Disclaimer: The fine tapestry of plot and characters belongs to J.K. Rowling. I am merely pulling threads at will and weaving my own design in counterpoint to hers.
Chapter 31
A Different Perspective
The far door led to a small private dining room with a semi-circle of windows facing out over the lawn. A comfortable seat cushion wrapped itself directly beneath the windows and would make for a very bright and airy room during the day. Currently, however, the treetops and the elaborate front gates to the school were silhouetted against the violet sky.
“Do you and Tonks always dine like this?” Harry asked, noting that the table had been set with crisp white linens and crystal. An elaborate candelabra of entwined wooden branches provided a festive glow.
“No, we don’t. I believe this is Dobby’s doing, isn’t it?” Lupin replied, looking directly at the house-elf.
“Special amenities for Yuletide, sir,” Dobby replied with a small nod of his head. “There’s also decanters of cold pumpkin juice and sparking cider. Please let me know if you change your minds about dessert.” With a snap of his fingers and a loud pop Dobby Disapparated.
The minute they sat themselves at the table, the plates of food appeared before them. This was clearly not what was being served in the Great Hall. The aroma was absolutely tantalizing.
“I hope you like it,” offered Lupin. He took a preliminary bite which was followed by a blissful expression on his face. “It’s Dover sole. It was a great favorite of James and Lily.”
Harry had never tasted anything so delicate, so sublime in his life. After paying his compliments, he added, “Can teachers always have food like this specially prepared?”
“On a limited basis “ it’s a privilege I rarely invoke. Our usual fare runs more to sandwiches in front of the fire or whatever is being served in the Great Hall. Tonks is particularly fond of the desserts, but since the Hufflepuffs are having their Christmas party tonight, I’m sure the kitchen is already inundated with special requests for baked Alaska, chocolate soufflé cake, and pumpkin crème brulée “ and those are just from Tonks!”
It was an extremely satisfying meal, made more so by the absence of boundaries and pretexts between them. The conversation flowed freely, punctuated with many of Lupin’s pithy observations that made Harry laugh. When the last drip of sauce had been lovingly sponged from the plate, Harry laid his last bit of bread next to his utensils and pushed himself back from the table.
“I don’t remember ever having a more delicious meal,” Harry commented.
“I’m glad,” Lupin returned with a broad smile. “I don’t get many opportunities to entertain.”
As a last minute thought, Lupin lifted a heavy glass decanter from the side table and took it with them into the outer room. From the doorway, he whispered, “Nox!” to extinguish the candles. He poured generous measures into two glasses and handed one to Harry. Then Lupin settled himself into this favorite armchair and stretched his legs languidly in front of the fire.
Catching Harry’s eye, Lupin held up his glass in a toast and intoned, “To Gryffindor!”
Of course, Harry thought as he took a sip of the deep red liquid. It was surprisingly sweet and nutty with a rich aroma that seemed to envelope him in warmth.
“Surely, this isn’t brandy like my uncle Vernon drinks?” Harry inquired.
“Dumbledore used to prefer brandy, as well. But my taste runs more to port “ in this case, ruby port.”
Harry let the pleasant sensations of the fire and the port relax him until he felt like he was floating. He vaguely wondered what time it was and whether dinner was over in the Great Hall, but then decided it didn’t really matter.
“As to the situation we discussed earlier,” Lupin began earnestly, “I’ve given it a bit of thought over dinner and I think that what you’re feeling has a lot to do with unresolved grief.” Harry was about to respond, but Lupin waved him off. “Hear me out and you’ll see why I came to that conclusion. Three murders in three years and you, Harry, were standing next to each of the victims. That’s a lot for anyone to process. In addition to that, you’re no longer sharing most daily classes with your two best friends, the ones that you have confided in for the last six years, so your support system is crumbling. Any attempts to create a new source of comfort are hindered by the conviction that you would just be creating another target. So basically, you’ve cut yourself off emotionally from just about everyone; so is it surprising that you feel lost? Not at all.”
