Rain was thrashing against the roof when James jerked awake in his bed. Disoriented, he fought free from the tangled bedclothes, groping for his glasses and wand on the bedside table. He was just trying to remember what had woken him up when it came again: a faint clanging was sounding urgently from downstairs. Finally recognising the sound of the bronze doorknocker, James swung his legs out of bed, jammed his glasses on his face, and squinted up at the clock on his wall. Pale moonlight picked out the miniature Cleansweep broomsticks that served as clock hands; both pointed directly at the twelve. With a tingle of anticipation, he wondered who on earth would be visiting this late. Nevertheless, he wrapped himself in his bathrobe, grabbed his wand, and started downstairs as the clanging rang through the house for a third time.
James paused in the entrance hall; keeping his wand trained on the oak front door, he padded quietly across the tiled floor and pressed an eye to the peephole. The porch light that magically illuminated visitors the moment they reached the doorstep shone a garish orange against the stormy night. It took a moment for James to recognise the soaked, disheveled figure standing on his porch, but the second he did, he wrenched the door open and swung it wide.
For a moment the two boys locked eyes, completely lost for words. Then Sirius Black cracked a smile and cocked his head.
‘Hey, James. Mind if I kip here tonight?’
James stared, his heart sinking. The strained expression on his friend’s face bore no resemblance to Sirius’s trademark dashing grin, and his voice couldn’t quite make the cut of casual. Perhaps the other sensed this, for Sirius recovered sufficiently to raise an amused brow and look pointedly past his friend into the dark house. James stepped hurriedly back.
‘Yeah, sure, come on in.’
Sirius tramped into the hall, lugging his school trunk behind him, to which his broomstick and empty owl cage were strapped.
‘Pandora’s out hunting, reckon she’ll find me here soon enough. Sorry I didn’t owl first. I, er…sort of left in a hurry.’
Sirius was avoiding his friend’s eyes, and James noticed a tremor in his voice despite the determinedly nonchalant posture he was adopting.
‘Merlin, Sirius,’ he said softly. ‘What happened?’
‘Oh…you know.’ Sirius stared somewhat vacantly into the hall, ‘Got into it with my family, had a big row, and I, ah…left. For good,’ he added, now frowning at the tiled floor.
‘For good?’ James gasped. ‘You mean, you ran away?’
Sirius gave a short, bark-like laugh, ‘Well, I prefer to think of it in rather more manly terms, but that about sums it up.’
The show of indifference was troubling, but James didn’t press.
‘Why don’t you come on into the kitchen, I’ll”get you a cup of tea or something.’
Sirius nodded and followed mutely as an increasingly concerned James led him out of the entrance hall.
* * *
Once in the warm glow of the Potters’ cozy kitchen, James used the pretext of making tea to sneak an appraising look at his friend. Out of the shadows of the hall, Sirius’s appearance was an unpleasant shock. Pale and wan, he sat slumped quietly at the table, his sopping black hair hanging limply over his face. A moment later, James suspected this might be intentional, as he noticed an angry-looking welt stretching from Sirius’s temple down his cheek. Stomach twisting sickly, he set a steaming mug on the table, and leaned against the counter, cupping his own mug in his hands.
‘What happened there?’ he asked, trying to keep his voice neutral.
Sirius shrugged. ‘It’s nothing; things just got a bit heated…Mum fired off a stinging hex, guess I wasn’t quick enough.’ He tried to grin as though sharing a joke, but at James’s silence gave up. Shifting in his seat, he played with the mug in his hands.
James stared. The situation with Sirius’s family had gotten increasingly worse over the years, and in the past year especially. But he had never seen his friend like this.
Sirius sensed James’s anxiety, and shot him a look of annoyance. ‘Oh come on, James, it’s not that bad. I mean, really, I would have left a long time ago if it wasn’t for Reg…but I guess that excuse has been worn out for a while now.’
‘What do you mean?’ James asked, noting the sudden bitterness in his friend’s voice.
Sirius took a gulp of tea. ‘He wants to join them,’ he muttered around his mug.
There was no need for James to ask who ‘them’ was. He knew that Regulus Black had become obsessed with the rise of the Dark wizard who was calling himself Lord Voldemort. He also knew it must be killing his friend to have to stand by and watch.
‘Maybe he’ll change his mind,’ he offered, somewhat lamely. ‘No way the Death Eaters would take him for several years yet.’
‘Yeah...’ Sirius didn’t sound convinced. He looked shaken and tired, as though all the energy had suddenly drained out of him. Silence stretched again in the kitchen. James cast around for something reassuring to say that wouldn’t sound like he was being comforting. Sirius was very particular about that sort of thing. Wishing fervently that Remus was there, James masked his awkwardness by rummaging around in the cupboards.
‘Look, I know Dad hides some Odgen’s in here somewhere, we could make that tea a bit stronger.’
Sirius smiled thinly. ‘No, thanks. If your mum found out she’d kill us. Getting kicked out of one house is enough for the night.’
‘Wait, you got kicked out? I thought you left.’
