roaring in thunderous applause. Even I couldn’t help it. As foolish and ridiculous as the men all looked, especially given the very limited singing abilities of several of them, it was one of the most adorable, flat-out awesome things I’d seen in a long time. And I have no idea how they all managed to learn the lyrics and choreography.
Apparently, Haley was just as astonished as I was. She ran up onto the stage, snatched B.C.’s mic, gave him a theatrical fake-slap across the cheek, and declared, “Mr. Quinn, how dare you upstage me with that shocking display when I’m playing the role of a lifetime? And the rest of you gits, how could you go behind my back and do something like that without telling me? You’re all brilliant, especially you, Daddy. And Jordan, you’re the worst dancer in the world! I love you all!” And with that, she flounced back to her seat, yelling, “Let’s eat, already!”
The chocolate fountain was waiting for me. I put it out of its misery.
As I finally parted ways with the delightful chocolate fountain and nibbled at a few questionable items that included much-too-pink shrimp on crackers (guiltily feeling like I should eat SOMETHING non-desserty) Tyrone got up to make his toast.
“Hey, I’ll be a bit shorter with this toast”sorry, no song and dance in this one”but I’m Ty, the best man, I’m pretty sure you gathered. I’m lucky B.C.’s my brother. I never thought when my dad started dating Elsa Quinn seven years ago that one day, her nancy-boy musician son would be one of the best friends I’ve ever had, but here we are. But guess what, B.C.? I have a surprise for you. That wife of yours was my date to the Valentine’s Day Ball when we were thirteen years old. That’s right, bro, you got my sloppy seconds. But seriously, Haley, I’ve thought of you as a little sister for years now, even before I met B.C., and I think it’s awesome that you’re part of the family now. I will never forget the first time I met Haley. I was getting on the Hogwarts Express as a first year”I didn’t know anyone, and I had no idea what I was doing, and I was really scared. Then, I saw this tiny, shrimpy little girl”she was half my size even then, I could hardly believe she was old enough to go to Hogwarts”she got knocked over and trampled by some older kids, so I went to help her up, and I was yelling, ‘Are you okay?’ But by the time I got there, she was already on her feet, cheery as ever, and she goes, ‘Don’t worry, I’m invincible,’ and skips away. So even then, she was totally out of her mind. Which explains why she picked B.C. over me.” He raised his glass. “To the Quinns!” he roared.
We really are all family now, I thought. I’m Haley and Jordan’s cousin, Ivy’s their adopted sister, Ted’s their brother-in-law, and now Haley’s Tyrone’s sister-in-law. The Weasley family is slowly but surely taking over the wizarding world. For some reason, the idea delighted me way too much… and I felt strangely proud of Tyrone as he gave his speech, like I was his mum or something. Definitely creepy.
As I gave up trying to eat non-chocolate food, Tyrone wandered over toward me. “Hey,” he said, tapping me on my left shoulder in a misguided attempt to trick me (although I could tell from his voice that he was actually standing to my right). “Did I do okay?”
“Your speech was a lot better than your singing,” I told him sweetly. “How did you guys learn that mad dance routine, anyway?”
“Musicians’ bachelor parties are weird. Hey, look, they’re cutting the cake!”
They certainly were. They actually had three cakes, a normal white one, a red velvet one (my favorite!), and a strawberry one, and needless to say, Haley picked the pinkest of the three for their symbolic first slice, which they proceeded to shove into one another’s faces.
“When I get married,” said Tyrone, “I’m having a double chocolate cake with Bavarian cream inside it. Also, the whole wedding’s going to be inside the Chudley Cannons stadium. And we’re saying our vows in midair, on our brooms. My pet giraffe can be the ring bearer”I don’t have one yet, but I will.”
I laughed. “Good luck with that,” I said. “Me, I’m never getting married, but if I were, I’d definitely want a giraffe there, too.”
Tyrone’s eyebrows did that “TWING” thing they were so good at. “What do you mean, you’re not getting married? Who would want to be alone their whole life?”
“Come on, I’m Emma Weasley!” I exclaimed. “Anyone who’d want to marry me is stark raving mad! And I won’t be alone”I have Haley and B.C. and Jordan and Ivy… and you… and other people.”
Before either of us could contribute anything to this increasingly awkward conversation, I heard a voice behind me say, “Whoa, Emma. Long time, no see.”