“Assuming your assessment is correct, Remus, how do you propose I find my way back?”
“Well, that’s the funny thing about grief,” Lupin replied thoughtfully, “it has its own timetable and you just have to work through it in the manner in which it presents itself… A case in point: when I was about your age, my parents passed away within months of each other. There was nothing violent about their deaths, but it hit me pretty hard nonetheless. For months on end, I felt like I was adrift with no direction. When I returned to school after my mother’s funeral “ she was the last to pass away “ it was as if everyone else, James, Sirius and even Peter, went back to their Technicolor world, and even though I was standing right next to them, my world was shrouded in shadows. In the end, it was a very wise person who took me aside and told me that I could either dwell in the land of shadows “ the land of death “ or I could make a conscious decision to return to the land of the living.” Harry could tell by the deliberate manner in which Lupin was choosing his words just how much emotional drain this story was causing him. “Those that we had lost were beyond our reach, regardless, and staying in the land of death would not bring them back, even though it might make us feel like we were closer to them spiritually. But the only way to put those deaths behind you, to get on with your life, to feel happiness again, was to choose to return to the land of the living. It didn’t mean that you valued those you had lost any less, it just meant that you were not going to honor them by burying yourself in the same grave.”
“Were those Dumbledore’s words?” Harry had to ask.
Lupin shook his head, smiling in a sad manner that seemed to come from miles away. “No, Harry, the advice came from your mother, Lily…. So I suppose I would have to say that I am passing this bit of motherly advice from her to you as best I can.”
Harry was stunned for a moment then followed up with, “What makes you think that this applies so aptly to my current situation, though?”
“Firstly, because the sense of loss for those who have passed away and the longing for that which we feel we cannot have are very similar emotions. Both are jumbled up with feelings of unfairness, unworthiness, and regret. The fact that you say you have made a conscious decision to turn Ginny away, but yet you don’t actually do it, or you do it sometimes and then only half-heartedly, are all elements of indecision “ the inability to move on. Indecision dwells in the land of death, Harry; it may feel like it hurts less in the short run, but it will never bring you the happiness that you seek.”
“But, Remus, I have made a decision. My decision is that I will interact with Ginny as a friend only.”
“Because it hurts too much to turn away? That’s just avoidance. Your premise has an inherent contradiction, you will never be able to treat her as a friend simply because that’s not how you feel about her. Admit it, a saintly martyr could not walk that tightrope.”
It was with a heart-rendering realization that Harry concluded that Lupin was right. He didn’t know how the man had ever worked his way through the maze of shadows and contradictions, but there was no denying that his words had the unmistakable ring of truth.
“So you’re telling me that all I have to do is make a decision -- one way or the other?”
“Essentially. You also have to successfully convey that to Ginny and you have to stick by it. That’s not to say you can’t later say, ‘I’ve been wrong, I’ve been a fool,’ etc. but you cannot change your position from one minute to the next.”
“But, Remus, I have told Ginny the truth more than once, she keeps coming back.”
“Perhaps you’re just not being clear enough,” suggested Lupin. “When was the last time that you laid it out for her?”
“The night of the Gryffindor victory party.”
“When Ginny followed you out the portrait hole and then returned alone “ only a minute or two later? Will you think me too intrusive if I ask what your exact words were?”
“I don’t think it was more than two short sentences. Give me a moment to think…’I will always be here for you if you need me. But right now, I cannot be what you want me to be.’”
“Those were your exact words?” Lupin prodded.
“Pretty much,” Harry confessed. “They were a lot harder to say at the time.”
“No wonder she’s confused, those words sound too much like a declaration of love.”
Harry considered this for a minute then allowed, “I suppose they do…”
Lupin looked Harry in the eye and advised, “Then if that’s what you intend, do it right. Otherwise, you’re just holding her hostage. You must be unequivocal… Just realize this, Harry, I cannot make this decision for you. It is your decision to make just as you are the one who will have to live with the consequences.”