‘I did leave. And as I was going my mother blasted me off the tapestry. Whatever. Comes to the same thing.’
James stood, empty hands hanging at his sides, and braced himself to ask the question that had been hanging in the air since his friend arrived.
‘So…why’d you leave this time? I mean…it must’ve been pretty bad.’
Sirius barked another humourless laugh, and James fought the impulse to wince. He knew that mannerism and what it implied.
‘They started talking about…ah…werewolves.’
‘Oh.’
‘Yeah…well, you know the usual bit. “Filthy half-breeds”…Dad came home from the Ministry, full of this foul new legislation he’s trying to get passed. Increased registration regulations…and some relocation crap…it’s all convoluted, but the upshot is it would make it literally impossible for anyone with lycanthropy to get a job in the Wizarding world, or own a house, or live with anything approaching dignity…as if it isn’t hard enough already.’ Sirius put his face in his hands in frustration, only to jerk up again as he brushed the welt on his cheek.
James fumbled with his own mug, pretending not to notice.
‘And I thought of Remus, and I just couldn’t stand that they would do something like that to him, people like him, without a second thought. Even if they knew him, I think.’ His mouth twisted in irony. “They wouldn’t see Remus as human.’
‘Merlin…’ James murmured again, running his hand through his messy hair. He felt disgust, and the beginnings of fear. Surely such legislation would never go through?
‘Yeah.’ Sirius’s voice cracked. ‘And then it just sort of hit me. This was my family. I don’t think I’ve ever hated them more.’
‘So…you snapped?’ James prompted.
‘Wouldn’t you? I had to say something, I couldn’t just sit there and listen to them talk like that.’ He gazed into his empty mug. ‘Don’t tell him, James,’ he said quietly.
‘Who?’ asked James, though he thought he knew.
‘Remus. I mean, don’t tell him what started the fight. You know how daft he is about that stuff, he’ll go blaming himself.’
‘I wouldn’t.’
‘I know,’ Sirius sighed, suddenly looking much older than fifteen. ‘I just know you two talk about me sometimes, so I thought I’d mention it.’
‘I”we”we don’t talk about you!’ This was an outright lie, and the look Sirius threw him told James his friend knew it. ‘Well,’ he relented, ‘I mean, I update him now and then. It’s really hard to get you to talk about your family in the first place!’ he defended himself. ‘And if you finally tell something to one of us, it makes sense not to make you tell the other one too! It’s kind of like an assembly line,’ he joked. ‘You tell me, I summarise to Remus, and Remus gives a delicately-worded synopsis to Peter. Or sometimes the other way round,’ he mused, ‘Although poor Peter is always the last to know. Voila, we get the important news with minimal energy expended on your part.’
Sirius snorted. ‘How efficient.’
‘Sorry,’ muttered James, suddenly unsure.
But Sirius shook his head. ‘No, mate, I knew all along. I actually really appreciate it. I’m just being a cranky git.’
‘Well, you’ve had a rough night,’ James suggested lightly. For a moment neither boy spoke. ‘Look, don’t worry about Remus,’ James offered finally. ‘We’re so close now”we just need to nick a couple more things from Slughorn’s office. We can probably join him as Animagi in September”the full moon comes later that month. It’ll be better then.’
‘Yeah…’ Sirius murmured, but James could tell he was preoccupied. The silence stretched again.
‘I told my father he disgusted me. Well. I told him a lot of things.’
James grimaced. ‘Bet that went over well.’
‘Oh yeah. And my mother was right there, too, so it all blew up pretty quickly. I think it was Reg that really set me off, though.’
‘With the Death Eater stuff?’
Sirius shook his head. ‘Nah. Well, yes, but that’s been coming for a while. It was just…when Dad was talking about that legislation, he was just sitting there, chipping in like an idiot, lapping it all up. I guess…I finally realised it was useless, you know?’
James was afraid to say anything. He could count the times on one hand that Sirius had opened up about his brother, with fingers to spare. Fortunately, Sirius was staring at the table again, and didn’t seem to need an answer.
‘I mean, I know he got into Slytherin and all, and he’s always been a bit of a prat, but… he used to listen to me, when we were younger”and I always sort of thought it was good for him to have me around, at least he heard some different opinions now and then.’ He laughed again, and James did wince this time. ‘Shows what an idiot I was. Should’ve realised. I’ve been fighting this pureblood crap since…’ He made a weary gesture. All your life, James thought.
‘I just kept sort of forgetting he’s only a year younger than me. But then…he was saying when the right people are in charge, they won’t have this kind of trouble pushing stuff like that through.’ Sirius threw him a dark look. ‘We all knew what he meant by “the right people.”’ He swallowed, and sat back, suddenly resembling the cool, implacable figure his father cut. ‘So, clearly he made his choice. Just like I have. ‘Bout time I wised up.’
‘James?’ A worried voice sounded from the hall, making Sirius jump and shattering his indifferent façade.
Growing Pains by starscribe
Story Notes:
Many thanks to my fantastic beta!! The warning is for mild implications early on.
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's JKR's!