I turned around to see a tall man with extremely thick eyebrows and a purple tie. Oh, no. Oh, man. Oh, Merlin’s pants…
“Terrence!” I spluttered. “I didn’t expect to see you here!”
It was the Ishfriend. The most awkward quasi-relationship of my life. The seemingly cool man that I dated for two days before he suddenly became unbearably, pathologically clingy and mushy.
“Yeah, I was a friend of Haley’s before we met, remember?” he said, smiling uncomfortably. “So, who’s this then?” he asked, nodding over at Tyrone as though he was blind, deaf, and mute.
Tyrone stuck out his hand to shake Terrence’s. “I’m Tyrone Thomas,” he said in his deepest, most Tyronical voice. “From the Chudley Cannons?”
“Sorry, I don’t follow Quidditch,” Terrence replied loudly, but he went a shade or four paler. He had certainly heard the name Tyrone Thomas before”from my tales of my scumbag ex. “So… are you… together, then?”
“We’re… ish,” I said.
Terrence inhaled deeply. “Ah. Right. Cool. Fine. Great,” stammered the Great Ish himself. “Well… I hope you’ll be…happy…ish.” And with that, he stalked away, looking like he wanted to kick some babies.
Once he was gone, Tyrone turned to me, brows raised in prelude what was definitely about to be an unbearably smug one-liner.
“Oh shut up,” I said, shoving his face away. “Listen, I want to look for someone… friend of mine. I heard he’d be here, and I wanna see if he’s turned up yet. I’ll see you in a bit.”
“All right, but if I catch you snogging Terrence, never, ever talk to me again,” said Tyrone. “It would really wreck my reputation.”
I walked off, glancing around the tent. Where was Wolfgang? If he was going to crash this party, he should’ve showed up already. It seemed unlikely that he had already shown up and I’d missed him”it was not like Wolfgang to keep a low profile. Then again, he was rarely predictable in any sense. Trying to be inconspicuous, I made a full circle around the whole tent, smiling and nodding and saying ‘hi’ to every acquaintance I passed, though I took care to avoid Terrence when I walked by him again. But nothing”no sign of Wolfgang, neither hide nor hair of him”which was good, because if he went around leaving clumps of his hair all over the place, that would be disgusting.
As I came back round full circle, I saw Anatoly sitting by himself in the corner, making balloon animals. It was always a bit strange to see him doing anything other than telling tall tales with extravagant hand gestures, and he resembled an unfortunate-looking child sitting there alone.
“Here, take a lemur on me and go away,” he said, thrusting a balloon lemur at me. He seemed slightly drunk.
Haley and B.C. had just begun their first dance, to the not-very-original choice of “Your Song”, and almost everyone else was clustered around, watching. But right now, I just felt like hanging out alone in a corner as well. “Elton John and Broadway,” I scoffed. “Are you sure this bloke’s interested in women?”
“You wouldn’t be the first to make that mistake,” Anatoly chortled, twisting one of his balloons. “Guess this is what Haley sees in him, eh? Someone whose interests are nearly as girly as hers.” He laughed for about eight seconds too long.
I squinted at him. “Are you okay, man?” I asked carefully.
He laughed again, wildly. “Me? Oh, I’m peachy. Superb. Fine and dandy to the extreme. I feel just as wonderful as a man’s expected to feel when one of his best friends gets married to someone he’s been in love with for years. You?”
I nearly spat out my drink. “I never thought…”
“No, I never thought you thought,” said Anatoly. “Thinking doesn’t really seem up your alley, does it? I don’t know why you’re talking to me. We hate each other, remember? I always thought your hair was ugly, by the way.”
Suddenly, I kind of liked Anatoly, for the first time ever. Maybe it was because he actually seemed sincere for once. “Thanks, I always thought yours was, too.”
“You know, I don’t always agree with what Haley likes,” proclaimed Anatoly, “but I know why she likes what she likes. I know why she likes you. And I know why she likes me. She keeps us around to snark about all of the things she likes while we secretly love them. And I don’t like you because that’s my job. There’s only room for one clown in this town.”
Now it was my turn to laugh. “That doesn’t even make sense.”
“Neither does ninety percent of the rest of what I say, under scrutiny. It just sounds pretty!” he informed me, getting to his feet and spreading his arms wide. He pirouetted like a ballerina. “Because every princess needs a court jester, you know! Bright, but shallow. Like a puddle of sunshine!”