Harry nodded that he understood, but then sighed in resignation as he felt the familiar arguments starting in his head again.
Lupin must have seen some of that in Harry’s expression because he relented a bit and added, “Look, life’s too short and we all know that one day, even though we won’t be ready, we will all die. In the meanwhile, all we can do is grab the little bits of happiness that fall our way. If we question our good fortune too much, argue that we don’t deserve it, it will just slip through our fingers. I tell you this, Harry, because I stood on a precipice very similar to yours on the night that Dumbledore died and I came away with the realization that it could have been any of us cut down that night, any of us that had fought the Death Eaters in that corridor.”
“So you decided to give Tonks a chance,” Harry surmised.
Lupin nodded. “And in the long run, it has brought me more happiness than I ever imagined.”
Lupin retrieved the decanter from the sideboard and replenished their glasses. With that sly Marauder’s grin that always spelled trouble to Harry, he asked nonchalantly, “Tell me this, why didn’t you warn Ginny of the new protocols for the Room of Requirement?”
“I never really got a chance--” Harry began lamely.
“Her dormitory is on the floor beneath yours, Neville will give you the password. I know he’s done it before.”
“I meant to,” Harry stammered, “I just didn’t… I guess I couldn’t bear the thought that she would try to visit the room with someone else, someone other than me, all right! Not exactly one of my stellar moments.”
To his surprise, Lupin just laughed. “Absolutely priceless, Harry. With that little selfish act, you just brought yourself one step closer to the land of the living.”
Harry didn’t pretend to understand Lupin’s twisted leaps of logic. Not that he didn’t inevitably arrive at the correct conclusion, the man was uncanny about that; Harry just had to take a less hair-raising path himself.
“Did Neville tell you that he gave me the password?”
“Why would he? You’re a Gryffindor, aren’t you?” Lupin responded. “Actually, it created a bit of a stir among the idle minds in the common room. People tell me things, I’d be a fool not to listen. Why did you make an exception and deliberately seek Ginny out that day?”
“I was swearing her to secrecy about the recount I had given of the duel with Snape. It was at the direct request of the headmistress. Ron, Hermione and Neville had also been present, but they were much easier to locate.”
“How much of the story did you actually tell?”
“Very little. It was the day after the attack and they were concerned about me “ I had to give them something. Ginny’s the only one with whom I shared the entire story.”
“I believe that puts you another step closer, maybe two when you consider how much teasing Ginny had to endure.”
Harry chuckled in spite of not really understanding the rules of the game. “Would it help my overall standings if I told you that I didn’t confess the entire story to Ginny until after the headmistress told me to swear everyone to secrecy?”
“Direct quotes and everything?”
“Play by play.”
“Then I would say, Harry, that I believe we have a winner!”
They heard the sound of muffled knocking coming from the outer office.
“That must be Tonks back from the Christmas party,” explained Lupin as he undid the locks with a simple wand movement. “She always forgets that there’s an extra set of keys in the residence. Don’t get up, Harry.”
At the sound of the outer door opening, Lupin raised his voice to announce, “In here.”
The door to the inner office opened to reveal Tonks, hair a festive deep green, in obvious high spirits from the party. “When I didn’t find you in our private quarters, darling, I thought you might be here. Oh, hi, Harry, didn’t expect to find you here, too.”
“Good to see you, Tonks,” Harry replied with a wide smile.
“Harry and I were at loose ends tonight,” Lupin offered. “Thought it might be nice to have a quiet supper together.”
“I can see that,” Tonks observed as she surveyed the scene before her in detail. “Looks like a pair of bachelors enjoying a bit of creature comforts at home. When do the dancing girls arrive?”
Lupin slowly eyed her up and down with unabashed ardor then returned, “I believe they just did.”
Not embarrassed in the slightest, Tonks assumed an overly dramatic pose and intoned in a deep Slavic accent, “The Czarina is not performing tonight.”
