His skin tickles mine, hand against the flesh of my shoulder. For a moment, I breathe easy. My stomach unclenches and my body unknots. Sweet moments of relief. For a moment, he carries the burden. He takes away my fear.
“You okay?”
No.
“Fine.” I force a smile, knowing that it won’t matter. James knows me too well, and for this, I am glad.
“Me neither,” he answers quietly, glancing toward the window.
“I know.” I massage his hand with mine. James and I work perfectly together. As well as he knows me, I know him twice as well. At least that’s what I like to believe.
“Remember last year?” he asks, leaning into me. Leaning on me…
I smile, another ease of the pain. “He was adorable.” Harry. The mere thought of my baby and I feel better.
“Mhm.” James pauses. “Lily?”
“Yeah?” I snuggle close to him, breathing in his scent, hoping I never forget it.
“After all this,” he whispers, “I want another baby. Maybe a redhead?”
I don’t say a word. I just lean in and kiss him, a silent agreement. After all this. We always say that. We talk about what we’ll do, who we’ll be, who Harry will be. And while we do, I wordlessly hope that there is an ‘after all this.’
I close my eyes for a moment. I don’t want another baby to enter into this world either. I just wish we had a choice.
I wake up crying. The dream…it had been so real. And now I am afraid. I am afraid because it’s really happening and I’m not strong enough.
I dreamt about our daughter. She is alone. Alone. A little girl with messy red hair and massive hazel eyes sitting by herself. The little girl I am carrying.
I have no choice with Harry. I love him with my whole heart because he is here. It was different when he was born. Sure, everything was a mess, but we were okay. Our life wasn’t a mess yet. James and I, we were whole. We were set on sheltering Harry from it all. Funny, since we were just dreaming of the impossible.
But bringing another baby into this world? It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to her.
There is a light stirring next to me and James is awake. He wraps his arms around me.
“What wrong, baby?” he asks. But I can’t answer. The only sound I make is a strangled cry. “What is it?” He rubs my back lightly.
I gasp for air, but calm after his touch settles. “I-I’m…James, I’m pregnant.” As soon as the words fall from my mouth, I begin to cry. Cry because of the unfairness, because of the sorrow that I cannot be happy about having another baby, as desperately as I want her.
I know that James is stunned. So stunned that he does not know what to say. He must be angry, angry that the world is too awful to have a baby in. He’s going to tell me that it will never work. He’s going to say that instead of leaving one child orphaned, we’ll leave two. He is going to say all the terrible things that I have been thinking.
It is an agonizing moment. How could this have happened? It’s never going to work “ we’re in hiding.
“I “ ” He’s too angry to speak. “I hope that it’s a girl.” His voice is strangled, but I can hear his happiness.
Now I am shocked. Maybe I never thought that James would be angry. Maybe I knew that he would be thrilled. Maybe I just pictured James’ reaction mirroring my own. Maybe I wanted it too.
But now, now I know nothing but his lips on my own.
“I love you,” he whispers and I can feel a few teardrops on his cheek. Or maybe those are mine.
“James,” I say, all of my fears coming back to me in a wave. I become the voice of dissent. “Do you think we can do this?”
He smiles and nods. “Of course we can. Now, Minerva for a girl, Horace for a boy. After our two favorite professors.”
I laugh a little, enjoying his boyish grin. “I like Albus for a boy a little bit better.”
“Or Sirius!” The idea lights his eyes.
“Okay. Horace Albus Sirius James Evans Potter.” We both laugh, falling comfortably into each other. In a matter of moments, we are both lying down, my head on his chest.
“He’ll be rivaling Dumbledore.” Neither of us can stop laughing. “Brian and Wolfgang or something,” he barely manages between chuckles.
Our laughter fades out after a few minutes and it is replaced with silence. But it’s not really silence. Well, I guess it is, but it’s the loudest silence I’ve ever heard. It’s fear, because every time it quiets, my mind wanders. It wanders to the unknown, to the future. I try to be positive, I do, but I am no fool. I know that my son is marked for death by one of the most powerful wizards alive. I know that the statistics are against him, and it kills me. It kills me knowing that I can’t save him, that I can barely protect him, that all I can do is wait and pray for a miracle.
Wait. That’s what I do. I wait for something to happen, wondering whether I will die today, if James will. And it’s terrifying. Waiting for death, thinking about death, wondering what it’s like, if it’s even like anything or if it’s just darkness. And then there’s Harry. What will happen to him if James and I die? Will he even survive? If he does, will he remember us? Will he think of us? Miss us?
Just these thoughts make me want to cry, thinking that I might not be there for my son. That I will not be there to watch him start to talk, to laugh while he learns Quidditch, to see him off on his first day of Hogwarts, to be there while he grows. The thought kills me, knowing how easily it could be reality. And if it is, if something really does happen to me, will Harry know how much I wanted to be there for it all? How much I tried? How much I would give? Everything.
“I’m afraid too,” James whispers, reading me like a book. “I’m so afraid.”
I turn on my side to face him, pressing my forehead against his.
“I won’t tell anyone if you won’t.”
“I promise. And Lily?” He slips his arms around me, pulling my closer to him. My eyelids are getting heavy. I can sleep with the comfort of James’ body next to mine.
“Yeah?” My voice is sleepy.
“You’re going to live. For Harry and for our new baby. You will. I’ll make sure of it.” His voice is so determined that it scares me. I know he will sacrifice himself for me in a second and this scares me. My eyes snap open and I am suddenly wide-awake.
“No, you won’t,” I answer softly, but with a firm tone. “Because I can’t live without you.”
James smiles ruefully. “Oh, yes, you can. And you will. For Harry.” He nods a little bit, as if he’s already made up his mind. “You’d be fine without me. You’re strong, Lily.”
His words make me nauseous. I know that in part, he is joking, but at the same time, he’s not. And it makes me sick. I guess I knew it could happen, one of could live while the other dies, but I never considered it. I never considered a life without James. And I hate the idea. I figured we’d both live or we’d both die, nothing more or nothing less, but this new idea, I can’t handle it.
“James. Look at me.” I’m breathing fast, somewhere between wanting to cry and wanting to vomit, to run, to escape this life, this awful life that fated my family for death.
His pained hazel eyes meet my own. I bear into them reassuringly.
“No,” I say simply, needing him to know this, needing him to understand the lack of truth in his ideas. “No, I wouldn’t be okay.” My voice is terribly soft, but he can hear me. “I wouldn’t be okay. I wouldn’t be anything. James, it’s you and me. You can’t start thinking about trying to keep one of us alive, because I-I can’t. I can’t think like that.”
He snuggles his face into my neck. “I know,” he whispers.
“Good. And know that we’re having this baby. Both of us. And I need you for it.”
James smiles, the moment lightened by the thought of our baby, by being together. Another baby. Another moment. A brother or sister for Harry. Well, I know it’ll be a sister, and she’ll be sunshine in our darkness, a flower growing in the concrete of the sidewalk.