Oh, great, now he was lapsing into that again. “Well, I’ll tell you why I don’t like you,” I said. “And it’s not for the same reason. It’s because you’re the fakest person in the entire world. You think you’re so darn charming, don’t you, Capshaw?”
“Fakest person in the entire world? Well, I do declare, how dare you?” Anatoly’s nose was almost touching mine. “If that isn’t the porcupine calling the pencil pointy? You think just because you say, rude, insulting things to people, that means you’re honest?”
I wanted to make some kind of barbed retort, but Anatoly twirled around again and leaped out of the room. Following him wasn’t worth it.
I
sighed. Midway through dancing to “Your Song,” the music had suddenly switched into the ear-splittingly annoying “Crocodile Rock,” and Haley and B.C. were doing some kind of zany choreographed dance that involved a lot of jumping around and clapping. They were so darn cute. Everything they did was cute. I hoped things stayed that way. If they went the way of Ivy and Ted, I might have to jump off a cliff.
“Everyone, join on in!” screamed Haley, beckoning to the crowds.
For a moment, everyone hung back, not too keen on being the first people to join the dance floor. Finally, Jordan marched onto the dance floor and extended his hand, and Giorgi came flying out of the crowds and plowed into him, practically knocking him over. “LET’S DO THIS THING!” she yelled, and they started dancing like maniacs. It was hard to determine whose sense of rhythm and grace was worse, since they were both pretty terrible, but they both looked like they were having a lot of fun, not something that happened all that often with Jordan. He had the best smile of anyone I knew… well, with the possible exception of Tyrone Thomas.
Suddenly feeling madly in love with everyone I knew there, I ran into the group surrounding the dance floor, located Tyrone, grabbed his hand, and pulled him out onto the floor. He beamed down at me. “Just in time, I was just about to go looking for you!” And then he pulled me close, and we were silent as I wrapped my arms around him.
As the dance floor filled up with people and my nostrils filled up with that distinctive Tyroney smell, I nestled my chin into his shoulder, remembering the last time we’d danced together. It had been at the fundraiser for B.C. and Anatoly’s musical, back before I knew there was anything at all going on between my sister and the master composer himself. That dance was one of the weirdest moments of my life, with deep-seated loathing and sexual tension French-braiding themselves into little tangles around both of us. It seemed so long ago. It was hard to believe that it had really only been five months. And my date to that shindig had been Wolfgang, of all people…
“Hey, mind if I cut in?” said a friendly, casual voice from behind me. I turned around, and there, standing right behind me on the dance floor as if nothing was amiss, was Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart Dionysus Willoughby Quinn of all people, in the flesh.
For someone who’d gone completely missing from society for two months, he looked clean, dapper, and dashing as always, his hair the same fastidious buttercup shape as ever.
“
Yeah, I do,” I said. Tyrone opened his mouth angrily, but I held up a finger and mouthed ‘I’ve got this.’ I turned back to Wolfgang. “Listen, step off the dance floor, we need to talk.”
He smiled his usual charming, open smile, as though nothing ever happened. “Yeah, sure, okay,” he said. “Godric, it’s been forever. How are you?”
“Fabulous,” I replied darkly. “You always were late to these things, weren’t you?”
The smile faded from his face. “I wasn’t even invited, would you believe it? My own brother didn’t tell me he was getting married. I had to find out from Gregg, the Cannons’ Seeker. I can’t believe B.C. would do something like that to me.” He shrugged. “Ah, well, now that he doesn’t need to borrow any money from me, I guess there’s no point in talking to his little bro anymore, is there? Call me a sap, but I just had to turn up, you know?”
I did know. I understood perfectly. “So how have you been?” I asked in my most polite, interested voice.
He hesitated for a moment. “Never better. Quidditch season’s over, so I’ve been doing whatever lately, you know? Here and there, traveling and stuff. Seeing the world.” His expression turned cloudy again. “Listen, Emma, I saw you dancing with Tyrone. Why on earth would you do that? You know as well as I do that he’s the biggest git this side of the Prime Meridian. I know I haven’t seen you in a while, but don’t tell me you went insane since the last time we hung out?”
Well, if that isn’t the porcupine calling the pencil pointy! crowed Anatoly’s voice in the back of my head.
“
Well, basically, Tyrone happens to be the coolest person in the world,” I explained calmly. “What’s the problem?”