Lupin burst out laughing as Harry joined in even though he was not entirely sure he got the joke in its entirety. His look of bemusement was noticed by Lupin who added, “Tonks, you forget that Harry is not one of your usual students so he’s not as familiar with your arsenal as, say, the Hufflepuffs.”
“Why don’t you fill him in, Remus, while I help myself to some of the port?” Tonks suggested as she located the decanter on the far sideboard.
“The Czarina was Tonks’ very strict, very Russian ballet teacher. Her mother made her attend classes regularly when she was about eight or nine.”
“More like a forced march,” intoned Tonks as she pulled up a third armchair.
“Was she really a czarina?” Harry probed.
“Naw,” Tonks clarified, “she just acted like one. She had some exquisitely long Russian name that nobody could pronounce, but in class it always had to be ‘Madame, this’ or ‘Madame, that,’ so I just started calling her the Czarina. It wasn’t my fault the name stuck!”
“I gather you were not one of her favorite pupils then,” Harry managed to eek out between the laughter.
“I actually think the woman came to have a pathological dread of Saturday mornings,” Tonks continued. “Between the hordes of undisciplined young lades, as she liked to say, and the fact that Mum had to repeatedly modify her memory every time I forgot not to change my hair color in the middle of class “ which was practically every week “ it’s a wonder she didn’t end up in an asylum! She had this short director’s baton, looked almost identical to a wand, that she would use to count out the music in the palm of her hand. Only if you made a mistake or your body alignment wasn’t exactly right, she’d poke you with the bloody thing “ and it was sharp! I think I managed the expelliarmus charm instinctively about a dozen times before my mother finally caught on and took me out of class.”
“And to make matters worse,” Lupin amended with barely contained mirth, “her mother then asks Tonks what she learned in class after all those years of training--”
“”and I show her my best, most sublimely rendered impersonation of the Czarina you have ever seen. I had her walk, her mannerisms, her overblown accent, her monstrous ego. The complete, unvarnished picture--”
“”and her mother says to her, ‘But Nymphadora, dear, didn’t you learn any dance combinations?’” Lupin finished amid gales of laughter.
“Now don’t get me wrong,” Tonks added, “I love my mum. But she never has really understood me.”
“Do they have any extra seating in the Hufflepuff common room?” quipped Harry to Lupin. “I think Fleur’s parents might like to attend when they visit from France. It’s Wednesday nights, right?”
“Two performances, seven and nine,” returned Lupin without missing a beat. “On a more serious note, though, Harry, I want to show you this. Tonks and I don’t usually share a classroom so this is not a demonstration that I can readily show my students. Tonks, would you indulge me by striking the Czarina pose again in the middle of the room so Harry can get the full picture? Don’t add any Metamorphmagus embellishments, please.”
Harry was enthralled with how readily Tonks became a totally different person right before their eyes. Even her expression was transformed into the perfect look of disdain for the adoring fans that were clustered around her.
“Now, Harry, this is an exercise in characterization “ determining your enemies’ strengths and weaknesses just by observing them. Tonks is an ideal subject for this because she is very precise. Now look at her carefully and allow your imagination to fill in the blanks. For instance, you can tell that the Czarina is not longer a young woman by the way she elongates her neck artificially so that it looks more youthful. You can see that her face is overly made up with a thick layer of powder and a number of artificial beauty marks penciled in. Her hair is pulled back austerely from her face and clipped securely at the nape of her neck.”
As Harry followed along with Lupin’s narrative, he was surprised how easily the picture filled itself in. Tonks was indeed conveying all those small nuances in the way she held her body.
“Now you try it,” urged Lupin. “I’ll get you started. Look at the way she’s standing, her weight is actually on her heels. What does this tell you about her shoes?”
“She’s wearing flats; but no, that’s not all of it. She’s wearing ballet shoes, what do you call them?”
“Toe shoes?” Tonks supplied helpfully.
“Yeah, that’s it.” Harry nodded.
“So what does that tell you about her legs?” prompted Lupin.
“She’s wearing tights, a pale color like all the dancers wear under their costumes.”
“Very good, now what can you tell from the position of her arms? See how they’re held at an artificial distance from her body,” Lupin continued.
Harry considered Tonks’ posturing carefully before answering, “She’s wearing a costume with a short skirt that sticks out and her arms are prevented from falling naturally beside her body.” With that he could suddenly see the entire picture: the aging ballerina, once semi-great, still donning the costumes of her youth and displaying a bit of artistic temperament by threatening to not perform for the evening’s production. Undoubtedly, she would relent after some shameless flattery and begging on the part of the director.
Harry turned to Lupin in awe. “That was incredible! Can you do that with anyone?”
“To some degree,” Lupin remarked thoughtfully. “But like I said, most people are not as meticulous as Tonks. She’s particularly adept at conveying all the little details.”
Harry started to stifle a yawn and realized that he shouldn’t impose on Lupin’s generosity any longer. “It must be getting late. If you’ll excuse me, I think I’d best be calling it a night. Thank you for the wonderful dinner, Remus. And Tonks, always a pleasure.”
Harry retrieved his school robes and discarded scarf and tie from the peg and then gave both Tonks and Lupin a quick hug like he’d seen Ginny do a thousand times. He couldn’t believe how easy and effortless it all was and how much better it made him feel.
“Don’t forget, Harry,” Lupin called, “we have a session at two tomorrow.”
“I won’t forget,” Harry affirmed with a smile as he let himself out into the deserted corridor. He felt as if a tremendous weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
As he heard the outside door close, Lupin sighed wearily in his chair. “I tell you, cherub, every day that goes by I feel woefully under-qualified for this job.”
“What happened this evening, Remus? I’ve never known you to entertain a student, let alone in such a lavish manner. You ordered the Dover sole, didn’t you? The one from Dumbledore’s private stash?”
Lupin nodded. “I had to call in quite a few favors for that. I didn’t know what else to do; I’ve never seen Harry so distraught. I figured the least I could do was offer him was a nice supper and some conversation. Was it such a terrible thing that I broke about a third of the guidelines for student-teacher interactions in the process?”
“Doesn’t being his personal advisor give you a bit of extra leeway?”
“Not enough for what he needed from me tonight. I think we’ve been wrong to have left Harry with the Dursleys for so long. For years his only confidantes have been Ron and Hermione. Unfortunately, in this case, he needed to talk to someone with a little more perspective, someone who had gone through some of the same things that he was experiencing.”
“You mean like a father figure?” surmised Tonks.
“Perhaps.”
“Well, you must have done something right. Did you see that mega-watt smile that he gave you? That’s the same one that he usually reserves for Ginny.”
Lupin nodded. “I just hope that I gave him something to think about.”
“What did he want to talk about, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Just the usual man-to-man stuff: life, death, love.”
“That’s a pretty tall order. What did you tell him?”
“Just a bit of advice that his mother, Lily, passed on to me when I was his age. A bit about how I felt when my own parents passed away. Nothing so complicated that any other adult couldn’t have done it justice.”
“I think you’re being too modest, darling, and much too hard on yourself. You know the headmistress gave you this assignment precisely because you cared for Harry; I don’t think she’d berate you for getting personally involved if--”
“If it was inevitable, you mean? I wonder if I would have accepted this position if she had warned me that I would grow to love the students so.”
“And what about Harry?”
“Harry is the best of Lily and James rolled into one. How could anyone not love Harry?”
“You see, Remus, that’s exactly why you’re the perfect man for the job.”
Harry Potter and the Hero's Lament by L A Moody
Chapter Notes: Harry and Lupin confide in one another over supper; Tonks retells a funny story from her youth; Lupin fears he may have grossly overstepped his boundaries.