“What’s the problem?” squawked Wolfgang, getting all worked up now. “What’s the problem? Emma, you’re gonna be an Auror. I thought you of all people would know better than to buy his lies. I came here because of you, Emma. Because I never got to tell you… I’m in love with you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else. I had to see you, so I could ask you… will you marry me?” He dropped down to the ground and pulled a shockingly expensive-looking diamond ring out of his pocket.
Oh. My. God. His voice had steadily risen to a full-out yell, and people were staring. Some of them, who apparently didn’t know either of us very well, were whooping and cheering, but the rest stood in stony silence.
So this was to be a performance. I’d hoped to be more subtle about it, but maybe an audience of witnesses would help. “I’ll think about it,” I said soothingly. “But I think we should get to know each other better first, though. This isn’t a ‘no.’ It’s a ‘let’s answer this question in a few months.’”
“BUT I WANT YOU NOW!” screamed Wolfgang. He placed one hand roughly on my waist, the other on my cheek, and wrenched me toward him. “You don’t understand, it’s like I’m dying without you!” There were tears forming in those big green eyes of his, starting to splash down his cheeks.
“Calm down, Wolfgang,” I said. “Here, have a drink, and let’s talk about this like civilized people.” I poured him a glass of champagne and quietly popped open the tiny bottle I had hidden in my palm. I patted him on the back and handed him the drink. “Come on, drink up. You’ll feel a lot better.”
He swallowed the glass in one and greedily handed it back to me for more. Then suddenly, his eyes went blank and his head snapped back.
“Better, huh?” I said. “Now, let’s chat. Are you a werewolf?”
“No, I am not,” he said in a strange, flat voice. “I hate werewolves. I can’t stand them. When I see a werewolf, I kill it. I get paid for it, too.”
I blinked, reeling like a fishing rod. Thanks to the Veritaserum I’d sneaked into his drink, he couldn’t help but tell the truth for the first time in his life. But the truth was not what I’d expected. B.C. had been right after all. “You’re a werewolf hunter, then?”
“Yeah, I’m the best one out there. I think I’ve killed twenty-three. When you told me about your werewolf pal out at the wild colony, I went out there and raided the place.”
How had I been so stupid? I told Wolfgang about that colony, and just a few days later, the place was destroyed. Innocent people had died because of me… Ted might have died because of me.
“Why?” I demanded, my voice shaking. I couldn’t play nice anymore.
“I… don’t know,” he said blankly. “It’s fun. It’s something to do.”
I wanted to rip him apart and feed the shreds to werewolves, but I managed to restrain myself. “But your scars”the scars down your chest… they look like they’re from a werewolf,” I stammered.
“Yes, they are. But not from a werewolf’s teeth”from its claws. My mum loved werewolves. She was from Germany, where they’re way more common. Her parents and one of her brothers were all werewolves. When she moved to Britain, she didn’t like how people treated werewolves. She did all kinds of charity work with them. One day, she had a werewolf couple over for dinner, and they forgot to take their potion. They mauled my father and me. I barely made it. He died.”
I took all of this in. “Is… that why you hate werewolves so much?” I asked.
"Partly, yes,” said Wolfgang. “But it’s not as important as I tell people it was. I like to try to give a reason. I don’t mind that they killed my father. He was nicer to me than anyone else, but I never really loved him. I never really loved anyone. Sometimes I think I do, but I’m always wrong.”
I stared at him, looking deep into those round, childish eyes of his, that open, almost femininely pretty face. I felt… sorry for him, I really did. There were times when I wished I didn’t have to feel, when I wished I could go without feeling guilt, or love, or self-consciousness, or doubt, or shame, or obligation. It would be so much easier. But as much as people teased me about having no conscience, Wolfgang really had none. He was a real live sociopath. His life was pitiful and empty, and he didn’t even know it.
“Wolfgang Quinn, you are under arrest,” said a man’s voice behind me. It was my Uncle Harry, stepping forward with his Auror’s badge in hand. The room broke into applause as he calmly stunned Wolfgang and murmured, “Levicorpus,” leaving his body suspended eerily off the ground. “I’ll take him down to the Ministry,” he said. “Sorry to kill the party. Everything will be just fine.”
As he vanished into the air, I collapsed into a chair and burst into tears. Tyrone rushed forward and sat down next to me, squeezing my hand. “It’s okay, Em, that was really brave. I can’t believe you pulled that off. You gave him Veritaserum, didn’t you?”
“Yeah,” I sniffed, feeling my makeup turn really ugly, really fast. I had held back tears so well, so many times, but there were a million feelings crashing down on me, everything that Wolfgang couldn’t feel. I felt like I hadn’t slept in hundreds of years. “Tyrone… all those werewolves… they died because of me.”
“No, they didn’t,” he said firmly. “They died ‘cos of Wolfgang and his stupid friends.” He hugged me, his warm, solid body almost calming down my shivering, but not quite.
“But I thought… I thought you said he was a werewolf?” I stammered.
Tyrone shook his head. “No, Em, I was pretty sure from the start he was a werewolf hunter”and I thought you thought he was one, too. I guess we just didn’t understand each other”but it doesn’t matter now, he’s still an idiot either way.”
I hugged him even tighter. “You know,” I whispered, “I really meant what I said about you being the coolest person in the world.” Sighing, I stood up, relinquishing my hold on him, and adjusted my dress so that it didn’t look as though my chest was fighting to escape from it. Pulling myself together was probably a good idea.
Tyrone took my hand. “Well, you’re in the top ten, far as I’m concerned.”
We were both quiet for a few minutes, listening to the music still blaring in the background. It was a song I’d never heard before, a bouncy, upbeat tune that seemed weirdly incongruous with the mood.
“What do you say we dance some more?” suggested Tyrone. “Might stop everyone standing around looking ridiculous.”
I smiled weakly. “Please.”
By the time an hour had passed, things had almost returned to normal, except for my mood. I could tell B.C. was not quite himself, but whether he was happy or sad about Wolfgang’s arrest, I couldn’t tell. I suspected that he wasn’t really sure, himself.
I was sitting down, taking another crack at the chocolate fountain as Tyrone danced with Haley, when my dad plopped down next to me.
“Hey Emster,” he said, clapping me on the back. Up close, he looked extremely tired, his hair much greyer than I expected. “This is a crazy day, isn’t it?”
I nodded. “In every way, yeah. I can’t believe Uncle Harry sang and danced in front of everyone.”
My dad grinned. “Yeah, he’ll never live that one down. But… Emma…” His voice turned serious, and I realized he wasn’t just here for a chat. “Listen, that Veritaserum you gave Wolfgang”that was brilliant and everything, but it’s also illegal. Veritaserum’s a controlled substance. Where did you get that stuff?”
“I didn’t get it anywhere dodgy. Jordan made it for me,” I protested. “And besides, it was the only way to get Wolfgang to admit the truth. He never would’ve gotten arrested, otherwise.”
“I know. Listen, if you were a full Auror, you’d be a hero. I know how much you want to be an Auror, really. But here’s what I’m thinking”the official story is, it was my idea, and I gave you the Veritaserum to put in his cup. That way, you won’t get in trouble. Everyone here knows it was all you, but just to see things go smoothly, I think I should take the credit for this one.”
“Be my guest,” I mumbled. “Go on ahead.” I couldn’t believe my dad thought I’d care about who took credit for Wolfgang’s capture. That was the last thing I was worried about.
I watched dimly as B.C. and Haley walked to the centre of the dance floor once more, and B.C. announced, “Thank you so much for coming, everyone. It means a lot to us. Now, my bride and I should get going, or we’ll never make it on time to our evening performance of our show”no, I’m not joking. We’re really that insane. But before we leave, there’s something we need to do.”
“If you sing the ‘so long, farewell’ song, I might puke!” I called out.
B.C. smiled. “No, not even I would subject my guests to that. Nope, what we have to do is toss the garter and the bouquet!”
Amid cheers from the audience, Haley called, “Ladies over here, gentlemen over here!” She gestured around the room as she sat down theatrically in her best diva pose. “Okay, Wolfie, it’s all yours,” she said coyly, extending her leg.
There were more hoots and catcalls as B.C. slid Haley’s garter off of her leg and held it up”of course, it was bright pink. “Who’s the lucky man, then? Besides me, of course.” B.C. winked, wound up his arm, and tossed the garter into the throng of men.
Jordan, master Seeker that he was, seemed poised like a panther to catch it, closely following its trajectory… but at the last second, Tyrone jumped out of nowhere, knocked into him, shoved him out of the way, and snatched the garter, holding it aloft triumphantly.
“YESSSSS!” he roared. “Looks like I’m gonna be the next one married! I guess I should go buy that giraffe now, huh?”
Jordan rubbed his shoulder, looking vastly irritated and not at all amused. “You don’t need to take this so seriously, Tyrone. You’re ruining it for everyone else.”
“That’s what everyone wanted to say to you every single day at Hogwarts. Payback, methinks, was in order!” declared Anatoly, poking Jordan in the chest.
Ooh, wow. This meant everything all the more complicated. I’d been banking on Jordan catching the garter. My plan had involved grabbing the bouquet and taunting Tyrone about it, but now there was no way. But I couldn’t look like I wasn’t even trying to get the bouquet”then it would look like I was sensitive about what people might say about me and Tyrone… which was, of course, true…
As Haley flung her bouquet of zinnias, Giorgi, taller than any human woman had the right to be, scrambled to the front of the cluster, looking as desperate as a starving madwoman. But apparently, Haley’s aim was even more horrendous than anyone had predicted, because the bundle fell short, and little Holly Potter caught it.
“What am I supposed to do with this, then?” she asked flatly, handing the bouquet back to her sister and zipping away to torment her twin brother some more.
I shook my head. “Well, Giorgi,” I said gravely, “looks like neither one of us is getting married for a long, long time.”
When I got home from the wedding, I hurled my shoes against the wall and flopped down onto the sofa, massaging my feet. Let’s see… change into my pajamas, make myself a nice hot cup of cocoa, snuggle under a blanket and read Pride and Prejudice and listen to music without thinking too much… it sounded like a good idea to me.
But just as I was starting to get comfortable, there were two loud, sharp knocks at the door, like gunshots. Groaning, I got to my aching feet and pulled open the door.
Out of all of the faces in the world, the face glaring back at me was one of the last I had ever expected to see, somewhere between Lord Voldemort and Darth Maul.
“Miss Weasley,” snarled Henderson Vaultz, stepping directly past me and into my house. He strode down the hall and into the living room, sitting straight-backed in MY CHAIR. MY BLOODY CHAIR.
I hurried after him, hiding some of the clutter and two of my bras under a blanket. “Erm… sir… why… that is… why are you here, sir?”
He looked up at me from under his thin, pointy eyebrows, those icy eyes doing an excellent job of scaring the poop out of me (luckily, not literally). “Miss Weasley, I have heard some rather unusual and shocking rumors in regards to you and a certain member of my Quidditch team. While your performance has been exemplary since returning from suspension, I have been told that””
“If this is about Wolfgang Quinn’s arrest,” I began, “My dad was the one who g””
“Enough of this nonsense!” barked Vaultz, making a violent motion with his hand that almost knocked over one of the ceramic kittens that Haley had left behind. “Are you or are you not currently Tyrone Thomas’ girlfriend?”
I felt as though he had kicked me squarely in the chest. “No,” I said in a small, hard voice. “I’m not.”
“Do you swear you will never become Tyrone Thomas’ girlfriend?”
I gaped at him. “No way!” I exclaimed. “With all due respect, sir. You may be my boss, but you’re not in charge of my entire life. I won’t see Tyrone again for the rest of my time on the job, I promise”I know, I know, it wouldn’t be professional”but you can’t dictate what I want to do after that.”
Vaultz’s eyes narrowed. “How dare you speak to me with such disrespect?”
“If you want to hire Auror trainees to protect your precious stadium, you ought to expect us to dare to do pretty much anything. If not, we’d be pretty poor Aurors,” I spat.
Vaultz got to his feet and stepped toward me, leaning over me like a cobra about to strike. “I do not admire your attitude. Now let me tell you, if you are so much as seen speaking to Tyrone Thomas”inside or outside the stadium, mind you”you will be immediately, permanently removed from my employ. And while you, as a woman, may consider this a reasonable sacrifice, I must warn you that Thomas will lose his position as well. He will be blackballed from the entire British Quidditch league for improper conduct. This still stands for as long as Thomas remains a member of the Chudley Cannons, whatever your particular station or career at the time. Do I make myself clear?”
“Extremely,” I managed. He couldn’t make himself any clearer if he transfigured himself into a windowpane. My voice sounded faint and distant, like I was speaking from the end of a tunnel hundreds of miles away. I gripped the arms of my chair to try and prevent myself from sinking to the centre of the earth.
“Very well, then. Good day. I trust you will honor our agreement. You are so very close to becoming an Auror. I should hate to have to be… unpleasant.” And with that, Vaultz inclined his head and walked right out the door.
I’m glad he didn’t make me show him out, because I don’t think I would’ve been able to. At least, not without violently murdering him on the way out.
EMMA’S AMAZING PRIDE AND PREJUDICE SUMMARY, PART NINE
Lots and lots and lots of things happen in this part of the story. Geesh, finally Jane Austen’s learned how to pick up the pace, right when I was about to declare her a lost cause.
First and foremost… OH MY GOSH, MR. BINGLEY IS BACK. Okay, so Lydia and Wickham got married, came home to visit the Bennets, where Lydia strutted around bragging about how fantastic she is while Wickham grumbles around like a chained-up bear, bemoaning his hideous fate. Serves him right. Anyway, so Lydia and Wickham leave for their new home up north, where no one will hear Lydia scream when her insane husband snaps and stabs her to death. (That part’s not in the book, but I’m sure it’s heavily implied.)
Anyway, back to the big event I alluded to earlier, THE BING-BING IS BACK! The whole family goes nuts trying to prepare for the visit, and when he finally makes his grand entrance, who should be with him, but Mr. Darcy himself!
The ensuing dialogue goes something like this:
BINGLEY: Uh, hi, I was wondering if…
MRS. BENNET: (Frothing at the mouth) ZOH EM GEE! MR. BINGLEY! HOW ARE YOU DOING? WHAT’S NEW WITH YOU? HAVE A SEAT! COME RIGHT OVER HERE! WOULD YOU BE OKAY WITH SITTING UNDERNEATH JANE? YES? YES? ALL RIGHT, FEEL FREE TO HELP YOURSELF TO ALL OF OUR FOOD, BELONGINGS, AND DAUGHTERS, AND IF YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR MUDDY BOOTS UP ON OUR DINING ROOM TABLE, THAT IS FINE BY ME.
DARCY: Excuse me, if it’s not too much trouble, do you have a restroom I could use?
MRS. BENNET: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO, WE DO NOT, YOU MISERABLE SCUM-SUCKING SON OF A NARWHAL!
So needless to say, it’s a pretty tense and awkward visit, especially with Mrs. Bennet not getting the memo on Mr. Darcy being Really Nice Now and everybody trading bets on how many minutes it’ll take before Mr. Bingley proposes. But things only get even more awkward when the dynamic duo get up and leave, without popping any questions whatsoever.
Luckily, the next day, Bingley is back”without his tall, dark, and handsome accessory”and this time, he DOES propose to Jane! And she agrees! And Mr. Bennet gives him Jane’s hand! And then they hire Hertfordshire’s finest surgeons to stitch Jane’s hand back on before she dies of blood loss! (I might have made that part up.)
Anyway, Jane’s delighted to be engaged, and Elizabeth is really happy for her, but she can’t help feeling a teeny bit sorry for herself. After all, she is really into Mr. Darcy now, but after her spectacular rejection of his first proposal, it does not look like he’s risking it a second time.
Well, a week later, an unexpected guest arrives at Longbourne! Guess who? And if you guessed, “Mr. Darcy with a diamond ring,” then you are DEAD WRONG. Instead, the Darth Vader theme song from Star Wars begins to play as Mr. Darcy’s horrible aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, walks through the door.
After insulting the house, the gardens, and every single member of the Bennet family, she drops the bombshell. “So, Miss Bennet, if you prefer to be addressed like a human being”I’m not very familiar with your species-- I’ve heard rumours implying that Mr. Darcy is going to marry you. Since I know they’re not true, I’m assuming that it was you who started them. Not only are you poor and disgusting, but ever since birth, I’ve demanded that Mr. Darcy marry his cousin, my own spectacularly inbred daughter.”
Elizabeth tries to calm her down and offer her a chair, but Lady Catherine declines, fearful that she might get some Poor on her if she touches the Bennets’ furniture. “ANYWAY,” she continues, “Tell me right now that you are not engaged to Mr. Bennet, or I shall be forced to get my footman to impale his walking stick through your eyeball and into your brain.”
“Er, I promise. I’m not engaged to him.”
“Correct. Now, promise me you will never become engaged to him, and if you answer correctly in this round, we’ll throw in a free dinette set!”
But Elizabeth refuses to promise that she will never become engaged to Darcy (go girl!) and with that, Lady Catherine stomps away, frothing and fuming madly and bellowing loud death threats fitting the general theme of ‘revenge.’
So, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Jane Austen has actually been reading my mind this whole time.